Should I tell dd1 she nearly died at birth?

[nearlythree]

Dd1 talks a lot about death and dying, partly b/c she is at that age and partly b/c she lost her friend when she was four, so sadly knows that young people can get very poorly and die.

We sometimes talk about her birth and that of her sister and brother. Her brother's birth was a difficult time as the next day dd2 was rushed into hospital by ambulance - dd1 saw it but doesn't talk about it much. The next time she talks about her birth, should I tell her about how ill she was? My parents avoided every difficult subject with me and I'm determined to be honest with our dcs, but at the same time I don't want to cause unneccesary upset.

My parents (esp. my mum) tended to tell me things as an adult, which really annoyed me. Very often I'd know already b/c people had let things slip and I'd pieced things together. Or she'd assume I'd learned things for myself (that's how she dealt with both funerals and sex!)

When I was going through my friend's ds' death with dd1 my mum said I was making death sound 'too attractive'!!!!

Although I must have made a fist of telling dd1 about gay marriage, b/c at the end of our conversation she told me I was 'being silly'. I thought she'd be pleased - right now she wants to marry someone called Ella.

LOL! sounds like you are doing a great job! just be wary of piling too much on to her while she is young!

like the don;t be silly comment,had similar from DS when he was 4, when one of the nursery nurses was pregnant.....

'mummy, of course there isn't a baby in her tummy, don;t be so silly!!'

great when your kids patronise you !!

children think about death in so many different ways. dd2 (5) told her grandad at half term that she would be very sad when he dies - cue a big hug from him and a promise to stay around as long as he could!
When dd1 was at primary school, in the course of 18 months, 2 of the children in her class died - one after an op, one in a road accident. It was years later that dd1 told me that she and her friends were convinced that deaths always came in threes - and were waiting (absolutely seriously) for the next one of them to die. It gave me goosebumps when she told me.
I do like your view on being open without making a big deal of it. Good luck with how it all goes.

I agree ellceeell, I think we have a tendency to think how we feel about things is how children think. My dd1 said to me the other day, 'I suppose grandma might die soon, she's quite old.' - so matter-of-fact. Dd1 knows that children die very rarely, and that most people die when they are very old.

Thanks for your good wishes, like I say I don't intend to make a big thing about it and it could be ages before the topic comes up in conversation.

Lulu - our poor dcs getting parents like us!

I was very ill at birth and I've pretty much always known this and that I could have died. It's not affected me one bit. I've no memory of how the subject came up though! I don't think I'd tell your DD unless she asks about her birth.

I haven't read the whole thread but I do believe that 'horror' stories surrounding birth that we hear, come back to you when you are pregnant yourself. I personally believe that focusing on the positive is going to be better for her in the long run, when hopefully she comes to have children of her own. We are all too quick to talk about our experiences, with no thought for how that will affect others later. btw, I really don't mean that you are itching to tell her for your own sake - I just mean in general terms!! It must have been very frightening for you and I am really sorry that you had to go through that. It makes me shudder.

Haven't read the whole thread, but my first reaction was 'no, why would you want to?' I understand wanting to be honest with your dc's, but unless you're ever actually asked 'have I ever nearly died?', why bring up the subject yourself?

It was frightening, but it's not a negative story as far as I'm concerned, not now - it's a positive, b/c she is here and well - I can tell her that modern medicine and a fantastic dedicated doctor saw her through, and she is all the more precious b/c of what happened.

And also I willingly went on to have two other dcs, so the birth experience can't have been that bad!

I think the story only came up for me because my mum was induced 4 weeks early and thus I was smaller than usual. I guess the topic of how much me and my older brothers weighed at birth must have come up! If she asks about her birth then I'd tell her, otherwise I'd probably not bother. Unless it's something that could affect her when she has children of her own.

Wait till she's an adult or at least an old teenager.

That's what my parents did with me (I nearly died at birth, was very nearly not resuscitated etc...) I think I was around 19 or 20 when I finally got the whole story and read copies they had of the medical reports that related to my birth.

Am glad they waited till I was older. Don't think it I would have coped at all with the information at a younger age.

I posted earlier and have now read the whole thread through and I still don't really understand why you want to tell her while she's so young. It is bound to come up in conversation when she's a little older and you could tell her then. It doesn't have to be a big dark family secret (my family had those too) but at the same time she doesn't have to know when she's still a little girl. It might make her feel vulnerable and/or guilty. You never know. Death is still an abstract idea to some young children. When my dd's friend's dog died, my dd asked me several weeks later: "did xxx [the dog] really die or did she go to Dogs Trust?" ! bless her little heart.

It's not a case of me 'wanting' to tell her, it's just me believing in the rightness of being open and honest wherever possible. I think if I do the big 'telling when she's old enough' it almost makes too big a thing of it - particularly as she will be old enough to have her own children by then. My gut feeling is she's better off growing up with it not being a big deal rather than freaking her out with it when she's older - after all you only have to look at Mnet each day to see her story is very common. I'm going with Soupdragon - not mentioning it unless it comes up, but if and when it does being as honest as I can be.

Thanks for all yoru comments!

Just come across this thread, I nearly died when I was 6 weeks old, stopped breating and turned blue, my dad resucitated me and I was rushed into hospital. I think I've known this from quite a young age, and to be honest it's not really bothered me, in fact it made my dad and me really close to know that he saved my life.
It was the same when my brother also collapsed at home when he was 6, me and his twin were with him at the time, again Dad had to resuscitate and he was rushed to hospital and me and twin knew brother nearly died. But mum & dad just reassured us lots and they made it clear that these terrifying incidents made us even more precious to them. They just didn't make too big a deal out of the actual event and just concentrated on our recoveries.

Thank you so much catbaby, that is exactly what I want to do with dd1, let her know what happened but don't make a big deal of it, and focus on the positives. It really was one of the best experiences of my life - I became a mother, and learned so much about how precious life is. I think if I sit her down and tell her when she's older it could make it harder for her to handle - she's very matter-of-fact about things atm but that could all change.

Strangely one of the things my mum did tell me and that I've always known (and that she knew from a very early age) is that both she and my nan nearly died during her birth - she has two middle names b/c one of them is the name of the mw that saved them. (sadly I couldn't use Dr. Ahmed as a middle name for dd1!) She certainly isn't traumatised by the knowledge and neither am I.