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Original poster

Should I tell dd1 she nearly died at birth?

40 replies

nearlythree · 09/03/2007 20:32

Dd1 talks a lot about death and dying, partly b/c she is at that age and partly b/c she lost her friend when she was four, so sadly knows that young people can get very poorly and die.

We sometimes talk about her birth and that of her sister and brother. Her brother's birth was a difficult time as the next day dd2 was rushed into hospital by ambulance - dd1 saw it but doesn't talk about it much. The next time she talks about her birth, should I tell her about how ill she was? My parents avoided every difficult subject with me and I'm determined to be honest with our dcs, but at the same time I don't want to cause unneccesary upset.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 09/03/2007 20:36

I think it is ok to say that she was very poorly

I wouldn't mention "nearly died" because I think that's a bit concept, and one that she can work out for herself when she is older. And in a way, it's a meaningless idea really.

Wallace · 09/03/2007 20:37

I think I would - she probably won't think it is a big deal. As long as you can do it without getting upset (don't listen to puff the magic dragon at the same time)

imaginaryfriend · 09/03/2007 20:41

nt, my dd is obsessed with death and talks about it all the time too. She's 4.5, is that about the same as yours? If I were you I'd be reluctant to tell her she nearly died although you could tell her she was very ill and you were all very worried about her. I'm just thinking that if I told my dd she'd almost died she'd go on about it forever, it would really play on her mind. You can tell her the full story when she's a bit older?

zippitippitoes · 09/03/2007 20:47

i don't know it is the sort of tale that children are rather proud to tell to friends..so she may feel the need to rush of and tell in a girly way I nearly died when I was born

Original poster

nearlythree · 09/03/2007 20:54

Yes, dd1 is 5 and in Reception. I know what you mean MP, but it's true also. She went through a stage after her friend died where every time someone saw the doctor she asked if they were going to die.

Probably best just to stick to 'very poorly/too poorly to breastfeed' (the reason this was on my mind as tonight we were talking about why dd2 was bf but not her or ds) etc.

OP posts:

twoisenoughmum · 09/03/2007 20:56

My DD nearly died at birth and I have never once considered telling her about it. Although she is 6 and does understand that people die.

My DH nearly died at birth too, as did his Mum. I can't see that it enhances his life in any way that he knows this.

Perhaps when she's an adult? or older? (actually I don't know how old your dd is) - but why would you? This is not a judgemental question, btw, I am just honestly interested.

Original poster

nearlythree · 09/03/2007 21:06

The reason I would consider it is b/c I grew up in a family where nothing (gereral, like sex, or specific, like a family member being ill) was talked about. Then when things slipped out later (which they always do) I felt betrayed - that I hadn't been trusted or that I'd been lied to - particularly when it seemed everyone else knew except me.

I don't want my dcs to have the same expreiences.

OP posts:

TeeCee · 09/03/2007 21:10

IMO yes, but not till she's a young woman.
Not the sort of thing I think a child needs to know about tbh, imo.

MrsPhilipGlenister · 09/03/2007 21:12

My DS1 nearly died at birth but I haven't told him how close it was - really it is a miracle that he made it - and I can't imagine that I ever will, or certainly not until he's grown up anyway.

He does know that he was poorly when he was born and has seen the black-and-white polaroid of himself when he was intubated.

jalopy · 09/03/2007 21:16

I can understand your need to be honest and upfront with your kids, nearlythree. I just don't think it's an appropriate age to disclose this sort of detail. It serves no purpose, will not enhance your child's life and could possibly cause unnecessary worry and anxiety.

frances5 · 09/03/2007 21:40

Death can come at any moment. Whether it be a road accident or dying at birth. Having a friend die at four years old must be very truamatic.

Do you have a faith? Prehaps you need to think what you want to teach your daughter before you discuss something like death with her. Various organisations like the British Humanist society or christian book shops or even the local library might have books.

MrsPhilipGlenister · 09/03/2007 21:42

nearlythree, can I be very cheeky and ask you whether you feel that you have got over the experience of your dd nearly dying at birth? Because I often feel that I haven't, quite, got over my own experience with DS1. Did you ever get any counselling or anything?

Twinklemegan · 09/03/2007 21:44

My mum came within a cat's whisker of miscarrying me and TBH I still rather wish that I didn't know that. I can't see that there would be any benefit to your DD to know how close it came. Maybe tell her she was very poorly at first, but I wouldn't say any more than that myself.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 09/03/2007 22:14

My dd is 13 and knows that she nearly died, not at birth but later. Actually she did 'die' more than once, but I haven't felt the need to impart that much to her. She has seen her 'last' photo - a precious polaroid that one of the nurses took.

We had a huge talk about it last year when she faced some surgery and was afraid, but we had spoken of it previously. It's unavoidable for her anyway as she's not in the best of health. Five is quite young to grasp it I think, although I can understand that she's asking questions especially about the loss of her friend.

I think the questions that follow on are often more diffcult. 'Where do you go when you die?', that sort of thing. Especially if you don't have a faith.

singersgirl · 09/03/2007 22:19

DS1 (8) knows that he was very ill at a few days old and has seen the photos of himself with a long line in his head, as well as the nasogastric tube. He likes to hear the story about going in the flashing light ambulance to intensive care - I think we all like to hear about exciting things that happened to us that make us special. I've never told him that he nearly died, just that he was very ill and had to have lots of medicine to make him better.

He also likes the story of how he weed all over DH and my DB when he was less than a day old.

Smithagain · 09/03/2007 22:35

I know what you mean about families that don't talk about things. Among the things I learned in adulthood were the fact that my Dad had a previous marriage before my mum. I still don't know if I have any half siblings!

But I agree with others that "I nearly died" could be too much information for your DD at this age. My DD1 is 4.5 and I think she would find that very unsettling. Perhaps even more so, given that your DD has a much more concrete understanding of what death is than most children of her age.

"You were very ill and we were very worried, but we were so happy when you got better again" is probably as far as I would go. Then you are not avoiding the issue and when she is big enough, she will probably extrapolate the rest for herself.

pointydog · 09/03/2007 22:36

personally, I wouldn't. You've said she was very ill - isn't that enough?

That would certainly freak my dd2 out who can be death obsessive.

You are not being dishonest by saying 'very ill' so I don;t think it conflicts with your need to be honest.

Original poster

nearlythree · 10/03/2007 08:28

Thank you all for your replies. I think I'm as over what happened as anyone can be - but then my friend's ds dying brought back stuff I thought was long gone, so who can say? I do find it a lot harder to deal with dd2 getting ill last year although in reality she was in far less danger than dd1 - we just didn't know that at the time. Dd1 doesn't talk about seeing dd2 going off in the ambulance - she was unconscious and both the GP and the paramedics were panicking in a non-panicky way (I wasn't there as I'd just had a section so have had to piece things together from dh and the GP - they thought she had menigitis.) I do think it strange that dd1 doesn't talk about it as she usually wants to talk a lot about things - she talked a lot about her friend after he died, drew pictures etc - she still talks about him now and I think she hasn't been too traumatised b/c we have talked so much.

I wonder if there is ever a good age to learn this stuff - OTOH I hate half-truths. I wonder if now is a good time, whilst she is young enough not to freak about it? I think a better way of phrasing it might be, 'could have died', at whatever age we tell her.

We have a belief in God, an afterlife, and in angels, all of which helped when dd1's friend died. Dd1 talks now about the two of us being in heaven, playing together forever when we die.

sagger - sorry to hear about your dd, sending her and you lots of good vibes.

Those of you who wish you hadn't known you nearly died, why is that, if it's okay to ask?

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lulumama · 10/03/2007 08:32

hi nearlythree....

i agree that it is good to discuss she was ill, but not the 'nearly dying' bit....but it is really admirable to want to be open and honest with your children, even if a topic is distressing x

Original poster

nearlythree · 10/03/2007 08:36

hi, lulu Why do you think I shouldn't tell dd1? I'm genuinely confused as to why everyone thinks it's so bad - dd1 already knows children can die.

OP posts:

lulumama · 10/03/2007 08:55

because if she already knows children can die, telling her she has nearly died once already,might make her think she is more likely to be the next child to die, and might make her very distressed and anxious.

that is only my opinion and i might be totally wrong, but just my gut feeling. x

Original poster

nearlythree · 10/03/2007 08:59

Yes, I had thought of that, but she doesn't get distressed or anxious - I really don't think she'll think she will be the next child to die.

I don't know, maybe it's b/c I don't find it distressing to talk about that I think she won't?

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lulumama · 10/03/2007 09:00

well, you know her best, and have the best idea of how she will take it.but it seems as though you feel you need to tell her for your sake, rather than for her....IFYSWIM..almost like telling her is the last piece in the puzzle for you

that is not meant to be harsh, just finding it hard to say what i mean !!

what will she gain by knowing? nothing to stop you telling her when she is much older....

Original poster

nearlythree · 10/03/2007 09:17

Do you know, I'm not sure I haven't told her already - I wouldn't be doing the big 'sit down I've something to tell you' - it would just be when we are talking about the dcs births, and I think I might have said something about it already! No, I don't feel the need to tell her - well, not for my sake - it's more this thing I have about being honest and open - I hated the way my parents kept me in the dark about everything that mattered.

OP posts:

lulumama · 10/03/2007 09:19

i see what you mean....BUT....you are intending to tell her at some point and you are going to be open and honest,which is different to never intending to tell her...and you want to be open with her about things...doesn;t mean you have to do it NOW!

i guess you will know when the time is right

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