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Parenting

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Original poster

It's me AGAIN. My DS is spiralling and I just do not know what to do...

57 replies

dejags · 09/03/2007 12:30

This is going to be very disjointed, but I'd appreciate any views.

DS1 is not an easy child (there was a long thread about this a few weeks ago). His teacher has been really struggling with him and today asked if she could temporarily move him to another class because he has been so bad this week.

He just doesn't listen to her, he totally ignores her in fact (to the point of being rude). Today DH went to fetch him, all the other children were lined up ready to go home. He was nowhere to be found.

Eventually he was found in another area of the school, showing some other children his guitar (today was show and tell). This is despite very firm rules from me to the effect that he was not allowed to take the guitar out of the classroom.

The teacher had asked him three times to pack up his things and be ready for hometimeand whilst she was getting the others sorted out he just disappeared out of the classroom.

When DH and the teacher finally found him, he just totally ignored the teacher i.e. he turned his back and walked away whilst she was asking him why he wasn't where he was supposed to be (in a very nice way). DH was mortified that our son could be so rude to an adult.

I just don't know what to do with this child. I have totally backed off from school (as per the Ed Psych's request) in the spirit of allowing him to find his own place and engendering in him a greater self respect and knowledge that we love him unconditionally.

This hasn't worked. It seems that unless I am nagging him day and night (and this has it's own set of perils) he just flounders.

For being so rude to his teacher and generally being a disruptive and rude to all around him today, we have told him he cannot attend a friends' party this afternoon. DH (I am at work) says he has just sat in one spot and said nothing since he was told this, he is totally silent and uncommunicative.

I am at work and trying not to stress about it, but I am starting to get really worried on a deeper level that something is wrong with my DS. He just thinks he is an adult and that he can speak to people out of the family home however he pleases. He would never, ever in a million years disrespect me like this.

Oh I dont know...

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Hassled · 09/03/2007 13:05

I have a Dyspraxic 8 year old DS and some of the description of your DS sounds quite similar to him - and the fine motor skills not being in line with his IQ would fit with dyspraxic traits. It took us a long time to get a diagnosis (in the UK), though. Have a look at the Dyspraxic Foundation website sometime - it's been very useful.

mytwopenceworth · 09/03/2007 13:06

have you tried reinforcing the teachers importance? ask her, in front of your son, for a report on his behaviour. back her up in all things and, in fact, make her report the deciding factor on whether you will do something fun that weekend or not. something along the lines of, well, i wont know whether we will be going to the cinema or not until i find out what mrs X has to say about your behaviour this week.

show your son that you see her as someone important, to be respected and listened to. and as someone who holds the key to his leisure time!

Hassled · 09/03/2007 13:08

link here

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:09

MTPW - yes we have tried to reinforce the teacher's authority - it makes not one shred of difference

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Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:10

Thanks Hassled. The link is banned by my proxy server at work. I'll look at that information when I get home.

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ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:10

Poor you and ds. Don't forget to let him know that he is loveable and gorgeous while you are so worried- I always get in a stew and forget to say oi you are lovely hug hug kiss kiss when I am worried. I think you need to get a bit more help on whether there are special needs as others have said but also remember he's very little and lots of kids have settling into school problems. I think the school doesn't sound right for him maybe. Are there any other options?

Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:13

Scummy - I am going to ask for a referral from my paediatrician to a Child Psychiatrist. It's the last thing on my list.

Unfortunately we can't move schools (although I think you have a very valid point). The other local schools are terrible and I think we'd be having an even worse time of it if he was in one of these.

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foxinsocks · 09/03/2007 13:16

I think it's worth getting that referral dejags (even if it makes you feel crap and I'm sorry for that). They just might manage to shed light on the situation.

I know the system there is very different and they are very pro medication!

Whereabout in CT are you?

ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:18

That's hard, dejags. Is it one class entry or could he move? Sounds like the teacher needs advice on how to handle your boy more than you do, tbh. He sounds like a child who needs lots of praise and apperciation and also quite firm boundaries.

Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:20

We are in the Northern Suburbs.

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Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:21

The teacher wants to put him the other Y1 class to see if that helps. I think this is the worst thing she can do - it will just make him feel (sub-consciously) as if he has the upper hand (i.e. by doing this she is admitting defeat with him).

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ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:24

Is the other teacher better though? I honestly think that one problem may be that she isn't a good enough teacher... so if the other one has a better appreciation of your boy moving classes might be a positive step?

foxinsocks · 09/03/2007 13:26

one of my sisters (the one with kids) is in Kenilworth, the other Hout Bay.

Not sure where hers go to school but her hubby is an old SACS boy (but they would have to scrape together fees for that!)

think her 5 (6 in April) is still in nursery (?)

if you are paying for the international school, have you looked at others round there?

Aloha · 09/03/2007 13:28

Hi Dejags! I'm not sure I can help at all, but if you do want to talk try my hotmail [email protected] (or co.uk I tend to forget! Try both!)

I have to say, I would hate to try to 'diagnose' your ds. My little boy is clever and can be absolutely fantastic, but he has terrible off days when he really bugs the other children and annoys the teacher. He has little concept of personal space and frequently gets far too close to people's faces - literally 'in your face' - putting his hands close to their eyes or mouths. He will often not respond to a normal greeting or conversation, instead carrying on with what he was saying or just walking away. He is a bit of a lost soul at children's parties - not unhappy but doesn't really play like other children. You can really see the difference when they all sit down to eat. He is also very impulsive. He is also clever, can read very well, is learning his times tables at school (he's five and in reception), can spell anything, writes little stories on the computer, but his conversation is definitely not quite right, though he's fabulously articulate and even poetic (he looked at a rainbow and said 'the pink is all faded, like a dream you are trying to remember' !) he doesn't really get the two-way thing and sometimes you really feel as if you are under interrogation and it is absolutely exhausting!
Ds has dyspraxia and Aspergers, but I do think some perfectly 'normal' children might do better if treated as if they had special needs. That's not to say I let ds get away with stuff. We had a few really bad days when he was out of control at school and I absolutely read the riot act to him at home. Very, very cross, no treat when I picked him up, no bedtime story (big punishment) and I took his sister out to tea at a cafe and left him at home with dh. Then we said that we wery disappointed with his behaviour because we know he is a fantastic little boy and asked him to use his 'big, clever brain' to control himself, which really appealed to him. I told him that not all boys of his age have a really clever brain to control what they do, but he does, so he has to use it. And - touch wood - we've had a complete turn about since then. I'm not saying he won't go up and down because I know he will, he's only human, and the other bit of advice I'd give is to not panic when he seems to be behaving oddly or even unpleasantly - that isn't who it is, and though you may need to crack down, he won't be awful every day. And when you have a good day, you will remember what a lovely little boy he is really.

ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:29

tbh- if she wants him out that may well be a reason why he's not behaving. Kids know when someone has admitted defeat. I think your son may need the inout of someone with a much more positive attitude towards him. Someone who feels that he has the capacity to be a valued member of the class. Does the other teacher fit this bill do you think?

Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:29

DS was with the other teacher last year in Reception. She is older and less prone to nonsense but DS was very unhappy in her class (never wanted to go to school).

Stuck between a rock and hard place.

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ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:31

the pink is all faded, like a dream you are trying to remember

Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:32

OMG Aloha. You just described my son.

You truly did. It helps so much to know that this is not because he is just a horrid/wilful/badly brought up little boy.

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soph28 · 09/03/2007 13:34

i was going to say it sounds like Asperger's. I have treated many children with Asperger's and they often are very verbal, have excellent memories, good vocabularies, often good readers, high IQ etc.
They can struggle with abstract concepts, handwriting, visuo-spatial skills, subtleties of communication/relationships, over sensitive to too much light/noise etc.

Problem with a lot of ed psychs is that they have too little time with child to make a good evaluation and not enough funding to do much about it unless they are well and truly failing at school.

ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:35

Oh dejags. I know that this is not what you want to hear but I would place 99.9% of the problems at the door of the school from the information you have given. It sounds like you are doing all the running and they have provided very little in the way of help or good practice. I really think you need to plan a way to get him out of there, somehow. Whether he has special needs or not it sounds like the wrong place.

ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 13:37

Interesting that he sounds similar to aloha's lovely boy. Does this school have any awareness of special needs or willingness to address them, do you think?

florenceuk · 09/03/2007 13:42

Dejags my son is 5 and has some similarities. I think your son sounds like he is bored and consequently has no motivation to behave. DS has no "authority" radar, he only really pays attention if he wants to. Was sent to deputy head's class at one point for misbehaving, and only behaved because they were being given a lecture on drugs(!) and he was interested in listening to it. DS is also good with older kids (who apparently love him, they will seek him out in school and give him hugs) but not so good with kids his own age (clowns around, doesn't really understand need for personal space, and can be a bit violent if he loses his temper). He is a very boisterous, in your face kind of child, very articulate but has dreadful fine motor skills (still can't draw anything much, has lots of difficulty writing). By Xmas (his first term) DS had earned a reputation as the naughtiest child in the school which is not bad going for his first term.

What seems to be working - we have a smiley face chart for good behaviour in which school is two smiley faces (am and pm), the school shifted him to a class group which was otherwise entirely girls (who were also more advanced in terms of writing and reading etc), and, surprisingly enough, being in a larger class (after January intake) which meant he stuck out less as the "naughty child", lots of instant rewards and praise like stickers, little certificates. So far (since Xmas) he has been better - some of which I put down to just getting a bit older and more mature (DS calls this getting his good brain to work). I wonder if shifting your DS might also work in that it effectively wipes the slate clean?

Aloha · 09/03/2007 13:47

I am lucky dejags, his school has been very open to looking at different strategies to manage and motivate him, have asked for a lot of outside help (OT, Autism support, paediatrician, speech therapist) and listened. They don't always get it right and it is a very big school so there have been failings in his lunch and playtime supervision, but I do feel they are listening and trying to make the classroom work for him. I know they really enjoy his intellectual curiosity and quirky sense of humour. He drives them potty sometimes by being silly, wriggly and impulsively calling out (he's an appalling interrupter), but then he drives me insane at times so I can't blame them for that. Getting him dressed in the morning can be a nightmare - he'll read a book or even stare into space rather that help us dress him (his motor skills are delayed, so he has trouble dressing and he's not very motivated either!) and he is a ditherer (but so am I). But he is lovely. I posted on another thread about how he will sit in the car with his sister, holding hands and they will say 'I love you' to each other.

Aloha · 09/03/2007 13:48

Oh yes, ds has awful - totally illegible! - handwriting and can't really draw, but he is improving.

Original poster

dejags · 09/03/2007 13:54

Florence - my DS sounds very like yours too.

Have you had any sort of diagnosis?

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