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Original poster

I think my daughter is tone deaf and it is very painful!

35 replies

BleedingEars · 06/03/2007 09:48

Have chnaged name for this as I hate being negatives about my dc's.

My dd1 12 cannot hold a tune and sings with a low moaning wail which I find very difficult to listen to. Dd 2 9 can sing very well, loudly and confidently.

The problem is Singstar!

They both love it and will spend hours on it. DD1 is I believe totally unaware of the sound she makes when she sings (even though she always gets a singstar rating of tonedeaf) Dd2 always gets the top score and superstar rating.

Now to the problem, dd2 started making fun of dd1's voice at first which I stopped her from doing as it really really upset dd1.

Dd1 wants to invite her friends over to play on singstar at the weekend, they are a new group of friends as she has just started secondary school and am pretty certain comments will be made and I don't want her made fun of.

What would you do? She is not a confident child and goes to pieces quite easily, generally has pretty low self esteem due to other problems in the past which I can't discuss.

Do I point out how she sounds? I don't want to upset her. If I manage to postpone this weekend there will be events where she is at her friends houses singing as they all love karaoke.

I'm not exagerating at how awful her singing voice is either, the question is how do I manage this with the minimum of hurt feelings?

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 06/03/2007 09:50

send her to singing lessons? It could be a great boost to her confidence.

Tortington · 06/03/2007 09:51

dont say anything - your job is to encourage her. be there if she cries. confort her - dont put her down there will be plenty of other people to do that - and if you say something then what - she cant go to these parties?

my daughter was partially deaf for years. she cant sing for toffee. but i never told her. EVER, she wails upstairs and i too have bleeding ears. in fact when she's not there i piss miself at how truly horrible the wailing is. But i would NEVER tell her. i tell her shes wonderful and great and we sing in the car and we do joint kareoke on holiday.

just be there

colditz · 06/03/2007 09:53

You can't, she will be hurt. But you could postpone this weekend thing, and do something non singy instead, and meanwhile, if it is very important to her to learn to sing, get her some lessons?

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Original poster
BleedingEars · 06/03/2007 09:53

Would love to send her to lessons but can't afford them I'm afraid, looked into it and have been quoted £12 per half hour.

I'm erring towards your view Custardo I just am worried about how she will react to comments from her new friends.

OP posts:
tortoiseSHELL · 06/03/2007 09:55

BleedingEars - does she speak in a monotone? If not, then she isn't tone deaf!

Sometimes it takes people a long time to 'find' their voice. If you can do it without upsetting her, get her to do 'sirens' to 'NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe' going from the very bottom to the very top and back again. That sometimes help people to find their singing voice.

Otherwise, you could try a few singing lessons - a teacher will be able to find it without it seeming as if 'there's a problem that needs sorting out'. Where are you based?

colditz · 06/03/2007 09:56

Just let her cry to you about them. It's not her fault they can't hear how lovely she sounds. And there are plenty of things she can do beautifully, I bet!

My mother told me I had an awful voice, and actually that's not even true. It's not great, more mediocre, but not awful.

Tortington · 06/03/2007 09:56

maybe some general comments not specifically about singing - maybe about school say " if your friends pull you about something and they say your rubbish say "i know but i've got to try then maybe i could be as good as you"

or something

Bucketsofdynomite · 06/03/2007 09:57

Can she whistle in tune? If so, she's not literally tone deaf, just totally not in control of her voice.
Have a look here to see if there's anything local, maybe you could all go along to something. It's a really nice relaxed way of learning and practising and helping to create lovely music.

Tortington · 06/03/2007 09:57

when i was a kid i was skateboarding, i ws 12, this kid i didn't even know came up to me and mockingly said " your RUBBIsH!"
"well i won't get better if i don't try" says i

the kid just went off.

Original poster
BleedingEars · 06/03/2007 09:58

No she doesn't talk in monotone. She does have a deep voice though. The only song she can nearly sing on singstar is Marilin Manson Personal Jesus!

We are in North England but a small town and the only teacher I can find as I mentioned earlier is out of budget.

OP posts:
tortoiseSHELL · 06/03/2007 09:59

try the siren thing, and also play games where you sing a note, she sings it back, you sing two notes, she sings them back.

Kelly1978 · 06/03/2007 10:02

does the school have a choir? I'm deaf and actually had no concept of singing with pitch at all until I joined the school choir, and then I actually did manage to learn to sing. I still have a pretty awful voice, but it isn't monotone any more.

Original poster
BleedingEars · 06/03/2007 10:09

I don't think they have a choir but will look into it. She can't whistle so can't test that way!

THanks for all the suggestions.

OP posts:
luciemule · 06/03/2007 10:11

From the age of 14 until I was 22, I had classical singing lessons and my teacher said that there were very few people who couldn't be taught to sing and that they needed to be taught how to listen to their voice! You could send her to a couple of lessons and see what the teacher says because unless she does have something wrong with her hearing, her voice should be able to be trained to sing. Once she's had a few lessons, you could perhaps encourage her to joing the school choir so she wasn't on her own singing. That way she would gain confidence and learn to listen to others and herself singing.
At home, you could always play a note on a recorder and ask her to sing what she hears and keep practising that way with small sentences from easy songs she knows well. To help her confidence, you could ask her to practice one special song she really loves by listening to it on the CD player, then ask her to perform it in front of you or she could do a little show with her brother for you and your DH. We used to do that all the time and it gave me a lot more confidence doing it in front of family first.Or what about joinging the children's chorus of a panto - she obviously loves music and singing and I think if she part of a big chorus, it;d be easier for her. Also, cheaper than singing lessons. I really think that if she loves singing that much it should be encouraged, not discouraged.
Another great thing to do is to go walking somewhere where there are no people (hills or the like) and get her to do lots of shouting in a dramatic way so she gets used to her 'voice'. A lot of people aren't used to hearing themselves shout or don't often raise their voice and make lots of different sounds with it to know what it can really do.

twelveyeargap · 06/03/2007 10:14

I sang like that until I was about 8 or 9 and I'm convinced it's because my mother never had music on in the house or the car when I was small.

Once my stepdad moved in and played lots of music, my singing started to improve. I can hold a tune fairly well now, although I still find it quite hard to join in in the right key, first time.

This is just observation, I have no idea if it's coincidence.

My DD has quite a nice voice, but was pretty tuneless, iyswim. Her school offered singing lessons very reasonably and she's improved a lot. She'll never be a star and we've "managed her expectations", but as least I don't cringe when I hear her now. Well, only if she tries to sing in a stupid fake American accent. Eurgh.

(BTW, I banished sing star to the bedroom. I can't bear it!)

Original poster
BleedingEars · 06/03/2007 10:18

We've always been a very musical family, always have music on and we all sing lots!

I like the idea of a couple of lessons. I think what I'm worried about is singling her out and practising with her will emphasise that she has a problem iyswim?

Am hunting around now for local choirs and singing groups.

OP posts:
booge · 06/03/2007 10:31

I have a rotten singing voice, at school the other girls used to laugh when I sang hymns in chapel because it was so bad but I love hymns so I sang loudly anyway. I even got a part as a tone deaf person in a house play my singing was so notorious. Then a few years ago sitting next to my mother at a wedding she turned to me and said, "I never knew you were so awful!"

I was upset when I found out I couldn't sing as I had always thought I had a good voice and I was a sensitive little girl. I learned to laugh at myself and at least that way I was in on the joke. I still sing loudly if I hear a song I like and often give a hearty rendition of "To be a Pilgrim" around the house...sod everyone else. In fact I have a good giggle when I see someone shocked by my dreadful voice.

Your dd may be as unhappy as I was to learn she can't sing well but better that than to be like these deluded people you see on X Factor who think they sound ok. You have to wonder why their parents weren't kind enough to tell them they can't sing. Not being able to sing doesn't mean you can't enjoy singing though.

SoupDragon · 06/03/2007 10:32

Get her to sing the do ray me song from the sound of music lots? If you sing it to her note by note and get her to copy it might help exercise her voice better than pop songs.

NotanOtter · 06/03/2007 10:37

my dd is easily the worst singer of my rabble. It breaks my heart. Her brothers are like songbirds and she is well......not!

Re singstars she is FAB.....

Just get your daughter to sing very quietly into the mic - that way she can concentrate on the notes more..I can never hear dd when she is on it but she frequently wins it...

dont worry but NO ...dont tell her

Original poster
BleedingEars · 06/03/2007 10:38

Booge, I think your story is what is worrying me. I really am worried that her friends will laugh at her. Teenage girls can be so cruel and she is pretty oblivious to the problem. We've always just encouraged her and as I mentioned earlier I've stopped dd2 from making comments. I think she is getting to an age now though where it will be noticed more by her friends.

To be honest although she has sung in the past she hasn't as much as dd2 and I think it is because her new friends are into Karaoke that she has started playing again on Singstar with her sister

OP posts:
stleger · 06/03/2007 11:32

A radio programme here had a teaching singing to people who can't sing series. One man was able to do Jonnie Cash, who only goes up and down a small range. My dd1 sings lustily and tunelessly, but can play the piano.

booge · 06/03/2007 11:53

It is a tough one BleedingEars, if either of mine have had the misfortune to inherit my voice though I will let them know gently that perhaps singing isn't their greatest skill so at least they are prepared if their peers tease them. I just feel being unprepared could be more heartbreaking.

I would temper that with lots of praise and encouragment for the things they are more talented at. I think 12 is a good age to start to recognise that one has strengths and weeknesses.

Bucketsofdynomite · 06/03/2007 13:42

Booge, some people just need a little training to unlock the voice. Well done for giving it your all but why not ask for a private lesson for your birthday? I'm sure it would lighten up your life even more.
My MIL insists she cannot swim 'I have faith that I will sink like a stone' and always says she'd love to have lessons. So I have regularly brought her details of local courses inc one-to-one adult lessons and she always manages to ignore them and change the subject! Part of it is her comfy bimbo act but I think part is also not thinking herself worth spending money on, no matter how much happiness it might bring her.
Anyway, I've rambled but my point was supposed to be something on the lines of a life lived in fear is a life half lived. blah blah blah

booge · 06/03/2007 15:42

You know Bucketsofdynomite I really like the idea of finding my voice but I had years of singing lessons when I was at boarding school and they didn't help.

Did anyone see the can't sing singers, they all held a tune by the end so perhaps there is hope for the vocally challenged.

Bucketsofdynomite · 06/03/2007 17:33

Yep, have a look at my link below, a natural voice practitioner sounds like what you need.