Time-out (naughty step) good or bad

[lexcat]

I myself have used the naughty step and in my eyes with sucess with my dd. On the other hand I my sister and boyfriend are very anti it which I don't really understand. As other parent what are your feelings on this. Do you use time-out or do you use other methods.

I know people have something against the room thinge because their bedroom is supposed to be a safe happy relaxed place for them but dd herself has chosen sometimes if her emotions get the beter of her to go to her room. She is now starting to feel the need for her ow space at times and her bedroom is her own space so that is where she chooses.
I don't agree with yelling go to your room and making it an upsetting punishment but using it as a place for my dd to have the space she needs it's her room it is her space.

Any of these methods (ignoring / naughty step / sent to room) is using withdrawal of your attention as a punishment and a form of behaviour modification. It's a controlling, crude way to treat a young human being.

we use time out as a means of allowing the dds to calm themselves down or to separate them when they are not playing nicely or behaving appropriately.

No step - downstairs they sit around the corner in the entry way away from toys etc. Upstairs they go to their room or sit near the front door.

not called naughty step - just a place when they can calm down.

I have never used the naughty step and agree strongly with franny on this one. Since my X was abusive and (also to the kids) I have always used adult methods of discussion and reason.

However there are times when I have told my children to go to their rooms until they have cooled down not as a punishment but in order to split them up from problem situations.

On the plus side franny, my kids are allowed to send me to mine as well when I get too stressy! We have family meetings nearly every week adn we set the family rules between us and this was one of theirs which has only been used twice and actually I calmed down quite quickly and felt loads better. It is a good tip for single mums with kids who are highly imaginative and challenging.

when you have a 4.5yo who has sn and doesn't understand reasoning as some 4.5yo - removing her from the situation is far better than shouting at her or other forms of punishment that have been suggested by others to me. Generally she is very well behaved but sometimes the dds wind each other up and it is on for young and old - they need to be separated. Or dd1/dd2 is tired and they need to just step away from situation.

It is not withdrawing attention - it is removing them from the situation to diffuse it - at 2.5 and 4.5 - I think that is fine.

They are not in their room/wherever for very long at all - 2 mins max - then when they are calm we 'talk' about what happened.

Only used when I can see they are losing it and need to step away.

Anyway - that is why it works for us.

Doors are never closed and dd1 knows to just stay there until mummy or daddy come and speak with her.

is there really anything wrong with withdrawing your attention from a child having a tantrum and reinstating that attention once they have calmed down.?
I would have challenged anybody to "reason" with my ds at the age of 3!
I have a child of each extreme. Had I only experienced my dd I perhaps too would be advocating the reasoning way-as she responds to that approach even at the terrible twos stage. No doubt I would be thinking anything else would be "heavy handed"
With a more difficult and determined child, like my ds, I may as well have reasoned with the wall.

Having had 11 different children in my care over 15yrs I feel I have experienced many different kinds of behaviour & what works with one may not work with all.

Some children need time out to calm down (as do some adults) whether that be a step, corner, pillow...it's always been the last resort for me.

"I may as well have reasoned with the wall"

..that's my DS too! intelligent, capable of understanding complex ideas, yes. Open to reason once he gets into a strop - absolutely not! "time-out" of whatever form is neccesary to give him a chance to reason it out for himself - 99 times out of 100 he comes back with at least an offer of compromise..

With DS1 I never had to use anything like this. He was very reasonable and would stops, shouting, crying,whatever and listen to me and we were able to come to some sort of compromise.

Ds2 was a huge shock to the system as none of the methods I had sucessfully employed with DS1 have ever had any affect on DS2.

DS2 is very spirited and if he is caught up in bad behaviour, ie physically hurting his siblings or action that is a danger to himself, there is no way he is open to negotiation. I started by telling him that he must stop hitting, kicking X and if he did it again he would go in the naughty corner.

He tested this to the limit when I first introduced it but that is his way of reacting to any sort of rule, test, test, test, test.

After one day he knew that I meant it and I only have to say Stop or you'll go in the naughty corner and he does.

On days when he has found his emotions particularly difficult to deal he has deliberately pushed so he was put in the naughty corner. This has helped me recognise occasions when he needs me to take him out of the situation.

I think for some parents it is is very useful tool for dealing with unwanted/dangerous behaviour but it has to be used consistently, without shouting, the reasons for being removed from the situation explained for it to have any positive effect.

I think it is easy to say I would never do that (me prior to DS2!!) but when the reality is that you live with a child who's emotions and reactions are 'more' than the average child then you need to be able to reinforce with a method that is 'more' than distraction, negotiation etc.

I have one but it's just 'the step' not the naughty step or as my friend calls it 'the bad boy step' It works effectively (I certainly wouldn't say it humiliates my children) I also combine it with a discussion when they come off as to why they were on it and saying sorry to whoever they upset. (as far as these discussions go with ds who is still too young) with him it's more of the ultimate threat...do you want to go on the step? Usually that's enough to stop him doing whatever it is he is doing. Also they go on after warnings, not just thrown on without reason! I'm happy with it as a form of discipline.

Oh and in a moment of smugness I have an 'aquaintence' at best with whom I had very differing forms of discipline...I did, she didn't really. As I watched my dd and her dd in the playground with their nursery teacher I saw my dd happily standing in the line chatting to another little girl and her dd being asked to go in the line by her teacher and shouting no and to then start hitting the teacher. I'm saying no more.

btw I'm not saying other forms of discipline don't work, I'm sure they do but this person used to make me feel neurotic and over the top for disciplining my children...

Ive tried "naughty step" with my dd who is now 5 and it sort of worked for her - more in a time out and calm down way - My ds is 2 1/2 and has started hitting out if anything negative is said to him or taken away (i.e: if hitting the tv with a toy and say no dont do that he will come over and hit out at you) ive tried the "naughty step" a couple of times but its pointless he just runs off into kitchen and amuses himself - reasoning with him isnt something that would work at the moment as he is not mature enough to understand - so what does everyone else do ???

agree broadly with franny

however I have sent the dds to their rooms when I am about to lose my temper

I have never bothered with a naughty step or star chart

I either get cross or give them lots of praise

oh and dances, even if my dd behaved in that way I wouldn't put it down to my 'lack of discipline'

actually I do discipline somehow

probably not very consistent though

Fair enough Enid but when I child doesn't know that it's wrong to hit an adult, particularly a teacher I would be concerned about whether this had been taught at home.

actually, on reflection maybe I wouldn't always jump to that conclusion but in this case I know the child's family (as I said) My children can be naughty too and I do discipline consistently but I would hope they would know what is really unacceptable behaviour.

she probably DOES know it is wrong

all kids do stuff they know is wrong

Message withdrawn

It works for me. I use it in extreme cases and it gives everyone a break from a difficult situation.

Often just the threat is enough.

I think there has to be a final sanction and I don't like to smack so this is my limit and they know that.

Franny, aren't you confusing some kind of over-use of things like 'naughty step'? When I talk about sending dd to her room to calm down a bit, it's because she is literally unable to listen or even know what to do with herself when she's in a total rage (usually, thankfully, only about every two weeks or so or less in fact). She won't even let me cuddle her although if she did it would always make things better. The space away from the situation allows her to calm down, come straight back to me when she wants to with no recriminations, have a cuddle and the kind of chat that would never happen if I kept pushing for it in the heat of the moment.

IF I was talking about sending to room as a punishment

I know sometimes space to calm down can be useful, but I think in a child's mind can be easily confused with their emotions being unaceptable and unlikeable

I have sent ds to his room to give myself space to calm down when I am furious and feel out of control

dear god how ridiculous, I should be sending MYSELF to my room

anyway, I do think it works but I am not sure whether the message it gives to the child is actually always for the best

I think dd treats it as something of a relief when she's beside herself for me to tell her to go and calm down. She never resists going, I think she just likes to think someone knows what the hell's going on!

But no, I'd never send her to her room as a punishment. I reserve that purely for dp.

Yes it is one of those situations where you can't generalise, I think it largely depends on how it is experienced by the child

as for your dp, however....the poor soul

I know. I think he must think I don't take his emotions seriously and find them unacceptable ...

Senting a child to their rooms is also time out just used a different way.
I personly would never sent my dd to her room as I think that is harder then the step. At least from the step she came still see and hear me and dido for me.
But I must add she herself will take herself to her room when thing are just getting to much and she is going to lose it (not always).