Thanks for your replies and sorry for all the typos in my post. I was typing angrily & tired!
For a bit of background, he didn't play golf before we were married. He actually wanted to spend time with me then. It started a couple of years ago. First it was a summer thing. I loved it at first. On Saturdays I'd enjoy a lie in, bath, pamper etc and some 'me' time. It worked. Then it started happening more frequently so to compromise he'd get an early tee time and by the time he was back I'd be up and ready to go out (after a lovely slow morning). He used to say how grateful he was that I'd let him go out and golf. At the time, I was grateful of my quiet time too.
But then it took over. He started doing competitions and away days. Over time, I started to feel a bit down and lonely. When he was out, I'd find myself crying most Saturdays and feeling low. I knew this wasn't normal. It wasn't me attention seeking as I didn't tell anybody but after ages I thought I had a bit of low mood so I went to a doctor. I put it down to stress at work and failiure to conceive when lots of my friends had children. I had counselling which was great. I felt daft as on paper I have a good life (home, job, friends, family, no bereavements or horrible things had happened). The counsellor said I was normal which was a relief.
After that I decided to get my own hobby so I got a season ticket and went to watch football with my family most Saturdays. My mum was concerned that me and my husband didn't seem to have a mutual hobby/spend time together but I enjoyed my Saturdays.
Then I fell pregnant. I didn't renew my season ticket for another year as I knew I'd be busy! I presumed that my husband would do the same with his golf membership but in spring he renewed it (without asking me). At the time I was concerned. I said it him I didn't think he'd have much time with a newborn. He assured me he wouldn't play much but it was better value to have a membership. I honestly thought he'd sack it off once the baby came.
Our baby came early and we were in hospital for a few days. My husband was amazing. He ran round to get everything ready and really supported me. That Saturday (baby one week old), he asked if he could play golf and foolishly I said yes. I thought it would be a treat for him after everything and that he'd want to share his excitement with his friends. I felt slightly scared to be on my own and the midwife visited. Our baby was losing weight and was dropping below 5lb so she told me to use formula. I had the (very common) feeling of 'is my breast milk not working'. The baby wasn't feeding properly.
A week later....a golf away day he'd booked long before the baby arrived (presuming the baby wasn't due til a month later). As he'd booked it I stupidly let him go. This time I had to entertain his mother who had come to "look after" me whilst he was out. He sent me a text saying, "the first whole is called xxxxx's view" (xxxx being our baby's name). Enraged, I sent a text back saying "the real xxxx's view is here at home." And there it started. I'd allowed him to go so every weekend he goes off.
My problem is not the fact I never get a day off. That was my wish early on but now our baby is such a joy I love spending time together. My problem is that I wonder if he wanted a baby. I feel unattractive, not funny anymore and that he chooses golf over his family. I could tell him to stop it and he would but my whole thing is that I wished he WANTED to!
And for the record he has never had our baby for a full day. I've been out a couple of times at night and had a handful of mornings & afternoons off duty.