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Parenting

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Original poster

Marriage with baby.

48 replies

user1489875480 · 18/03/2017 22:28

Saturday night...8 month old baby. Husband plays golf all day once a weekend & just assumes I'll provide childcare.(I love spending time with our baby, it's a joy.) I dream of having a husband that would chose his family over his golf. He has just come to bed with the calendar and his golf diary and right next to me written on all golf fixtures this year. I was like "are you taking the pi--?"
The problem is I have met loads of baby friends whose husbands all chip in. Is this normal?
(I had a prem, low weight baby. Came out of hospital and the first weekend he played golf. He then did it almost every weekend. He won't compromise. Says he needs to do it to relax).
What should I do?

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Original poster

user1489875480 · 19/03/2017 12:50

Thank you. Your words are really good. IVe been considering counselling x

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Original poster

user1489875480 · 19/03/2017 12:50

I think that too to be honest. Once a fortnight.

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thewaitresses · 19/03/2017 13:02

You say that early on in his golfing days he used to get in an early game and then you could spend the rest of the day together - could this work with a family outing?

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BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/03/2017 13:03

Three weeks out of the four is perilously close to every weekend. The "non golf" weekend will just turn out to be THE important comp that he can't miss.
Every other week is fair.
What about he plays every other week but maybe the other weeks he goes and hits a bucket of balls at the driving range? So he gets his golf fix every weekend.
Some driving ranges do a season ticket, maybe buy him one for his birthday so that it shows you know he needs his golf but provides a more balanced family time

Original poster

user1489875480 · 19/03/2017 13:07

As for the control. I have wondered...
When I tried to bring this up once he said "ok. I wil, not okay golf but ever single weekend I expect us to do something so there be no seeing friends, family etc. We do stuff together. End of!"
I gave up. I thought I may want to go out with friends when invited and things like that.

I wish someone else would just tell him "you're being selfish. Get a grip!"

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Aria2015 · 19/03/2017 13:14

I too am a golf widow. I do wish dh favoured a sport that took less than 5-6 hours but it's his big passion. Usually he gives me a lie-in in return for him playing golf in the afternoon or the next morning. The main pain for me is the that we only have one car so when he plays I'm a bit stuck and can only go places within walking distance. No advice really, just know you are not alone lol!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/03/2017 14:56

Him insisting that if he doesn't golf you don't see friends or family, just him IS controlling.

What you actually want and need is flexibility. To be able to say on Thursday, what shall we do this weekend? So maybe you want to go and see family and he doesn't, fine, he can go and play golf.

But golf should be what gets fitted in when there is nothing else to do.
It shouldn't be the thing that gets put in diary first then everything else works around it.

I love my golf and so does DH, so I understand where he's coming from.
But I still think that he's being unreasonable

ODog · 19/03/2017 20:58

My DH is the same with cricket. Works all week and plays cricket all weekend all summer. It pisses me off too.

Original poster

user1489875480 · 20/03/2017 08:16

Thank you for all of your support. It's the first time I posted on here. I was desperate to talk to someone.

My husband and I had a heart to heart last night. I suggested he played once a fortnight but he said it's not worth the membership. I do understand why he wants to play but it's just a shame it takes so long!

He's going to continue playing. In the end I just said 'fine' and pretended I was ok but I hardly slept. He says I need a hobby that's not our baby. So I'm going to ensure I do really nice things (with baby) as before but be secretly lonely when we're on walks together. I don't like asking friends out at weekends as most of them are busy with their own families.

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Original poster

user1489875480 · 20/03/2017 08:17

It's golf or our marriage and I'd rather our marriage last!

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NannyOggsKnickers · 20/03/2017 09:09

I think you need to be completely honest with him. Did you tell him how lonely you feel? Did you explain how isolated it made you feel in the early days? You need to be 100% open about your feelings. Lack of communication is why marriages fail. There is something wrong and he will need to compromise to fix it. You need to make clear how unhappy you are. If that doesn't work then I suggest you book to do things on your own on Sunday for a little bit and see how he likes being alone with the baby. He may not appreciate how tough it can be. Good luck.

Imi22sleeping · 20/03/2017 10:06

My husband works a lot his job is the tupe people do for a hobby we used to do the same job and i stopped after baby came he worked weekends and nights its fine yhe nature of the job but i had a hen do one weekend organised months ahead and he said who is going to watch baby for you if im working. I think the look on my face said it all and my rant along with it. I explained it was our baby and sometimes i deverse a break my life didnt just invovled being a mum and his stayed the same he wasnt able to work that day cos i was out (he can do that at his work now and again) now he would never dream of stupid comments lije that and is thr moat hard working dad in and out the house. I still men take a lot longer to ajust as we have pregnancy to get used to change the day my best friend had her baby her husband went out a run and went for a take away then golf during parenterty leave till she was like ok im away out and he resliease it wasnt on. You need to justbook stuff for the same time and tell him its not your job to be his golfchildcare. He will need to sort it himself.

mimiholls · 20/03/2017 12:09

Agree with Nanny you have not been honest with him about how you feel if you went to bed pretending it was fine. I think you need to be as your resentment is going to build up and that is not conducive to a long lasting marriage. You have said it's accept the golf or you lose your marriage so is he essentially saying he would rather sacrifice your relationship than not play golf every weekend? This isn't going to end well if he cannot compromise and does not value his family enough to consider it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/03/2017 12:24

"not worth the membership"
Suggest he looks into "Gateway" membership. Much smaller annual subscription then pay and play.
They're designed for people who have other things to do apart from play golf. LIKE HE DOES!
He can still have a handicap and play in competitions.
Is he offering no compromise?

NannyOggsKnickers · 20/03/2017 15:05

Good point mimi. You need to spell out for him that his decision is essentially not to have a family life with you and his daughter. Hobbies and seperate interests are fine, even healthy, as long as they aren't done to the exclusion of everything else. Five or even ten years down the line he'll find that his relationship with you has crumbled and that he doesn't know that much about his own child. He probably doesn't see it that way now. He's just trying to carve out his own time. But you need to make him aware what effect his selfishness is having.

Sunshineandlaughter · 20/03/2017 15:41

It's your job to tell him he is being selfish! No one else is going to do it I'm afraid. Agree you need to be more honest with him so you don't keep feeling resentful and hurt.

Twinnypops · 21/03/2017 12:38

I've recently returned to work and there is absolutely no way I would want to give up my Saturdays with my boys for a "break". I have enough time apart from them during the week, I'm desperate to spend as much time with them as possible. I've even got a bit peeved that my DH keeps wanting to take them to Dads' clubs! While I was on maternity leave DH went out a couple of times to the cinema and that was it, and I would have been majorly annoyed if he had been doing it every week.

3 times a month is better, but still sounds a lot to me. The real issue is him wanting to play golf every Saturday, rather than whether he actually does play golf every Saturday, so perhaps you need to have a talk with him and come to some sort of compromise.

Twinnypops · 21/03/2017 20:21

Is it that he doesn't understand your feelings or (to be blunt) that he doesn't care? From the things you've said a lot of alarm bells are going for signs of abuse. How is your relationship otherwise? Are you happy?

Original poster

user1489875480 · 21/03/2017 20:57

He knew I was upset on Monday night so on Tuesday he said he'd been thinking about it all day. We had a chat (again) and I mentioned a few suggestions from your posts: thank you. he's still going to play.

Today I took our baby out to the local library then for a walk on the afternoon. I mowed the lawn but couldn't be bothered washing up. He got home and commented on it, saying "on Saturday, I rinsed the bowls through as I was going along to prevent the washing up piling up." I thought 'what an arse!' Inside my head I was livid! I thought he only had our baby for an hour or so before golf!

Anyway, sitting here watching some repeat of top gear and thinking life's too short for this. I don't want a broken family so I've made my bed...

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stiffstink · 21/03/2017 21:11

I think I'd rather be single than feel like second best to a stick and a tiny ball.

What are his redeeming qualities as a husband?

stiffstink · 21/03/2017 21:12

Will you be going to work when the baby is older OP? What will the division of childcare/labour be like?

Original poster

user1489875480 · 21/03/2017 21:19

I'm going back to work in a couple of months. He works full time too.

Stiffstink hahaha! That's how I feel!! Got to laugh or else I'd cry.

In his short bursts he's a good dad. Good job, aims to get back to do bath/bedtime. Does chores if I'm explicit about what needs doing.

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Twinnypops · 22/03/2017 19:21

You haven't made your bed and you certainly don't need to lie in it. This isn't fair for you or your baby. When does his membership run out? If it's soon could you negociate that once it runs out he'll only go x times a month?

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