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Parenting

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Original poster

Just how much harder is it with two?

55 replies

kitkat321 · 17/03/2017 22:59

I continue to swing back and forth between sticking with one child and having another.

My dd is 2 1/2 now - she's amazing but a bundle of energy and attitude and because she's an only child she's used to getting all of the attention and is probably a bit spoiled.

Me and DH work full time, I'm the bread winner with a high paid but demanding job. DH has a good job too butisn't well paid enough that I could drop some working days without taking a big hit on our income.

We've now got a good routine and with both of us on fully salaries we are financially in a good position which I know would change if I had a second.

I keep hearing that 1 is 1 and 2 is 10 - it's not double the work it's much more than that but how much is that influenced by the age gap?

If I fell pregnant today my dd would be 3 by the time I had another - in nursery 3 days a week and with a degree of independance but that might not be the reality.

I'm 36 now and I don't think I'd want to be much older before having another - this is a young man's game! If I'd know how physically and mentally training it was I might have had my first when I was a bit younger!

So be honest - how tough is it? Some days I feel that dd is more than enough when she's acting up, I've had a crap day at work and DH thinks it's acceptable to come home, put her to bed and then ignore the pile of washing/ironing and put his feet up and watch TV.

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Bumpsadaisie · 18/03/2017 21:35

Don't underestimate the value slightly further on of having two who can play together.... mine are 7 and 5 now, they play together all day . We even get lie ins!

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 18/03/2017 21:45

Don't underestimate the value slightly further on of having two who can play together.... mine are 7 and 5 now, they play together all day . We even get lie ins!

This is very true. Just make sure you show them their way around the remote/cable menu so you get a decent^ lie-in.

BackforGood · 18/03/2017 21:59

Depends on prsonalities / how well they sleep etc.
Also depends on how difficult you found 0 - 1

I was traumatised by 0 - 1, but found. 1 - 2. ( and the 2 - 3) a piece of cake.

Plus, you need to think not just of the next 2 - 3 years, but the next 20. There's a lot of advantages to having siblings.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

kitkat321 · 18/03/2017 22:14

Thanks all - good to get everyone's views. I can see the longer term benefits of two - at the moment I'm required to entertain my dd which is fine but tiring - having a sibling would possibly change that in time.

I think what also worries me is my own age and the increased risks involved at my age (including the risk of twins esp when there are twins in both mine an dh's families :0 )

OP posts:

Original poster

kitkat321 · 18/03/2017 22:15

Oh and I also have a history of miscarriage- to date I've had 4 pregnancies and have 1 dc so I'd have to prepare myself mentally for that prospect again. I said I was done after the last one.

OP posts:

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 18/03/2017 23:03

In my twenties, my Mum had a major health crisis. I can't tell you how comforting it was to rendevous with my sis and to go to the hospital together. That stuck with me when DH & I started talking about starting a family. I know not all sibs get on, but they can be with you far beyond childhood when the chips are down.

Ellieboolou27 · 20/03/2017 23:30

HARD!! I was 38 when I had dd2, dd1 was 3, found it incredibly hard and still do, had difficult pregnancies, a still birth and 2 mc before I had my first too, so know how your feeling.

I feel blessed that I have 2 healthy children, but I'm 40 this year and having 2 under 5 while working is a total killer, like I've seriously no time for me anymore, well I do, but I'm too worn out to do anything

Read 3 shoes, one sock and no hairbrush!

Ellieboolou27 · 20/03/2017 23:32

Oh and my mum is an identical twin! I think I'd have been sectioned if I'd have had twins, I'm in awe of mums with more than 2 kids and twins.

justonesherryformedicinalpurpo · 21/03/2017 16:25

18m difference with two DDs. The second is supposed to "fit in" which is utter bull and I am fool to have expected that anyway.

Going from 1 DC to 2 has given me many stressful days but tbh I do have a baby that demands SO much attention. I know they all do but I have noticed a big difference with second DD.

Littlest is 7m now and it is easier but as she still insists falling asleep on my boob and not much fancying the pushchair still it is still a struggle. But that is a personal situation so I am sure it may be easier depending on your baby!

I am still glad I made this decision and know it is best in the long run for us.

tinypop4 · 21/03/2017 17:20

I didn't find it double the work. I was already doing bath time, dinner time, playing on the floor so just had to slot ds in with this routine that we had for dd. She was 2.8 when he was born- she was toilet trained and in a proper bed so I only had one in nappies.
They are now 4 and 20 months and doing a jigsaw together while I drink tea and Mumsnet- the hard bits are worth it!

Primaryteach87 · 21/03/2017 17:25

I find it easier with two to be honest but that's probably just that lots 'went wrong' with my first so I've enjoyed the chance to 'redo' things. They are utterly delightful together, just hysterical to watch. I very almost didn't have another and am so glad I did.

ElspethFlashman · 21/03/2017 17:25

I found it much much harder than I thought. But I had a small gap, 2 under 2. So two babies really, eldest had no sense.

So very very hard to control a 2 yr old when buried under a baby all day. And very very hard to control a 2 yr old on no sleep. I felt nauseous with exhaustion the first 6 months tbh and did quite a bit of regretting it.

But seeing them together is amazing, seeing their relationship develop independently of me. And the comfort that they will always have someone who understands what their upbringing was like is immense. They may or may not get on as adults, but there will still be someone in the world who shares their memories.

n0ne · 21/03/2017 17:34

I'n currently 4 months into baking my second. DD1 is 4 and pretty self-sufficient in a lot of ways so I'm really hoping when the baby comes along she'll be more of a help than a hindrance! Maybe naively I'm imagining it'll be easier this time round due to knowing basically what I'm doing, not being so anxious about messing up and all the unwarranted, conflicting advice you get, and not being embarrassed anymore to bf in public. Oh, and being used to the lack of sleep, that's a big one! But I'm might be talking out of my arse - we'll see!

Ellieboolou27 · 21/03/2017 19:52

n0ne yy with regards to knowing what your doing etc, but...... don't be fooled by being used to lack of sleep good luck with your cooking

KavvLar · 21/03/2017 20:37

We have 3 and a half year gap here. I found first year with DD2 fine - she was very portable and I was on maternity leave when DD1 started school which was handy for the initial settling in. Also with the age gap I was able to do the same baby classes etc as I'd done with DD1.

Second year tougher as toddler tearing off everywhere so hard to find things they can both do safely, plus toddler having to fit around school run / drag DD2 to after school activities etc rather than lazy mornings and having time to let them take their time iyswim.

Now they are three and six and it's much easier. They find each other hilarious and are great friends. I don't subscribe to the notion that children need siblings necessarily, but for DD1 and her personality it has been the making of her having someone to share the focus of her parents attention.

I love it, and didn't find it more than twice as hard, Good luck whatever you do decide.

Ellieboolou27 · 21/03/2017 20:45

kav that sums it up perfectly! im halfway through year two so pleased to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel

ODog · 21/03/2017 20:48

I found it much less than double the work. I found pregnant with toddler much harder than toddler and newborn/baby. Baby in sling basically all the time and just get on with life as you would have with just DC1. Bf on demand. Feed together when weaning. Bath together. Bed together. Change nappies together where poss if both in nappies. Baby is entertained by toddler. Don't overthink it e.g. I should be doing x with DC1/2 or I need to spend certain 1:1 time with them ot worrying that DC2 is having a better/worse time of it than DC1. It's draining and mostly unnecessary.

StarUtopia · 21/03/2017 20:57

I think it depends how much external support you have. A lot of people who say they don't find it much harder (or find it easier etc) have their own mum and dad up the road, siblings, nieces/nephews etc all of whom play their part in easing the pressure.

I'm literally doing this on my own - and it's beyond hard work. We have a year between our two, and the oldest is now sleeping in til 8am. Every morning I am reminded I could have my life back my now if it wasn't for DS still waking up at 5am bright and breezy!

Both of DD's best friends are single children and my god, it's just so bloody easy at their houses. They also have extended families to help.

One day a week, I only have one child as the other is at nursery. It's my rest day. Literally. Put it that way !

Logistics are much much harder with two small ones. Often I have had to pay out for childcare to look after the pair of them for say hospital appointments - that if I had only one, I wouldn't.

Wouldn't change it for the world though!!!

Fortunatepiggy · 21/03/2017 20:57

I am in this position too OP . Ds 4 I'm 40 should I try or not... so undecided. Spend days thinking yes and the next no.!

FuzzyOwl · 21/03/2017 21:03

16.5 months between mine and DD2 is almost six months old. I love it. They are much easier than I expected and it is just a case of being organised.

As for twins, your DH's family won't be relevant. It is only if there is a genetic non-identical gene down the female side that could make you more predisposed, as it is all to do with you releasing more than one egg which your DH cannot influence; identical twins are not genetic so don't count.

KavvLar · 21/03/2017 21:04

Ellie yes! There's light at the end of the tunnel. I don't do toddler years awfully well but I'm ace with babies and then again once they are three ish.

KavvLar · 21/03/2017 21:09

Ps I have no help but I think the age gap made it more manageable than perhaps those with two close in age. Swings and roundabouts I think but Star is right. Available help and support , nature of DC, sleep patterns and age gap all come into it when you're looking at how easy / hard it might be.

Crunchyside · 21/03/2017 21:19

pjsgalore Your post made me really happy, I'm due my second in a couple of months, and we'll have a 3 year age gap, it's nice to hear some positive stories!

RoganJosh · 21/03/2017 21:23

Just to respond to your mention of twins, they can't pass down on your DH side.
I also think that indentical twins is just one of those things where an egg splits, it's just non identical that can be hereditary.

I think.

Southeastlondonmum · 21/03/2017 21:29

Two children here (2.3 years apart). My eldest was easyish baby (definitely had sleepless nights but she didn't did reasonable stretches at a time after the initial early days). Hit 2 and the WORST terrible twos ever. It was really hard especially when DD2 came along and was basically nocturnal for an entire year. (She has just started sleeping through aged 4!). It was v v dark times for 2 years. Then slowly got easily and now at 6 and 4 it is utterly lovely. They enjoy each other so much and they are actually a lot less work than one as they play so much together you can actually get on and do stuff. My friends with only children so it v intensive

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