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Original poster

Urgent 5 year old DD has been having a tantrum for 2 hours. Is demanding a cuddle. Should I give her one?

30 replies

Caligula · 05/03/2007 17:20

Since she came out of school, she's done nothing but roar. Had a tantrum at DS's school because she didn't want to go to the bookfair that was there, but he did, and so we went. Nothing but screaming since. Is now demanding a cuddle but I've told her I don't feel like cuddling her and I want her to calm down. TBH I feel like throwing things at her, not cuddling her. And she is saying "I won't calm down until you give me a cuddle."

Part of me thinks OK, she's 5 and she's worked herself into a tantrum, I should cuddle her to calm her down. The other part thinks, if I do, am I giving in to blackmail?

What's the consensus?

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TrinityRhino · 05/03/2007 17:22

hmm tricky one

I would think she was old enough to be able to be told that if she sits quietly for 5 mins then she can have a cuddle

fannyannie · 05/03/2007 17:22

tell her you'll give her a cuddle once she stops screaming. DS2 (who's 6 1/2) can go on for AGES (like all afternoon) sometimes - but he knows if he wants to 'cuddle and make-up' he has to at least stop making a noise first.

shimmy21 · 05/03/2007 17:23

what about - well mummy's feeling quite sad because you have been shouting at me so much. Would you like to say sorry for that first and then I would love to cuddle you?

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amynnixmum · 05/03/2007 17:23

Hmm tough one.

Is she often like this or is it unusual?

I think if she's strong willed in general I'd be inclined to stand my ground.

Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 17:28

She is very strong-willed and demanding and I've deliberately been helping DS with his homework and trying to ignore her screaming. Have paid her positive attention when she did as I said, like get changed out of her school uniform, which didn't get a good response - she threatened to undress again!

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Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 17:29

This is unusual, but that's partly because I realised today that I spend very little quality time doing stuff with DS alone. Because when I try to, she disrupts it. Hence new resolution to not allow her to control the way my time is distributed, and resulting tantrum.

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amynnixmum · 05/03/2007 17:32

Have you talked about your decision to spend 1:1 time with ds? If you have and she undertstands she will get her turn with you too then stick to your guns

Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 17:35

No haven't had time to talk about that yet - too busy dealing with tantrum.

She's now demanding that I say sorry to her.

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Mercy · 05/03/2007 17:37

Yes, cuddles are important even if it's just her way of diverting your attention from ds.

dd occasionally does this sort of thing; even though she's normally very articulate, she has emotional outbursts because I think she can't express her feelings in any other way at times. I have to remind myself every so often that it's hard work being a young child. There's so much going on in their world.

But I would also have a chat re her behaviour.

Good luck - hope you can kiss and make up!

Fauve · 05/03/2007 17:39

Give her a cuddle, Caligula - she's probably scared herself silly. You can talk about principles when she's calmed down.

I was a very tantrumy kid, and I was scared

amynnixmum · 05/03/2007 17:40

She sounds like my dd

If this is something you don't usually do its bound to unsettle her a bit (although it sounds as if the stropping started before your 1:1 with ds). When she has calmed down (maybe tomorrow if she's really like my dd) talk to her about her needing to let you spend time alone with ds and that she'll get to spend time alone with you too. With my ds it helps if I can tell hima time that an activity will stop if I am doing 1:1 with dd. If I don't tell him that it will be finished when the big hand reaches such and such a number he will bug us for the whole time but he's usually pretty good if he knows.

Blu · 05/03/2007 17:43

I agree with Fauve.

I think she's asking you to help her calm down - doesn't know how to do it herself, or is beyond it.

I feel like that myself sometimes and i'm old.

Explain about 1:1 time for each of them and principles later.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/03/2007 17:48

Ditto Fauve adn Blu.

I think they do scare themselves, and dont know how to calm down. If she really didnt want to do something, I can see that she would be annoyed by that an expect an apology , but, I think that is more due to mimicry of how you deal with things, more than anything else. (Not saying she is right, just seeing it from her perspective).

Give her a cuddle, and try and go over the issue a bit later on when she is very calm.

Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 17:48

LOL Blu. I feel like that too atm.

Have cuddled her and told her I'm not sorry. She's now calm.

Now DS has started.

What a friend we have in Jeeeee- sus, what a friend we have in him.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

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pinkchampagne · 05/03/2007 17:54

I agree that you should give her a cuddle to help her calm down.
I remember my mum once doing this with me as a child, after being advised by a child phsychiatrist (I was a nightmare child!) & it calmed me down instantly.
I think children do get themselves in such a state sometimes, that it becomes almost impossible for them to calm down.

pinkchampagne · 05/03/2007 17:56

X posted because of squabbling boys!
Glad your DD has calmed down. Now time to lock yourself in a dark room until DS stops!!

Blu · 05/03/2007 17:57

Everyone in a hysterical state needs a cuddle in order to relax enough to calm themselves down, iyswim.

Often as adults we call it pampering or a bar of chocolate or a glass of wine or someone offering a sympathetic ear to a thoroughly unreasonable rant!

Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 18:09

Yes. I suppose mumsnet is often the equivalent of a cuddle.

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Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 18:09

They are both eating.

No noise.

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foxinsocks · 05/03/2007 18:11

lol caligula (I'll have that song in my head all evening now!)

is she at full time school? I reckon they are just reaching peak knackereditis at the moment!

pinkchampagne · 05/03/2007 18:12

Absolutely! MN & wine help me out of my adult hysterics!!
Glad to hear all is now calm, Caligula.

JodieG1 · 05/03/2007 18:13

I would cuddle her

twentypence · 05/03/2007 18:14

Boring cuddles are good post tantrum. Just a nice tight hug, no talking no stroking.

Original poster

Caligula · 05/03/2007 18:14

Yes I think she is exhausted from school.

She spends all day behaving perfectly, is an exemplary child, desperately seeking approval from her teachers and fitting in (and being a leader) in her peer group and then comes home and lets rip!

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foxinsocks · 05/03/2007 18:16

yes, that's what mine does caligula

and as frustrating and annoying as it is, I guess I would rather he reserved his worst behaviour for me than school (gggggrrrr)

it's the effort of trying to be so good for school and negotiate the playground etc.

it's hard though when you have an older one though isn't it

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