Giving DD "the talk" as a dad

[CampDaddy]

DD is 7 nearly 8 and its getting to a point where we probably need to talk to her about sex and also about growing up and going through puberty.
DH and I (both males) aren't really sure how or where to start.
We always assumed that she would ask us and then we would just answer her questions as honestly as possible. But she has never asked.

She does know where babies come from, just not how they got there.
We are really worried about getting it wrong.

So I'm hoping you can maybe give us some tips on how to do it or what to do to make it comfortable for DD.

Pads - yes DD has seen mine so knows what they are, so that might be a nice idea. I wouldn't worry about tampons yet, that can come later on and are a bit tricky to explain at first, whereas pads make sense (a bit like a mini nappy my DD thought!)

Girls are usually brought together at school for a chat about periods I think in year 5 or 6 so age 9/10/11

My DD was sent home with lots of samples of pads and tampons which we put in her underwear drawer so that she could look at them and have them ready when the time came.

My son is 7 and hasn't asked any questions at all about babies or bodies so don't feel you're racing for time. It is good however to have books or a plan so that when the time comes you have everything you need.

I think that given her age a puberty book is essential by the way, as opposed to just a sex book. Some of her friends might well start puberty quite soon.

And agree that if you have any more, start much earlier! It's easy with tiny ones, you can just insert the information (with age-appropriate visual aids) and they just embed it somewhere without any awkwardness and then forget it ever happened.

Also be aware girls can start getting self conscious about their upper bodies at this age so can sometimes be more comfortable in a vest top when getting changed for PE etc. especially when they start developing. A good start are the the very simple cropped vest tops, not like bras at all.

I think it's great you're having the chat, I never had it with my parents from my memory and while I've had a normal adulthood, and have only had 1 sexual partner (my DH) I think it's good to know about the birds and the bees from somebody you love and trust. I got my period very early at 9, most girls get theirs around 11-13 but it can happen at any time.

My advise would be to have a cupboard with a door in your bathroom, fill it with things she can use such as different pads (I've always used... always with wings as they are the most reliable) and panty liners as her periods might be light and irregular at first. Give her a hot water bottle and access to pain killers as periods can be very painful. Give her confidence to approach you when it does happen and mark the occasion with a little treat for her. I remember my mum taking me to get my haircut and an ice cream.

👍

I think it's a fab idea to get her some pads, and as a PP said get a whole variety of them so she can figure out whether she likes wings or not, and try one on and stand anxiously with her back to the mirror peering over her shoulder to see if you can see them through her skirt (You never can, don't worry!) Since she (presumably) won't have grown up around them it's a good idea to help her become familiar with them.

I wouldn't bother with tampons yet - unless things have moved on a lot in the past 15 years, young girls find them very intimidating and don't tend to use them until they're well in the swing of things. If she asks for / about them then of course provide them for her to have around, but make sure she is aware that she needs to be very vigilant about not leaving them in for ages.

The hygiene point is also a very good one - they're not ideal, but maybe when she does start you could get her some of those FemFresh wipes to keep by the loo / in her schoolbag, to be sure she's on top of things. You can just let her know it's important to stay extra clean during her time of the month and shower every day, no need to say much more than that.

elektra makes a great point about crop tops. Make sure they're proper cotton ones.

Also (I'm sure this has occurred to you) the first thing you might need to "do about" puberty is provide deodorant for her. Some girls need to start using deodorant from about 9, before any other particularly "visible" signs of puberty.

Thank you for starting this thread. I've just ordered the Usborne book and will give it to my DD in the next couple of months as you're right, whilst I think it will be a while before her body starts to change, there's no harm in being ready. I also read some of the reviews and it covers things like dealing with feelings and friendships as well as the biological changes which will hopefully help her now.

Good luck CampDaddy - thanks again

Thank you so much for all the advice. I shall go and get some different types of pads in the morning so we have them here for her.
DD does have some of those cropped vests already because some of her friends had them so she wanted some as well.
Thank you for the tips about extra hygiene as well.

I have 3 daughters. Oldest 2 both started periods around 12.
Not wishing to sound preachy but I think a book about relationships, feelings, puberty and then gradually move on to the periods, sex etc. For you and your partner and for her.
My DH still struggles with the mood swings, quickness to tears etc from the hormonal ladies in the house.
My DD2 , when she was 11, came to me in tears asking why she felt so sad and grumpy at times. Be there with hugs and lots of chocolate!

My ds had a basic knowledge as he is quite inquisitive and I answered questions as he asked them but he had a 'growing up' talk at school about puberty and how babies are made, correct terminology and he was quite excited about everything he learnt. It turned out that despite our many (sometimes difficult) chats he still thought the baby was made via the bum and born via it. In a box of tampax it had a very handy diagram of the female anatomy so I showed him that and pointed out the different bits. There also followed a lot of questions after this talk.
So I would say just give some basics to your ds and see if she asks questions or comments on things she sees or hears over the next couple of weeks and then maybe have another chat to make sure she understands as I think sometimes things don't sink in first time round.
As far as tampax and pads go I think it's brilliant to get some, my ds had seen my pack on the side and was very concerned about how they worked, I got a milk bottle type of shaped thing I have, showed him that the opening was the baby business hole and explained about how a period happens then put the tampax in, took it out filled bottle with water and showed him how it expands and then pulled it out again. He was amazed something that size could go in that hole 😁. This then led on to other discussions.
He is also well versed in his anatomy and is currently confused about his testiculs , what to call them mainly 😊. It's difficult having these conversations and knowing whether you're going too far or not getting it right but for me it's very important he knows correctly, knows he can ask and has an understanding of his body. He has been looking for beard hairs for months as he had heard puberty could happen as young as seven to 18 and figured he was higher up the chain . I struggle with the male things sometimes although he proudly announced his sudden increase in morning erections but that also explained why the entire bathroom keeps getting sprayed with wee.

You could also have a look yourselves to research the normal sequence of body changes in female puberty, so you get some warning of when that happens.Most girls weigh about 45 kg when they start their periods, for example - puberty is often earlier now partly because girls often weigh that sooner. She is likely to need some sort of bra and may want some way of dealing with body hair before she actually starts her periods - although you are right to think about all this now, most girls start at 12/13 still, so there may be other changes you will need to help her with first. I don't think periods are usually the first issue to deal with, though obviously the most sudden for the unprepared! The other thing you should know is that the first period might be very light, just a smear of brownish blood. When I started mine, I didn't realise what it was because I was expecting lots of red stuff like in the diagram we'd had to colour in with red crayon at school. My mum had to tell me after finding my pants in the laundry. Other girls may have a lot of bleeding and pain with the first periods- in which case you will need ibuprofen, hot water bottles and reassurance.

My mum very sensibly bought two books, one on girls puberty and one on boys puberty for my girls, she figured they need to know about both!

Does she have a trusted aunt/older female friend who could be on hand to discuss the details of puberty etc? I'm sure you're both fantastic but it is helpful to be able to talk through these things with someone else who has experienced them first hand.

There is a book by an Australian author, I can't remember her name, I think she is either an ex teacher or midwife.

I think it came out last year and I keep meaning to get it for my 6yr old son because it looks really good.

It might be called The amazing true story of how babies are made.

good idea to get some pads- an even better idea (and a courtesy to any reproductive age women who visit your home)- would be to have them OUT in the bathroom, eg in a little basket on a shelf, and also you need a bin- small pedal bin for disposal- neither pads nor tampons should be flushed!!
This would be another way into the conversation, she will prob ask what/why they are there- and good for her to make the connection that this is something the women she is familiar with take in their stride.
Please don't go overboard with the need for special wipes or extra washing- a daily shower should be plenty, she doesn't need to be made to feel smelly. Same goes for shaving- it's not an inevitable feature of womanhood.

I have 3 dd's and the oldest 2 like the Lil-Let pads, you can buy a teen starter pack, they come in a cute bag they can put in their school bag, they only wear pads so i never bothered with the tampons, the oldest one knows mine are there if she wants them but hasn't bothered

also what Shall says, mine have always been in full view and DD3-7 has always seen them and knows what they are for, just leave some in the bathroom and she can ask what they are for etc

www.boots.com/en/Lil-Lets-teens-Starter-Pack_1250611/

Lil-let starter pack from boots

I think one of the things that is often missed is actually teaching about pleasure, consent and good healthy boundaries.

The biologically basics will be drummed into them regularly for years to come. But ideas like it should be pleasurable for both, if you're not sure if you are enjoying it you probably aren't and how to say know even if the pressure both internally and externally is on aren't covered anywhere near enough or young enough. I saw one school teaching the police's cup of tea video to year 9s! way too late as far as I'm concerned.

Campdaddy - you should like amazing dads and incredibly thoughtful/proactive to reach out here and probably already have thought of this but does your DD have a godmother (or non religious equivalent, close female friend, auntie etc) who she could talk about this stuff with just incase she has anything she finds really tricky/embarrassing? It might be good if you invited that person round soon after you bring this stuff up (and prepped them!) so they could see if your DD has anything else to ask or even show. Or to say even if she doesn't need to ask now, that they're always available. Something like putting your first tampon in is really hard and with the greatest of respect, only a lady can really describe how it should feel (push up and back gently, you shouldn't feel it when it's in the right place). It's early days but just thought I'd suggest it for when the time comes. Good luck!

I absolutely agree with PPs that its never too early to start learning about consent, peer pressure, how people feel ready for different things at different times and that's all OK. I also that the Lil-Lets starter pack looks fab - as soon as I learned about periods I was desperate to have a look at all the associated paraphernalia! It will be nice for her to have a little supply, too, so she can sort herself out as and when the time comes.

Most girls do start with pads, but I personally loathed them and moved on to tampons as soon as I could persuade my (slightly old fashioned) mum to get them for me.

I was going to say the same as geeup What your proposing is great but there is a whole realm of personal care stuff that is ideally discussed with someone who's experienced it (no offense and I am making assumptions about some of it).

Having said which, dh and I had to teach foreskin care and cleaning to our two without a single foreskin bw us and we managed.

Barbarianmum lol about the foreskins - well done!