I think my partner is a rubbish dad!

[Chlandy]

Hi can I have a PPP. My hearts breaking and I don't know what to do, I've been with my OH for 2 and a half years, lived together for 2 and had our first son in November, he's 8 weeks old tomorrow. Before we had our son our relationship was great, but since having him I can't help but resent him and fantasise about kicking him out! He's just a really shit dad and the least supportive partner I could've had, he hasn't done a single night feed since he's been born, yes he works Monday-Friday 9-5, but he still hasn't done any on a weekend or the whole time he's been off for Xmas.... He doesn't even give excuses just won't do them! He rarely feeds him during the day either and has changed about 5 nappies in total... He never holds him or looks after him in the day, will only hold him if I ask him to for 5 mins whilst I do a job like putting the washing on, but even then majority of the time I end up having to do stuff with my baby in the carrier (I have a very clingy baby who will not be put down to sleep, it's either sleep whilst being held or with me!) I do love him and as a couple we're fine, still have a great sex life etc but with our son he's just rubbish and only wants to claim the good times... Acts father of the year in front of others! I've tried talking to him but he has a temper and I've even tried talking to his dad and sister but nothing's improving I feel like just ending it as I've felt a single parent since the day our son was born anyway I'm just so scared to throw my relationship away as I do love him. I don't know what I'm asking, I just won't talk to my family and friends as they all rate him so highly and if I speak to them now but stay with him it'll make those relationships difficult in future 😞 I just didn't expect it to be like this at all 😞

Having a baby is the hardest thing you'll ever do in my experience. Wonderful but very hard. 8 weeks is still very early days, I'm surprised you say you still have a good sex life, I couldn't have contemplated sex at 8 weeks so that's great that you can. Is it really just about resenting the fact he doesn't help as much as he could with the baby or is there something else? I know you say your relationship is great otherwise but as I said before, 8 weeks is not long to be considering leaving him already. You will still be hormonal and finding these early days hard is completely normal. You said you talked to his family about it but have you talked to him? Really sat down and told him how you really would appreciate more help. Maybe he just doesn't know how to, I think men are sometimes a bit scared of babies...even their own! My DH will take the kids out for a walk and have the baby if I ask him but he doesn't always step in, sometimes they need telling. Both mine have been BF so no help with feeds either, we did try expressing but it turned out to be more faffing around so soon gave up with it.
I think talking to your DH about it and accepting that newborns are bloody hard work, especially when they won't be put down! DD1 was like this so I understand how tiring and draining it is. I will say though that if he never helps at home but pretends he's father of the year when others are there is VERY annoying! I snapped at DH in early days for this too!

. The early days with a baby are so tough, especially when you don't get the support you need.

When you say he has a temper, what do you mean? Has he hurt you? Might he? If so I think you need to get out.

Was he excited before the birth? Did he pull his weight around the house?

Has he bonded with baby at all?

Sorry just read your post again and seen that you have tried talking to him about it. Agree with PP, does his temper concern you? Are you worried for your safety?

Yeah I've tried talking to him, he just gets defensive and says he can't he arsed listening to me and I'm pissing him off.... I've even gone to my mums for a night, wrote him a letter saying it all for when he got home from work and I got him some beers in and ordered him a takeout as I knew it must be hard for him too, he called me that night and said all the right things but then nothing changed. When baby was very first born he was so hands on and in love, but when baby changed from sleeping in Moses basket and wanted to be helped, before we got next2me crib nights especially were really hard and he would say things like baby was pissing him off and no other babies like him so that caused issues... Baby doesn't even cry much now yes he likes to be held and day time naps are a struggle to put him down to sleep, but he'll have some time in his swing and sometimes will nap in there and on a night hell sleep in his next2me and only wake up once for bottle then wake up early, yes sometimes nights he's fussy and will want to co-sleep with me, but definitely more good nights than fussy nights and he's only 8 weeks old so I think that's good going.... Regarding his temper he would never hit me or physically hurt me, but he shouts a lot and swears and will occasionally slam doors and maybe throw something depending how mad he is, but I don't believe he would ever hurt me or baby I don't fear that I just can't deal with the shouting and temper in general I don't want my baby to hear it

Your baby sounds more settled than mine and she's 8 months! Sounds as if you're doing amazingly well. The way you're feeling is completely understandable. I would say as long as you don't feel scared or in danger then give him a little more time but don't put up with it if it's getting you down. Trouble is, once you've lost respect for someone (which it sounds as if you are understandably doing) then it's hard to get it back. I think respect in a relationship is everything. Maybe ask him to go to his parents for a week or two and see how you feel, if you're happier without him, there's your answer. you're doing brilliantly.

If it helps my partner is rubbish with babies and a literal life saver with toddlers.

8 weeks is insanely early you sound really worked up.

Yes but forwhom, by rubbish do you mean shouts and throws things? That would really worry me.

Maybe you are seeing him for who he really is, rather than who he is when he's all loved up with you.

I can understand a man lacking confidence in handling a baby, or even not being very interested in a baby, but refusing to give a baby a bottle or change a nappy is pretty crap. Even if his interest is in you not the baby, he should be doing it to support you.

I'd ask him what he really wants.

Hang on in there. Being a new parent is terrifying and exhausting. Admitting that is the last thing a husband wants to do for fear of being found short on support. Pethaps he wasnt raised around or socialised around family babies, maybe he's genuinely terrified of that overwhelming responsibility and cannot express it. Perhaps he has set himself an impossible target of being a great father without much of a role model and hates the fact he cant live up to it ?and FWIW the only physical fight I ever had with my hubby was shortly after dd was born..we were both exhausted and scared and not communicating as a result. Our children are teens now and we are still together. You are still in the learning phase of your relationship too as well as being new parents..we had fertility issues meaning it took 7 years for our family to arrive..we'd had time to work out how our marriage worked and the kinks in it untangled before we had a family...you havent.
Be forgiving of each other..ask for help together and you can both grow together..keep talking. Find out more...and good luck. Fatherhood is a skill to be grown and nurtured...it doesnt always come naturally.

I agree, it's still early days.

Keep passing the baby to him.
Get him to massage the baby with a bit of baby oil.
Get him to take the baby out in the buggy so you can have some time to yourself.

Does he do his fair share of chores?

Sweetie, shouting and swearing, banging doors etc is abusive. Hell of a way to shut down debate, bet you don't relax fully and you're careful with words in case it angers him.

That is not an environment to bring a kid up in. Having a baby is difficult for men and women, women don't have some insight into caring for a kid but they tend to get stuck in and have a go.

The temper isn't good and will probably escalate.

...and praise and encouragement..even for the smallest bit of help..even if you have to ask for it..will work wonders for his self esteem and desire to be 'a better dad'.. and let him hear you tell other people about his parenting successes..men are wired differently to women and ego is a fragile thing with huge impact. Good luck.

He's not another child, he's a man. Op has enough on her hands with her real actual baby without appeasing this manchild.

Well there's your problem. He says babies don't like him. Has he got the impression he's a bad dad from you? Maybe he's feeling shit and doesn't know how to be a good dad. Instead of negatively reinforcing his ideas try to encourage daddy time. Refer to him as daddy when the baby is nearby.

Oh, baby loves his daddy.
He's such a daddy's boy.
Baby loves it when you cuddle him daddy.
Go to daddy for a bottle, he can get you to feed just right.
Wow that was a big burp for daddy.
Aww are you smiling for daddy.

These types of comments will make him see what a good job he's doing and encourage more. And with language like this he will try to reciprocate back to you.

You're doing an amazing job mum, hold on and take your time. It's new for both of you. X

Honestly, you sound like you are doing just fine with a newborn. Mine was clingy too, and I remember how exhausting it was. Do get the baby checked for reflux, as an aside, as it was the reason mine hated being put down on his back.

As for your partner..the fact that you find it hard to broach this with him as he" has a temper" is very worrying. Nobody should be shouting and throwing things around a baby, or around the woman who has recently given birth to their child.
I'm also surprised your sex life is good at this point. Its fine if that's what you want, but I would be concerned if you were having sex to placate him, or make life easier. This time really is all about you and the baby, and he should be doing what he can to make things easier for you.
I'm not sure it matters at this stage too much if he is not that hands on, as that can come later, but he should be cherishing you.

One of the most dangerous time for women is when they have just had a baby, it's when dv can escalate. Mouse I am sure it's not op's fault that her h is an angry young man. He shouts, tells op she pisses him off, tells her the baby pisses him off, slams doors and throws things. This is a dangerous man who knows exactly what he is doing. I don't think praising and appeasing him are the way to go, he has probably had that all his life.

Do you own your house op or is it shared? Maybe get him to ship out and give you some space with your child free from his temper.

So he's not just a terrible father, he's a terrible partner. He flies off the handle and throws stuff about whenever he's asked to behave like a reasonable responsible adult and you're tiptoeing around him, treating him to takeaways etc and generally bending over backwards trying to appease him, constantly in fear of his response.

Oh no sorry didn't mean no other babies like him, I meant he says there are no other babies like our baby (a baby that cries) I do think it's been a shock to his system how hard it is, and I have reassured him I praise him for everything and yeah I probably do only say good things rather than bad because of his temper and I'm not a confrontational person... I get its early days but I probably find it harder than most to understand as my dad raised me on his own when my mum left when I was only weeks old, I've tried going out to shop for example and he won't let me he literally puts his coat on and runs out so I can't leave baby with him, all he wants to do is go to work, come home have his tea and play on PlayStation. I do need to give him credit regarding cleaning, he does like cleaning and gets stuck in with cleaning chores on a weekend, but then he just wants to play on PlayStation. I am worked up tho, I think as much as I love my son I'm jealous and resentful he still gets so much time to do his own thing and to sleep in etc where as I can't even get a shower without asking him if he'll watch him in his swing for 5 mins and even then if he starts crying he'll bring him up to me before I've even had chance to dry my hair! I'll keep going though, thank you for advice I'm willing to try anything to save my relationship and family X

Also agree the yelling and door slamming are bad.

I'm guilty of yelling and door slamming (not anymore).

I don't think I'm abusive just immature.

Ok my partner was nothing like that - he would give me a lie in (bring baby to me for breastfeeding then take baby away to settle) I never had to ask to take a shower etc and when he was home he used to watch tv while rocking a baby or playing with a toddler.

Sounds like your partner isn't quite realising how much he needs to do. I'm cutting him slack cause it's so early and such a shock to the system.

However you need to be able to function and he isn't helping

Yes he does have mild reflux but that's improved massively over past couple of weeks too X

Op, you said you went to your mums before, could you go now, have a break and a bit of support? This man is dangerous, please don't minimise his behaviour. You already change your behaviour as he gets angry. The fact that he has said your baby is unlike other babies is horrible, really nasty actually.

You need rest and support and freedom from a bad tempered aggressive man.

Also Chlandy, delete your browsing history and make sure you don't stay signed into this site on any device, you may be needing the support.

Oh sweet Jesus the amount of people on this thread saying 'aw just give him time'
'It's hard at the start with a newborn'
Yes..and?
It's hard for both parents and yet they both have to act like parents! Why does he get cut any slack because he's the poor man who babies don't like?
No..fuck that. He needs a kick in the arse.
The op just didn't decide she wasn't gonna be arsed getting up at night or change the nappies or hold her child because she's a parent and so is he!
If you feel you can't talk to him and he's got a temper then what are you doing with him? He sounds shit.

Chlandy, sorry to be nosy, but you said the sex is great... Do you still fancy it at the moment? I really didn't with such a young baby, and if your LO has been unsettled at night I'm surprised you feel relaxed and rested enough.
He's getting a pretty good deal at the moment I think, even if he is cleaning. You are still recovering from the pregnancy and birth, and doing all the care for the baby.

You sound as though you are doing really well and are a lovely mum! It's not ok for him to be like this, though.

Shocked and saddened that so many posters are telling the op to stick in because this stage is "hard for men". The ops partner is abusive and refuses to do anything at all for their child. Honestly op I wouldn't be leaving my small baby alone with a man who says he's "pissing him off" and is not "like other babies" especially a man with a temper