I think my partner is a rubbish dad!

[Chlandy]

Hi can I have a PPP. My hearts breaking and I don't know what to do, I've been with my OH for 2 and a half years, lived together for 2 and had our first son in November, he's 8 weeks old tomorrow. Before we had our son our relationship was great, but since having him I can't help but resent him and fantasise about kicking him out! He's just a really shit dad and the least supportive partner I could've had, he hasn't done a single night feed since he's been born, yes he works Monday-Friday 9-5, but he still hasn't done any on a weekend or the whole time he's been off for Xmas.... He doesn't even give excuses just won't do them! He rarely feeds him during the day either and has changed about 5 nappies in total... He never holds him or looks after him in the day, will only hold him if I ask him to for 5 mins whilst I do a job like putting the washing on, but even then majority of the time I end up having to do stuff with my baby in the carrier (I have a very clingy baby who will not be put down to sleep, it's either sleep whilst being held or with me!) I do love him and as a couple we're fine, still have a great sex life etc but with our son he's just rubbish and only wants to claim the good times... Acts father of the year in front of others! I've tried talking to him but he has a temper and I've even tried talking to his dad and sister but nothing's improving I feel like just ending it as I've felt a single parent since the day our son was born anyway I'm just so scared to throw my relationship away as I do love him. I don't know what I'm asking, I just won't talk to my family and friends as they all rate him so highly and if I speak to them now but stay with him it'll make those relationships difficult in future 😞 I just didn't expect it to be like this at all 😞

He needs a kick in the arse.
The op just didn't decide she wasn't gonna be arsed getting up at night or change the nappies or hold her child because she's a parent and so is he!
If you feel you can't talk to him and he's got a temper then what are you doing with him? He sounds shit.

This!! These few sentences sum it up perfectly.

First of all you sound like a lovely caring mum and you're doing a great job managing everything yourself!

But you need to stop bending over backwards for this guy! You quite rightly take off for a night to give him time to think things over but get him beers and a takeaway. And you justify his laziness by the fact he works 9-5 Mon-Fri. Admittedly I don't know what his job is but those hours are not really taxing. Many people work much longer hours or or do two jobs or shift work or on call and still get stuff done. I bet you wish you could look after the baby from 9-5 and then put your feet up!

I know you're all right regarding his temper, but I do know it is just verbal and how he vents his frustration, I'm not scared of him or think he would ever hurt us, but by saying this I'm not justifying his temper either I know he needs to grow up and deal with things like an adult having a conversation, I've spoke to his dad about this and he's tried to have a word but it hasn't worked as of yet. I got him the beers and takeaway as to begin with I did think maybe it was he was feeling left out (again not justified) because all my time and attention was now on our son and I knew how hard it was for me, but never thought how hard it must be for him too so I wrote him the letter with how I was feeling and how he needed to step up, but I didn't want it to be an attack at that point so put some negatives in the letter about myself for example I need to accept help more from others (eg my mum wanted to have him for a few hours and I only let this happen for the first time last week) and got him the treats just to make sure we both enjoyed our night apart and to start a fresh kinda thing when j came back, like I said he rung me in tears and completely said all the right things but then once I came back nothing changed and again I just thought he can't handle being a dad. I know he has potential to be a good dad and I know he loves him and he loves me, but how he handles himself and his frustrations are what's wrong and that is why sadly I would never leave my son with him at the moment, i just don't know how I can get him to step up, I've tried reassuring him he can do it and our son loves him but he just seems to have no patience to do it all. Sorry for the long post and thank you for all your comments and advice, it's nice to get things off my chest sometimes. I will never let any harm come to my son and I will never let my son be in a shouting environment or hear the things he says even at this age, when he gets mad I take my son upstairs out of the way or I take him out, I really don't want to give up on us yet but I understand all your concerns and see completely where you're all coming from :( xx

Sorry also regarding the sex life, yeah I was ready to start having sex again not long after so once I got all clear by midwife and started contraception we started again, it's usually instigated by him I must admit, but I wouldn't ever do it if I didn't want to and by good sex life I probably mean more we're still active and intimate it's more of a case as and when we can and usually quite quick sorry for TMI haha, but just trying to get point across it isn't like we don't have time for each other anymore as I'd understand his behaviours more then, but we do still have time (albeit not a lot!) for each other, cuddles etc X

Chlandy, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It must be so hard and sad for you.

You say that you're not scared of his temper, and obviously that's good to hear. But his temper is still clearly having a bad effect on your relationship. You say it stops you confronting him and saying anything bad about his behaviour, which really isn't healthy. And even if you're not scared of it, your son definitely will be as he gets older - adults throwing things and shouting is really, really scary for children.

You have absolutely bent over backwards to accommodate him in every way possible, to be understanding to him when most people would have been absolutely furious with him by now. And yet he's still not stepping up. You can't make him do that - he has to want to.

Honestly, I'm sure he has lots of lovely qualities that are the reason you love him, but from this it sounds like he's jealous because of your time and attention going to the baby. He doesn't want his life to change, and he doesn't want to not be the main centre focus of your life any more, so he's acting out. That is not how a good dad behaves - it's not how a good partner behaves.

I know you said you don't want to talk to your friends and family about this because it'll make things awkward if he comes round, but I really, really think you should. Even just one person you really trust. It is not your job to make sure everyone thinks he's a great bloke, and you need someone to talk to - that's more important! If he comes round and starts behaving better, then they'll see that as you do and they'll realise he can change and be better.

Also, consider asking Mumsnet to move this thread to Relationships. There are a lot of very wise people on there who can give you practical advice about how to deal with this.

Ok Chandly, as long as that is what you want. It sounds as though you have done all you can, you are just waiting to see how he shapes up. Good luck!

My concern here is how this man will react when the terrible twos happen (ie baby turns into a little boy with a generous helping of his own will but not the reasonableness to match) or grows into a cocky 7 year old or a defiant 12 year old... by which point he will probably be able to emulate his dad quite well.

I will never let my son be in a shouting environment or hear the things he says even at this age, when he gets mad I take my son upstairs out of the way or I take him out

This is absolutely not possible. You're having to take ds out of the house at 8 weeks old because of his shouting/temper? It won't be long before ds becomes very aware of what is going on. It is absolutely impossible to keep a child oblivious to this- even the atmosphere in the house- and it is a horrible environment to grow up in.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through op but I don't think this sounds good. You are obviously not willing to leave him yet but please don't normalise his behaviour. I think he knows you're not prepared to read him the riot act and he's taking full advantage of that.

Been reading your updates and I would agree with everything 53rdandbird said.
Sounds like you're having to tiptoe around his childish behaviour. I have to say you have the patience of a saint and he is very lucky to have you. Your feelings are completely justified, you are managing 2 babies at the moment! He needs to step up or go back to his parents if he wants to behave like a child.

After reading all your advice and comments it was a bit of a wake up call. Yesterday when he got home from work and we had tea etc he had our son whilst I went for a shower, after I came down I asked if we could talk and went to tell him how I feel and I need more help etc... Anyway he told me he didn't want to talk, said some hurtful things like he didn't want to feed him cos it's boring and he doesn't want to be a dad... Heartbroken. I asked him to leave and he wouldn't so I called his dad, told him everything and he said he was ringing my partner, my partner had gone to bed at this point and wouldn't answer his phone. Asked me why his dad was ringing him so told him id told his dad everything, his face dropped and he broke down into tears, confessed he just says stuff he doesn't mean to piss me off or hurt me as a defence mechanism but he wouldn't talk to his dad. His dad came round, I let him in, him and his dad spoke for a good few hours and a lot of tears, my OH has admitted he's finding it difficult and feels like a rubbish dad so just doesn't bother as has given up if you like, once we knew why he was like this me and his family are going to support him and most important his family are supporting him to support me... My OH is going to have our son by himself for a few hours at the weekend but with his dad here to support him as well. I'm hoping things will change now, as I do love him and believe me he has many good qualities too and I don't want to break our family up. However, if they don't I will walk away knowing I tried my best. Thank you everyone for taking time to read this and offering your words of advice and support... And on another positive my son slept through for the first time last night :)
Happy mummy X

Well done Chandry that sounds promising. I'm pleased that his family are stepping up, that should help him and then of course you.

Hi Chlandy I posted in the relationship section a few days ago, as I'm having problems with my boyfriends relationship with our daughter. His problems are somewhat different to your oh, but I was given some advice that some dad's can struggle to bond at first, and some tips on how to help him do so. We don't live together, but he's agreed similar to your oh to have dd with his mum at first,without me there and he's going to start taking her out for walks alone and even to swimming! In my case he needs to address some other issues too, but I'm hoping him taking more responsibility and having dd alone might help him!
If you google dad's bonding there's some good ideas and maybe him reading that other dad's struggle might help him!
Him losing his temper isn't right though and that's something he needs to be willing to deal with! I'm sure we are only just on the journey to the challenges of being a parent and he can't deal with it all, by getting angry.

Good luck chlandy and well done for being so supportive of him. I really hope you and your family can work through this. You're doing all the right things by him so he's very lucky to have such an understanding and supportive partner.

It sounds like he hasn't bonded with the baby yet which might be because he's frightened or struggles to (I know a husband like this - cleans/very domestic but no childcare and he has aspergers).

I think bonding/being less scared/gaining confidence can take a while for a partner. Sometimes a year. What were his parents like? Do any of his friends have babies? I know your expectations will be high because your dad was your carer.

Ersonally if you've tried talking to his mother/sister, your next step is having a heart to heart with one or two if his friends that you both trust.
I would come at it from a caring angle. Your worried he's not bonding as he doesn't want to be with baby or hold the baby. Your desperate for them to get on. Wouldn't normally talk but you are so worried.

Lastly though. It's bonkers that you left for a night away yet called him a pizza and got beers in. Back to front thinking.

That's such a massive step forward. Becoming a parent is such a huge scary step. Also wanted to add that Dads can have PND too but it's never talked about.

Please make sure you have people in your life to be supportive of you as well. You're going through a tough and upsetting situation. It's good his family are planning to support him to support you, but one of the things you're going to need support with is your feelings around him - how you feel about how he's handled/handling this, how you're coping with trying to pour in extra energy to support him when you're running on very little yourself. You need to be able to talk honestly about that.

Sorry to bring up an old thread but this popped up on google when I was searching for some help with a similar husband! My baby is 5 months old. Husband really does nothing with her! Won’t change baby’s nappy, won’t take her on his own, wont get up in the morning with her, wont bath her, put her to bed, take her for a walk.... literally doesnt bother! He will hold her in the morning when he gets up (usually a couple of hours after us) for a couple of minutes then hands her straight back.. he sounds very like the man in this post in other ways too.. so really I’m wondering did things work out? Kind of clinging onto a chance that things might be ok. Doesn’t feel like it will be though.. thanks x