Remember believing you could have a life and a baby?

[CookingCabbage]

Just chat really.
My pregnant friend recenty asked me what it is REALLY like having kids (I have two). So I told her the truth about how I have no 'me' time whatsoever as 1yr old does not nap, or go to bed until 9pm. I am always with children/child as no help from relatives. At weekends I get a few hours if my DH takes them, but that's usually spent catching up on chores.

Then I saw the look on her face. She told me I was scaring her and said: "Well as long as I get to work from home, that's the important thing". I think I involuntarily laughed/scoffed before pulling my face back into a serious expression (because she was defo very serious about this). I back-tracked and said it would be OK for her, because "remember I have two kids, which is harder".

Inside I am remembering how demanding a baby is and wondering whether she will realistically be able to continue her quite demanding home-working position, whilst also looking after a child at home. I did not want to be the person being negative at a time when she is excited and positive about being a work-at-home-mum.

I can also remember completely under-estimating how time consuming raising children would be. I feel as if my life has sort-of been put on hold. If anyone has worked out how to 'keep themselves going' whilst having two kids and no help, any advice would be appreciated!

Yes self employed. Hardly sweat shop though. Children off school last week, example from Friday, I worked 5am-9am ( earlier means kids still asleep and I can catch up with different time zone), 9-2pm we went out and did stuff. 2-5pm kids occupied themselves whilst I worked. 5-9pm we went out to winter wonderland. So that's 7hrs work, plenty of time to have fun with kids and not be sweat shop style. Dh did similar day before

I think you're projecting. It's entirely possible to have children AND a life. I manage it, countless other women manage it. Why on earth doesn't your DH help out more, either with the chore or the kids?

Also, are you assuming she'll be working from home while looking after her child or has she told you? She might decide to use childcare.

I couldn't work from home with my baby present as I'm required to be online from 9-5 and, apart from his naps, he requires constant attention during that time period.

I have 4 children and I'm a single parent.

I have a life even when they are with me. The women I see who don't have a life tend to martyr themselves on the fire of womanhood. Doing everything for the children, changing all the nappies, cooking all the food.

Men are as capable of raising children as we are. If they can hold down a job they can cook a meal, change a nappy, take the kids out and a million other things.

I think there is a huge problem that women seem to do all of this stuff and then complain that they are doing it all on their own. But I don't know if they actually want help.

and yes I agree with the above. A women who lives with her partner should have adequate free time as partner shoudlnbe doing 50% childcare. I understand some parents don't work and stay at home with children so they will presumably be with children more, but the evenings and mornings and nights and weekends or whatever when both parents aren't working should be evenly split so both parents get time away alone and together from children if they want.

You sound patronising and it sounds like your partner doesn't pull his weight.

When I was pregnant, the most irritating thing was people like OP and some PP desperately projecting their own woes in some faux-jolly patronising tone.

If it makes you feel better, do it behind her back (like on here) but doom-mongering to pregnant women is a bit pathetic. By all means, gently give advice or even better wait until it seems needed then offer a hand or an ear.

My organisation does not allow you to work from home when you're in charge of dependants at the same time because you cannot work.

And Art, you've hinted that younand your DH took it in turns. You make it sound like your toddlers were happily pottering around for 7 hours straight while you worked and gave them minimal attention. I don't believe that for a second.

There are some truly Perfect Parents on this thread. Those of us who thought they had difficult babies apparently were either wrong or doing it wrong. When I thought I was doing well to empty the dishwasher and throw on a load of laundry when DD was a non sleeping, unputdownable baby apparently I should have had her asleep in the cot and been running a business from my laptop If the pregnant friend didn't want a true account of the OP's experience she shouldn't have asked.

Got to agree with plimsolls. Though as I was told how much harder it would be having my own children compared to working with them, I was pleasantly surprised by an easy going baby.
Though no. 2 is making up for it and making me work for my money.

Hmmm, well I managed to have a child and a life, I went back to work when she was three months and had child care when I was out of the house, when working from home I had her.

Believe - no Dh I took working from home in turns ie Monday at home, Tuesday in office. When at home children did occupy themselves a few hours. I didn't say 7hrs alone. Mine slept 9pm-9am generally, plus two hour nap. So 6-9am plus 2 hr nap was 5hrs a day easily covered. The rest would be an hour whilst they occupied themselves in morning, another hour later in day.(7hrs) Then any additional once opposite parent home. As we did half at home we could always do the long calls etc justwhen they slept or on that days in office.

Gosh OP, you sound like a bit of a martyr and what's this "if" your DH takes the kids for a few hours? It should be a when not an if! I'm sure he works very hard at his job but if you're at home with the kids all day then that's hard work too and you deserve a break.

GArden - mine didn't nap in cot when tiny. They would just be napping on us on of sofa nearby

garden

It's all swings and roundabouts. My ds happily goes to sleep on his own in his cot for 2 hours at a time.

However do you know what this means? It means we always have to be home for naptime because he won't sleep anywhere else. A friend of mine has a baby the same age who will only sleep in the sling or buggy and she's very jealous of me. But I'm jealous of her. On Saturday we went to a carol concert and her DD slept the whole time in the sling, through all that noise. Hell would freeze over before my ds did that - we had to leave early to take him home for his nap.

Anyway what I'm saying is people are so shortsighted they don't stop to think what they did wouldn't necessarily work for everyone because all adults and babies are different.

I'm another one that thinks you can have a baby and a life.
As really little babies, both of mine have just come along with me: to pubs, to conferences, in a carrier for election/referendum canvassing, on a work trip to the House of Commons. Everywhere!
When they get to crawling and walking, they're not so happy to just tag along. They need some children centred stuff, fair enough. But that doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable for me. As Ds wisely said recently about toddler group: "I can see the big boys, you can see the mummies and (sister) can see the babies" You find ways to meet everyone's needs- ideally including your own.
And I'm a firm believer that not everything a child does needs to be child centred. Both of mine know how to behave in shops and cafes and pubs. Both are happy to crash in the coat room at a house party. We parent like it's still the 1970's in our house!

As one of the daft pregnant women planning to keep my business going and have done social life once the baby arrives I am very grateful to hear from some of you that it can be done.

Oh it can 2 children and a business, gave up on no 3, you just need a pefect dp, endless energy, an was baby, a cleaner and no social life! I was constantly exhausted and the baby spent the first year of his life in a pram in the shop every day! Saturdays when I left him with dh were my time, I looked forward to it all week and I was at work!!!
Bloody knackering!!!!

I work from home 1 day a week and a bit more. Children at childcare and school. No way you can work from home with no childcare. Even with the best behaving children in the world. Unless they are much older! And mine goes to bed reliably every night at 7-8pm. And sleep through the nights. And was in cots etc etc. And I binged watched Netflix on maternity leave. It was that easy. Now they were 2 and 5 and are entertaining themselves while I do mumsnet.

I think ypu misunderstand what being self employed (with children) involves Wolverbamptonwanderer.

I have four children and began building my website and business on maternity leave with #2 ten years ago. It now pays me what a 0.4fte teaching job would pay me. That would involve about 30h a week out the house or working. I currently work about 15-20h a week, so I have no need to be an employee again.

Youngest is 2 years old. The total time I am able to invest in the business currently is about 2 or 3 hours a day - done while toddler sleeps in the afternoon mostly.

The whole point of being self employed is that you can work the hours you want to work and can grow the pace of the business based on your work/life balance needs.

It can be done, but depends on the baby, how much help you get from family, how pro-active your DP is, etc. I got fuck all done with DS1, as he was a colicky nightmare, wouldn't sleep lying flat, wouldn't nap in his pushchair when we were out and about, was a crap sleeper (health issues). Both me and DH were massively sleep deprived and barely functional, but nobody would help out and watch DS for a few hours or overnight because he was such hard work.

DS2 was a dream baby. Just fed and slept. Would sleep anywhere, so if I'd had him first I could have done all sorts. However, as a toddler he's been a nightmare!

I guess my point is, you don't know how things will change until the baby is here. You can plan for all sorts, but it may all go out the window depending on the needs of your baby.

I don't misunderstand it at all it's not common to be self employed and earn a wage on 2 hours a day.

gardencentre I'm with you, but then I have 3 under 3. I'm due back at work shortly and I have no idea how I'm going to cope. I have no life, I rarely go out I get no housework done when kids are awake. Thank God they sleep or I'd be demented.
Slow clap to the rest of you. Some people struggle and have refluxy babies and babies that don't sleep or babies that will scream with any one but their mother. If the pg friend didn't want to hear what it could be link she shouldn't have asked.
I only wish people had been honest with me, then again the lady I know with twins (money are 9months) said it would be a nightmare, she was right it is, but there are so many lovely times and things as well.

Ifound it v difficult after having my first ( new area, husband long random shifts,no help not a lot of money).

I really really appreciated friends with older kids saying they'd found it hard and that it was okay to sit and watch TV with a sleeping/feeding baby.

I found it helped to know I wasn't abnormal and surviving on no sleep is actually hard.

Doom-mongerers about impending parenthood irritate me too I'm afraid.

It entirely depends what sort of baby you get landed with. Some sleep well, others don't. Mine were great. But even if they hadn't been, I certainly wouldn't prick the bubble of someone about to start off.