Talk to me about 2/3/4 year gaps between DC

[HariboFrenzy]

I know there's no perfect gap between dc, but I'm really struggling to decide when would be best to start TTC no 2. I think I would prefer a 3 year gap, as ds1 would start free childcare then (atm ds1 is looked after by family) and I would be able to nap with the baby when he is at childcare. This is truly, honestly my main reason for wanting a 3 year gap rather than a smaller one . Ds1 has been a bad sleeper (dairy and egg allergy, reflux) and has just started sleeping through at 18 months. Even though I have been back at work since he was 10 months, being able to sleep when he does during the day on my days off has kept me sane. For that reason I really don't think I could cope with a non-sleeping dc2 and a 2 year old.

However, there are many advantages in having a smaller gap. Am I being ridiculous to put off Ttc no2 just to prioritise sleep??

Advice welcome

IT depends on the children though surely. Like I said small 15 month gap here, but ds1 was fully toilet trained before 18 months, didn't use a double pram, and he had slept (in our bed) 11hrs straight since weeks old. By the time eldest was 3 years the second was also potty trained, sleeping through etc. So 3 years start to finish for two children to be out of fully depending on us.
Some will have a 5 year gap and another and both needed all the above 5 years so 10 years fully reliable

OP I don't think it really matters TBH between a 1 year difference in waiting. If you were talking aboit waiting 10 years or now that would be different. But starting now or In 6 months isn't that much. You could find it takes longer next time also to conceive or whatever.

I have a 21 month gap. It was great when I was on mat leave because the toddler still had a 2 hour nap every day so I got some peace and quiet. It was really lovely to be home with them both while they were still little.

2 in nappies was fine because you don't change toddler nappies very often anyway. And we went for sling plus buggy, not double buggy. I am going for a bigger age gap this time to give my body a break, and due to the childcare conundrum, but 2 under 2 was lovely.

They are only babies / toddlers for such a small art of their lives though.
Lot of people like dc being close in age so they can do the same activities (cubs / Brownies /dance groups / youth clubs /etc.) at the same time rather than going up and down to same activity for 6 years or more. Also likely to be able to do things like go to watch the same films at the pictures, want to do the same sorts of things on holiday, etc. Others think it's nice for the dc to not be in things with their sibling and like the fact one finishes before the next one starts.
Once they get to public exams, it can be stressful having GCSEs and A levels going on at once.
If they go to University - I'm quite glad my dc1 is finishing as my dc2 starts... makes finance easier.
You can go on and on, it's swings and roundabouts really.

The thing is, you just get on with whatever gap you have, and you can't know how it would have been different between those two children if the gap was bigger or smaller. There are pros and cons to whatever age gap, but you can't definitively say any of those things will actually happen in your case - there are too many variables.
So I would just get on with ttc and enjoy it, and deal with the hand you are dealt when the time comes.
You can't control your children's relationship with one another, or how well the older one adapts to the new sibling, or how quick they are at walking, or potty training, or any of those things.

Children with bigger gaps can still get on well and play brilliantly together, or they can fight all the time, or ignore each other, or get on each others' nerves something in between, but children with smaller gaps can equally get on brilliantly together, or fight all the time, or ignore each other, or annoy each other, or something in between too. You cannot possibly know.

If you feel ready to have another baby, why not have one. If you don't feel ready, why not wait? You will just tie yourself up in knots trying to second guess things.

I think the thing this thread has shown, is that most people are happy with the age gap they have, regardless of what it actually is.

It depends on your first. My dd was / is quite difficult. Same allergies and reflux issues as yours. Ds was born when dd was 2y 4m. This was a difficult age for dd and it was really really tough. Still is. In hindsight I think 3+ years is easier. We've had a rocky road with sleep, potty training, breast feeding etc which could have all been easier with a larger gap. But I wasn't to know that! Dd is much more independent now and using toilet etc. Childcare wasn't an issue as dd was in nursery full time and still did 2 days when I was on mat leave. However now it's a huge issue cause we pay two full time nursery places.
Dd is now 3 with free hours starting next month which will help a bit. Ds is 1 soon and still not sleeping through ever. It's starting to get a bit easier than when I had newborn and 2 year old.
On the plus side they adore each other but suppose that would be the case no matter their ages.

Tbh I would also definitely factor in how old you are and whether you've got time to hang around or not. I struggled conceiving the first time and did ivf in the end, so I was sure it was going to be a problem the second time too. I didn't even know if it would be possible to have more than one. However, I got pregnant somehow on the first month of trying after stopping breastfeeding. I now have a 17 month gap between ds1 and ds2.

As others have said, a lot of it is out of your control- Mother Nature is in charge. Ideally I would have had a bigger age gap, but I learned my lesson the first time and thought I had better get on with it(I was 36
when I conceived ds2).

I have almost a two year gap between dc1 and dc2 and almost three years between dc2 and dc3. Dc3 is only 4 weeks so can't really comment on the long term but...so far I don't think either way is easier.

I think having two in nappies and using a double buggy is easier than having a newborn and an unreliable walker/toilet user.

The childcare is a bonus though.

We've got an age gap o f 19 months. Dd1 was and still is a terrible sleeper, same with allergies and reflux as yours. My second pregnancy wasn't planned but we soon thought ' we're up anyway'. I think I would find harder having got my sleep back to do it again. Two in nappies is fine and I like the fact I'll be able to do the same things with them at the same time.

I do think the second one is easier. The shock is less and you're just so much more relaxed and used to lack of sleep. It's hard to comprehend but it's true. Dd1 still naps so I get a rest each day which is really needed! Good luck

No your not being ridiculous, sleep is so important when you've got a newborn and it's near impossible to nap when you've got a toddler aswell.

I have a 22 month old and a 3 week old. He was a surprise bless him, didn't think I'd conceive again.

I thought it worked out really nicely as I thought my DDs free nursery hours would start in January when she turns 2 and the baby wasn't due until the 14th of this month so I assumed I'd only of had 3 weeks ish of sleeping badly,

As it turns out she isn't eligible for nursery until April so I've actually got another 3/4 months of not being able to catch up on my sleep

It's awful feeling this tired all the time so I thoroughly advise making it so you can catch up on your sleep while your toddler is in nursery

We have a 4.9 year age gap. I'm glad we didn't have them closer together as dd1 was at school before dd2 was born so during the day I could focus solely on dd2 (and sleep if I wanted!). Also dd1 could already do lots for herself- eating, dressing, potty trained etc.

There is, with all of these things, a down side- going back to nappies and sleepless nights was a shocker! They have also only just started to play a bit together (dd2 is 15 months now). Our house was not at all baby proof any more and dd1 has all sorts of small toys like playmobil etc so I have to be more vigilant than I did with dd1.

However, dd1 adores her little sis and will stop her from eating small things and climbing into the washing machine etc if I'm out of sight (for 2 seconds-dd2 is an absolute rascal and into everything!). I would have really struggled with a small gap as I found the transition from 0 to 1 child really hard. We had probably been child free and used to it for too long!

There are just over 3 years between mine. I wanted a much smaller gap but that wasn't to be. At the time I thought it would always bother me that they weren't closer together but actually until reading this thread I had completely forgotten that I thought I wanted children with a smaller age gap!!

All the things you are considering are important but ultimately I wouldn't put off TTC if you def want more. I conceived DC 1 first time, easy pregnancy. How lucky I was. We didn't TTC again until we we really ready. We started when DC 1 was 20 months thinking a 2-3 year age gap would be fine. A year later and I've just had my second miscarriage. I still hope there will be a DC2 but in all likelihood DC 1 will be almost 4.

We have a 21 month gap. The first 6 months were very hard. Neither child was sleeping through and both were breastfed. I had some help but we also had lots of expectations to keep on as usual by wider family and to attend events, help etc by the time DD2 was 4 months I was on my knees and diagnosed with PND and anxiety. However, I know lots of people who have children that sleep much better and have more family help and childcare and this helps enormously. I have lots more help now after everyone witnessed the downward spiral and I'm not afraid to ask for help either! I know this all sounds bleak BUT I'm really glad that they are so close in age now. They are 3.5 and 20 months now and they really are best friends. We've never had the jealousy issues or violent outbursts that some of my friends have had with a bigger age gap. I think having time with just baby and time to catch up on sleep would have been a good thing and I think it's very sensible that you have considered that. Good luck

I remember talking to a friend who had 3 in 3 years, when my dc1 was a baby. She said it was great, as she got all the sleepless nights over in one go. I see her point, I think you cope when you have a baby, then get used to having sleep again and it's a real shock to go back to sleepless nights when the next one comes along - same with every stage really - she said getting rid of the pram bag for good was a lovely milestone, and she didn't have to carry much more for 2 (or 3) than she did for one - 1 changing mat, 1 pack of wipes, etc. Then she said it's great in terms of them being in the same place at the same time for of lots of the things they join / go to - you don't have that 'keeping a baby and a toddler happy whilst taking the eldest for swimming lessons' scenario as they all start within a few months of each other.

A sleepless night with more than 1 is horrible. When one sleeps, the other may wake! Not easier at all IMO but I had twins so maybe a bit different. I think your planning sounds good OP, but agree with Pp about considering your age and whether it's a good idea to wait or not.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied, it's really interesting to read all your experiences.

laulea and annaT have your dc2 had allergies and reflux too? That's another worry...

WaryMary congratulations on your new baby! I hope they turn out to be a good sleeper and you get to rest soon.

Wittgensteins glad to hear that you are doing ok now... You certainly had a tough time and I can imagine how much sleep deprivation will have contributed to that. I hope you are getting sleep now!

Wibblewobble so sorry to hear of your miscarriages . I hope 2017 is your year.

I have a 4 yr 2 months gap between ds & dd1. Was nice to be able to spend time alone with the baby whilst he was at nursery and not feel left out.

They're now 13 & 9 and fight like cat & dog but they do care about each other a great deal.

Also fab at keeping an eye on dd2(2yrs old) when I can grab a quick shower or do some housework (dp works away a lot).

I had a two year gap twice (so three DC, with four years between eldest and youngest). This worked really well for me, because in the year when I had a baby and a toddler and a small child DS1 was at nursery in the afternoons (1-3.30) and the younger two both had a two hour nap then. I realise I was lucky that it worked out like that! Now they're all at primary school and are a brilliant gang of three.

I started ttc when DS1 was 18 months old and intended a small gap but things didn't happen that way and it ended up being a 3 year 8 month gap. In hindsight I'm so glad it worked out that way. My DS1 was a very very easy baby a good sleeper, good feeder, independant toddler..but my DS2 turned out to be a refluxer and a 'high need' baby, he still isn't sleeping through the night at 11 months and needs a lot more attention and reassurance than my DS1 did at that age. Im just so glad DS1 is at the age where he can understand it. He doesn't get jealous, he even helps out with the baby, he wants to know why ds2 is crying all the time and tries to help him. Im happy with our 3 years.

To be honest I'm not surprised youd want to wait. My relationship with OH, my mental health, my parenting ability, everything has suffered since the arrival of DS2. Im not even considering a third baby!

Yes my ds has allergies too. But less severe. He reacts with bad eczema and just to milk he is ok with soya and egg. No reflux. He's a much much happier baby. BUT doesn't sleep through yet and he's almost 1. They're very different. Difficult and pleasant in their own ways. You just don't know what you're gonna get I suppose so have to be prepared for everything!

People think that beyond 2.5 or 3 years is a big gap.....and it is when they are tiny tiny, but once the youngest is over about 3 it really doesn't matter.

I remember thinking a friend who was having a 4.5 age gap was leaving it too late, but those kids have a great relationship and they do still play. The rivalry which can exist with close in age kids isn't there in the same way. I also know people with a 7 year gap....again, it's fine.

I agree that your family will be whatever it is and made up of whoever is in it and the ages they are. It will be perfect for you. And there are difficulties of 2 tinies or 2 doing exams later close together, or finding activities to suit everyone when the gap is large........these are all just part of family life.

If being driven by anything, I would consider coping with a lack of sleep and also childcare costs.....but these are just me, and about practical issues for myself rather than for the kids themselves. Siblings are pleased to have each other (most of the time) regardless of the age gap. They like us, get what they get and only know what they know.

It depends on your first. My dd was / is quite difficult. Same allergies and reflux issues as yours. Ds was born when dd was 2y 4m. This was a difficult age for dd and it was really really tough. Still is. In hindsight I think 3+ years is easier.

This exactly describes my experience (except DD1 didn't have allergies and reflux, she was/is difficult for other reasons). I had lots of childcare help and still found a 2.4 age gap hard - mainly because of DD1 being hard work, and because both DC are bad sleepers.

If you have easy children then a smaller age gap would be ok I think - even with less help. But if you have no/little help, and/or one or both children is particularly tricky, then I would definitely go for 3 years plus. And of course you can never predict what your DC2 will be like.

WRT the lack of sleep - one reason we went for a smaller age gap is actually because of the lack of sleep. We knew that if we got to the stage where DD1 was sleeping well, we'd never want to go back to the baby stage! So we deliberately cracked on with it while sleep was still hellish - the "nothing to lose" and "get it all over and done with" mentality.

With hindsight that was a bit daft. 4 years of crap sleep has really taken its toll - on our work, parenting, relationship, social life, appearance... Things would have been more manageable with an extra year in between DC to recover. However DC2 is now 21months and the light is appearing at the end of the tunnel...

I was adamant I would not start ttc DC 2 as long as DS 1 wasn't sleeping through. He started sleeping through at 12 months old and 3 months later I got my bfp. A month later DS 1 's sleeping went to pot and has been shit ever since. DS 2 is nearly 4 months old and even though DP always goes in to DS 1 when he wakes, it's still exhausting having two non sleeping kids. I think I'd be happier if I hadn't been so dead against having another with a toddler who doesn't sttn. It really gets me down, it's not so much the lack of sleep in itself as the mere fact that we have shit nights due to both DC. So if you feel similar, I'd wait another while.
Otoh, I do think small gaps have their advantages once both DC are older.