Sons inappropriate text messages may have crossed the line

[mumoftwoboysandhusband]

DS1 is 13, had few issues with watching inappropriate videos on utube etc in past. Partly our fault for being blasé about internet filters. Anyway couple of months ago he and friend were sending pictures of boobs/willies etc to each other on Skype that they found on google images. Dealt with that/ told other mum etc.

Now, my son is the class clown - always trying to make people laugh and has a slightly warped sense of humour, a bit risqué for his age shall we say. Tonight caught him on phone in bed so took it off him and looked at text messages . There were a few daft ones he sent today and a few swear words (not great but he's 13)... anyway most horrifying of all he sent a text message to his friend this afternoon which read 'I am having sexual experiences with my mother'.

Obviously furious asked him about it, says just trying to be funny/ make joke etc.. did not grasp the seriousness of this.

Now worried that friend will show his parents/ teacher etc and SS might come or police

Also worried about what is going on in sons head to write this!!!!

Help/ advice appreciated

I really really would not worry about this. It will be very clear that it was intended as a joke as that is in line with your DSs personality. Just tell him yourself that that type of thing is not funny or acceptable but i really wouldnt worry about it any further than that. Id highly doubt that anyone your DS sent that to would be worried about it and show it to someone as it seems that your DS is always sending texts like that so it would present as nothing out of the ordinary.
For SS or the police to be involved there would need to be other things along side this that made them worried. Its very common for kids to mess about saying innapropriate things, teachers and other professionals they come into contact with are trained to look for other behaviour along side that which would indicate the child is at risk, not just the innapropriate comments themselves (unless they are unusual for that child or extremely detailed in a way that an average child would not normally understand).

He'll be mortified.
It's a joke though and sure his pals/family know that.

Thanks!!!

Yes what you have said all makes sense especially the picking up on other signals etc.. blimey, two weeks before xmas aswell the little sh*t!! So fuming and upset about the position put me in but also so disrespectful to me!! Worried about his thought processes.

also bear in mind that kids will not think thru statements like an adult. You read what your son has said as a very dark thing to say because you immediately think of children being abused. To your son it will just have been something ridiculous to say as the contrast between 'having sexual experiences' and 'mother' will be surreal, ie whos the most unlikely person you would have a sexual experience with- your mother- so that makes it funny... he wont understand its implications like you do.

He just kept saying don't know why I wrote it/ didn't mean it about u etc

Yes!! That's exactly it he LOVES saying out there controversial things, tried to explain about appropriate and inappropriate many times

I would be very concerned about sending inappropriate images. Several teenagers locally have been charged and placed on the sex offenders register for doing so. It's something I have always been very clear about; do not send and do not forward any pictures or images with sexual content.

Since he doesn't understand what is appropriate he really needs to learn. If you think he genuinely doesn't understand then does he have some learning difficulties or emotional problems or anything? Because that seems unusual for a 13 year old?

It strikes me as more likely that he knows it's wrong to say something like that but isn't bothering to stop and think through the consequences because he'd rather cause a stir/ get attention from friends or whatever? In which case you need to teach him consequences.
What happened as a result of him looking at porn? You said you dealt with it? And the pictures he then texted to a friend - again, what was the consequence?

I'd be taking his phone and any tablets/consoles off him for a decent length of time. Replace his phone with a cheap one without internet connection if he needs it to stay in touch with you.

He really needs to learn these consequences the easier way before he steps over the line of what is legal. Does he know not to take a picture up a girls skirt at school, for example? He does something like that then he'll be learning the really, really hard way that actions have consequences.

youcandothis the OP said they found the images on google. These are not images of the kids themselves! Yes its bad and should be dealt with but none of them will be put on the sex offenders register for sharing pics they found on google dont scare the OP needlessly

The point is that from what OP describes, the behaviour seems to be escalating, MrsBlennerhassett.

theres no need in going completely over the top with this. Its the equivalent of stuff i used to do at that age- drawing cocks on my friends maths books when their backs were turned, writing rude messages about what the PE teacher got up to with the headmaster, that i actually barely understood the content of myself but knew was rude.... only in this day and age its all done by text messaging and online. This is just something kids do and theres a HUGE difference between boys messing around sending each other googled pics of genitalia, and children taking pictures of their own genitals or other childrens. Theres an obvious huge difference so i think you are being alarmist.
The type of thing the OPs son is doing is just immature and it sounds like the OP is ding the right thing in explaining to her son about what is and isnt appropriate. It doesnt actually sound like her son has done anything that unusual to me to be honest. I think if she keeps on explaining to him and punishing him when he oversteps the line of what is appropriate, that he will just grow up and out of it!
I can see why the OP was so worried about the 'mother' text but i dont think theres any gain in blowing it out of all proportion. In a few years he will probably totally understand the implications of what he said and be utterly mortified!

I would be worried because he hasn't seemed to grasp that he could get himself into a lot of trouble.

What he said in his last text was really stupid but at least it was obviously a joke. Imagine if he had said it about someone else.

However, I would take steps to make sure he can't do something similar in future or at least for a good while. Firstly I'd get him a text and only phone. That would solve a lot of problems. If you really can't then you should get a phone with decent parental controls either inbuilt or app based. There is info online for example HERE.
You can get apps that save or forward all messages etc to you from the child's phone. He has proven to you that you can't trust him so I think it's ok to take a strong line.

It would also be good to have these things in place for when he is older. You can let him have more freedom and privacy when he shows you he can be trusted.

He is 13. Confiscate his phone unless he is out by himself. He doesnt need it.

He sounds like a right handful at home & at school.

I'd speak to the school & get them to come down hard on him when he's acting like the class clown. Isolation.

I'd take his phone and any other iPads/laptops/whatever off him & tell him he has proven he cannot be trusted.

He's be straight home after school - no loitering about with mates.

He's 13. You need to get it sorted now before he gets in serious trouble.

Is his Dad on the scene?

He's 13, old enough to understand that if he sends stupid texts like that he could end up in care. Then he'd realise what 'inappropriate' means.

My twelve year old, who has a history of occasional questionable behaviour (getting up in the middle of the night to play computer games, that sort of thing) without major behavioural issues, got involved in a similar situation. For various reasons, the school asked to look at his phone and there were some unpleasant messages (not bullying) sent to his friends. The school called me and weren't the slightest bit shocked but just suggested I keep and eye on it. I deleted his instagram/snapchat and changed his iphone settings so he can't download any programs without me putting in a code. He can still text but I checked his phone every night, it's not foolproof as he could obviously delete any offensive texts but it reduced some of his access. I guess my point is that the school (who are very hot on pastoral stuff) were not worried at all, which reassured me that the kind of messages he was sending, were designed to try and 'fit in' rather than were meant offensively. They were things like I'm going to spunk in the playground. I think those kind of things are pretty common for many teen boys to say. The problem is when they send them electronically because there is a record of them on someone else's phone. I would impress on him the dangers of putting things online. It might also be a good idea to replace his normal phone with a disposable one for a while. But I really don't think he meant to be offensive towards you at all. He was probably just showing off to shock his mates and that was the most shocking thing he could think of to say. It looks horrible though, I understand, reading it back. The very worst thing my son said was about going to rape someone. I was completely outraged at that and hit the roof but I think he really had no idea how horrendous it is to say something like that. He just doesn't have the maturity and neither does your son. In my calmer moments it occurred to me that he's trying to fit in by shocking others. Another friend of mine's son actually sent a picture of his dick to a girl stranger he met online (she had asked him to!). It was only when he got a furious call from the girl's father that his mother found out. He's a very sensible boy normally (16 at the time) but just not mature enough to think through the implications on online communications, despite all the talks they have at school. I think it's worth setting some boundaries etc, but I don't think your son is some future degenerate because of this.

I agree that the OP needs to take quite strong action about this. Her son obviously hasn't paid much attention to previous discussions about inappropriate use of social media and I think unless he understands that it is a big deal he will continue in the same vein.

OP while there is nothing for you to be worried about re SS or police I'd be really concerned about what your ds might do next. He probably is just being an attention seeking idiot, but he needs to understand that actions have consequences. Talking to school seems like a good start. Where I live they have brought in the local police to have a talk about social media which seemed helpful (more for bullying in our case), perhaps there might be some options like that.

In the meantime I'd be reading the riot act, removing the phone and very closely supervising any other internet access.

Your son said he was going to rape someone and school weren't worried at all?

I have a 12 year old son, too. If he said he was going to rape someone I would have him in therapy and his phone off him whether the school was worried or not.

Her son was 16 when he said he was going to rape someone. Perfectly old enough to understand what he is saying and its implications.

I think the 16 YO Sizzled mentioned is the friend's son who sent a dick pic. Her own is 12.
But anyone who is old enough to have a mobile phone and internet access should also be mature enough to understand that rape is a heinous crime and that if they reference wanting to do it to someone they will be in serious trouble.

The very worst thing my son said was about going to rape someone. I was completely outraged at that and hit the roof but I think he really had no idea how horrendous it is to say something like that. He just doesn't have the maturity and neither does your son.

But if he doesn't have the maturity to realise how horrendous it is to say something like that, why is he saying it? Does he think rape is a nice thing - of course not. You need to go way deeper on this one than saying "he doesn't understand"

For the OP, your son needs to understand as quickly as possibly that what you say out of the side of your mouth to your friend in the school playground is ENTIRELY different to what you say in text/social media. One is an off the cuff remark that might be designed to shock. The other is set in stone forever, can be forwarded to all sorts of people, and is potentially searchable forever.

At the very least you need to teach him good use of texts/social media etc.

I would also be disturbed about what he is texting. Why does he want to shock and why, age 12, is sex what he uses to shock/amuse? Maybe it is normal. maybe it isn't.

Also meant to say to the OP and the PP I quoted - I didn't mean to sound judgmental, just that this is something that needs to be thought about and talked about and the reality of what they are saying and the medium in which they are saying it should be addressed full on as quickly as possible. Age 12 is a good age to have to face this stuff because you can direct/educate/control still.

Nothing prepares you for the stuff pre-teens/teens dish up.

Blimey. Some real over reactions here.
This does need dealing with, obviously. But I don't think the text only phone suggestions are the answer. I'm not sure that's dealing with the core problem here. Actually, I'm not even sure what the core problem is here.

Sometimes my 12 year old surprises me either his insight and maturity, but mostly I am just staggered by his selfishness and immaturity.

Is the same problem, the same with the OP? Or the core issue different?

I have a DD who at 12 has a very mature grasp of humour and also a far too sophisticated sense of the absurd. I wouldn't worry OP....when he said "I didn't mean it about you" it made me think that the brand of humour they use is similar to the old Reeves and Mortimer style of "That's you that is' as they gestured to a fishtank or something stupid.

Its not personal...it's just silliness. Forget it...he's learned not to use actual people in his jokes now.

I feel your pain op- what is it with 13 yr old boys?!

My normally lovely ds had his friends here a while back watching a big football match and he said to me " mum do you spit or swallow? " I could have died.
His friends were a mixture of mortified and hysterical and I've had to have a talk about inappropriate behaviour, he has AS and can often go a bit too far but not as bad as that.