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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

New parent Christmas advide

13 replies

user1481242483 · 09/12/2016 00:47

Hi everyone,
Sorry if i've posted in the wrong place (please feel free to move the post admin), but i'm in need of some advice if possible please.

I lost my sister 5 months ago, and after a long and expensive custody battle between SS and her abusive ex (the children's father), i am now the sole custodian of my amazing niece (3 years) and nephew (14 years). I couldn't be happier, i've never had any children of my own as i'm unable to conceive so this is going to be a whole new experience for all of us.

With Christmas nearly here i was wondering if there are any charities that could help me. Due to all the stress of court, lawyers and social services, i've had to give up my job and i'm also having to stay at home for now as my niece has some minor learning difficulties (un-diagnosed for now, but she is being tested). This means i have very little money for presents until i can find another job which is a bit more flexible (Both niece and nephew will be going to school after the xmas term which helps).

Anyway, does anyone here know of any charities that could help me? I've only been able to get 2 presents for them both and i just want them to have a good Christmas despite the crappy year they've had. I've had a look online but all i can find is Salvation Army and there isn't one near me or charities in South Wales. Any links or directions as to where i can get help would be greatly appreciated.

Please don't judge the lack of money situation, i just couldn't have those kids in care or living with an abusive father.

Thank you x

OP posts:

archersfan22 · 09/12/2016 11:42

I know it's a bit cheesy but I think you have already given them the most important present of being there for them and fighting for them at a very traumatic time in their lives.
3 year old won't be aware of how much money you spend so I would suggest either looking in pound shops/charity shops for her or making her something? You could turn a large cardboard box into a lovely playhouse or doll's house for example? Or turn an old kitchen cupboard into a toy kitchen? 14 year old could maybe help with this?
14 year old will be more aware but also old enough to understand that money is tight and if you spend more than you can afford on Christmas you will get into debt etc - a very useful life lesson in my opinion, and better than you teaching him that it's more important to have lots of presents even if you can't afford it. Obviously he is a teenager and might still moan and could say hurtful things but I would take that as an expression of his hurt at the year he's had (and possibly previous issues with abusive dad) plus possibly some insecurity as he's only recently moved in with you rather than any reflection of your parenting skills. Ultimately it will not hurt him to have two presents. He's also old enough to understand about children who don't have the basics of food/roof over their head so he is lucky to have two presents.
So anyway my main point is to concentrate on making a stable household for them and not worry too much about how many presents they have. Are there any other family members who might get them something?
Having said that, there may be charities out there who would help. Can you contact the health visitors as the 3 year old would still be on their radar?

Original poster

user1481242483 · 09/12/2016 15:44

Hi, thank you for replying to me :)

I've asked the health visitor and social services but they've said they'd get back to me and that was 3 weeks ago lol!

Yeah, i think you're right. I'm just looking forward to the new year when i can get back into work. I'm hopefully allowed to get job seekers allowance until the child tax and child benefit have been sorted out, 1 more week to go for the jsa decision, and the child tax/benefit will be sorted at the beginning of the new year.

No other family members unfortunately, they all believe the kids should be with their dad regardless. I obviously think otherwise, and this whole custody battle just got plain ugly in the end. Which is a shame because i'd never deny the kids to see their family, including their dad (under supervision) if that's what they wanted. The family decided to cut all ties without thinking about the consequences. The kids have already lost their mum and have been abandoned by their dad, and now the rest of the family. Hopefully i can show them that people do care and that i'm not going to give up on them.

I'm keeping hopeful and hopefully it wont be long before i have a job and i can give these kids the life they deserve. Probably vain or selfish on my behalf, i just want them to have a good life x

OP posts:

boopdoop · 09/12/2016 16:24

If you want to pm me and let me know what town you live in, I might be able to help suggest some options.

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Families General parenting

GizmoFrisby · 09/12/2016 16:31

I know of someone who has custody of her niece an nephew and they always get extra money for the children's Christmas and birthdays not sure if it's different for different areas but she gets a lot of money for having the children and doesn't have to work now. Can't see one area allowing this funding and not another though

GizmoFrisby · 09/12/2016 16:31

The children were also from an abusive family

Original poster

user1481242483 · 09/12/2016 19:23

Thank you guys :)

Boopdoop, i'll message you now. Thank you.

GizmoFrisby, i've not heard of this. I've ony been told that i'm allowed child benefit and child tax credits for them both. I know there's a guardians allowance but because the father is still alive and not in prison or in hospital, i'm not entitled to it.

I'm going to have a look to see if there are any more charities in my area that can help, but it's not a huge problem if not. I'd rather be skint and have the kids in a stable home, rather than tonnes of presents and them living with their dad.

Thank you again for replying x

OP posts:

MNHQ

LouMumsnet · 09/12/2016 19:32

Evening all. Thanks for your reports on this thread. Just a gentle reminder that we advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are. We're awed by the incredible support our members give each other through life's ups and downs. However, we'd caution you all to never to give more of yourselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than you can afford to spare.

Original poster

user1481242483 · 09/12/2016 19:37

Sorry if i've done something wrong Lou. I'm not asking for money or anything like that if that's what people are thinking. I was just wondering if there were any charities that could help, i'm not amazing when it comes to the internet so i don't exactly know what i need to be looking for x

OP posts:

GizmoFrisby · 09/12/2016 19:55

So im guessing you will get housing benefit and council tax benefit too??
If you have been given custody then surely you are the legal guardian?? So you are responsible for these children? Therefore you are in the same situation as a friend and she gets more funding than a working parent does. Social services surely wouldn't put these children in your care if you can't afford to keep them and get them 2 Christmas presents?? Obviously the comment about the Dad is irrelevant as they wouldn't be going back anyways if they have been placed with you Hmmm

Original poster

user1481242483 · 09/12/2016 20:08

Yes i'm entitled to housing and council tax benefit now, i've already applied and been given that.

Yes i have legal guardianship over the two children but i've not been told of any extra funding yet. I was going to give social services a call on Monday anyway after you mentioned it.

I can afford to look after these children, so i don't really know what you're getting at with that comment, I'll also be going back to work once they both start school so i'm not going to be in this position forever.

Legally, the father can fight against the custody order if he wishes, he can also gain custody back if he takes the relative steps to ensure a better quality of life for them. Again, not too sure what you're getting at as all i'm asking for is "keywords" that i can type into my browser to see if it's possible to get some form of help. I'm asking for nothing more than that

OP posts:

GizmoFrisby · 10/12/2016 08:28

I doubt he will is ss have placed them with u op. I wasn't having a go I was just saying the obvious, the ss will have made sure you have enough money to provide for these children or would not have put them in your care. I know they provide nappies and all sorts for the lady I know. And I find it hard to believe they have taken 3 weeks to get back to you when the situation is as you say. If you are struggling then they have a duty to help provide and help you as you have taken on someone else's children rather than them going into care. My cousin fosters children and she gets a huge amount of funding too and is not on benefits.

DesignedForLife · 10/12/2016 12:32

Could you maybe make a "gift" to the older of a promise to do something like go to Alton Towers/etc later on in the year?

Original poster

user1481242483 · 10/12/2016 15:17

Designed for life, that's a really good idea :)

Gizmo, i know with fostering its like £400 a week, it's a lot of money, but at the same time it's off set by what you need to buy and provide for the children. I have enough money to pay the bills and for food, uniforms, school meals etc. I'm calling the local authority on Monday though to see if there's any other help they can provide. I'll be back into work soon enough, it's just the waiting for everything to get sorted. It'll be fine :)

OP posts:

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