Please, how do I become more patient and mess shouty with ds?

[WeedlesHatOfDisappointment]

I have 4 year old ds and 3 month old ds. The baby is fine, but I find I have such a short temper with 4 year old ds. He is just being a normal 4 year old, but I end up yelling at him for what feels like a lot of the time. It makes me feel shit, but I don't know how to break the cycle. I don't want him to grow up hating me....

Sometimes you just have to make the decision not to shout.

It's not always very effective anyway. Try getting down to his level and speaking in a low, firm voice.

I'm pretty strict but very rarely shout.

Can you give an example?
I used to chant in my head "this too shall pass!"

Make a decision not to shout and stick to it. Say it out loud.

You might break it occasionally but you yourself say that he's just being 4.

When do you shout?

I'm a naturally shouty person, or I was. I made the conscious decision not to shout. I told myself I'm the grown up here. I should be able to control my shouting. After a while it became easy and felt natural. It's a matter of will and consistency - and adults should be able to manage it. I think what helped is that not shouting turned out to have so many benefits - shouting is a rubbish parenting tool, and makes the shouter feel rubbish, too. Good luck!

I'm feeling totally the same after an awful day with 4 year old dd and just losing my temper with her too much. Did the same with my tantrumming 1 year old too but I seem to find it harder to keep my cool with my four year old ☹️️

It just seems that he doesn't listen, or if I tell him not to do something, he will then go do it anyway.
For example, tonight he had swimming, and because I said we would have a shower at home rather than at the pool, he ran off and set the shower going anyway.
Or I'll tell him to put something down a number of times, and he continues playing with it, saying 'opps' each time until I yell, and he finally stops.
I lie in bed each night thinking that tomorrow needs to be better, but I just can't get a grip on my patience.

If you shout at him, you've already lost the point you were trying to make.
He's the child and you are the adult, if he plays up or talks in an inappropriate way, send him to his room.
If you are out and about, have a stern face on, forget everyone around you an bring him to the side to have a stern word.
Zero tolerance for a week, every time. I call it boot camp
Taking electronics away for the whole day and start afresh in the morning, make a point of starting afresh.
Don't cancel days out or clubs, but restrict each e.g. No treat after the club or day out.
Enjoy the good times

Sometimes they do just hear a word so it's not always wilful.

Sometimes you need to preempt. Eg have a snack ready post swimming, don't mention a shower and just get him dressed and be gone.

If you want him to put something down - get him to come and do something else instead of telling what not to do.

And think if you need to lower your expectations.

There are some great ideas on Ahaparenting.com which you may find helpful.

I'm a champion shouter and started reading Calm Parents Happy Kids (ahaparenting). It's got some good tips but I find by far the most effect on my ability to be calm is sleep. Are you getting enough? I prioritise that above all other domestic tasks. I try not to multitask when I'm looking after my 3.9 yr old as they are so much more responsive when they have your full attention. Good luck

I can really relate. I was an ultra calm parent until I had my second and then I had very little patience with the oldest and still often horrify myself by telling all the time.

I agree Aha parenting site is good. I read Calm Parents, Happy Kids (by the same woman) - a little bit on my kindle each day just to keep reminding myself of the importance of it and keeping the ideas in mind. Am doing the same with the siblings books now.

Following this thread after a bad day with 3 y o DD today

I sing - 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts' when I feel like I'm going to lose my shit, just walk away and sing my DDs will probably grow up thinking I'm deluded

jaffa funny you should mention sleep. Baby ds sleeps through and is a dream baby, but by 4pm every day, I'm so tired. I'm also finding it hard to keep on top of the cleaning of the house, so try and do it in the mornings, which is when 4yr old ds is demanding my attention.
I then get stressed, and it seems to set the tone for the day.

I'm going to get an early night tonight, and may take ds out to a soft play in the morning, so I'm not stressed out with the mess in the house.

If you have a 3mo you're probably not getting enough sleep in which case your tolerance is likely lowered! Maybe you're being a bit too hard on yourself?

I'm very firery by nature and lose my temper easily but since having DD I've made a conscious effort to work on it as it only makes things worse and I don't want her modeling my behaviour.

Could it be that he does some of these things to provoke a reaction, in which case ignoring it might be best (unless it's downright dangerous). I find with DD the best thing is to try to avoid situations that are likely to lead an incident, usually by distraction. Or giving her two apparent choices if I want her to do something she doesn't like ("Ooh look do you want to wear the bib with the bear or the rabbit!?")

As a general rule telling a kid not to do something is like challenging them to do it anyway. So instead of telling them not to walk in the road (which puts that picture in their head and encourages them to do it), tell them to stay on the pavement.

I should add that the fact that you're worrying about this so much shows what a good parent you are who genuinely wants to do their best! I bet the worst shouty parents don't even realise they're doing it or don't care!

Well the early night plan backfired, as baby ds just vomitted all over the bed!
Thank you for not judging me or calling me a bad parent.
I'm going to reread all the great advice on this thread first thing in the morning. Then, I'll be working hard to keep my calm better.

I should add, I do suffer from anxiety. It's no excuse, but it's starting to be heightened around baby ds's feeding, so that could be a factor as well.

Google Hand in Hand Patenting and see of you can do a course somewhere near you. It's brilliant for stuff like this.

You're shouting because you're exhausted. He's being a normal 4yo boy who wants to have all his mum's attention. As a pp said, choose not to shout. When he's playing up try talking to him as though he was not your son but as if you're a childminder and he's one of your mindees. You'll find there's a big difference in your attitude.

**Jaffa jiffy
I know when I'm doing other things that's when my kids act up the most but when do you get the stuff done that needs done? I can't keep on top of housework as it is!

I have found 'how to talk so kids will listen' really helpful. It has advice on when you are loosing your shit, like changing the focus when you're talking about something they've done on to describing what you see and how you feel...so with the shower thing you could say ' I can see the shower is on, but I've explained that we're having a shower at swimming tonight. I feel so frustrated! I find it so tough when I'm not listened to' It sounds a bit weird but much less damaging than saying something like 'you never listen to me, why do you always do things like this' etc which I hear a lot of parents using. Well done for deciding to make a change. Best wishes for your first day xx

Just thought I'd update while ds 1 is in nursery and ds2 is having a nap. Today has gone a lot better today, I think it's because I'm more concious of it today. We've both been a lot happier today, and instead of cleaning this afternoon, I'm taking some time for myself and having a nice hot cup of coffee....

I find that when I go over a situation where I was really angry, the anger was usually caused by something not directly related to the situation itself, eg: I was tired or stressed about something else. If I take a second to look at my own feelings before I lose control, I usually manage to control my anger.
It helps to learn what your triggers are and realising when you are reaching the point where you are about to lose your calm, and knowing what you need to do to defuse your anger. Basically, it's about getting to know yourself better - you can only control your child's behaviour up to a certain point, but you have maximum control over your own behaviour. It takes some practice though and doesn't happen overnight.