How confident are you in this parenting lark? Illness in particular

[PacificDogwod]

I tried to start a similar thread a year or two ago. In AIBU. And got my arse handed to me - fair enough.

But I cannot help myself as I think about this a fair bit and over and over again, but am unsure whether it's just me or a general change in society:

The vast majority of young children (say, under 10 years old) will have childhood illnesses, cough, colds, upset stomachs, chicken pox and the likes. How well prepared do you feel to parent your DCs though these episodes of what in the greater scheme of things are minor illnesses, but can be jolly miserable for ALL concerned? How confident are you that you can differentiate the 'miserable, but not dangerously ill' child from 'needs to be checked out' to 'I better call 999 now' situation?

Personally, I find unwell children quite scary - personally and professionally. The younger, the more scary, because the younger they are the more unstable their state can be and the quicker they can change (from good to bad, and from bad to good). It is always better to err on the side of caution, but I have experience of quite serious parental anxiety at the first cough or spike of temperature.
I wonder how our forebears felt about their unwell children? When they had less opportunity to have them checked out or do anything much about their symptoms? Where they as frightened?

I dunno.
Give me your perspective.

I suspect they just got in with it a bit more. I imagine living through war, poverty, and having very little material comforts focussed the mind. Even though modern life is busy, it's busy in a different way? When I was on maternity leave, I was stressed by being home alone for long days with 3 small children and desperate to fill my time or talk to an adult. But on the flip side had the luxuries of modern life.

Our grandmothers would have had more social support but spent hours scrubbing dirty nappies and trying to dry the bloody things. Kids would be playing outside with cousins and neighbours as there were no cars to worry about? There were far fewer choices so no point in worrying about or weighing up all options?

George, I think it's sad that you feel your partner is taken seriously but you aren't? I don't think I would ever treat a mother less seriously than a father, and am sad to know that happens.

Yep it's true unfortunately and sure not in my head. Maybe it's me rather than my gender! When I've taken her I've been told whatever it is she's fine (not always true but whatever), whenever dh has taken her he's come home with antibiotics or whatever else (and it's on my judgement he's gone so it's not that he's better at spotting real illness).

I'm quite good at googling and coming up with decent info and not making a mountain out of a molehill, so I generally do that WRT illness at least.

We ran into a weird cultural difference at school the other day (we also live abroad) - DS banged his head and injured his ear, and they phoned us to come and get him but when DH picked him up and asked if they thought he needed to see a doctor they said "It's your call" (effectively) which he took to mean "Not really, he's probably fine" - but by the time I actually got home from work that evening and asked on my local mums' group for advice they were all horrified and said no, of course the school didn't mean that, they meant that you're supposed to decide that kind of thing but you absolutely definitely should take him! He was asleep by then (no concussion signs, DH and I both clued up as to what to watch for with those) so I took him in the morning, but a couple of weeks later, the school asked which doctor he'd seen. So they obviously had thought that. (Anyway, he's fine now)

On the non health care front. I don't know. I go through kind of cycles, I suppose. I think I'm doing alright and then something makes me think I'm getting it all wrong and then I think actually I'm fine and quite often I can be a bit cocky and superior about "my way" of doing things and not really notice that while that's all great in theory I don't actually stick to half of the stuff I profess to find important

My parenting identity crisis at the moment is discipline. I thought I'd got it all sussed, smoothing out conflicts etc but I think actually I've just been avoiding all conflict, which was proven today when I decided to react to something in the way that DH actually suggested (removing a tablet from a grumpy child) which resulted in me being attacked and screamed at. Like, a really ridiculous level of overreaction. So probably I'm not doing very well with that one either. But having a bit of an internal battle over this one because I think, probably, I just have to change the way I think about it entirely.

Have had rather strong beer, sorry for rambling! :)

george, that's awful

I am 50, my mother is still quite cross that she was asked whether I was her first child (I was) when I was quite seriously ill in hospital. With my professional hat on, I totally see that question as medically relevant, with my maternal hat I can see how that makes a mother defensive.

IME many mothers of young DCs now have grandmothers who are younger than me and are NOT actually less risk-averse or more confident in the management of common minor childhood illnesses/accidents.
I think the generation that remembers serious childhood illness as a matter of routine or not being able to afford to see the dr are dying out.
Not that I would ever wish to go back to those times!

Bertie

I have 4 boys, now girls, and I worry about me being the main female role model they have (of course they have lots of female teachers, but you know...).
Having them has actually made me more of a feminist, I think. That, and MN of course

There's a way to ask if a child is your first or only child. I definitely know the difference between a professional, necessary question and a head tilty one :(

In any case it wasn't relevant to the fact I had a tumour.. or that my daughter needed physio.

yes to being good at googling!
it takes some practice and a huge pinch of salt but if you have a child with a rare disease you need to as your gp (or even consultant) are likely not to come across this much.

Oh, good lord, george, how awful!

Yes, I know there's all the difference in how as question is asked.

"I have 4 boys, no girls"

So far there are no transgender issues here... sorry for the typo, most unfortunate.

I'm not much of a worrier. I suppose I worry about finances more than before I had kids. But I really enjoy them. I worry they will grow up, and the baby days will be over (I have 2 and want more), and life won't be as much fun... I only ever pictured my future with kids so what happens after? I might consider fostering.

Pink, the expert patient is great to have, genuinely, particularly when it's a rare condition.

So many patients apologise that they have googled, and I truly don't mind or actually welcome it.
Although I do own a mug that reads 'Don't confuse your googling with my medical degree' and there is truth in that. Googling will only ever give you a general idea and cannot diagnose anything (other than meningitis and cancer ).

I would say I'm reasonably confident in my abilities as far as ill children are concerned if they're mine. Less so with other people's. Like a previous poster, I think this is born out of positive experience. Having had a child who did come down with a serious illness which was only diagnosed after several trips to the doctor, my confidence comes from knowing that I correctly spotted that my DD was much more poorly than other people realised. Of course, my DD was correctly diagnosed before it was too late. Had she not been, I'd no doubt feel very differently.

I think I'm fairly relaxed about illness but haven't faced anything serious yet, apart from an appendicitis scare which turned out to be nothing and a coin stuck in the throat which I think I reacted appropriately too (called for advice, paramedics were sent, they dismissed it but she refused to eat or drink so took her to the hospital which saw that it was stuck in her throat, not swallowed like the paramedics thought) but OH tends to panic at the slightest thing and thinks I should take her to the doctor for a fever (admittedely she gets very high fevers but that's normal for her and the doctors always say as long as she'd hydrated its fine) or any minor illness really.

This is something that stresses me out as well, this year my dd ended up in PICU as she became seriously unwell due to flu. What this horrific experience did teach me though was that my maternal instincts were right, she had been unwell for a few days but nothing unduly worrying (high temp, sore throat, lethargic...) but over night she became much more unwell and was struggling to breathe.

I rang 999 and a chap came out in the ambulance car, looked her over and said she is very unwell but doesn't require admitting, she saw another GP later that day who also did not pick up how unwell she was (prescribed steroids and antibiotics) and in the afternoon I rang 999 again as her breathing was obstructed when she was coughing.

This time they did take her in, she went straight to resus and ended up being ventilated for 2 days.

This is obviously an extreme example but I knew something wasn't right but was made to feel like an over anxious mother, even in resus I had a nurse tell me to 'calm down as I wasn't helping' when your normally healthy 10yo can't breathe its not easy to be calm!!!

She has made a full recovery

Sorry to harp on. I just wanted to make the point that although there are a lot of anxious parents these days (I see it in friends etc) it's easy to dismiss patients as being worries and there is a real danger in alienating people. Not you I'm sure, but I've seen enough hcps to tell you it's not that uncommon! I appreciate I've had extraordinary things happen, but actually now it means you (general you) don't see me at the docs unless it is something absolutely awful, and even then I put it off! There's a hidden minority out there who really no longer want to engage with hcps and that's sad. For instance my sister had an ovarian cyst that was huge and causing massive problems, she was refused a scan for nearly 2 years and basically told all in her head...

Believe it or not I'm actually very sanguine about childhood illnesses and don't panic at all. It's easy to dismiss everyone as anxious and neurotic parents but sometimes they're not..and actually not all hcps will even know the end outcome. I'm quite sure the numerous hcps I saw over a 2+ year period never found out actually I wasn't a neurotic first time mum, why would they? They're just busy treating the next neurotic, anxious first time mum...

I don't find it too stressful but I do certain things to keep me from stressing, I check their temp every 4 hours if its high I check it again after 30-60 mins depending if paracetamol was given. I measure out in oz how much fluid in giving them so I know exactly how much the drank and keep a note I also note when they pee and poo. I always have them sleep with me (I kick dp out) so I can keep an eye on them plus if they have pain ir a temp they tend to be restless and it wakes me. I'm also convinced I just know somehow when something is wrong I always can just tell both had digestive problems as new borns I knew something wasn't right it took ages but it became obvious after a while with both to everyone. I also knew ds1 was fine when he had a mystery rash I did take him to be checked but I felt that he was fine. Mothers intuition is real I'm sure of it.

My mum thinks I'm crazy with the note taking but it makes me feel in control and I think if it did turn bad I would be able to give lots of detail having kept a note. Obviously I dont do it for just a cold or moan about a sore tummy only when they are really feeling ill.

I worry about my kids' health, because I feel so responsible for them. I often feel like I'm the only thing standing between them and death -- and I feel completely unprepared and underqualified for that much responsibility. That's why I worry. I worry I'll miss something.

I think parenting classes on illness, CPR, choking, even basic first aid should be more common. They'd be a far, far better use of new Mums' time than baby signing/baby massage/etc.

I would never want a parent to feel dismissed.
And part of a good consultation is to share the decision making and to safety net.
Many conditions only reveal themselves in the fullness of time, which is why seeing a child too early is often unhelpful even if it then turns out that they were seriously ill later on.

Feck, ill kids are scary creatures!
Have I said that already?

Girlie, I can imagine how frightening that must have been. Glad she is ok.

Any dr worth their salt knows to listen to the parent.
Trust your instincts, when your kids are unwell, but also when you feel they are well.

I think parenting classes on illness, CPR, choking, even basic first aid should be more common

I agree.

But not all hcps are like you. I know it's not in my head I've been dismissed; I have been. Honestly it happens. Especially to 'first time mums'. For instance I took my dd to the docs with eczema and was dismissed as anxious, first time mum. Dh took her for her jabs a week later and the same Dr was horrified wed not sought help earlier for her extensive eczema..

I could go on.

Of course it happens.
I am not doubting you in the least.
Nor am I defending how you have been treated.

Sorry am not having a pop (genuinely).

Just frustrates me that although there's not much recognition that actually there are quite a few people out there who've been alienated by the 'We know best' attitude a few hcps have. I know it's not all.

I am jealous in a way though of the people who bother there GPs for every little thing, the thought of going for anything brings me out in hives.

Sorry am not having a pop (genuinely

No, I know, honestly, it's all good

I don't know how to square this particular circle: to not put off those who need help, while not encouraging those that don't but think they do.

Final anecdote before I stop hogging the thread.

I had very severe pre eclampsia, which nearly cost me my life. I had ongoing problems and saw a specialist obstetrician some time later to review my case. We discussed symptoms, including a feeling of dread which is apparently is fairly common. I relayed that I had been repeatedly told that I was an anxious first time mum and my concerns dismissed, she told me that a large proportion of the women they saw reported similar.

Obviously most women who are anxious and worried aren't about to have a severe life threatening emergency but I find it very sad that many who were faced with that also had to contend with not being believed and in fact belittled :(