How confident are you in this parenting lark? Illness in particular

[PacificDogwod]

I tried to start a similar thread a year or two ago. In AIBU. And got my arse handed to me - fair enough.

But I cannot help myself as I think about this a fair bit and over and over again, but am unsure whether it's just me or a general change in society:

The vast majority of young children (say, under 10 years old) will have childhood illnesses, cough, colds, upset stomachs, chicken pox and the likes. How well prepared do you feel to parent your DCs though these episodes of what in the greater scheme of things are minor illnesses, but can be jolly miserable for ALL concerned? How confident are you that you can differentiate the 'miserable, but not dangerously ill' child from 'needs to be checked out' to 'I better call 999 now' situation?

Personally, I find unwell children quite scary - personally and professionally. The younger, the more scary, because the younger they are the more unstable their state can be and the quicker they can change (from good to bad, and from bad to good). It is always better to err on the side of caution, but I have experience of quite serious parental anxiety at the first cough or spike of temperature.
I wonder how our forebears felt about their unwell children? When they had less opportunity to have them checked out or do anything much about their symptoms? Where they as frightened?

I dunno.
Give me your perspective.

And I think that us (society) never seeing really poorly kids has lead to not knowing what it looks like. And has also led to people thinking immunisation is unnecessary.

Coughs are difficult to know what to do with TBH. There's a campaign running ATM about how you should see the doc if you've had a cough for more than 3 weeks. I don't think I've ever had a cough that was completely better in 3 weeks.

If a child is eating and playing as usual, despite a slightly raised temp etc I wouldn't be worried, but DS1 once slept for 2 days straight with "just" a cold. That was quite scary.

I have form for completely under reacting which is terrifying.

When DD was 4 months old I thought she just had a bug. I eventually took her to the doctor as she hadn't had any milk for 24hrs. The doctor took one look at her and called an ambulance.

She had bronchiolitis, a collapsed lung and was in intensive care on a ventilator for a week after being rushed from a+e to a major children's hospital.

I had never even heard of bronchiolitis.

Aren't we a bit shaped by our experiences though? Isn't it easy to be confident to 'not bother' the gp if your child has never had a bad illness?

I do agree we are an anxious bunch on the whole and I wish I was more relaxed. But also, when your baby has been ill or gets ill quickly / you wind up in hospital, it leaves its mark and you can't help being cautious because you don't know whether a chesty cough and temp is just that or something a bit more.

Ds2 has scary asthma - he goes from 'a little bit wheezy and off colour' to 'not breathing ' very quickly - means we've had a few very scary hospital dashes (4 this year with more than a weeks stay each time) and a few more 'getting checked out' appointments including nebulisers and steroids but released the same day to manage at home
I was fairly laid back with DS1 but then he's never had anything worse than a bad cold/one pulled elbow, DS2 has taught me to act bloody quickly because actually it could get bad
It's also (one of) the thing that freaks me out most with the kids, what to do when they get poorly/when to act/how to manage it...

I know you are a GP Pacific.

My dc have been hospitalised for childhood illnesses twice.

Dd turned out to have bronchiolitis aged 9 months and stayed in for 3 days.

Ds was just very poorly with some kind of virus at about 12 months and they observed him, took bloods, monitored oxygen and urine for a day and then sent him home when they were satisfied it wasn't meningitis.

I felt confident about knowing the difference between an illness and a serious illness. It's all about how alert they are isn't it? Ds was mostly asleep and filling his nappy with unspeakable diahorrea and had blue lips and felt cold to the touch.

I think most parents have an inkling and you can't blame them for being scared shitless when you read about how quickly meningitis can get a hold.

I knew a youngish adult who died of something similar to sepsis in a major teaching hospital a few hours after being admitted. People are quite right to be cautious.

It is also hard when you have a child who doesn't react to pain stimulus in the same way another child, or whose sensory issues overwhelm them to the extent that a smell in a room can make them thrash around screaming, despite having low says and struggling to breath.

DS was really ill as a baby and has a lot of chest problems as a result of that. Strangely though that has made me rather relaxed about illness. It's almost as if I have become immune to it in a strange way.

Not that I don't care, or that it doesn't get to me but I think a matter of fact approach is what let's me deal with it. I have realised panicking doesn't achieve anything and I need to stay calm for ds sake anyway so that has just become second nature. I know when he needs hospital, I know when I can cope at home.

I do sometimes think I must seem quite heartless!

Yes, it IS really hard.

Hm.

I think coughs are 'easy' though: coughing + generally well = carry on
Coughing + unwell = get checked out.
May still be nothing much but get checked out.

I think it is also often true that parents/people who has experience of chronic ill health are more relaxed with spells of acute ill health.

to all of you who have experience of serious childhood illness or death

I am very anxious when it comes to my DD being ill. The first time she started projectile vomiting I was on my own that weekend, DH working away, and it was like something out of the exorcist. I was terrified and we ended up in hospital. Luckily she puked herself inside out for a couple of hours and then was fine. But I have never really got over it.

I am a nervous wreck now when she gets a temp or is sick (thankfully not as bad as that one time so far), I panic about meningitis, think the worst everytime. I am relaxing a bit more, she had an ear infection recently and her temp got very high. I was checking her every hour, and am pleased that we bed share as I was right there with her when she sick and could feel how hot she as getting.

I think it is because of social media, as it wasn't really on my radar at all before. But now scare stories and warnings are everywhere.

As you're here Pacific why then the campaign ATM to see doc with a cough more than 3 weeks old? I've always taken the view that if I or DC are well in ourselves, there can't be much wrong. Then every now and again something comes along that makes me feel all negligent as a parent.

There's a campaign running ATM about how you should see the doc if you've had a cough for more than 3 weeks

Yes, I know.
And you know who that flushes out? The young/ish, non-smoker who is reasonably well educated, has no problem with accessing health care and is generally well.
It does NOT get the poor, longterm smokers who have never seen a dr in spite of regularly coughing up blood

A 'normal' viral self-limiting upper respiratory tract infection takes on average 2-3 weeks to work its way through our systems.

Yes, it is confusing

ToneDeaf, but what is it about vomiting that worries you that much?
Vomiting is the body's way of purging itself of whatever germ is making it ill.
Vomiting in itself is not dangerous.
Choking on vomit of course is, and that is were parenting comes in IMO - staying up all night with your child, mopping their brow, emptying sick bowls etc.

"She's not eaten in 3 days" - why is that a worry??
She has no appetite, so quite sensibly she is not eating and giving her stomach/GI system a rest.
Why is that a worry?
Children all over the world go far longer without food.

Ach, I don't know.
I know writing it down like that makes me sound v unkind and unsympathetic - I am not, genuinely.

I feel we worry about the wrong things tbh - worry about your DCs not being able to have hip replacements or heart surgery when they are old because we are running out of effective antibiotics. Or about viral pandemics.

Health anxiety is a vicious condition, I am always sorry to see people with it, or read about it here. So exhausting and relentless. Kudos to you all who are dealing with it.

I have a child who has a chronic illness. I am shit hot when it comes to diagnosing illness for that child, I know when we need IV antibiotics, and can tackle scary situations quite calmly (coughing up blood being one example).

However, give me some basic, normal childhood illness and I literally have no idea what to do. I panic and ring my mum usually - and she can't believe how daft I can be over normal stuff, when I deal with the big stuff quite well.

I'm a GP too OP and I get what you are trying to say, and think you've done a better job of it than I would.

I'm sure if there's more anxiety around or less social support? In the distant past people lived very close, if not with, a very experienced maternal figure, whether mother, grandmother or older sister. These people acted as filters and gave advice. My mother who is now in her 60's would never have dreamed of going to the GP "just to check" it was chicken pox as she would have shown the rash to a trusted relative.

I have a lot of anxiety over my baby's health. Right now she has a cold and I'm worrying it could be something more serious, especially after reading this thread (she has a cough and has had a temperature for 2 days, which I have been bringing down with calpol). I was planning to take her to the doctors on Monday, now I'm worrying that I'll have to take her to hospital tomorrow. I've lost family members unexpectedly through sudden illness and I think that's why I'm so anxious about losing DD. I know it's too much but can't seem to stop worrying, to the point where it affects my own health.

Oh, and just in case anyone is interested, I think this is a great leaflet about coughs in kids. You can also download an app by the lullaby trust called "BabyCheck" which takes you through symptoms and tells you if you need to worry or not.
child-cough.bristol.ac.uk/files/2016/01/UoB_Childrens-cough_PDF-leaflet_A4.pdf

Sorry to high jack!

No, Dipsy, that's great, thanks for sharing

Schnitzel, if you are worried about her, get her checked.
When she is well, consider addressing how this anxiety is affecting you.

Thanks, I know I need to address it at some point. I'm living abroad so find accessing help in a second, not fluent, language difficult, but I'll have to get over it. I always get help for DD, just avoid it for myself.

I am incredibly neurotic and uncertain of my ability to make good decisions on behalf of my kids' health. We very rarely bother the NHS but I torture myself about their illnesses and injuries. Pretty much everything I ever hear or read stays with me so it's hard to tune that out sometimes!

I find it hard to assert myself and have a high pain threshold. My DH missed DC2 being born because I didn't make enough of a fuss to be believed that I was in labour, and I have run around on a broken ankle.

I lost a close family member to meningitis -that fear doesn't go away. But I have managed to ride out rashes and high fevers with the kids so far and just monitor closely. I have used 111 several times, and managed to get DC1 help when she had a bad attack of croup. We have had lots of childhood illnesses in the last few years - croup x4, roseola, awful chickenpox, noro, chesty coughs, two minor head injuries, one eye injury, one burn (and I have had a really bad run of health too). We have seen GPs and used minor injuries - no ambulances!

So in an attempt to answer, I am in a fairly high anxiety/high rationalisation place. When we have needed theNHS, they have been amazing, so I try to remember not to overuse the service.

I will say that there has been a lot of sleep deprivation since DC1 arrived which definitely doesn't help anxiety or decision making.

Oh, I always think how hard it must be to access health care in another language!

Ok, if we avoid the whole health thing, are there other aspects of child rearing you all worry about? You know, lying awake at night worrying about it?
Education?
Having shouted at your kids?
Bullying? Or whatever?
Are you confident that your parenting skills are up to it? Or are we other thinking it all?

Should we just feed, love and keep talking to our kids and all will be well?

I often wonder how my grandparents or those before them did it: more kids, less technology, more poverty with everything that goes with that. I wonder how much they worried or whether they just got on with it

^ I overthink it all

Now DC are in their teens and despite my best efforts, not doing particularly well at school, I worry a lot about how they're going to earn a living.

I especially worry about the lifestyle we've given them and which they now see as "normal" and how on earth they can hope to provide that for themselves. I worry that I've let them have life far too easy and they have no idea how hard it's going to be for them.

My family all lived within 5 miles of each other for generations, so I think they had good access to people who had seen it all before. We have moved a long way away so we have no one to ask; I think the pp was right about that. I think there was a lot of just doing what their parents had done before.

I've had a lot of illnesses that were dismissed by hcps as being in my mind or due to being a stressed new mum (they weren't). I now can't bear to visit the gp unless I have to and probably put off taking dd unless it's really bad. That sounds awful written down, I would get her help if needed but I definitely don't bother the gp for reassurance. If needed dh takes her to the docs (and is of course always taken seriously!).