No family support nearby, anyone else in this situation?

[mrskitty15]

Hello,

I am just posting on here on the off chance that other people may be in the same situation as me. We are parents to the most wonderful little girl and are very happily married but are finding it a struggle being so far away from family. We very rarely get to spend anytime on our own as a couple due to having no family local to help with babysitting which definitely has an impact on our relationship. I just wondered if anyone else on here is in a similar situation and if so how do you manage? I have considering relocating to be closer to family but I am not sure if that is a bit extreme?

Thank you :)

Another lone parent here, I grew up in care so no family of my own. DD1 is frequently in and out of hospital and the only way I manage is to pay for a childminder to have DD2 (full time carer for DD1) which costs a fortune but can't see any other option. Absolutely no social life, even just getting DD2 to school and back is hard sometimes.

to all those in similar situations

Like others, we have no family near by. We do get nights out as a close friend babysits for us (I then babysit for her also) or we pay a babysitter. It really depends on how you feel about leaving your child with someone other than family. For us, the first time was a bit daunting (little one was 4 months and we went out for our wedding anniversary) but after that it was fine. We go out as a couple 4/5 times a year but find that's enough and it feels like a real treat when we do get out. If it's affecting your relationship like you say then I say take the plunge and find a sitter. Good luck and hope you getting that much needed night out soon!

TOugh - Yup ! My Mil lives about 5 minutes away she has NEVER as in NEVER babysat , she is of no support whatsoever. SIL has her own children and she has twice or maybe 3 times had the DD for me when I have been stuck ( talking 10 years here). DH and I both work. We split the childcare as we are lucky our jobs permit it. We do not have regular babysitters and we had our first night out together from home when the eldest was 6 . My parents live in another country and they are 'proper' grandparents , adore the children and bust a gut to come over for special events to watch sports . They are now pretty old so this is not as much. SO now the DD's run for the phone when Uk granny is onthe phone and will chat hours. They draw pictures and want me to post . They choose gifts that they think she will like. MIL has lost so very much and quite frankly I don't care. ( I did btw and encouraged her to come round, hold dd, invited for coffee, tea , dinner etc bent over backwards .... she is a nice person as well - just not interested ). It does get better and those 30 mins when the baby is in bed are precious ..You do get used to it !

Yes we've been in that position. I think we just adjusted things to cope - I went to working from home being the main factor. We didn't manage to find babysitters (would book, speak to, then they'd not turn up on the day). We've tended to go out for lunch together, sometimes taking an afternoon off work whilst dc were at nursery/school.

I have a network of about four people whom I help out when I can and they help us out occasionally. Generally they're parents of dc's friends. You can get this going by offering help in the first instance - if you know yours and their's are going to a party - offer to take them.

We've had one overnight childfree together in about 12 years - when dmil came to stay for a weekend. But she arrived two hours late, it wasn't ideal (I have a bad sleeper) so we didn't bother trying again.

Now mine are older they frequently have sleepovers with friends and they're doing longer term things away from us - school trips for a week, scout/guide camps for a week. It's well worth getting her name down for the brownies or whatever, my dc have loved it and that's an hour and a half a week where we have some time together, if only to watch a non child friendly film or something.

It's hard but doable. And it doesn't last forever. I think it's more about trying to make time for each other - the attitude rather than the actual amount of time you have.

It's very tough. My (very hands on) Mum died when my DD was four (she's now 18). My Dad remarried several years later and my stepmum is lovely but she has issues with one of her own adult children who had a life changing accident and my Dad is showing signs of dementia now. They live an hour away in any event and are really not in a position to help. I had my DS late, he is now five and has Aspergers. That has been very tough. My ex-h left when he was 2.5 and has done exactly nothing to help or support me as OW won't allow it. Our relationship has now broken down completely. My lovely Aunt died, she had been a huge support. My brother has four children and lives a good 45 mins away. My ex IL's, while supportive, are 200 miles away. I am very lucky to have good friends who will help when then can but my God it's hard. You don't realise how much you need your family until you're in a tough situation and could do with some regular support. I am also lucky that as DD is now an adult she can babysit fairly regularly which means I have a good social life so it's not all bad. I really feel for anybody who has absolutely nobody around them.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that most people we know DO have lots of help from family, even though we live in London and none of our friends are from London originally.

We're one of the few who don't have willing and able family on hand (within a max couple of hours drive) to babysit, cover illnesses, cover school holidays etc. It does make their lives much easier (and they all appreciate that).

So instead we've used Sitters since dd was 2 (before that we had a grand total of three evenings out using a nanny friend). The same 'Sitter' has been babysitting dd for over two years. We haven't asked her to do an overnight but she's done a whole day and late into the evening when we went to a wedding. She's lovely and dd really likes her.

Now dd is 4 we've left her with GM overnight (twice) but that needs to be at GM's house 250 miles away.

Once dd is older we may arrange sleepovers at friends etc but I'd rather do that because dd and her friends want it, not as a favour from other parents.

Been in the same boat. When my kids got older (so 3 & 4) we asked someone from their nursery to sit for us and now she does it 2x a month.
We also used sitters.co.uk - they were great.
But no other help. Ive taken my kids along for smear tests (for me, not them) and all sorts over the years. The worst times where one was sick and you're trying to stay well yourself and keep the other one out of germs way. My DH works long erractic hours and we spent 5 months only seeing him on a Sunday.
It is hard in the early years. Early bedtimes when you can to preserve some of the evening together (my youngest has ASD so it wasnt possible for many years) and try make nights at home special sometimes. I now consider a takeaway, a dvd and a bottle of wine a brilliant evening! Changing expectations!
And FWIW most of my friends in London were from overseas and had no help (although when grandparents stayed they made the best of it). Now we live in Suburbia and most people have family help. I am very envious sometimes!

We live abroad so never had any family on hand to help out. It is hard when you see others with seemingly endless help on tap especially when dcs are tiny, but I coped by resigning myself to it in a positive way and acting accordingly. There are some good suggestions on here. We always tried to have a strict routing and get the dcs in bed early when they were little so we could have dinner together and snuggle up over a box set afterwards (in lieu of the cinema - not worth the expense of a babysitter). We did use babysitters occasionally although I agree it can end up making an otherwise cheap evening out into a big expense. We also had lots of celebration meals and any weekends away with the DC in tow. To be perfectly honest with you looking back now I don't regret for a second - I have nothing but brilliant memories of those times with the kids. The dcs are 13 and 15 now and I have to say we couldn't be closer - we leave them now if we want to go out locally for dinner or drinks, but I can honestly say I couldn't wish for better company and they enjoy our company too so I think down the line you get out what you put in if that makes sense. The upside is you get no interference - family input isn't always positive judges get by some of the threads on here.

Another one here with no family involvement on a day-to-day basis, as they were too far away. In some ways it's a shame, but it also meant that we were free to do it our way. Sometimes you just have to get on with it (not talking about posters with serious medical emergencies, obviously).

They truly grow up and are gone before you realise it. Mine are all grown, and looking after 3 children under 5 used to do my head in on a regular basis (the sheer boredom of it for a start) and, looking back, I wished I'd known that it was just a short phase of my life. It would have been better for me to think 'well, I've got 3 small children, my life has changed. Some ways for the better, some for the worse, but it's not for ever'.

I got through it by going to every social group going for mums and children (even though I didn't always have a good time). Through that I met mums in the same situation and we started a babysitting group, which meant we could go out. I also really envy young mums in that they have MN. Sometimes I felt so isolated and lonely and MN would have really helped.

Sorry if this can be classed as No Use At All, as I do sympathise.

We're the same. No easy answers unfortunately.

We're in the same situation. How do we cope? We're not really.

I have another thread about how I'm so stressed it's affecting my work to the point I may lose my job.

We would move near to family in a flash if we had the money to do that right now. It's the plan though, as soon as we can.

Moving to be near family is not an extreme option, it's a no-brainer IMO. If all the basics are covered - e.g. you get on with your family, they'll help with the DC, you can afford to work, find work there and decent schools too - well, what's stopping you?!

Ive taken my kids along for smear test

That made me laugh, me too. Still, it's all education!

No family help here either, so we just get on with it. We don't go out often, and when we do we use baby sitters. When I was expecting ds, the plan for when I went into labour was DH would take me in to hospital with dd, drop me off, and go home to look after her while I gave birth on my own. Fortunately (I guess) I ended up going overdue, so had a planned induction giving us time to book a sitter.

People with local family have no clue how easy it is for them in comparison. It isn't just babysitting but cover for emergencies that is a struggle for the rest of us.

Same here. Zero help.

Honestly we don't go out at night. Ever. We can't. We also live rurally so no babysitters around.

What has saved us is early bedtimes. Every Week we have a fun night where we have wine and nibbles and watch all the cool things we have on the DVR. We have a right laugh.

But I do get horribly envious of those with loads of support who always seem to insist they have minimal support.

I have one friend who's bad for it. She has tons of family around who help her out. But always says "Oh I don't like asking Mum as she's getting older". Then in the next breath telling me how she had a sneaky weekend away with "Hubby". When I asked where were the 3 kids - oh Mum INSISTED on taking them for the whole weekend so she and Hubby could have a break cos they hardly ever get to go out together - only once a month!!!. Oh but Mum hardly ever helps out really - only if there's a doctor/dentist appointment or if one is sick and someone has to stay with them when she does the school run for the others......

I mean, I don't mind if you have support, but stop acting like its minimal when you know full well our situation. I'm not thick.

No family nearby for us either. I couldn't join the 'babysitting circle' as everyone knew my DS1 wouldn't settle without me - later discovered he has ASD which explained that! Both my DM and my DMIL were mostly occupied with looking after ill DHs so they weren't able to come to stay.

My DH was away a lot for work as well, so I had to learn how to be self contained.

My DS1 went to a childminder rather than a nursery (that un-diagnosed ASD again) so evening babysitters weren't easily found that way. And we'd moved to a new town so didn't have a wider network.

You just have to adjust to your situation, and live accordingly. Don't waste emotional energy feeling miffed though, or it will get you down.

Would like to add that, in common with some PP, it's the medical and dental appointments where you have to take one or more children along, rather than the lack of time alone with DH ( although I'm sure that would be nice) that I find most difficult. Yes to smear tests with a 3 year old in tow "mummy, why is that lady looking up your bottom?"
Also, DH missed the birth of our youngest child as he had to wait in the hospital waiting room with our other kids.

Sorry to butt in again, but the thing that saved me was making friends in the same situation (I.e. with young children and no parents to help). It was always understood that you would take their's if they had a doctors appointment, and they would have your back if the same happened to you. Doesn't that happen any more?

OP, I'm you some years later (my three eldest are now teens). We had no family support. Dh's parents were older, and lived several hundred miles away, my parents were caring for my very ill sister, and were a 3 hour car journey away.

It was hard - at one point we had 3 under-threes, and dh and I were both crawling. But it had a positive side. We never expected anything, so we were never disappointed. And I knew people who had loads of support, and then, as parents grew older had it withdrawn (illness, or just plain exhaustion), which always seemed to lead to resentment.

Me. My parents are 2 hours away.

I am so envious of people who have parents who will drop in to look after the kids for an hour, or run out and collect them from an evening activity or something.

But, it is what it is, I can't change anything. We have a babysitter, the 19 yr old daughter of my friend, and she babysits for us for £5 an hour, which with 3 kids seems pretty reasonable to me. It's not the same as family, but it's the best we've got so we just have to get on with it (while secretly feeling jealous of friends with parents round the corner).

We didn't have any family near by, the nearest ones were about a four hour drive away. We created our own network of help, it meant that we had to help out other families too but it worked well. We used to take turns babysitting or having suppers in each others homes with the children with us (babies asleep in travel cots...if we were lucky )

It's pointless to compare yourselves to those who have lots of help nearby, that will only lead to feeling like you are hard done by. Also from what I've seen some people have family nearby but don't actually get a lot of help.
The luckiest person I know (at least from an outsider's point of view) is our neighbour, one of the grandmas arrive each morning in enough time to allow the mum to get dressed and have breakfast while they sort the children out, they then deliver the older children to school and take the baby home with them, the mum is able to leave for work looking like calmness itself. I just try not to think of the mess I must have been rushing out the door to take our children to breakfast club/childminders etc.

We didn't have family near by when we had our child - we made friends with other families, swapped babysitting/childcare arrangements - or paid someone to babysit.

It's important to build a network of neighbours and friends locally.

As others have said, even if you moved nearer to family would they necessarily help you out?

mrskitty I really sympathise. Since having kids we have never lived in the same country as our families. When they were little there were times when it was very tough indeed.

When dc2 was 1 I was hospitalised with what turned out to be a rare but basically harmless infection. I could have kissed the doctor who decided to keep me in for a week. He heard that I had a baby and toddler with no family support, said 'You need to rest and can't possibly do that at home' and signed my dh off work for a week instead. Still well up when I think about how kind that was. It felt like I'd been on a cruise when I got back. Got properly nursed back to health and felt amazing.

Anyway, in answer to your question what helped was:

We asked a retired lady if I could pay her to come over and play with the kids in the local language. She had been a registered childminder and had no children of her own. It was win win for all of us.

Really scaling back expectations of free time and time as a couple. I felt better when I accepted that this was a short season of life and would eventually come to an end.

Tried really hard to build networks of supportive friends. We help each other out. Watching each others' kids so that we can go shopping in peace, get stuff done around the house etc. This is easier to do when dc start nursery, school etc.

Tried to remember that there are often problems associated with having family in close proximity. We have never had to deal with these problems and can enjoy time with the wider family as it is so precious. Also, that GPs might not necessarily want to help with childcare!

Also had to accept that people who do have help don't always realise what it means if you don't.

It really does get easier, though, OP.

The only time we've been out together in the last few years was at a funeral, or as my dh said a 'fun'eral as it was such a rare time we had together without kids... my mil begrudgingly sat with kids as 'it wouldn't do for us not to be seen there'..☺

My DH is in the forces and is away a lot and we are currently posted away from any family support. We have a 19 month old DD and a 5 week old DS and the last 5 weekstrying to learn how to look after a newborn and a toddler with very little help have been horrendous