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Original poster

No family support nearby, anyone else in this situation?

99 replies

mrskitty15 · 21/11/2016 13:02

Hello,

I am just posting on here on the off chance that other people may be in the same situation as me. We are parents to the most wonderful little girl and are very happily married but are finding it a struggle being so far away from family. We very rarely get to spend anytime on our own as a couple due to having no family local to help with babysitting which definitely has an impact on our relationship. I just wondered if anyone else on here is in a similar situation and if so how do you manage? I have considering relocating to be closer to family but I am not sure if that is a bit extreme?

Thank you :)

OP posts:
JellyWitch · 21/11/2016 20:51

No close by family here either. Time off is by taking annual leave when they are in childcare. Evenings off don't happen!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/11/2016 20:59

Why do you think you are in such an unusual situation op? I would imagine that most adults do not live very close to their parents in this day and age. When I think of my peers, only a tiny number had any kind of childcare or babysitting from their parents.

KarmaNoMore · 21/11/2016 21:07

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EsmesBees · 21/11/2016 21:14

Thinking about it, it's the hours here and there I miss rather than the nights out. I was stuck at home today with a sick, clingy toddler and would have loved to be able to call on someone to sit with her for an hour while I showered and sorted the house.

5minutestobed · 21/11/2016 21:21

Yep no family nearby here either. We have probably been out 5 times during the day together in the last 4 years. Hopefully we will find a babysitter we feel comfortable with at some point although we have a little baby now too so it will be a while before I would want to leave him with someone.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 21/11/2016 21:25

Both our sets of parents live a full day's drive from us. In the nearly 3 years since DD was born we've had 2 day time dates and 2 evenings out. The day times were when my work days were swapped and the evenings were when we visited family.
I get literally no time to myself, DH does because of his shifts.
It's hard but for us it is temporary. I'm most worried about childcare for DD when I go into labour as no family to take her. I'll be relying on friends, and I hate to ask that of them. It's a good community around here, all in a similar boat (military). It's more common to be away from family these days.

drspouse · 21/11/2016 21:30

Why do you think you are in such an unusual situation op? I would imagine that most adults do not live very close to their parents in this day and age. When I think of my peers, only a tiny number had any kind of childcare or babysitting from their parents

.That was my thought. My parents didn't either - they were part of a babysitting swap circle.

We pay someone we found through Childcare.co.uk.

I see a lot of people on here complaining they can't work because they don't have family who can help with childcare. I imagine it's unusual to have retired parents and a newborn, so people seem to be expecting their mums to give up work so they can work.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2016 21:31

ILs live 90 miles away but are in very poor health. My folks are abroad. Never had any babysitting. DS has ASD. Such is life.

NerrSnerr · 21/11/2016 21:32

We're the same. Our closest family is an hour and a half away but they have made it clear they won't ever do any kind of babysitting. My family are 4 hours away and will help when visiting. We take annual leave days when our daughter is in nursery to have some time together and pay for the occasional babysitter but that's pricey. One thing I find frustrating is I have a few friends who have lots of family support and get surprised if we don't just have childcare for something short notice.

Sunflower6 · 21/11/2016 21:39

We moved a way from family about 220 miles for work 20 years ago. Now I am a lone parent and kids dad works away in the week so it's just me to keep everything going 6 days a week. It's hard but just have to get on with it the best I can.

LostAtTheFair · 21/11/2016 21:45

Flowers DanTDM that sounds like a very tough situation

danTDM · 21/11/2016 22:39

Ah, thanks laund and Lost Smile. 10 years to go and it's not all bad, just lonely. I agree with others though, it is not at all unusual to be far from parents these days.

Caterina99 · 22/11/2016 04:13

Currently living in the US and both our families are in the UK. We are lucky in that both sets of our parents are retired, in good health and early 60s and so happy to visit us once a year, and we usually go home for several weeks once a year too. Grandparents are very hands on during those times so it is a good break but it's hard to have absolutely no family help the majority of the time, even though DH is a great hands on dad. I like our life here but we plan to move back soon and the main reason is to be closer to our families

NotEntirelyWhelmed · 22/11/2016 05:05

I have a 10 year old and a six year old. I think my partner and I have been out alone in the evening once in the last 10 years.

I'm surprised that so many people with such young children and babies have such high expectations of leaving the house unencumbered at any point in the next decade.

Shadowridge · 22/11/2016 05:31

I think you just have to accept that that is how it is. Maybe it seems in your friendship group that everyone has GPs down the road, but many people are just like yourself - there is no "off chance" people are in the same position - many many people in reality are! If it is important, you will need to put some childcare in place or make the most of your childfree evenings at home if your DD is in a 7.30 bed routine.

mrsbaffled · 22/11/2016 17:59

I think this is quite normal tbh. Our parents are an hour away, but they never babysit (we do see them about once a month). I can't actually remember the last time DH and I went out as a couple....I think it was about 7 years ago at our 10th wedding anniversary. That's just how it is, and we are fine with it. We do a lot of stuff as a family (me, DH and the 2DCs) and I love that. I also get out once a week just me for my hobby and DH has the DCs.

PinkPlastic · 22/11/2016 18:45

We live abroad so no family to help, which i think isn't too unusual.

The issues have been emergency childcare situations - when in labour with dd2 i had to drive myself to the hospital as DH stayed home with dd1 who was ill with D&V.

And last summer DH was knocked off his motorbike and i had to drag DCs through A&E at midnight to sign off DH's emergency care.

I have to say, since finding god, i have found an amazing support network at my church. Forget nice nights out, you need to figure out what to do or who to turn to in emergency situations.

PostTruthBreakdown · 22/11/2016 18:48

I'm in that situation too. It is hard for the early years. It gets easier as they get older - bedtime becomes more of a fixture and you get to stay up. I expect by the time the kids get to teens I'll hardly see them so I try to view it as getting all the cuddles in early. We spell each other when we're in bad moods, and I'm glad we've got that much.

Spudlet · 22/11/2016 18:52

My folks are a couple of hours away, ILs are closer but still 45 minutes, and they're not in great health. So basically it's just me and DH. We've had no time as a couple since DS was born. He's 11 months old.

It's tough sometimes, but I don't think we'd want to move.

Thefishewife · 22/11/2016 19:12

My in laws live in irland and I haven't seen my birth mum since I was 14 it's hard you need to start making a network of good friends you can reply upon

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 22/11/2016 19:16

is your daughter at nursery? the staff might babysit, or if you ask around at mum/baby groups someone might know of a babysitter, else there is sitters.

NameChanger22 · 22/11/2016 19:22

I'm a single parent without family.

My solution for the last few years has been to have no social life. Unless you call work a social life? I haven't had a night off for years and years.

So I've had to lower my aspirations about what life has to offer, it's either that or become depressed.

MarciaBlaine · 22/11/2016 19:26

We've never lived near family so built a little network of trusted babysitters so that we could go out. It got easier in more recent years as there were things like Brownie camp and sleepovers. I can't imagine never going out for years and years!

Anatidae · 22/11/2016 19:48

In laws are 700km away and my folks are overseas. No friends here either and Dh works long hours and is away a lot.

It's really hard. But agree that lots of people don't live near family.

If you have friends with kids perhaps some reciprocal babysitting? Otherwise alas it's just a case of getting on with it or finding trusted paid childcare. I've not had more than two hours to myself for over a year (and that was to go to the docs.) I see people I know on FB dropping their kids off with GPs to go out for the night and away for the weekend but we can't do that - no point comparing, we just can't.

Eolian · 22/11/2016 19:52

I don't think that is an unusual situation tbh. We fairly recently moved 4 hours away from any family (having previously lived an hour away). It was entirely by choice that we moved (not necessary for job etc). It wouldn't have occurred to me to live near parents just to take advantage of childcare.

Dh and I rarely go out together without tge dc but that doesn't really bother me. When we do go out, we get a babysitter.