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Parenting

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Original poster

Just totally lost it with 3 year old over potty training...feel so ashamed

35 replies

pjsgalore · 10/11/2016 20:12

Ugh I just feel so awful. My 3 year old DD is having a nightmare with pooing - has a poo phobia I think.

She was potty trained with wee 6 months ago - never has an accident - but just will not poo on the potty or loo. She waits for days then goes in her sleep in her night-time nappy.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Reward charts, buying presents when she does (occasionally) do one, reading books, a nappy over her potty.hugging her as she goes, ipads - everything. And she just won't do it. She basically starts telling me she needs to, sits on the loo, cries, gets up, comes back, sits, cries, gets up etc.

So today, after a huge long episode of this (ie telling me she needs to go, putting her on the loo, 2 seconds later her getting off, crying etc) she went all over the floor - and I just was so CROSS. I didn't smack or really shout. But I was livid and it was obvious. I told her she was a naughty girl... I ended up putting her to bed - angrily - without a book or a song (which we do every night). I KNOW It's not her fault, and she's not being naughty. I just couldn't keep my shit together. I just feel so guilty. It's just a fricking nightmare!!!!! Any stories, advice, help - anything - would be so appreciated. I feel like such a shit parent!!!!

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Original poster

pjsgalore · 10/11/2016 20:14

I'm hating being a parent at the moment - both of them are driving me crazy!!!! I just want to have a week or two off on a desert island!!!!!

OP posts:

WitteryTwittery · 10/11/2016 20:17

No advice on the potty training thing I'm afraid except to say that no matter whichever path you take, she will get there eventually. You won't have an 8 year old who still only does a poo in a nappy, so take whichever path is less stressful for you and her.

And you're not a shit parent, you're just not. You put her to bed every night with a song and a story - that girl knows how loved she is, I promise you. Everyone's loses their shit sometime and clearing up human shit would do it to anyone. Be kind to yourself, you are a lovely mum.

RoganJosh · 10/11/2016 20:20

My middle one used to get a nappy put on for poos. It wasn't ideal but it worked for a while.

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SnowInLove · 10/11/2016 20:23

Oh I think many a parent have been pushed to the limit with potty training! It can be an incredibly frustrating time because there's so many elements that need to be present and all come together at the right time.

Dd1 potty trained ridiculously easily at 2.4.

Dtd trained easily at 2.9.

Dts was later and was dry at 3.4 but wouldn't poo on the toilet.

At the same time, dtd suddenly decided that she would wet her pants every day (several times) for the following 6 months.

Meanwhile, DTS was still pooing himself daily.

A LOT of my shit was lost, beleive me.

With dts, it turned out that he was constipated and the hard stools had caused a small tear. Obviously this was sore so we got into a cycle of withholding and overflow. Thankfully, a short course of lactulose sorted him out and we've not looked back since.

Thankfully Dtd is more or less dry again too.

When you're in the midst of it all, it feels as though theyre never going to get it. You know yourself that getting angry doesn't help but I totally understand how you feel.

She'll get there, don't worry x

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 10/11/2016 20:30

It is so, so frustrating . My 3 year old poos almost every day in her pants. I feel your pain.

teacher54321 · 10/11/2016 20:31

Deep breath. This was us for nearly a year and I swear to god I nearly lost my mind. We had terrible withholding and constipation, followed by a Movicol prescription which led to countless accidents. What worked for us was as follows:
A) getting him to agree to poo in a pull-up.
B) getting him to poo at the same time each day
C) once that was in place, following the ERIC website advice to the letter to wean him off the pull ups.
Each of these stages took a looooooong time, we started potty training in the march and he was finally properly poo trained the following February. It was so distressing, and frustrating.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 10/11/2016 20:31

Have you tried the ERIC website? I fear there are no magic answers though.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 10/11/2016 20:33

Xpost. Teacher, I can't even get her to agree to poo in a pull up even as a first step. How did you manage that?

YabuDabbaDoo · 10/11/2016 20:34

My youngest did his very first stress-free poo on the toilet... On his first day at school. He was still refusing to go in anything but pull-ups or his pants until the night before and I was imagining myself being called in to deal with pooey pants on a daily basis and losing sleep over how he would cope!

Original poster

pjsgalore · 10/11/2016 20:38

thanks so much each and everyone of you. Always so calming to know you're not alone. Coupled with a large glass of sauvignon....

I have tried to get her to go in a pull-up - but she wont' even do that. I will try again - and try the ERIC website thank you!

OP posts:

neversleepagain · 10/11/2016 20:41

My twin girls toilet trained at 2.8.

Dtd1 got it immediately and I think we had all of 2 accidents and she was dry at night by 3.4.

Twin2 nailed wees with very few accidents but would only poo in a nappy. She would bring me a nappy when she needed to poo. Not ideal but we went with it with gentle nudges to try pooing on the toilet. She refused point blank for over a year. At 3.10 she decided she was going to pop in the toilet and did. No issues.

My advice is to just go with it.

We bough tesco value nappies for the poos. They were literally on for all of 3 minutes a time.

teacher54321 · 10/11/2016 21:27

By good old fashioned bribery I remember we were at my parents house and in the garden and he was doing the poo dance and clearly desperate but also didn't want to have an accident or stop playing. I whispered in his ear 'if you put a pull up on now and do a poo we can walk to the shops with grandad and buy a kinder egg' and he agreed! We then regulated the movicol until he was doing one poo per day and he did it after his bath in his pull up for MONTHS. This stage lasted about 6 months and suited him because he was in control, never had to poo at nursery etc. The issue came to a head when he had a tummy bug. He suddenly became very very distressed at preschool, sobbing and crying and then had a poo accident there as he had a bug. This shook his confidence badly as he had lost control of his body and we had a couple of fraught weeks where we had to keep bathing him at really funny times because he needed a poo but could only go after his bath. That was when we did the ERIC method of pull ups on but in the bathroom,pull ups on but standing by the loo, then sitting on the loo, then cutting a hole in the pull up then finally removing the pull up. Small rewards at every stage. Hot wheels toy cars in this house! Now his normal poo slot on school days is as soon as he steps through the front door when he gets home in the afternoon or anytime when we're at home at the weekend. I still get anxious now, and don't want to jinx it. Wishing you all lots of luck sorting it out x

bikerlou · 10/11/2016 21:30

My son would not poo in a potty or toilet until he was 4. Cut the kid some slack, she will be potty trained before school. They all are except real problem families. She will turn around in a few months - best not to make a fuss about it or the time it takes will just get longer and longer. Kids are like pets - rewards will achieve the result you want.

waterrat · 10/11/2016 22:15

A close friend has gone through this exact scenario so I think it's not uncommon.

Take a step back and let her do what she wants for a while so thst it doesn't escalate and become stressful.

Let her put a nappy on for poos . Let her calm down about it then bribe heavily. If she starts to get stressed it could lead to constipation.

waterrat · 10/11/2016 22:16

All parents find potty training stressful. I think it's important to remember they are so little at this age and it is our expectations that are the problem not their behaviours.

SpeckledyBanana · 10/11/2016 22:17

ERIC is excellent.

Blossomdeary · 10/11/2016 22:21

We have all been there - don't feel ashamed. Boy is it exasperating when you know that they jolly well know what you want them to do, but just won't do it! We have all lost our rags at some point in this process. Take heart - you are not alone!

10littlepirates · 10/11/2016 22:22

We struggled with poo withholding - it is frustrating and stressful. Time and movicol did the trick for us but not without a few tears from me and him. Glass of wine and just stick with it, you'll get there.

WhispersOfWickedness · 10/11/2016 22:28

You're not alone, potty training was my parenting nemesis and made me so ANGRY for some reason There's still some photos of the DC at an event that I feel sad to look at because I remember that we got home from it and something potty training related happened and I got so angry and shouted a lot
If it helps, we did get through it, my DC are 5 and 6 now and the horror of training is a distant memory for all of us, the DC have no recollection of any of it

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/11/2016 22:55

Ds put me back on anxiety meds with potty training. Wee was sorted in 72 hours. Six months later we'd had about 3 successful poo episodes, withholding, impaction, overflow etc etc.
He ended up on Movicol and back in nappies for another 6 months. A second go was far more successful and it was much less traumatic.

teacher54321 · 11/11/2016 06:20

My son would not poo in a potty or toilet until he was 4. Cut the kid some slack, she will be potty trained before school. They all are except real problem families.
Bikerlou I think that's quite a provocative statement. I have a friend whose child is still not potty trained for school despite trying for two years, they have intervention from a consultant and a specialist nurse. The child has impaction and soiling problems, but is not from a 'real problem family'. Loads of kids have problems pooing for a couple of weeks, in which case of course backing off and leaving it is the right course of action. However when this behaviour is entrenched you can't just leave it to 'sort itself out'. I tried that for over 6 months with precisely zero progress. Since ds potty trained at 2.11 he has never a wee accident since day two. He knew what he needed to do, but there was something psychological that was stopping him.

ocelot41 · 11/11/2016 06:34

Yup - poo training took ages here too. Wees sorted in a week but constipation, doctors appointments etc. There are some good kids story books which helped us. But mainly we used bubble wrap (which we called potty pop). He was only allowed it when sitting on the potty (supervised of course). The longer he sat, the more bubbles he got to pop - once the Movicol kicked in, that did the trick.

wonderwoo · 11/11/2016 07:48

I have read most of the thread but in a rush so apologies if I have missed something.

I just wanted to add that my son was toilet trained for wee but would not poo in a potty. He pooed in a pull up, whist standing next to the toilet for a whole year. I tried most things in the beginning and nothing worked. In fact, the more I tried, the more he dug his heels in. In the end I backed right off, and every now and then asked him to try the toilet. I think backing off helped to avoid witholding/constipation, also helped him to feel in control and that we were a team rather than opponents. It took a whole year for him to agree and now the pull ups are history.

I realise your dc is refusing pull ups still. Perhaps you could sit her down and say you understand she is finding it hard and you will not ask her to try toilet/potty whatever is bothering her. Tell her you are proud of her ans she is doing really well. Ask her how she wants to poo and follow her lead. Let her trust that you will not pressure her, and let it all settle down for a while. Then take it from there.

Ps try not to feel bad about losing it. I certainly have done it myself. Toilet training is really bloody stressful. As the PP said, she knows she is loved.

GreenGoblin0 · 12/11/2016 09:20

We had this with my daughter. in the end we just had to step back for a bit to take the pressure off her.

we then started reading a few books that seemed to help her - poo goes to pooland which you can download and print out and everybody poos which we borrowed from a friend.

the thing that really cracked it though was bubbles. when she said she needed the loo I sat her on there with a bottle of bubbles and let her blow them. I think having something to distract her helped as well as the act of blowing bubbles itself probably relaxed her muscles and helped the sensation of pushing.

lilyborderterrier · 12/11/2016 21:32

Same here my (4 in February) daughter will NOT poo in anything other than a nappy ( which she asks for and I reluctantly give her to poo in) I've tried all the above suggestions and it's good to see that I'm not alone. She goes to nursery 2 days a week and never Poos she waits until she gets home.

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