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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

does anyone else feel like this?

29 replies

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:01

Ds is now 2.4 and has always been independant and confident. He has spent a lot of time with family members and so is used to spending lots of time with various carers.

But he has never really expressed a preference for me ever. Its not just that he runs excitedly to other people and not me, he sees me more and so I know that is to be expected. But if he cries he'll go to anyone - me, dp, gps etc. If he's scared or upset or ill or whatever.

It sometimes feels like I'm the one who stayed up all night with him when he had colic, I'm the one who gave birth to him, I'm the one who is his MUMMY and it seems like I'm not special to him.

My mum thinks this is all in my head to a certain extent and that he is just a confident, sociable child. And I know I should be grateful that I don't have any problems with him and I am.

sorry that is self-indulgent I know but sometimes it hurts. He loves me I know, but no more than say granma who he sees a couple of times a week. And yes I am glad that it makes everything easier and that he is able of having so many close relationships with family but...

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Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:03

ok this probably should have been in the am I being unreasonable section so you could all answer 'yes'.

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colditz · 07/02/2007 23:04

wait until he gets to three. Little boys often go really sweet on their mummies when they are three.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:05

thanks. I know I should calm down about it but it bothers me when it shouldn't.

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hatwoman · 07/02/2007 23:12

don't under-estimate yourself. It's difficult i know - i have 2 dds who've both had phases of being daddy's girls - but they're a bit older now (6 and 4) and I'm a bit wiser - I've seen many a switch - some of them announced loudly at 8 am "I'm a mummy's girl now", others more subtle. Your relationship with ds will become more and more sophisticated, full of lovely nuances, special things that are only between you and him, and you'll store up more and more memories, which will all build your unique relationship. you are his mummy and you always will be. and no-one else can be. every relationship he has will be different and unique. go with the flow. you'll be fine.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:14

thanks.

am just about crying now so am going to concentrate on it being better later on. ITs stupid to affect me this much, but it really gets to me sometimes.

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Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:32

ok gonna write this down just to get it out my head.

I am not a brilliant mother. I am lucky to have a child that loves me. I need the help of others around me and a lot of support to function as a parent and I still find it hard. I have that support and only one child and I still feel like I should be coping better.

I have blagged my way this parenting lark for a couple of years now, but lets face it I ain't that good at it. Ds is a wonderful child but he gets so much time and attention and help and care from my parents and dp's parents. So he loves them as much as me cos they take better care of him.

That's what it comes down to in the end.

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colditz · 07/02/2007 23:34

What else is parenting, if not blagging? It's certainly what I do!

colditz · 07/02/2007 23:35

You only have to read some of the messages on here to see that even really bad mothers (which I really doubt you are) hold a very special place in their child's heart, even as that child gets to adulthood.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:36

my mum never blagged. SHe can cope with anything and always knows what to do.

I can't even get my child to eat ffs. He was dehydrated by 48hrs old cos I couldn't feed him.

When he was tiny I was confident and I didn't notice things I should have. NOw I never know what I'm doing.

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harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:37

armidillo you are being way too hard on yourself. if your child is happy and confident etc then you have done and are doing a very good job indeed.
EVERYONE needs support
EVERYONE needs help.

it would bother me too tbh, you aren't being unreasonable but you are NOT blagging, you are parenting and doing the very best for your child

harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:39

whether or not you were able to feed your baby at 48 hours is a. totally irrelevant and b. ancient history.
say something good about your parenting.
I'll start:
I have raised a happy confident and sociable child
your turn

DimpledThighs · 07/02/2007 23:41

you think yopur mum never blagged it but you didn't know she was - you were a child, and that is what your ds is a child. He may seem more interested in other people as they are different, new, a break in the routine.

You are the same, the usual, the routine and the constant - you are the life and the others come in and out, but the day to day is you.

You may feel others do it better but we all blag it. If your mum or someone comes and they put all their effort in that is because they only see him for a short period of time. They have the luxury of being able to focus solely on that - whereas you have the day to day life with him.

You are feeling low, but you are also making out that there is something wrong with day to day mothering being different from short intense bursts of play. You are the mother. Mother

hatwoman · 07/02/2007 23:42

it doesn't work like that. there's not a point system. please don;t get yourself screwed up like this. and blimey we're all blagging it aren't we? the first two years are incredibly intense - an unbelievably difficult time of constant adjustment - and maybe you thought that at 2 you'd somehow be out of the woods, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and other silly phrases - you'd have reached some equilibrium and start getting more back. it's so not like that. it keeps on coming, all these hurdles and difficulties - it's probably at about that age I started to realise there is no such thing as perfect parenting, as calm equilibrium. maybe you're exhausted and need a break? maybe you're utterly wholly human and normal. I'm off to bed now but please remember we all have misgivings about our parenting skills but we do all have our good points. think of a couple of things - things that you and no-one else does, that make him smile.

DimpledThighs · 07/02/2007 23:42

my sister is a wonderful mother.

He dd got dehydrated as she couldn't feed for the first 48hrs.

My sister is a wonderful mother.

harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:44

do you REALLY think that your mopther, that any of us, knows what we are doing? that we are all certain of our decisions??
nope, we are all just "blagging" if you like - I prefer to say we are doing our best.
you are combining motherhood with studying - no bloody easy task for a start.
you are studying for a better future for your child, I bet.
you are doing a great job.
be kinder to yourself.
I must go to bed but I will come back to this thread in the morning and you had better hae posted something positive

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:44

he doesn't eat properly now. Food and ds is a nightmare. Its better than it used to be but the fact that we're talking years before he is going to eat properly gets me.

Good things about my parenting um.

I can get him to brush his teeth and not just eat the toothpaste.

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harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:45

(oh and you have great taste in music too - I have just looked at your profile )

hatwoman · 07/02/2007 23:46

ok you beat me on that one! we're on about 2 tubes of toothpaste a week in teh hat house . i really have to go to bed now. night night

Lizzylou · 07/02/2007 23:47

Motherhood is just trial and error like anything else.....please don't feel bad.
You have obv raised a happy and confident child. My friend has a child who will not leave her side, ever, he is almost 3. I know I would prefer a sociable, happy child who is confident enough to go out and explore (perhaps because I have one!).
Don't beat yourself up, there is no "Motherhood exam", no pass or fail.

harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:47

lots and lots of 2 year old don't eat much.
my two year old didn't eat much. it means dick all about your abilities as a mother.
I am a great mother.so are you.
do you make him laugh?

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:47

thanks for the kind comments. I absolutely adore my son. Every part of him and everything he does (well most of it)

Seriously my mum is superhuman though.

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harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:48

night night.
Be. Kind. To. Yourself.

first thing in the morning, look in the mirror and say I am a great mother and i am doing a great job.

and believe it

harpsichordcarrier · 07/02/2007 23:49

there you are you see.
you have a great capacity for love and the ability to express it towards your son.
that is the key really. it all comes down to love in the end. Love is the thing that matters.

Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:50

the eating thing is a long one. Its very complicated. Its partly psychological (on mine and his part) and partly to do with intolerences.

But it has made me think of something. A year ago we were in living hell with his eating. He used to go for days without anything and when he did eat it was often very little.

NOw he eats regularly. It may be very restricted but he eats. And that took a lot of damn hard work. And I was part of that.

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Original poster

TheArmadillo · 07/02/2007 23:56

yes I make him laugh. And he makes me laugh. And I probably the only person who can fully understand him when he talks (most of the time).

I wish there was a motherhood exam - I'm good at studying.

My confidence was knocked by his eating. And the lack of support from the NHS. Its difficult coming to terms with a) the day to day constant watching of what he eats and trying to work out a balanced diet.
and
b) the comments I have had on my failure to make him eat. These I think have knocked me the most. Comments from people I trusted and who I asked for help.

Everytime I think I'm over it and can cope with it it comes up again. It knocks my confidence with parenting right over.

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