Just screamed at my 11 month old, again

[Danity856]

I put her to bed and as soon as I'm downstairs at my computer she was up and crying. I went and up and I screamed at her :( "GET TO SLEEEEEP!"

this has happened a handful of times already not just this one time!

I have a business and this month is really important for sales. Everyday my to do list increases tenfold but most days I barely scratch two things off the list. My 11 month old DD is looked after for about 4 hours one day a week and that is really the longest period of time I have at once to work otherwise she is looked after on tuesday for 6 hours in the day but that is because I am actively selling at my pop up shop. I mostly wait until she is asleep to work on my business. Sometimes I have been able to get lots of work in at night time and evening times but recently she is teething...

After I raise my voice she looks shocked, goes completely silent and looks away from me and falls asleep. Why does she do this? Have I completely terrified her to silence?

Now that I have told you everything please can someone help me to come up with some solution or solutions to the problem of my anger and impatience with her lately? I can't give up on the business, it's getting National recognition, huge investment opportunity, and support from most well known charities. it's a ground breaking business with an important cause behind it and I think everyone will be disappointed in me if I put it to bed... but at the same time it's at an early stage where despite the recognition the investment is not confirmed and I can't actually afford to employ help or even to put funds into child care, my mum will only look after dd for one day atm .

On top of all that I feel like I'm going looney, when I don't get the time in a night to work I have realistic dreams that I complete the tasks I needed to, so much so that I failed to do a key thing this week because I literally though I had done it...

Thank you people for the advice. I feel pretty sure in my next steps and options from here.

And the work doesn't need to be pushed this hard. I'd much rather succeed at making sure dd feels loved and safe then making sure the business works.

Night night!

Your post made me sad and yes I am judging. Shouting at your 11m old baby because she won't go to sleep in the way you described is cruel, upsetting and sad. She's a bloody baby for gods sake, sometimes they do play up going to sleep.

Also shocked to hear others have sympathised and said they have shouted at their babies like that. My baby is far from perfect and I'm a far from perfect mum but I would never scream or shout at a helpless bloody baby. Wow just wow.

Mumto2uk

Good for you ! Maybe you haven't had the same amount of stress that the OP has had or you cope better than most.... Not useful or supportive

Mumto2uk DFOD. The OP didn't post for validation about shouting, she came on for a sounding board and support. What she is doing is fucking amazing but also amazingly hard. And as a woman she is absolutely expected to do all the childcare - a bloke in the same position, ie single parent, would be on bloody breakfast television being lauded for his efforts, whereas woman just have to suck it up AND read pointless judgemental shitty posts like yours.

You couldn't be more further away from that statement ... I've had a bloody awful time actually not going to put my son story on here as not about me. Nothing absolutely nothing warrants shouting in the way (and even says AGAIN so had happened more than once) to a baby.. Nothing sorry.

Danity856 - good luck, hope you find some practical solutions .

Does DD sleep in the day ? Could you do reciprocal arrangement with another mum for a few hours .

It's not about men or women, childcare or business... Seeing a post titled "I just shouted at my 11m old again" is disturbing and I feel sorry for the poor baby.

Personally I think it's refreshing that a mum can admit it openly ideally without fear of being judged ...[hmmm]

Firstly, ignore all of those saying 'omg you shouted at your child your such a bad person blah blah'

Most people who juggle work and kids at some point have lost it and shouted at there kids. I have a few times. Yes they cried, as did I! Guess what, a few years and years later, they love me, I love them, and they are not emotionally damaged!

My suggestion (from someone who's been there with sleep) take 2 weeks off work (if you can) and get into a routine. So say 6pm supper and warm drink, half 6 warm bubbly bath, then pjs on. Tucked up for 7 and a nice relaxing story. Make sure she has everything she needs to hand (I found a non spill water cup in bed help with the thirsty requests a lot). If she wakes, go in and say it's night time now, go to sleep. After that any waking just put her back down to sleep but no contact. They soon learn it's not getting them any response so they go to sleep. After s few months we got to the point where we could just say go to sleep it's night time, over the baby monitor and they went back to sleep.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Your doing the best you can. Once you get bedtime fracked you'll find you have a peaceful evening to chill work in

Would she sleep better beside you? I WFH PT in the evenings. One of mine went through a stage of waking every half hour if I wasn't there so I ended up just bringing her and my laptop into my bed. It worked with my son subsequently. Just a thought.

Mumto2uk you've entirely missed the point of the thread. The op outlined what had happened AND THEN ASKED FOR HELP. So keeping your pointless judgements to yourself would be more useful.

Mumto2uk at least she can talk about it and I hope if anything happened to you or your family you would get the same understanding and compassion. To judge a loan parent who is trying to provide for her child its not an easy life to live. Brexit has started and its going to be shitty for the next few years everything will cost more. Well done to the op for trying maybe wait until she is a little older and the teething is over don't give up.

Asking someone again is hardly 'guilt-tripping', balesofhay.

I can easily imagine a situation in the future where my DD needed ongoing help, and I would make sure that what I offered was sustainable. Ie I still had time to do things for myself, and it wasn't going to cause me to burn out/let her down or cause friction between us in future.

But if her business was about to fail, or she might miss mortgage payments, or she was just really struggling, of course I would want her to tell me, and we would see what we could work out.

As someone who has run my own business with young children / babies I sympathise. My children are now a bit older and so I can reflect and draw on experience. It is near-on impossible to work effectively with an older baby / toddler to entertain. Yes, when they're asleep you can put in a few hours, but that is a lot of pressure on you and them if, for whatever reason, the sleep doesn't happen. And babies of this age sometimes don't settle. Teeth, illness, whatever. Don't get cross with the baby, it's not their fault.
Get yourself some daytime childcare for an extra day or two a week and take the pressure off. If you're not keen on nursery or a childminder, could your partner put in for flexible working (e.g 4 longer days to effectively have a day 'off', or work a 'day' from home which could be achieved by making up a couple of hours each evening?). Do you have a friend or relative with a young child that you could reciprocate with - you each have both children for a day / morning a week so that you each get time to yourself.

Agree that explaining the situation and asking for some extra help isn't guilt tripping, but then some people do seem to think that grandparents shouldn't possibly be expected to want to help out their own families. Most odd.

Good luck, OP. It sounds like you have a good plan in place. I think it's great you've asked for help and are going to make changes before this becomes a habit. Your daughter won't remember or be harmed by this handful of times but you do need to make sure it doesn't continue. Fwiw I think you have an incredible amount on your plate and completely understand why you snapped.

Other practical advice would be more tv, and maybe leaving her to cry a bit in the evenings rather than feeling you have to do something every time. These may not be ideal. It are both fine and much better than shouting.

I felt bad when I screamed at my 6 month old too op I had been suffering migraines for several days and on top of everything recieved some bad news, he had a bad day teething and nothing I did help we are all human at the end of the day there's no need for the posters coming out with pitch folks saying your cruel there's no rule book about parenting and we do make mistakes along the way, is there anyone who could have her afew hours so you could get your work done?

This happened a few times to me when my daughter was between 6-12 months old. "JUST GO TO SLEEP"! She usually looked a bit surprised then carried on doing whatever she was doing, it didn't really have any effect. I felt terrible afterwards of course. I realised on reflection it was generally only happening when I had other things to do right then, that felt super important, and DH wasn't around, and my stress levels went through the roof. But usually, these things weren't that important or vital that I did them right then and there. (Obviously your work does sound much more important than my stuff but like you say, not impossible to rearrange things a little. Interestingly my "stuff" was also related to working at home for myself but it was only a small part of our income so not the same at all).
Once I twigged this things calmed down and it didn't happen again; honestly I just left her to cry for a little while if I was feeling like I might shout at her, she was older than 1 at this point and secure enough that she was fine to cry for a few minutes on her own. Plus it got to the stage where she was starting to become her own little person not a baby and I really became conscious that I needed to start modelling the behaviour I wanted to see in her. Now she's nearly two and when I occasionally shout at her (it's usually a spontaneous thing when I catch her doing something potentially dangerous) she just laughs at me... so I don't feel like those few occasions had any lasting impact on her. However, I'm glad I managed to stop it when I did.
Sounds like you have a good plan to try and make life a bit less full on. It will be good for both of you. You sound like an amazing person!!

I think you've got to at least change the bedtime situation.

You'll be feeling wound up and think that once she's asleep you can work but then she doesn't sleep and you lash out on her

You need to stop shouting at her. I speak as someone who does shout at their older DCs and hate myself for it.

I've taken steps to help calm down - it's nearly always bedtime that's my flashpoint. I've started listening to an audio book called calm parenting and it has really helps. Once I don't listen to it for a while, I slip back in to bad habits.

You kind of need to be guilted in to realising what the consequences are of shouting at your baby. She will absorb it and it's harder to undo. Shouting isn't made better by being nice the rest of the time.

Please get childcare sorted. ASAP.

Yes, what you are trying to do might be unsustainable, been there, and its difficult to accept that something has to give when you're in the middle of it all because it just seems like nothing possibly can! My circumstances weren't anywhere near as difficult as yours either. It does become a bit easier as they get more interested in tv though....
Anyway, sounds like you've taken stock and found some room for adjustment, that's great.

As far as shouting goes, I'm terrible for this (really hoping that 3 is the most difficult age and that a shouty parent doesn't actually scar children for life) but sometimes manage to sing it instead of shout as I feel myself snap - so still the same words and volume but like a snippit of bad opera or am dram - usually releases the the tension for me and makes the kids laugh so can completely turn the moment around. Doesn't make them do what I ask though, and I must look like a loon...

OP I'm new on this board and haven't read the second page. What I would say is, learn how to step away.

You put her down to sleep, she cried, you went back and in shouted at her. Why? It is so much better to simply stay away from her when you can feel the anger rising.

Sorry if that sounds harsh- I absolutely understand why you shouted and have done it myself. But what I have always realised is that I should have just removed myself from the situation. Go into your bedroom and scream into a pillow if you have to.

As mums we are told that was have to be with or babies constantly, but that leads to situations like these where we will literally walk back into the nursery just to shout at them. Because in the heat of the moment, all we can think is "the baby's crying, I have to go to her" when everything else inside us is screaming "arrrrrgggghhh I can't take any more!!"

Step away. And you're doing so much, good luck with your business venture.

There's some truly amazing people here, that never get frustrated and angry with their small children. I've done it, and felt bloody bad about it, but it happens.

Practical help - before you go to her room when she's crying, look at a photo of her that you love, one where she's happy and smiling. As you're going to her room, keep repeating 'i love her, I love her', out loud or in your head. This helps me.

You're doing a great job.

Just a little message to say chin up, if you were a bad mum you wouldn't feel bad about what happened. I think you need to sit down and create a solution where you have enough time to yourself to get your work done. It's not going to get better without that.

11 months they get really clingy and just want their mummy. But it's hard when you're exhausted. I don't know your situation (or your baby!) But make sure she sleeps well in the day... like someone else said over tiredness can create really disruptive sleep.

Hope it gets better

Op I've been there when I've been at the end of my tether. I've Usually burst into tears straight after.

Sounds like you're making steps to minimise the stress, and hopefully get more sleep too.

I find puffing out my cheeks helps me not get so angry for some reason. And deep breaths, counting to 10 etc.

Mumto2uk I wonder what your home life situation is. Do you have a startup business like the op? Do you have a partner around unlike the op? Do you have family close at hand and friends in your area that you've grown up with unlike me?

Don't judge until you walk a mile in others' shoes. Sounds like you've got it alllll worked out! Bully for you!