Anyone else regret having children?

[Mol1628]

If given the choice, would you turn the clock back and have a child free life.

I'm desperately sad. I love my children very much but I preferred life before and I want it back. I'm just a frazzled mess all the time with no confidence. I wake up and cry knowing it's just another day of dealing with crying arguing whingy children. They're 3 and 1. I know it will probably eventually get better, but this is 4 years that I've spend miserable and struggling. Can't have nice holidays or days out because the kids make it stressful, house it a tip and we don't have time to sort it. Just feel like I don't see the point.

The kids are fine, I do a lot with them, they're very loved. But how I wish I could turn back the clock and no go through this.

Has anyone ever felt this total despair with young children and it's got completely better to the point where you are glad that you had them? Because I can't imagine life being better than it would have been if I'd not had them.

Added to this of course is the extreme guilt that there are so many people that would do anything to have two healthy children and a loving partner. But I'm so miserable.

I crave a week alone. In the middle of nowhere.

It's my 40th birthday at the end of this month. I've made it very clear to DH and all relatives that the only thing I want is for a rally around to arrange full days and overnight babysitting for our four children. Then I want a week's holiday, just me and DH, doing nothing.

That is the only thing I want

I love my children beyond words. I love spending time with them and I love, love, LOVE being a mum. That doesn't stop me hankering after child-free time with no responsibilities.

Oh FATE I'm 40 next year and had been thinking of exotic things to do but not without the dc. I can't believe that actually a week in Spain anywhere with just dh and me didn't make it to the top of my list! I'm going to see if it's an option now

And Mol some days l fantasise about life without dc but l really wouldn't want that. It's friggen hard work though, and boring as hell most days. But life is a lot more fun with them.

Although l look at people with 3 dc and wonder what the he'll they were thinking!

I think that about anyone with more than 1 Cath. Heard today of someone about to have their 4th and I just shuddered

It's funny. People always look to the other side where the grass is greener. I look at my child free friends and think 'why don't you just go on 5 holidays a year, or take up a hobby,or go abseiling on a whim? Because that's what I imagine I would be doing if I had the time and money back that I now spend on my kids. But of course, they don't. My 20's looking back were one long party, interspersed with some work, to facilitate the parties and holidays. I wanted children. Now I work with people who spent their 20's having children and now have teenagers. They are freer than me, with my 5 and 8 year old, but it's all a process. The pre school years are hard. It does get easier. Some people don't do babies, but love the older children. Maybe once your eldest is in nursery you can do a course or look I to work, just so it's not so relentless?

My children are two years apart. My eldest wasn't a bad baby and basically I thought I had it sussed. Was rather embarrassingly quite smug about it. Then my youngest came along and was basically the shittest sleeper of any baby that I have ever had. At the same time my eldest hit the worse terrible twos --(and despite being nearly six is just as challenging)--. I had very little family support and although my DH was great, I very nearly went mad. Most of the time things are better now, though at the end of the holidays I'm reaching for the gin. Hugs

Thanks everyone. Week one into eldest being at nursery every morning and I'm already feeling a lot better and can enjoy my time with him more after having a short regular break.
I've also bought some of my favourite cosmetics that I haven't used for ages and I'm making time on an evening to use them and my mental health is already improving I think.

The way I look at it is yes there's things I'm missing out on but would I want to miss out on what I get now? Never it's so much harder now but as cliche as it sounds it's so much better, it's so boring when I'm left alone now

Most days yes. I have a 1 year old and 3 year old and if I'm not parenting I'm working. It's shit. Totally and utterly shit.

I have no regrets actually. I spent all of my 20s young free and single and building my career. Lived with friends and also had a flat on my own for a while.

I still remember that low-level anxious feeling that it might never happen for me. That I might never meet the right man or have kids.

When I finally did happen it was such a relief. I'm sure I would've made a very good single, childless life for myself if circumstances had been different. But I would choose this life every time.

Having said all that, I have a toddler and it is really, really hard. They are so demanding. Constant engagement and boundary testing all the time. On my days off with her I feel like I mustn't stop moving. If I stand still for a second a get clambered on and mauled and there are endless shouts of 'mummyyyyyy!'

I can completely see how, if that was my daily life, with a baby added into the mix, I would get to a dark place mentally quite quickly.

OP I don't think you regret having children but I do think you need some respite. Either get them, or you out of the house for a bit so that you're not in each other's faces all the time.

It's good your oldest is starting nursery soon. Any option for getting a few hours away from the little one too?

I sympathise. Money for childcare is tight for us and we have no family help at all. It's vary hard in a 'death by a thousand cuts' type of way.

I only regretted it when I had teenagers.

But I loved it when they were all little. I think we all have different strengths at different stages OP. Hopefully you are nearly through your most testing time.

Yes I have a 1 yo and a 3yo and I feel like this a lot too! I work 4 days per week so they're not even WITH me all the time but I still find life relentless and exhausting and dare I say it rather boring???

Ds2 is 14mo and I am just remembering how utterly fucking annoying toddlers are: everything's a battle. I have to squash his chest with my thigh in order to change his nappy. Screams at every tooth brushing, getting into the buggy, into the car, if I leave the toilet door open he throws stuff down the loo....! The list goes on. It's bloody annoying.

Ds1 is nearly 4 now and in isolation he is getting much easier. Me and DH try to divide and conquer for at least half a day each weekend (I take the older one swimming whilst he pops round to see his mum with the baby for example) and although it means we don't spend so much time together as a family, they're much easier 1-on-1! The older one behaves better when he is away from the baby and there's no refereeing of fights over toys etc. I can actually enjoy a conversation with the eldest one now and have fun swimming and a cake/cuppa afterwards with him and it's all good fun. This is a real achievement as he was an awful baby and toddler really hard work, defiant, whiney nightmare! Spending time with him alone allows me to realise what a lovely little boy he is growing into. And to escape from the horror of toddlerdom for an hour or so!

DH and I keep saying to each other "we just have to survive until ds2 is 3 then he will have all his teeth, not be napping any more (so sleeping better at night) and we will be able to have loads of ace fun days out....so 2018 should be fun...!

hahahaha Bot once again I could have written your post! Except in my case DD1 is still bloody hard work (better the last week or so... please god let it last...) whereas DD2 is not toooo difficult although she is getting harder as she gets closer to 2.

OP, I too have a 3 and 1 year old and day to day it is often pretty shit. Our pre-DC life was lovely. But here's what stops me regretting it:

1. I know that if I hadn't had children, I'd be looking at all the people with children and envying them. I wouldn't know the realities and would be horribly broody. And I would be a bit bored with neverending years of DINKY life.

2. I work 4 days a week. Saves my sanity. Sorry not helpful to you.

3. I am thinking of the long term, as after 4+ they (reputedly) get easier. Not as easy as pre-DC life, but more interesting (see (1)).

Why did we decide to have 2? Probably because our eldest would have been an utter horror if she'd been an only child

I think I probably shouldn't have had children, with hindsight. Mine are much older, so it's not tiredness from toddlers making me say that.

Don't feel awful. We are human and if we are honest would admit that life was more fun and easier without our children. I would not say I was happier. I had more money, more free time, holidays ect but not happier. It was the natural order of life for me. I wanted children and was prepared for them when I fell on. Mine are 4 & 1, it's a nightmare and I sometimes threaten (in my head) to leave them on a doorstep but on cheeky smile soon has me forgetting how I now look like crap, with bad roots, stretch marks and a house that looks like a bond hit it. Regret is a wasted emotion. It will get easier and you will find a happy medium. Hang in there and lots of love you you and your babies. Xxx

Yes, if I'd had known how brittle my diabetes was to become, or that we'd have autism with ds1, I definitely wouldn't have.

Mine are older too (12 and 7) and I feel terrible for saying I often feel like that lately. They don't keep me up and I get time while they are at school but my twelve year old has drama after drama so that even when alone I worry and that keeps me awake too.

I also don't have the support network and bond with other parents that a lot seem to have. My marriage is in poor shape too as we can't agree on anything

Yep. I have done. And I've also felt particularly regretful at times for not sticking to 2. But if course I love them. They were very much wanted and I am ok at the moment.
I try not to get into a cycle of these negative thoughts because it's unhealthy and they are mine and not going anywhere, nor would I want them too.
It might be worth you looking into Cbt to help, you can usually send refer without seeing GP.
I do also remember how hard it was having a '3 yo and 1 yo. So, so, so hardwork. Do not underestimate that.

Btw I have 3dcs 7,5 and 2. But hardest bit of all, so far, was having a 1 and 3 year old. Even harder than now with 3.

Wow you're all so nice I thought i would get flamed. It's not that's don't love them and I'd do anything for them but overall it's all just pretty shit.
Interesting that a few people have said a 1 and 3 year old has been the hardest combination. Im trying to get out of the house without them more and do stuff just for me.

How much support and time for yourself do you have? I think that's so important. I felt like this when my child was 3 but I was a single parent and it was so draining. Things became markedly easier when he was 5, because he stopped being quite as frustrating.

I'm really lucky my husband is great but he's out of the house from 6-4:30 Monday to Friday so I'm on my own then we have to spend weekends catching up with housework and general boring life stuff.
I do baby groups and have acquaintances from there but no friends as such. It's pretty lonely
Better now 3yo is at pre school every day though.

Take heart. I could have written this when mine were that age, so I know exactly how you feel. Mine are now teens, but looking back I think I was the teeniest bit depressed and didn't know that I could have done with help. I didn't have family around me.To get perspective you need distance. You need to be somewhere where you are called by your name - not Mummy or Mrs mother of.... It will get better, honest, but you could help things along by making time for yourself and, more importantly, finding something to fill it. Good luck.

That's the thing when I do get time I'm pretty exhausted and miserable so I just want to watch tv. I tried to read a book recently I just don't have the brain function to do it anymore!

I loved the early years and wished I had had my children earlier in life. However things changed for me. My dc will never be independent and I do think why me a lot.

Having said that if I didn't have children I wonder if I would feel a sense of longing and emptiness.