Anyone else regret having children?

[Mol1628]

If given the choice, would you turn the clock back and have a child free life.

I'm desperately sad. I love my children very much but I preferred life before and I want it back. I'm just a frazzled mess all the time with no confidence. I wake up and cry knowing it's just another day of dealing with crying arguing whingy children. They're 3 and 1. I know it will probably eventually get better, but this is 4 years that I've spend miserable and struggling. Can't have nice holidays or days out because the kids make it stressful, house it a tip and we don't have time to sort it. Just feel like I don't see the point.

The kids are fine, I do a lot with them, they're very loved. But how I wish I could turn back the clock and no go through this.

Has anyone ever felt this total despair with young children and it's got completely better to the point where you are glad that you had them? Because I can't imagine life being better than it would have been if I'd not had them.

Added to this of course is the extreme guilt that there are so many people that would do anything to have two healthy children and a loving partner. But I'm so miserable.

[GettingUntrapped]

I have an eight-year-old and a 13-year old. Should have had just one. Parenting is all giving and self sacrificing and I'm constantly surprised that people, especially women put up with the stifling reality of it. It's practically 20 years of your life sacrificing your own needs for someone else who is mostly ungrateful. And 'society' polices it so heavily that's it's hard to stick your neck out and say you aren't happy.

[melissa1215]

In the very early days after bringing DS home I did feel that way, and he was super planned and an IVF baby. I was in so much pain, it was a lot of change and I mourned my life before but it did get better.

Occasionally from time to time I do think "I don't want to do this, I wish I didn't have to do this" but I'm still in the first year of being a mum so I don't know if that's normal.

[mumcop]

Don't beat yourself up op. I think everyone has thought this one time or another. I know I did. Enjoy the good times. And try and remember it doesn't last forever! They are at school before you know it!

[FTMF30]

@firefly103 What makes you feel that way?

[AJP999]

I have a 13 year old boy, and in my experience it gets worse rather than better. He was much easier to deal with when he was younger. Life with him now is a constant battle. I never wanted children, but my husband did. I wish I had stuck to my guns and stayed childless.

[firefly103]

This is an old post but I've just seen it. I've got four adult kids and I regret ever having kids. I loved being a mum when they were small, even as teenagers, although it was bloody difficult, but now I wish I had never bothered

[problembottom]

OP I have an 11-month-old and I miss everything about my life before. I don’t understand people who say life was meaningless before kids, mine was bloody brilliant! Having a 1 and a 3 year old sounds incredibly difficult but it sounds like you’re doing a great job so you need to give yourself a break.

[Lorilu00]

I am different than most here, I guess... My children are 29 & 27- just had my first grandchild Nov 1st- he reminds me so much of the sweet way it was when mine were little I LOVED being a mom to my children till about age 11 ish- I had a boy 1st) and a girl who just had the baby my son too will have his first child in late March.
I could not have had a better time of it when they were little except for the fact that my husband was not a provider to say the least and I worked long hours at nursing and still managed to spend days and homeschool my kids.. to this day their father is shameless of his lack of support...BUT the worse came later as they became adults- at about age 16 they could not wait to get out on their own except when they needed money (esp my son).. rarely call, hardly notice we are alive- only friends matter to both far more than we do--
….. my son married a girl that is as far counter culture as you can get & and is always ready for a political fight... I was on cloud nine with my kids and never felt better- by the same token no one has hurt more than them when they ignore or insist I "take the way my daughter-in-law whines to get all over to her super different way of thinking- also always throwing digs out- she totally ruined our Thanksgiving this year and frankly I do not want to spend another with "the crowd"again… I will find a way to escape to a warmer place & blame the old bones in need of sunshine for not sticking around I regret not doing what I was doing when I met their father after my first love working hard, saving & just enjoying life- I know I would always wish I would have had them not knowing what I know now but I continue to cry often in silence of hurt and feelings like all I did was unappreciated and like such an outcast in my own family.

[Raspberry1717]

I realise this thread is old now but I'm having a difficult time, googled "regret having kids" and this thread popped up. Im curious how Mol1628 and anyone else who commented is feeling now, 3 years on?

I have 1 child who's 2.5 and I struggle. Dont get me wrong, she's amazing and i love her but i sometimes feel like i made the wrong decision having her and have told my husband i don't want any more. I feel awful for having these thoughts.

[Sunnie1984]

I think everyone had days when they wish to go back to the childcfree days, who doesn't wish that freedom was possible!

I think you are in the hardest part with two so young (18 months between my first two).

Not working can make you feel suffocated. I know one or two friends who love being at home but most mum's I speak to go to work partially for their own sanity. It's hard to miss someone when they are sat on your lap 24/7!

School/nursery will make a big difference as you will only have one.

Friends of ours said that everything changes when the youngest is 5 or so, as they are so much more independent.

Hang on in there.

Oh and see your GP. I ended up with PND from being at home with no job, sounds like you are there too xxx

[Lilybo7]

I regret it all the time - DD is 20 months and I love her but know my life would have been a lot happier and more fulfilling if we'd stayed childfree. I work full time but feel trapped into such a small world now and get so stressed at no 'me' time. I miss my old life like crazy, find it very lonely and boring at weekends (no friends have children and all the mum groups take place in the week). whereas before we'd have been out and about everywhere, lie-ins, weekends away, chilling out, nice lunches and roadtrips. Everything is just such hard work now and weekends aren't relaxing, they're just trying to find things to fill the days with. Just being honest. I am having counselling too but at the end of the day it's a situation that isn't going to change so I need to accept it.

[GlitterGlassEye]

When ds was born, I cried so much due to lack of sleep and loss of freedom but he's 13 now and he's amazing. I've had another 2 dc since (big gaps) and the youngest is only 2, I look horrendous and knackered but I know it gets better so I can see the light at the end of the sleep deprived tunnel.

[karenlovesgloves]

I think it can feel impossible for women to say "I don't enjoy being a stay at home mum" and not be met with eye rolling judgment. I'll hold my hands up and say that motherhood is something I find extremely hard and the staying at home bit really doesn't come naturally to me. (There were days I hated it and hated everyone I encountered!)

I start law school next week and have never felt so excited in all my life (ironically I have and that was before giving birth each time!) I really understand how you feel and don't judge you or think you're a bad person or mum. Sending hugs and love.

[INXS]

I know just how you feel OP.

Here's the thing about my situation - I have help! DS goes to nursery 3 full days a week and I work 2 of those days. So I get a whole lovely free day every week, just for me, to catch up on admin/cleaning and also to relax.

And it's still not enough :( Am clearly a princess. But I just want time to myself to potter and make things and read. I love it on those days off, and when DS is back in the evening it's like I just go straight back to square one.

[donajimena]

I felt the same as you OP. I also have the same age gap. It really does get better. I did work part time when they were that age and it saved my sanity.
They are both in high school now and they are fab company and I get to go out a lot more. People don't mind babysitting older children and I even leave them for short periods so I get to the gym or a dance class.
When I see my neighbours with young toddlers I feel sorry for them having to parent young ones. They may well love it but my reaction shows just how utterly miserable I was.
So in answer to your question I don't regret a single thing but I do feel the early years was endurance rather than enjoyment

[splendide]

I definitely have moments of real envy of my childfree friends. That doesn't mean I wish I hadn't had DS.

I also try not to let the negative thoughts spiral too much. I do little internal mantras that I learned when I did CBT for PND when DS was tiny. So I was on the floor of DS' room at 4am this morning trying to get him to lie down and go back to sleep and I couldn't stop (silently!) crying. But then I just started saying myself "it will all get easier with time and you're doing the best you can". I honestly find it quite helpful.

[Aoibhe]

I don't regret mine, but there are many things I miss about the old 'me'. I miss the small things like being able to listen to the song on the radio in the car without a small child asking me a question.

There was a thread recently on AIBU about people who'd never had kids and honestly, I envied a lot of what they had to say.

[Msqueen33]

Yes feeling it again right now as my three year old screams at me having been up all night again. Then I feel terrible as she has autism so it's not her fault but by fuck is it wearing.

[PacificOcean]

I got back into reading when my youngest was 3, after years of only being able to read mindless chick lit, so that will come too!

For those people up thread who were wondering why anyone has three DC, I'm that person who had two easy well behaved DC followed by a nightmare challenging third DC! Mine are all at primary school now and I'm back at work (was a SAHM when they were little) and it's all so much easier and more enjoyable. I do still occasionally fantasise about the lovely clean little flat in town just for me that splendide mentioned!

[GoldFishFingerz]

Can you get some time to yourself? Does your DH have the kids so you get a break? It gets easier with time. Exercise helps, early nights, getting rid of clutter so there's less stuff to deal with

[Yayme]

I loved the early years and wished I had had my children earlier in life. However things changed for me. My dc will never be independent and I do think why me a lot.

Having said that if I didn't have children I wonder if I would feel a sense of longing and emptiness.

[Mol1628]

That's the thing when I do get time I'm pretty exhausted and miserable so I just want to watch tv. I tried to read a book recently I just don't have the brain function to do it anymore!

[simbobs]

Take heart. I could have written this when mine were that age, so I know exactly how you feel. Mine are now teens, but looking back I think I was the teeniest bit depressed and didn't know that I could have done with help. I didn't have family around me.To get perspective you need distance. You need to be somewhere where you are called by your name - not Mummy or Mrs mother of.... It will get better, honest, but you could help things along by making time for yourself and, more importantly, finding something to fill it. Good luck.

[Mol1628]

I'm really lucky my husband is great but he's out of the house from 6-4:30 Monday to Friday so I'm on my own then we have to spend weekends catching up with housework and general boring life stuff.
I do baby groups and have acquaintances from there but no friends as such. It's pretty lonely
Better now 3yo is at pre school every day though.

[BertieBotts]

How much support and time for yourself do you have? I think that's so important. I felt like this when my child was 3 but I was a single parent and it was so draining. Things became markedly easier when he was 5, because he stopped being quite as frustrating.