Feel like I'm totally failing with my baby

[passingthrough1]

So I've been trying to get my baby asleep now for almost 12 hours, since before 10pm last night. He's normally terrible with nights anyway but I'm now kind of used to a few hours sleep only. Tonight I have actually not slept and I just don't even have the energy to do anything anymore.
All I know how to do is feed him and then we get into these terrible feeding cycles where he's clearly had too much, starts spitting everything up and then gets distressed and looks for comfort so he feeds more and spits that up. We end up both lying on the bed crying with milk all over us. I just feel like I should know what to do for him.
He's a very windy baby and seems constipated and in discomfort like he's pushing and straining so much of the day despite the fact that he is dirtying a nappy every few hours. When he's on the changing table I move his legs clockwise and do bicycle legs to help him push it out, but once he does do a poo he's almost immediately straining for the next one.
I hate that he seems in so much distress and all I do is seem to make it worse. I'm really just not sure how much longer I can do this. Please tell me this stage ends? He's a month.

Call your health visitor round - they'll give you the advice you need.

Has baby slept at all since 10pm?

Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?

And how long are you winding him for after he finishes a feed?

Hi- we are 2 weeks beyond you- I was EXACTLY where you are and couldnt imagine things getting better, then only a few nights ago something changed and after doing another round of the streets in the pram begging DC to sleep, he fell asleep on way home, stayed asleep on transfer to crib and then slept through from 10pm to 2am, and back asleep 3-5:30ish so not perfect sleep but improving. A few weeks ago I thought I'd have to give up on sleep for good. It will get better!

Do you know, he sounds an awful lot like my boy, who suffered with terrible reflux until we figured out that that's what it was. Get your health visitor to see what they think.

Will he sleep in a pram? If so, could you go for a walk and get him to sleep, and hope he stays asleep when you get home so you can have a rest too?

2 of my DCs has reflux and was exact same as your describing
I would contact health visitor they will advise you what to try

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though my 2 grew out of it by. 4 months

Breast.
I've had someone look at him and he has pretty bad tongue tie, but despite that we're seemingly still able to make it worse (he's tracking the weight line well and dirtying nappies like crazy), but it is probably that that is causing him to be windier than a normal BF baby. Given he's gaining and I'm able to feed him, I don't want to give up really.

Nights are always terrible for some reason (I am so so jealous of parents who complain their baby wakes up 3 times a night. Even on a good day he'll wake once and then stay agitated for half the night), he sleeps OK in the day. And I can cope on weekends when I have my partner, but he works very long hours and starts early so I do the nights myself and only have about 2 hours of support in the evening which just isn't enough when I'm feeling like this.

He seems to be quietening down now so I just hope we can get a few hours.

Make it work that should say - not make it worse.

Could you try a dummy if he is using sucking as a comfort?

Tilting the cot may help or using a bouncer in the eve so you can get a few hours kip before you go to bed. Being (safely) at an angle can help keep it down. But you must get health visitor round

Mine was bf and was very windy too. Infacol helped a bit. still, get the health visitor round anyway. What's happening with the tongue tie? Hope you get some kip now...have you got a bouncing chair? That was my saviour at this age. Popped them in it and lay on the sofa next to them, bouncing them to sleep then falling asleep myself

www.preciouslittleone.com/product-information/56/41994/mamas-and-papas-bubble-bouncer-(2-by-2)/?gclid=CjwKEAjw26C9BRCOrKeYgJH17kcSJACb-HNAKbdZ8u4sZR2rmArGb2-GNzT8dkHTJux5gVlhqfTnQhoCUu_w_wcB

You need the help of your HV, midwife or doctor because that sounds terrible.

Does he take a dummy instead of feeding constantly? I had to hold the dummy in my sons mouth for the first 4 months until he got the hang of it but now he finds it a great comfort and it gets him to sleep. He loves the action of sucking on something so would otherwise be on the boob or bottle all day/night. I was just careful not to let the dummy interfere with feeding on demand, if he seemed hungry even with the dummy in I would feed him.

If you are breastfeeding is there anything in your diet that seems to make him worse? Spicy food, garlic, dairy, caffeine? I think these are all thought to go through the milk to the baby.

If bottle feeding are you using a suitable teat, could you switch to faster or slower flow or a mixed flow? Have you tried a different type of bottle or an anti-colic one? What formula is he on, perhaps it doesn't agree with him.

Can you tilt where he sleeps so that his head his higher than his feet (slightly!) to help reduce what he brings up?

Sometimes babies do well in a sling where they can be upright, have you tried this? I walked around and around my kitchen singing to the baby with him in a sling (often with a dummy in) and he would go to sleep.

Is there anyone who can give you a break? You can't function on zero sleep.

You say all you know how to do is feed him, and that is a pretty major part of his life right now, but have you tried singing, taking him out in the pram (does he fall asleep then?) putting him in a bouncer or swingy seat? I would put mine in a vibrating swing chair and hold the dummy in and that saved my sanity in weeks 5 - 12 as he would go to sleep beautifully somewhere that wasn't on me.

Sorry if none of this is useful, just trying to think of all the things I did when mine was that age. It does pass though - my son spewed up what seemed like everything for months but gradually got less and less sick. After about 4 months he hardly needed winded and was hardly sick.

So I've been trying to get my baby asleep now for almost 12 hours, since before 10pm last night
I'm sorry. That's so tiring for you. But give up. If you're trying to do something and its not happening, give it up. Why does your baby have to be asleep?
Have you set yourself up for co-sleeping? Look at the safety aspects, give the baby unlimited access to the breast and stop worrying. Get your partner to bring lots of food home in the evenings so you don't have to be hungry or go out, and just let the baby feed 24 hours a day while you both doze and snuggle. That's what the baby expects. Just go along with it. It doesn't go on forever.

Thanks everyone.
I will try to speak to someone after I've had a little bit of sleep. The problem is that everytime the HV has come round before he is just so good and often half asleep anyway (he likes days) and the straining seems quiet against general day noise anyway. Whenever I mention things like yes but he does seem to cry constantly at night it just sounds so feeble! ... Like well yes, babies do cry and you will be sleep deprived what could I possibly have expected? I don't think he's ill because the HV has always been happy and the lactation consultation had a good look the other day and other that the tongue tie and him just being just so windy there doesn't seem anything wrong.

He's in bed with me in his sleepyhead. Tempted to try a cocoonababy if it'll keep his head raised a bit to help if it is reflux or something..

God, this is just exhausting!

I have a 7-week-old who also gets into a pickle with comfort feeding and being sick. A dummy works for us - he won't immediately take it, we have to hold it in his mouth and jiggle and bounce him to encourage him to suck it, but once he gets the idea and sucks he goes to sleep.

Can you record his straining at night on your phone? Your hv may get a better understanding of what your baby is going through at night. You poor thing, it sounds hideous.

I was going to suggest tongue tie then saw your later post that he has a bad one.

I would really (really really really) recommend that you get the tongue tie cut. Now is the perfect age to do it and you will likely find it makes a huge difference. My DD had a TT and I was able to BF her BUT she was so windy and miserable and couldn't sleep, she got horribly overtired and it was a nightmare. So much better when I finally got it snipped, wish I'd done it earlier.

Also - do you have a strong/fast let down, lots of milk? (I expect you may if you are managing to feed him even with a bad TT - I had the same with my DD). If so that may also be contributing to the wind and vomiting. A good solution for this is to feed lying down as it slows the flow - though that position may be difficult to get a latch while he still has the tongue tie.

Best of luck. Please do consider getting the TT snipped.

We folded a blanket or a towel and put it underneath the sleepyhead to keep it raised. Just a little so that he was never in danger of being chin to chest but his head was higher than his toes. This seemed to work well for DS.

I'm sure you are already but make good use of the sleepyhead! We had it downstairs in the living room and would pop him in it while we ate dinner/watched TV/napped on the sofa. We placed him so that he was facing us and we could sit next to him and hold his hand or stroke his face, hold he dummy in his mouth and he could see us, and sometimes he could relax and nod off so we could get some down-time. We watched a lot of shows with the subtitles on DH would then carry him up in the sleepyhead and place him in our bed/his cot without waking him. Probably not manufacturer recommended but it worked for us.

Hope you get some sleep soon.

Thanks minipie - I think we do need to seriously consider this then, to be honest we'd been working under the assumption we wouldn't cut it since I am BFing successfully, he's maintaining a good weight and I'm not really in pain so it's good to hear your experience. If it would make things easier for us both it might be something we need to do.
Yes I think I do have a bit of oversupply which is sort of compensating for the TT.

I'd be all for the bed sharing if it would actually make a difference but neither of us have managed to fall asleep that way. The lying down on my side breast feeding is quite nice and relaxing but he doesn't seem to manage it for more than 5-10 mins. The one thing I need to get out of are these frequent short bursts of feeding because I find if very unsatsifying (my breasts feel too hard and start leaking) and he just isn't getting enough to get a good sleep. I think it's that that's keeping us both up all night but easier said than done because when he's crying and I'm just too too tired to bounce him up and down and walk around the room with him then all I can do is offer him the breast for comfort.

I wasn't in pain either until the growth spurts hit at (iirc) 6 weeks and 10 weeks. By that time DD was bigger and hungrier and my high supply wasn't enough to compensate for the TT any more - she fed more and more often and my nipples got completely lacerated due to the poor latch, I ended up with cracks and mastitis and it was very nearly the end of BF for me.

Also, although DD seemed to be growing fine before the TT snip (she was maintaining 25th centile), once we had it snipped at 4 months she jumped over a month to the 75th centile! So clearly she wasn't really getting enough.

IME (both DDs had TT) the snip takes about 5 seconds, they yell, bleed slightly and then you feed them and they completely forget about it. The two potential complications I am aware of are 1) the TT can "regrow" (more accurately re heal) so the snip has to be done again. My belief is that this is less likely to happen if you get a really experienced person to do the snip, also it's less likely now your baby is >4 weeks. 2) it can take the baby a few days to "re learn" how to latch better with their unrestricted tongue, this can mean they are put off feeding for a few days, however that is generally when they have the snip at an older age ie several months old. So that's why I said your baby is the perfect age

Not to twist your arm or anything but I really wish someone had twisted mine

(I didn't get DD1's TT snipped till 4 months and those 4 months were the worst of my - and probably her - life)

Another vote for paying to get tongue tie snipped and then investigating reflux if still not settled. Just keep swimming and here is an un-mumsnetty hug

Get that TT snipped. Both mine have had TT and snipping it made a big difference each time. DS2 was feeding fine and gaining well but very windy and horrendously faffy- pulling off constantly trying to get a good latch. It was like feeding a different baby afterwards.

TT can cause lots of wind because the latch is weak and if you do have oversupply then it's harder to control the flow with TT. Some healthcare professionals seem to take the line that if TT isn't preventing feeding, then there's no reason to cut it, but I think that can be a serious error. For a start, the fact that the baby is feeding and gaining well now doesn't necessarily mean it will continue to do so: it's quite common for TT babies to gain well to start with (especially if there is oversupply) and then taper off- so it might become a weight gain problem in the future. Moreover, having a baby with wind because of a poor latch due to tongue tie and/or being unable to control flow well isn't a minor inconvenience- it can make both of you really miserable. You also say you're 'not really' in pain- you shouldn't be in any pain at all! Even if pain was the only issue, that's still a good reason to cut it- it's not selfish to want to feed your baby without discomfort. Finally, remember that TT can cause problems down the road with speech and dental health. Seriously, I really recommend getting it cut: i's a very straightforward procedure, the risk is minimal, and it can make a huge difference to you both.

Get that TT snipped. Both mine have had TT and snipping it made a big difference each time. DS2 was feeding fine and gaining well but very windy and horrendously faffy- pulling off constantly trying to get a good latch. It was like feeding a different baby afterwards.

TT can cause lots of wind because the latch is weak and if you do have oversupply then it's harder to control the flow with TT. Some healthcare professionals seem to take the line that if TT isn't preventing feeding, then there's no reason to cut it, but I think that can be a serious error. For a start, the fact that the baby is feeding and gaining well now doesn't necessarily mean it will continue to do so: it's quite common for TT babies to gain well to start with (especially if there is oversupply) and then taper off- so it might become a weight gain problem in the future. Moreover, having a baby with wind because of a poor latch due to tongue tie and/or being unable to control flow well isn't a minor inconvenience- it can make both of you really miserable. You also say you're 'not really' in pain- you shouldn't be in any pain at all! Even if pain was the only issue, that's still a good reason to cut it- it's not selfish to want to feed your baby without discomfort. Finally, remember that TT can cause problems down the road with speech and dental health. Seriously, I really recommend getting it cut: i's a very straightforward procedure, the risk is minimal, and it can make a huge difference to you both.