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Original poster

This is not the baby I brought home..

37 replies

TooGood2BeFalse · 02/08/2016 11:15

Hi all,

I really need some advice. DS is a month old, and for the past week has become so clingy he seems to scared to even sleep. He is ebf except for odd bottle when I need to do something like bath my 4 year old.

He is beginning to refuse sleep to the point where he can be awake for 4-5 hours and is so unhappy. He doesn't appear to be in pain, although his DR recommended Infacol just in case. He will literally take an hour to fall asleep in your arms then his eyes will spring open the minute I put him down (have tried moses basket, cot, swing, bounces chair, car seat, buggy - he just wants to be held.)

Just now after 3 hours of trying everything from swaddling to white noise to leaving him in peace in case of over stimulation - I walked away and let him cry for 5mins.
WHEN I returned I patted him, soothed him and he went straight to sleep.

I know! I know this is considered evil, bad for attachment etc but I have literally tried everything I can think of, he even hates the sling! My husband and 4yr old are frustrated that I'm always in the bedroom trying to get baby to sleep and everyone is assuring me it's either because a)he doesn't like my milk or b) I have spoilt him by holding him too much.

I am pretty stressed and feel under constant pressure but nothing I'm trying is working. I guess what I'm asking is will he be OK after he cried for that 5mins? And does anyone have any advice?

Thank you very muchBlush

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GeoffreysGoat · 02/08/2016 11:23

Parent the baby you have, not the one books and other people think you should have.

If your baby needs a few minutes to be ready to fall asleep, that's what he needs.

IHeartKingThistle · 02/08/2016 11:26

He'll be fine.

My DD needed to be left alone to fall asleep. Generally this meant 5 minutes of her crying beforehand. If we went in or picked her up during this time she got herself into a right state and wouldn't sleep. She just needed that time to switch off. She has turned into a very independent child so I guess that's why!

Goingtobeawesome · 02/08/2016 11:28

You can't spoil a baby. Your husband needs to man up and parent his older child for this phase and help the older child understand that the baby needs mummy at the moment and it won't be forever.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
TooGood2BeFalse · 02/08/2016 11:28

Hi Geoffreysgoat - Sorry, do you mean if baby needs to be held, hold him even if it's hours? Or do you mean it's OK if he cries a bit? If he was my only child I'd love to just sit and snuggle him for hours, but my older little boy is already missing my full attention Sad

OP posts:
wigglybeezer · 02/08/2016 11:37

Its OK if he cries a bit. If he is only crying for 5 mins then that sounds as though he has the potential to get the hang of self soothing pretty quickly.

Original poster
TooGood2BeFalse · 02/08/2016 11:41

Thanks IHeart- good to know your DD is OK!! I wouldn't feel so awful if he was older, but just seems like even if I respond to every cry and constantly comfort him like I'm supposed to it really doesn't actually seem seems to help at all.

OP posts:
GeoffreysGoat · 02/08/2016 11:41

I mean that it's not going to hurt him to wait. And five minutes isn't neglect or crying it out x

ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 11:43

Parent the baby you have, not the one books and other people think you should have

^^ this!

WannaBe · 02/08/2016 11:45

It's ok for him to have cried for a bit.

It's ok for you to not feel you want to be holding him 24/7.

If being put down in one place and him having cried for five minutes enables him to go to sleep and get decent sleep rather than a situation where you are cuddling him for hours and then can't move for fear of him waking then you know what you have to do.

And you know what? Sometimes after a month of cuddling a baby day and night there comes a point where all you want to do is breathe for five minutes, and sometimes that means putting a crying baby down in a safe place and walking away for five minutes to do just that. And it seems here that the end result has been that he fell asleep independently. Build on this.

mrsmugoo · 02/08/2016 11:46

Sling is probably your friend here.

I've got a 9 week old and a 2 year old and I'm the weirdo hoping the weather gets cooler so I can use the sling more as its too hot in the really hot weather!

I do toddler bedtime with baby sleeping in the sling and it works perfectly.

Sling also really good for colic/reflux/wind etc

CocktailQueen · 02/08/2016 11:48

Mrsmugoo - OP's baby hates the sling too...

GreenGoth89 · 02/08/2016 11:53

Have you looked at other slings/wraps? Alternatively what about trying a slightly weighted glove so it feels like there's a hand on Dc when there isn't?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/08/2016 11:53

this is all very normal OP, very normal- relax, was your DC1 especially easy? HONESTLY DONT WORRY

minipie · 02/08/2016 11:56

Sounds like he is very overtired. The main thing he needs is sleep. If 5 minutes crying gets him a good sleep at the end, then that is the best thing for him IMO.

DD1 got overtired loads. I used to take her out for long pram walks when she got overtired, but that isn't practical when you have an older DC as well.

I left DD2 to whinge/cry for a few minutes at nap times from an early age (6 or 8 weeks maybe?). She learned to self settle and sleep for long naps. She never got overtired. As a result she had a much happier babyhood than DD1, even though I left her to cry and never left DD1 to cry.

What I'm saying is that crying for a few minutes before they got to sleep isn't the worst thing in the world.

TrivialPursuit · 02/08/2016 11:57

reflux? It gets worse when laid flat, and of course, you aren't comforting him when he's lying alone in his cot.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 02/08/2016 12:02

He is 4 weeks old. Please don't leave him to cry. This is part and parcel of parenthood. Wiggly I don't think anyone should be talking about self soothing in relation to a 4 week old baby.

Farmmummy · 02/08/2016 12:04

Just wondering what type of sling you tried op sometimes finding the right one can really give you your life back! If you don't have or can't face a local sling library try slingheaven.com they have a questionnaire and you can do postal hire to try before you buy. I know there is a lot of judgement on some forums about baby wearing (not mn particularly but other seem to see it as hippy or connected to particular styles of parenting) but for me it made a difficult time with dd2 and my medical issues much easier and eased dd1s feelings that her new sister took over

kinloss · 02/08/2016 12:05

Surely it's about maintaining parental sanity, at the end of the day.

(Although I'm aware that attachment parenting is a religion. But like most religions if it's not working, I'd regard it as optional.)

Original poster
TooGood2BeFalse · 02/08/2016 12:07

Thanks all - wasn't quite expecting so many understanding responses!

5 mins like a lifetime! But I suppose 5 min of him being miserable but waking up happy is better than hours of being tired and cranky.

I did have to walk away, not because I was angry AT him, more at myself for being a second time mum and still not being e.to just put my baby down for a nap.

Thanks WannaBe - Yes I did fancy just a little breather Blush My older son is also very much a mummy's boy so I feel a bit manhandled at the moment!! On the rare occasions I can get baby to sleep in less than an hour,there's no time for a little relax as Big Brother is waiting for me Smile Not complaining..

OP posts:
imwithspud · 02/08/2016 12:10

He will be fine, lots of professionals recommend popping baby down and walking away at times where you feel frustrated. This stage WILL pass. When dd2 was small, there were many a time where I had to leave 3yo dd1 downstairs with the tv/tablet for entertainment whilst I settled her sister. It felt like an age at the time but gradually dd2 learnt to settle herself, and now at 14 months old I can leave her in her cot to drift off by herself. I can't remember the exact point where she started doing this, but it was a gradual process over the course of a few months. The times where I had to hold her/sit with her to get her to sleep seem like a drop in the ocean now.

Your dh shouldn't be getting fed up, you are doing what your baby needs you to do, it's a fleeting stage. They change so quickly in the space of a few weeks/months. But for now he needs to man up, be supportive and do his bit with the older dc.

bessie84 · 02/08/2016 12:20

OP do you have my baby?! our baby is 5 weeks old and this just sounds like her.

so unhappy and wingy when shes awake, feel like theres something im doing wrong, crying if i pick her up, crying if i put her down, settles for a BIT if shes in her swing. i just had to leave her for 5 and she screams before she falls asleep, its awful. took her to doctors yesterday cos im at my wits end, and doctor has given us infant gaviscon to try as she reckons it sounds like reflux (sicking up milk too, which i thought was cos she was crying too much)

ive also had to walk out of the room at times, simply cos it gets too much, this is my 4th baby and my others were nothing like this!

you really have my sympathies, give your dh a kick and get him to try n settle baby too, i think they pick up our upset,frustration... sometimes when DH gets in from work, she'll settle straight away for him and i bloody wonder how when id have been trying ages.

sending hugs, its bloody hard. your doing great. x

IceBeing · 02/08/2016 12:21

OP it does sound like it might be over stimulation causing the awakeness...having a bit of a cry had a great relaxing power for over stimulated babies...

When you 'left him in peace' was it in a dark space with no toys, bright colours etc? Or just no human contact?

We had to do dark, own space, no bright colours, white noise and everything to get DD to sleep in reasonable intervals....they also need practice at this before it really begins to work.

Original poster
TooGood2BeFalse · 02/08/2016 12:24

Thanks so much for the tips Farmmummy, I will definitely look for another sling.

Trivial pursuit - He hasn't been left lying alone before today, I have been holding him constantly.He doesn't seem to have any feeding issues, although his mattress is slightly raised at the head just to rule this out

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 02/08/2016 12:24

OP, here is my story.

DS1 was about 3, 4 weeks old and I was still getting used to him (and he me). He started grizzling at around 3pm. I tried carrying him around, feeding, changing nappy, all the usual things. None of it worked. He got angrier and angrier, more and more tired (I'd worked out he needed to sleep by this point as it had been a while since last nap) and whatever I tried did not work. He had been screaming full-pelt for a solid two hours and I remember sitting on my bed in a darkened room (light from the hall) and putting him on the bed in front of me and staring at him in sheer desperation. About 15 seconds after I'd done this he let out a sort of dying scream, threw his arms out on either side and collapsed into unconsciousness. I remember staring at him and thinking 'So that's what you wanted.' I'd been inadvertently keeping him awake.

The next day he grizzled at the same time and I calmly went through the feed, nappy, put in cot in darkened room routine and he held out for about 10 minutes before having a lovely long sleep. I figured that was much better than 2 hours of solid screaming which left both of us crying.

DS2 was exactly the same!!

Do what works for your family Thanks

ZansForCans · 02/08/2016 12:30

Babies cry, it's what they (well many of them) do – I'm totally opposed to controlled crying and imposing strict routines, but 5 minutes crying and self-settling is not the same thing at all IMO. My DS would cry for 5 mins in the buggy then fall asleep and have a lovely nap as I walked around – it worked for him. I was there, I wouldn't have let it go on long without picking him up, but a bit of crying before falling asleep is normal for a tired baby.

I don't think you can cope if you never let a baby have a cry at all! It's not like you ignored him for 40 mins and he got hysterical. You even patted him so he knew you hadn't gone anywhere.

I think it's fine.