Please help me make after school time happier

[Trickymoments]

I work every day to 2.30pm then pick up dd 4 from nursery & ds 8 from school.
The time between getting home and tea seems to be getting more difficult and to be honest not very enjoyable. I am grateful to be able to work part time so I can have the afternoons with them but none of my attempts at putting routine & structure in place seem to work & it's causing everyone to get upset.
To summarise the main issues are:

Snacks: DS is constantly hungry and wants snack after snack when he gets home. I insit this has to include something healthy but it's relentless ferrying to & fro with snacks. He has started raiding the cupboards which I have said he's not to do but he does it anyway. Should I just give up & let him help himself now as he is 8.5? He still always eats his tea but I do think it's odd how hungry he is and he has school dinners but he says he hates them.
Dd 4 sees ds having snacks so she also wants them but she is not good at eating her tea. She says she's hungry when we get in though so I let have something but then she cries when ds has more.

Eating & drinking: i've asked them time & time again to eat & drink at the table in the living room but they just won't listsn. Dd walks round dropping crumbs everywhere & ds huddles on the sofa with his! They leave their wrappers, bowls & cups all over the place. I've told them so many times to sit at the table but I'll pop upstairs & come down to find they've ignored me again.

Entertainment: Ds is only interested in electronics despite having a room full of toys & garden toys. I've offered to play swingball with him but he's not interested. He spends too long on electronics.
Dd will not be alone for 5 minutes! She wants me to play with her constantly.

Can anyone help please?

No real suggestions sorry but I just wanted to say it sounds really normal to me! I have a 7 and a 4 year old. Used to finish at 3 but have recently had to go full time so only get in the house now at 5.30 ish. They are always hungry arnt they! Whilst I understand the desire to only give healthy food I wouldn't bang on and make to much of a big deal about this either as it's easy for kids then to see food as good or bad and get caught up in unhelpful thoughts about food. Everything in moderation is fine, I would certainly be letting an 8 year old have a bit more freedom with snacks maybe?

Loosechange, you are so right! The reality is that they are tired &
grumpy by the time I get them. I know it sounds awful but some days I wish I'd stayed at work!

It will feel strange but it won't hurt to experiment with an earlier tea. I like the idea of dd getting into pj's and then coming down for a play.
She starts school in September so things might change again then & I will definitely want her in a good bedtime routine.

Family gum was meant to be family fun!
I thought that about work. (I am rushing back from work for this?!?)

Drop standards. Quick meals to cook as suggested. Remind self that they are playing up because they are relaxed in my presence. And repeat....

Re. the kids getting ratty when you say 'no' to things like screen time, etc, what I started doing with DD (younger - she's 3) that seemed to work is this: If she asks for the iPad and I say 'no' or she doesn't want to turn it off when I tell her to and then she starts complaining/ whining then I warn her that any shouting or creating around the iPad = no more iPad (either that day or the next day). You then have to follow through on this, but she picked up pretty quickly that she can't kick off about it. I have to offer her palatable alternatives though (e.g. I'll play a game with you, read a book to you, etc).

In my limited parenting experience kids respond well to 'rules'. So if you tell yours that the new rule is only 'x' minutes of screen time after school and then enforce it rigidly eventually they will accept it.

Can I suggest if he hates school dinners swap to sandwiches..At our school they are really small.

Electronics.. It is a no on nights DS (9) has activities.. I do let him relax when he comes in..I find giving him that space to stare at a TV helps.

X box is only allowed weekends.

A friend of mine banned tablets for the week ...she said the change in the 2 children was shocking.

Maybe I am expecting too much & am upset because it's not the perfect idyllic work life balance that I imagined it would be. I feel like I'm failing and work is not easy either as I have to pack up & leave half way through the day so get the impression I'm not taken as seriously as my ft colleagues.

Should I be trying to get other stuff done during these afternoons at all like bits of housework, laundry, admin or should I just focus on doing things with the dc's?
I know there's the evenings to get stuff done but I am usually too knackered to do anything.

I think a complete screen ban (or drastic reduction e.g. 1 short programme per evening

I agree with feeding the kids early. Give them something proper and substantial straight after school.

Mine will eat something decent and eat dinner too.

I banned gadgets during the week and the difference is indeed, amazing.

I set them up with an activity and left them to it as they didn't know what to do with themselves. Now they're fine.
They love to draw and play Lego.

Give them something to do in the garden like watering the plants, washing some toys in a bucket of water, looking for insects with a magnifying glass, making a dinosaur or fairy land etc.

We watch a bit of tv and they even help with chores now. Ds1 loves to hoover.

Goodness me of course you can be getting on with other things as well- you are putting way to much pressure on yourself to be super mum honestly

My ds (7&10) are much happier after we swopped to packed lunches as portions were tiny and one doesn't like puddings so some days was barely eating anything! Packed lunches aren't that exciting ( large filled sandwich or 2 wraps/rolls, + yogurt + fruit 90% of the time with hot soup or pasta the other 10%) but do fill them up far better. After school snack straight away depending on lunch but again bread products fill quickly so toast or crumpets, marmite or peanut butter sandwich plus a piece fruit & drink.

If there's no activities we try & eat together around 6 - Imo eating at the table is just one of those things you are going to have to be totally rigid on but definitely will need you sitting with them at meal times.Mine are pretty good at the table but if I left them to it I'd come back to carnage I'm sure . Everyone is different with electronics but I can see a big difference in mind after too much gaming so limit it to Friday & Saturday unless they have a friend over. I don't mi d a bit of tv but usually use it as a bribe to get homework / chores done first

I have given in to early tea, way too early for my liking, but it does stop the constant snacking and raiding the fridge which I hate. I don't know why I didn't do it before as it does help. Then a bedtime snack can be fruit or yogurt although they don't always want one.

I have chilled out about screen time as the dc have got older and sometimes they do put them down and play together. If I actually play with them in the garden, that helps as it keeps them focused if I am there. They always hand over screens before bedtime and will wind down with reading or colouring or something quiet in their rooms and that is a routine I have stuck to even on weekends.

I think what you describe is pretty normal tbh. It is hard though. In a way the summer is harder as the evenings seem really long.

Interesting. What sort of differences have people seen when screen time is limited or removed? It's really making me think now about the effects of too much of it as ds just didn't know what to do with himself.
I have tried playing games with hime before, loves monopoly & scrabble. But guess what, it all ends in tears as dd wants to play and she can't as too young. Ends up with her throwing the bits around & generally disrupting the game..,sigh..