Please help me make after school time happier

[Trickymoments]

I work every day to 2.30pm then pick up dd 4 from nursery & ds 8 from school.
The time between getting home and tea seems to be getting more difficult and to be honest not very enjoyable. I am grateful to be able to work part time so I can have the afternoons with them but none of my attempts at putting routine & structure in place seem to work & it's causing everyone to get upset.
To summarise the main issues are:

Snacks: DS is constantly hungry and wants snack after snack when he gets home. I insit this has to include something healthy but it's relentless ferrying to & fro with snacks. He has started raiding the cupboards which I have said he's not to do but he does it anyway. Should I just give up & let him help himself now as he is 8.5? He still always eats his tea but I do think it's odd how hungry he is and he has school dinners but he says he hates them.
Dd 4 sees ds having snacks so she also wants them but she is not good at eating her tea. She says she's hungry when we get in though so I let have something but then she cries when ds has more.

Eating & drinking: i've asked them time & time again to eat & drink at the table in the living room but they just won't listsn. Dd walks round dropping crumbs everywhere & ds huddles on the sofa with his! They leave their wrappers, bowls & cups all over the place. I've told them so many times to sit at the table but I'll pop upstairs & come down to find they've ignored me again.

Entertainment: Ds is only interested in electronics despite having a room full of toys & garden toys. I've offered to play swingball with him but he's not interested. He spends too long on electronics.
Dd will not be alone for 5 minutes! She wants me to play with her constantly.

Can anyone help please?

[Trickymoments]

Interesting. What sort of differences have people seen when screen time is limited or removed? It's really making me think now about the effects of too much of it as ds just didn't know what to do with himself.
I have tried playing games with hime before, loves monopoly & scrabble. But guess what, it all ends in tears as dd wants to play and she can't as too young. Ends up with her throwing the bits around & generally disrupting the game..,sigh..

[Tellmewhyohwhy]

I have given in to early tea, way too early for my liking, but it does stop the constant snacking and raiding the fridge which I hate. I don't know why I didn't do it before as it does help. Then a bedtime snack can be fruit or yogurt although they don't always want one.

I have chilled out about screen time as the dc have got older and sometimes they do put them down and play together. If I actually play with them in the garden, that helps as it keeps them focused if I am there. They always hand over screens before bedtime and will wind down with reading or colouring or something quiet in their rooms and that is a routine I have stuck to even on weekends.

I think what you describe is pretty normal tbh. It is hard though. In a way the summer is harder as the evenings seem really long.

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

My ds (7&10) are much happier after we swopped to packed lunches as portions were tiny and one doesn't like puddings so some days was barely eating anything! Packed lunches aren't that exciting ( large filled sandwich or 2 wraps/rolls, + yogurt + fruit 90% of the time with hot soup or pasta the other 10%) but do fill them up far better. After school snack straight away depending on lunch but again bread products fill quickly so toast or crumpets, marmite or peanut butter sandwich plus a piece fruit & drink.

If there's no activities we try & eat together around 6 - Imo eating at the table is just one of those things you are going to have to be totally rigid on but definitely will need you sitting with them at meal times.Mine are pretty good at the table but if I left them to it I'd come back to carnage I'm sure . Everyone is different with electronics but I can see a big difference in mind after too much gaming so limit it to Friday & Saturday unless they have a friend over. I don't mi d a bit of tv but usually use it as a bribe to get homework / chores done first

[milkysmum]

Goodness me of course you can be getting on with other things as well- you are putting way to much pressure on yourself to be super mum honestly

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

I agree with feeding the kids early. Give them something proper and substantial straight after school.
Mine will eat something decent and eat dinner too.

I banned gadgets during the week and the difference is indeed, amazing.

I set them up with an activity and left them to it as they didn't know what to do with themselves. Now they're fine.
They love to draw and play Lego.

Give them something to do in the garden like watering the plants, washing some toys in a bucket of water, looking for insects with a magnifying glass, making a dinosaur or fairy land etc.

We watch a bit of tv and they even help with chores now. Ds1 loves to hoover.

[LakeFlyPie]

I think a complete screen ban (or drastic reduction e.g. 1 short programme per evening

[Trickymoments]

Maybe I am expecting too much & am upset because it's not the perfect idyllic work life balance that I imagined it would be. I feel like I'm failing and work is not easy either as I have to pack up & leave half way through the day so get the impression I'm not taken as seriously as my ft colleagues.

Should I be trying to get other stuff done during these afternoons at all like bits of housework, laundry, admin or should I just focus on doing things with the dc's?
I know there's the evenings to get stuff done but I am usually too knackered to do anything.

[starry0ne]

Can I suggest if he hates school dinners swap to sandwiches..At our school they are really small.

Electronics.. It is a no on nights DS (9) has activities.. I do let him relax when he comes in..I find giving him that space to stare at a TV helps.

X box is only allowed weekends.

A friend of mine banned tablets for the week ...she said the change in the 2 children was shocking.

[CityDweller]

Re. the kids getting ratty when you say 'no' to things like screen time, etc, what I started doing with DD (younger - she's 3) that seemed to work is this: If she asks for the iPad and I say 'no' or she doesn't want to turn it off when I tell her to and then she starts complaining/ whining then I warn her that any shouting or creating around the iPad = no more iPad (either that day or the next day). You then have to follow through on this, but she picked up pretty quickly that she can't kick off about it. I have to offer her palatable alternatives though (e.g. I'll play a game with you, read a book to you, etc).

In my limited parenting experience kids respond well to 'rules'. So if you tell yours that the new rule is only 'x' minutes of screen time after school and then enforce it rigidly eventually they will accept it.

[loosechange]

Family gum was meant to be family fun!
I thought that about work. (I am rushing back from work for this?!?)

Drop standards. Quick meals to cook as suggested. Remind self that they are playing up because they are relaxed in my presence. And repeat....

[Trickymoments]

Loosechange, you are so right! The reality is that they are tired &
grumpy by the time I get them. I know it sounds awful but some days I wish I'd stayed at work!

It will feel strange but it won't hurt to experiment with an earlier tea. I like the idea of dd getting into pj's and then coming down for a play.
She starts school in September so things might change again then & I will definitely want her in a good bedtime routine.

[milkysmum]

No real suggestions sorry but I just wanted to say it sounds really normal to me! I have a 7 and a 4 year old. Used to finish at 3 but have recently had to go full time so only get in the house now at 5.30 ish. They are always hungry arnt they! Whilst I understand the desire to only give healthy food I wouldn't bang on and make to much of a big deal about this either as it's easy for kids then to see food as good or bad and get caught up in unhelpful thoughts about food. Everything in moderation is fine, I would certainly be letting an 8 year old have a bit more freedom with snacks maybe?

[Mishaps]

Food - have tea ready as soon as they get home and get a good meal down them then. Something in the slow cooker as others have said - beans in the pan and bread in the toaster ready to go?

Empty the snack drawer and fill up the fruit bowl! - if the snacks are not there, they cannot fuss for them.

If they cannot wait for something while you put the food on the plates then offer a drink.

Boys of this age have hollow legs - they just need to eat!

[loosechange]

I used to put the tea on as soon as we got home. Now that isn't feasible they get a snack when we get on, and tea is on the table by five. We eat together at weekends. It doesn't work logistically during the week.

My screen rules are usually enforced during holidays. One hour of electronic time only. They can choose at what point they play it, but one hour only. Any arguing (proper arguing rather than a little whinge) and they will lose screen time the next day.

I haven't had to enforce it. Having enforced previous ultimatums they know I would.

I relax the rules if friends are over, or if they are all playing together with their dad on it.

My children don't always play together with that age gap. I settle for them not killing one another.

I do remember finishing work early once a week and you pick the children up from school and nursery. I had a romanticized idea of what it would be like. Family gum. Reality was tired tetchy children who grumped. I had imagined it would be like my non work days with them. It was painful.

[poocatcherchampion]

Take most of it out?

Not in a punishment way but there is quite a bit of evidence that kids are easily overwhelmed by too much stuff.

Mine are younger than yours so discard my advice if you like - but I second an early tea and into jamas and then you can all relax a bit. I'd save eating altogether for weekends and holidays.

My 4yo can play by herself for about 20mins but only earlier in the day. In the evening I give her things like colouring / hama beads right up close to me so I can do my thing and listen to her incessant chatter.

Also it sounds like you have got a punishment problem. Do you enforce it every time or are you a bit of a pushover?

I hope something here is useful

[funnysortofsummer]

Vague memory of moving children's tea to 430 ish. Small portion of cereal etc later. Otherwise, lots of snacks and grumpiness!

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Yes that's perfect. Put it on before you go- you can get stuff ready night before and keep in the fridge in a Tupperware container then tip into the SC. They can be on for hours and hours on low.

[Trickymoments]

No I don't Dame. How long can you
leave them for? I'm out at 8.00am back at 2.30ish.

[Trickymoments]

Thanks smiley. Can anyone else share their rules around time allowed on xboxes & other electronic devices?
The other day I said to ds we're having a break from electronics today so need to find something else to do. I went out the room and came back to find him staring into space, he didn't know what to do with himself which I found so sad.
He's got a room full of toys, games & lego. I might aswell get rid of it all.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Do you have a slow cooker? Solves the early tea issue!

[Trickymoments]

That sounds really nice specialagent. It would feel weird to me cooking tea that early but maybe it might help. I have said to dd before we're having tea early today & she said I don't want tea, I want a snack! Snacks are a novelty to her I think wheras ds is actually ravenous!

[smileyhappymummy]

One thing that has helped us with the electronics is putting a time limit on her tablet so that it just turns itself off after half an hour. It's reduced the amount of whining and conflict around it directly with us and it means I'm no longer so bothered that she gravitates straight towards it because I know it can only be half an hour.
We don't eat together as a family either even though I'd like us to in an ideal world. But it just isn't possible except at weekends.
Good luck!

[Specialagentblond]

Hiya, I agree, bring tea forward.. Mine eat at 4-4;30, as they are ravenous after school. They don't eat their tea properly if I give them snacks and because they are so cranky they only want junk. They eat so much!

I also put them in the bath about 5;15 so they are fed and in their pyjamas by 6pm, to avoid bath time dramas when everybody (me) is exhausted later. While they're in the bath I get tea on for DH. he gets home for 6;30, we eat while the kids are more content to play. They have bit of toast/banana/fruit and milk and then we chill out for half an hour as a family before their bedtime x

Those are the days when we are not doing after school activities. That's another routine lol!

HTH x

[Trickymoments]

I do send them to their room but it's often met with refusal and a long battle to get them there. This is what I don't get. If my parents had said that I knew I was in big trouble and would go but mine just say no!

I am a bit worried about the school dinners as he says he hates them so it's not great if he isn't eating much during the day. He wants us to let him take his own lunches next year but I could see him persuading dh to let him have a load of junk so I'm not keen on that idea!

[Pythonesque]

It might be worth checking what time your daughter has lunch at nursery - often it is quite early. At one point I used to collect my daughter from school, take her home and have a snack, and only then collect her brother from nursery, as they had "tea" at about the time we would have been passing on the way back from school (? 3:30/40), and it was disruptive to collect him at that point. So my suggestion would be, try giving them both a substantial meal as soon as you get in, then your youngest has eaten properly, you've supervised their eating at the table, and just maybe you'll have a better chance with the next part of the afternoon. Then later can be a light top-up meal for your son and you don't need to be worrying whether your daughter eats or not at that point. My youngest needed to eat earlier in the day for quite a long while (eg when he was 7 he still ate much less at 5 pm let alone later, than he would choose to eat at lunch).

Good luck. Change one thing at a time and don't feel you have to find the perfect solution all at once.