Hi everyone,
Apologies for the long post....
My daughter is 12 weeks old now and I can safely say I have hated all of my maternity leave so far. She is a high needs baby who needs to be in my arms most of the time (she refuses the sling, baby carrier, won't get swaddled,etc) and has cried for most of her life since birth (from colic and silent reflux)- I don't think I have watched TV once without subtitles so far, not that watching TV is a common occurrence! I must admit she is getting better with much less crying and increasingly spending more time on playmats, bouncy seat,etc but I still appear very ill suited for being a stay-at-home mum. To give you an idea, I started maternity leave 4 weeks before her birth and disliked it as well - I was too big to do anything I normally do as I am usually out and about most of the time. MT just seems very antithetic to my character. Now, I know maternity leave is not about me but about my baby but regardless how hard I try, I find it very difficult to be positive in front of her. I feel miserable most of the time and do cry a lot. I don't think it is PND as I would instantly be back to my usual self if I went back to my former life (I make it sound as if I don't love her but I really really do and I am actually really worried I am letting her down). Anyhow, I have tried to get out as much as possible for walks (a little hit and miss as she can cry a lot, forcing me to go home), to children centres (not my cup of tea so far with either mothers I have very little in common with or sanctimonious mothers with perfect babies making me feel even more terrible about myself),etc and nothing has worked. I am therefore half tempted to go back to work early (at the moment, my ML is due to last a year). My employer has been really supportive and would be willing to take me back earlier than the usual 8-week period. The reasoning is that hopefully I would be happier and back to my usual self and would therefore be able to meet the emotional needs of my daughter better as I don't think I am doing a good job of it at all. However she is still very young.... What do you think would be better for her: a less present , yet happier mum, or a more present but sadder mum? Also I was hoping to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months and if I went back to work I would have to stop doing so as I have been really struggling to express milk....
Thanks for any advice!