struggling with maternity leave- what should I do?

[Ohlalala]

Hi everyone,

Apologies for the long post....

My daughter is 12 weeks old now and I can safely say I have hated all of my maternity leave so far. She is a high needs baby who needs to be in my arms most of the time (she refuses the sling, baby carrier, won't get swaddled,etc) and has cried for most of her life since birth (from colic and silent reflux)- I don't think I have watched TV once without subtitles so far, not that watching TV is a common occurrence! I must admit she is getting better with much less crying and increasingly spending more time on playmats, bouncy seat,etc but I still appear very ill suited for being a stay-at-home mum. To give you an idea, I started maternity leave 4 weeks before her birth and disliked it as well - I was too big to do anything I normally do as I am usually out and about most of the time. MT just seems very antithetic to my character. Now, I know maternity leave is not about me but about my baby but regardless how hard I try, I find it very difficult to be positive in front of her. I feel miserable most of the time and do cry a lot. I don't think it is PND as I would instantly be back to my usual self if I went back to my former life (I make it sound as if I don't love her but I really really do and I am actually really worried I am letting her down). Anyhow, I have tried to get out as much as possible for walks (a little hit and miss as she can cry a lot, forcing me to go home), to children centres (not my cup of tea so far with either mothers I have very little in common with or sanctimonious mothers with perfect babies making me feel even more terrible about myself),etc and nothing has worked. I am therefore half tempted to go back to work early (at the moment, my ML is due to last a year). My employer has been really supportive and would be willing to take me back earlier than the usual 8-week period. The reasoning is that hopefully I would be happier and back to my usual self and would therefore be able to meet the emotional needs of my daughter better as I don't think I am doing a good job of it at all. However she is still very young.... What do you think would be better for her: a less present , yet happier mum, or a more present but sadder mum? Also I was hoping to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months and if I went back to work I would have to stop doing so as I have been really struggling to express milk....

Thanks for any advice!

I agree with Waterrat and couldn't say it better.

I would add that the decision about returning to work is pretty final so not one to make either in a hurry or under stress.

Before I had DS, I thought I would be the same person, except with a baby. A bit like having a new car - I and my life would look the same but there would be something new in it. I can laugh now at how unprepared I was for the emotional upheaval, never mind the tiredness. I wasn't laughing at the time. I honestly don't think I'd have made it through the first 6 months if DP had not lost his job, ironic as that may seem.
Going back to work might seem like an escape back to your old life but it's unlikely to be that simple.
That said, does your employer offer Keeping In Touch days? It's where you go in for a day on mat leave to keep in touch with what's going on in your absence. You should get paid for the day and it doesn't affect maternity pay. If they don't offer them, you could suggest they do it informally? I think I did about4 pr 5 before I went back and it was helpful.
You really need support in the here abd mow though, and you've had lots of suggestions above so I hope something there will help. I really think DH should take time off to support you.
I used to wait until everything was ready and DS had stopped crying before I left the house. DP would stick a nappy in his pocket and take him out still crying (assuming he'd been fed and changed). DP got out of the house faster and more often than me.
Good luck OP it's bloody hard at this stage.

Support in the here and now, obviously.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. It is much appreciated and certainly very helpful to hear views from people who have more perspective than me.

I am sorry I haven't memorised your usernames so will have to reply to comments anonymously.

I am based in the North-East - is anyone too?

I take onboard and agree with giving much thought to going back to work so I don't make any rash decision. It is certainly not what I had in mind before giving birth (I now realise I must have had a rather idealised vision of maternity leave) but it seemed a 'good' way to going back to my old self. I know she'll hopefully get better gradually but I am also concerned she will still be really young and would obviously prefer not to leave her in the care of unknown people if possible.

Someone mentioned PND. I am certainly happy to consider I may be suffering from it. The reason why I ruled it out is that I do feel fine when my daughter looks happy and content and I would have thought you can't jump in and out of depression so easily but this is perhaps misguided ideas on my part. What wears me down is that happy instances do not happen very often and I do find the crying and restlessness emotionally hard to handle at times. I thought all mums would have found their baby so unsettled distressing though?

Whilst I have nothing but positive things to say about the midwives I came across during my pregnancy, the delivery and the following days, I can't say I have been particularly impressed with the HVs I have met so far. When I first met my HV, she informed me that anything I say to my GP, HV, schools,etc will be recorded in the same file so if I ever start lying or whatever I say doesn't add up(?), they'll notice it straight away and social services would act on it. Now there would be absolutely no reason for her to think that my husband and I would abuse or neglect our daughter so I can only but assume this is standard procedure either in the area where I live due to a high incidence of cases (?) or across the country because of the recent child abuse cases in the media. While I understand they don't know us and have the child's safety in mind I nonetheless did find it rather offputting to say the least. To top it all, I found the first few weeks ok to deal with because my husband was around all the time (he took the whole two weeks plus additional days off) but I was a real wreck the first few days he went back to work - thought I would never manage on my own,etc so went to the baby clinic to ask for advice. While the HV there was giving me rather irrelevant advice ("have you thought of a routine?"), I burst into tears, and we are talking not a dignified sobbing but the real full waterworks, she ended up sternly telling me: "you do realise I am now going to inform your HV of this" as if I'd been a naughty girl that would need to be told off. Thankfully nothing came out of it - my HV mentioned looking for a new job elsewhere so she's probably not taking things too seriously/or assuming I am doing fine (?) - but I was expecting a phone call from social services all week! Anyhow, to cut a long story short, I have two strikes so far with them so I'd better be on my best behaviour! My HV also once suggested my face may be making my baby cry even more (!) so why don't I just bury her head in my chest not to aggravate her!! Not exactly the kind of things you want to hear when you already feel you are struggling...
To be honest I have found the whole medical support to be a bit of a farce- for a long time our concerns about her crying were dismissed as "your baby just has colic, you will have to live with it" and it is only after talking to 2 GPs, 2 HVs and a nurse that they eventually admitted that there may be something else wrong with her. That's when she eventually got diagnosed with silent reflux and got medication that did help but if not for this GP, my daughter would still be in pain right now....
Sorry for the rant!

To come back to my original post and all the wonderful advice you all gave me, I do agree I need more adult interaction and will try and make this happen, I will also put the going-back-to-work option on the back burner for the time being and will also look at getting advice from a lactation consultant.

I can see there are very mixed views on whether to shift towards formula or not. In an ideal world, I'd like to stick to breastmilk although I'd like to be able to express it so my husband can feed it to my daughter too so I get more time to myself. As my daughter was refusing the bottle when we tried, my HV told me not to push her too much with it in case she ends up preferring the bottle over my breast in the long run so I sort of gave up with the whole thing at this stage. Do you know if it is true though?

Someone left a link to another thread about having a 'different' baby. Thank you so much for it - I could have written it myself! - and it is certainly reassuring to know we are not the only ones.

As a final question though, whenever I decide to go back to work, in your experience would a high needs baby be better off with a childminder or in a nursery? Before giving birth, my husband and I were both leaning for a nursery as it felt structured, hopefully well monitored and gave an opportunity for our daughter to mix with many children but would such a big structure be too much for her?

Good advice in these posts I think. Although if you're happy she's getting enough with breastfeeding, don't start stressing that she's not. Like a pp said, if she's gaining weight and producing wet nappies she's probably absolutely fine. Expressing milk can be hard and isn't a reflection of how much milk you have, I could never do it but fed mine fine.

On the sling - might it be worth trying some different ones? Mine hated the first sling I got which was a pain as he was a high needs needing to be held all the time type baby too. I had given up on them when I went to an expo thing and tried a new type which he weirdly loved instantly. It meant I had my hands free and could go about my day going for walks, making food etc for the first time in weeks with him safely held in the carrier and happy because he was close to me. Changed my life, seriously it made things so much easier. There are online sling libraries you can hire from or there might be a meet up near you you could try.

You sound like you're doing a much better job than you think you are by the way. High needs babies are bloody hard work!

High needs baby will probably find a childminder easier than nursery. Your little one is still tiny though. Her personality will start coming through more and more as the weeks go by and you'll get more of a feel for what would suit her.

You need some time to yourself. I was in yor exact situation with a reflux baby who needed holding 24:7. I would no my recommending stopping breast feeding as formula can make the reflux so much worse.

What worked for me was I paid for a local lovely lady to come and literally hold my DS while I had some time to myself - just 1 or 2 hours every week day. Sometimes I slept, sometimes had a bath, or just pottered around. It made a massive difference. She also put some tea on for me in the slow cooker before she left so it was one left thing to do.

I am sure my famil thought I had PND, I didn't. I was just sleep deprived and struggling to be with DS 24:7. Those couple of hours a day made such a difference.

Looking back I wished I had left the house more with DS. I didn't for the reasons you mentioned but being inside all day drove me stir crazy.

I have already arranged KIT days for January when my daughter will be 9 months old by the way, then will be working two half-days a week until I go back full time mid-march. Well, that's the original plan so far.

No one, not even the most maternal person who was desperate to be a SAHM for the rest of their life, would enjoy being stuck at home with a crying baby for 12 weeks. That is basically torture.
Firstly, there is a reason your baby is crying. She has reflux and it really hurts. You need proper prescription medication for her that will ease the discomfort a bit. Go to the doctor and get referred to a paediatric gastroenterologist. Do not take no for an answer.
The other reason babies cry is because they are really really chronically overtired. Most people underestimate this. At 12 weeks old, she can handle 60-90 mins awake time only.
You need to get the baby settled and then you will feel much better about it all and you'll be able to make a decision about going back to work. Don't make such an important decision in the depths of despair. In any case if you're working all day then coming home to a wretched screaming baby that will be even worse. So most important is to sort the crying out.
Finally, you might well have PND. I would imagine 12 weeks of being cooped up with a screaming baby would make anyone depressed. Take the PND questionnaire online and if you meet the criteria then start medication.

I am being a bit blunt and directive but that is because I really really want to help. (I have a small amount of knowledge which is guiding my advice, I am not talking out of my arse.)

OP it sounds like you're doing a great job, and asking for support/advice is such a positive thing. There's so much pressure on new parents and I think many of us go on maternity leave with unrealistic expectations of what it will be like. It can be extremely isolating for one thing. I was scared to ask for help and admit that I felt horribly low & hopeless because I thought everyone would think I was a failure or that I somehow didn't love/appreciate my DS enough. I know now that that's utter rubbish, and that many new mums have similar feelings.
In my experience it is perfectly possible to feel extremely low one minute and then absolutely fine the next even with PND. For me, my mood was very much tied to how good/bad a dsy I had had with my little one. Of course that is absolutely not to say that you have PND, but I'm glad to hear you're aware of the possibility, because there is a great deal of support available if you find that it is the case.
It sounds like you've had terrible luck with HVs and the like. I would be seriously considering making an official complaint about some of the things you've said. It's awful! Scaring you with the thought of social services was completely unnecessary and so unhelpful. It sounds like any struggles you're having are well within the range of normal! Just remember that you can request a different HV if you want, and those visits are not complusory. You can have your GP do the routine check-ups with your baby if you prefer. I'm currently expecting my DC2 and I will not be having a HV this time round, after the awful experience I had first time.
Good luck OP. Keep reminding yourself that it really is going to get better very soon, and keep asking for the support you need. You can do this!

Oh and yes, every parent would be as distressed as you are by an unhappy, tired, reflux baby who cries non-stop! There really would be something wrong with you if you weren't distressed by that. I know from personal experience that it is torture.

I had a baby with colic who cried all of the time and I hated maternity leave too! I went to a mother and baby group once and the group leader asked a question about how we all felt about going back to work. I said that I was looking forward to it because my job was something that I was good at and that I was looking forward to feeling like 'me' again. Every other mother, every single one, followed by saying that they couldn't even begin to think about it because it would be too hard to leave their baby. I have never felt so shit about myself in all my life. I went back when dd was 9 month old due to financial reasons. When I did go back, I really missed the little bugger. Colic is the hardest and most shit thing you will ever go through. People who havent had a colicky baby have no clue. My dd's schedule was scream, try to feed, scream, nap for 20 minutes, scream, try to poo, scream etc. Colief helped in the early months but the main difference was age. Once she got to 7-8 months and was eating plenty of food she was a different child. Going back to work was right for me. I did 4 days so had a day with her which lessened my guilt a bit. Shes almost 5 now and I have watched her thrive and love nursery and now school. Going back to work was right for us and I am a better mum because of it. Colic is temporary - it will get better. Do what is right for your family.

I just read through your last post. Your HV's are completely shit. Ignore them and their 'strikes'. You are doing a great job. There are mother who do not take their babies to any kind of clinic - the fact that you are their and asking for help shows how much you care. In a couple of months you will start solids and your dd will be so much better. Trust me. I weaned (on GP advice due to DD refusing milk feeds and dropping centiles) at 18 weeks and it was the best thing I did.

There is lots of good advice on this thread, which I don't think I can add to, posting to sat at 12 weeks I'd have written something similar. It's much better at 20 weeks, baby has a personality, and yes the sleep is still not good, but the naps are improving which gives me a bit of me time! Hang in there

Just for the trapped wind issue I used a baby probiotic and it worked wonders...there are loads on the market

Hi op. I felt like you at 12 weeks with my first baby. It was awful - she cried pretty much constantly and I was in some kind of shock about what my life had been reduced to (feeding, nappies, being permanently awake). I wanted to go back to work but just carried on and by 6 months she was a different baby. Much more settled, could sit and grab toys, slept all night mostly and had a little personality. By the time I had to return to work at 10 months I was heartbroken and wished I could have had longer.
You must do whatever makes you happy but remember you are not in the best bit- little babies are relentless but it all gets better. Ive tried harder to just keep going with ds as I knew it gets better rapidly.

Oh you poor thing. It must be so hard. I wrote a desperate post on here in the early days. Hated it. Thought I'd made a terrible mistake. Couldn't bear the wait for when it would get better.

Re the crying and colic- you are very near the time when this is likely to stop. I don't know any babies, even those who would scream for 7 hours straight, who were still colicky by 16 weeks. We had 4 hours every evening and by 16 weeks it literally just faded away, over the course of about 10 days.

I would be careful about limiting your diet- unless you are certain, from stopping and starting things things (I had this with eggs so I'm not being dismissive as I know it is possible) then it's actually statistically very unlikely to be a food intolerance and much more likely to just be the fact that babies do just get unexplained colic and reflux before their digestive system matures.

We haven't had silent reflux but my DS was very very refluxy until over 4 months. I found trying to make sure he got as much hind milk as possible helpful, so really trying to resist changing sides. The hindmilk helps settle their stomach. I was also convinced he was taking in air when feeding although a lot of people were dismissive of this and said it wasn't even possible which is not true.

I would be VERY cautious about the people suggesting switching to bottle or formula UNLESS you feel that feeding itself is making you unhappy, which apart from the inevitable restrictions of it it doesn't sound like, as you say you hope to carry on to 6 months. Friends have had trouble finding formula that doesn't worsen colic or cause indigestion, and bottle feeding generally seems to create more wind. I would look at getting her tongue and latch assessed though.

How are you winding her? We had our best relief from the leopard in a tree position.

You also say she needs to be carried but doesn't like the sling. If you could get her in a sling they could be life changing for you. Which slings have you tried? Have you tried something soft like a wrap or ring sling? My DS hated the structured slings (Bjorn, ergo etc) until he was much bigger and we only had success when I borrowed a Caboo. Have you got a sling library anywhere near you?

Re the more emotional side...If I could go back and do it again (we're nearly 6 months in now) I would just try to fight the whole thing less. Impossible at the time as your brain just has to get there for itself but I made myself so unhappy comparing my new life to my old life, trying to get back 'normal' and then getting even more upset when inevitably I couldn't. I sobbed when my DH went back to work after pat leave as I was so jealous he got to escape. Somewhere along the line I gradually accepted it, and started enjoying my new normal and now I don't even want to go back to work!

It really really will get easier. 3 months feels sooo long but it is stil v v early days.

I've not read the full thread sorry if I repeat.

DS (4) was a high needs baby never happy always crying, didn't sleep at night took an hour to go down for a 30 mum nap total nightmare. I remember saying to dp at 4 months I'm going to see if I can go back to work because obviously DS just hates me. I didn't and I'm so glad because it started to get better right around that time. Once he started to sit up he got better then by the time he was crawling was miles better by 11 months he could walk and turned into an angel child, friends family and nursery always say he's so happy and chilled a friend I hadn't seem since the dark days said she couldn't believe he was the same child! He's sitting on my knee now happily watching TV super cute Back at 3/4 months I couldn't imagine us sitting just relaxing.

So here's my advice based on our experience. Keep her upright as much as possible, push chair, hair chair/bumbo tilted mattress, go out even when she cries if people don't like it tough shit you can always offer them a go of doing a better job and look at the feeding she might be hungry or maybe she's just got into a bad habit of small frequent feeds meaning she's not getting enough rest? DS needed quite a strict routine to function well he's only just got to the stage that we can have late nights or eat later than usual but he seemed to thrive on routine so it was worth it.

I'm expecting my second now which goes to show it does end and it's all worth it.

kiki your post is lovely . I'm expecting my DC2 too, after a very tricky, clingy reflux baby. We are either bonkers, or it really does get so much better!

Thank you. Excuse my typos. Its all worth it in the end for me

Personally I'd get her on a bottle and get yourself more of a break (whether that's your DP or a childminder one day a week) - maybe when you've had more of a break you can decide whether you really want to go back to work or not, and if you do then you already have your baby settled at childcare.

Mine started childcare at 6 months 7 months, and settled very quickly. 9-12 months is pretty much the worst age for babies to begin in childcare as that is when they get separation anxiety.

Thanks everyone. I am a true believer I should listen to people who have been through similar experiences. Literally all of you agree the early days are the worst part and things should gradually get better so I'll hang in there before looking at going back to work.

Thanks for the advice on breastfeeding and latching too. Will have a look into it.

I agree I should be careful with restricting my diet. Having said that, the both times I tried to reintroduce dairy, my daughter happened to have very bad nights. I am not sure whether this was just coincidence as it is something that could still happen without dairy but I'm dreading having to go through one of those again due to my own doing so will refrain from dairy a little while longer (I am taking supplements and include other calcium-rich foods to my diet )

With regards to slings, we have tried the structured type which my daughter hates and the stretchy type which she never accepted indoors, and tolerated outdoors the first few weeks but not any longer. There is a sling library near where I live (I had never heard of those so thanks for pointing it out!) so will check if there is anything my daughter likes at all.

As one of you said, I just need to accept I have a high needs baby rather than try and fight it. Comparing her with other babies won't help, and comparing my previous life to my life now is best avoided!

Congratulations for the two ladies expectating!

• congratulations to

Didn't want to read and run. Your HV sounds like a nightmare. Well done for surviving.

Do what suits you.

With my first I BF until a year, but found mat leave really difficult so went back at 6 months to my wonderful job, and my baby was with my OH for 1 day, and 4 days with the best childminder in the world , and, now, at 3, our daughter is a delightful little person who regards the childminder as part of the family.. (I expressed and eventually she took my milk from a cup when I was back at work.. )

With my second she was v demanding and I was bloody knackered at 5 weeks so I started combination feeding, which isn't positively discussed enough. It is brilliant. I'm not knackered, but little one (now 4 months) gets me and also so get a break. First 12 weeks I was really struggling as this little one cried when out in the pram/sling/whatever etc- nightmare. Suddenly, 13 weeks she improved.. I hope yours does too. I'm planning to take a year this time.. Then go back to my lovely work.. But it does get easier, and good childcare is priceless!

But go back to work when you need. My two best mates- one is a SAHM, and the other went back to work with a nanny at 9 weeks- and we have no judgement! We all do it differently!!!

Definitely found first 12 weeks the hardest and I had a happy baby who napped well. Don't underestimate the toll of sleep deprivation.

I agree she may well be overtired. My DS is a similar age to your LO and was unsettled until we realised he was simply tired. He cannot handle more than 90 mins absolute Max and often more like an hour. Now I watch him like a hawk and put him down for naps the minute he yawns (properly - swaddled, dark, dummy, white noise). He's now like a different baby, it's incredible.