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Parenting

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Original poster

Me and Dp keep disagreeing on Discipline

29 replies

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 16:57

He thinks I should smack them and I don't. I have smacked them before but it hasn't made any difference so now I don't.

The main prob is with Dd2. She is a handful (or several) and I am now completely at a loss as what to do with her really.

Yesterday we went out for the day. On our way back to the car we stopped at a cheapy shop for a quick mouch. Dd1 asked for a sticker set and i said she could have it. I then told Dd2 she could have one too. Dd2 said she didn't want them ,could she have something else. I said no because most of it was crap and i knew she would take all day to choose (the shop was shutting).
I told her, stickers or nothing, so she picked up something else and tried to run out of the shiop with it. I caught her and put the stuff back, and she then took off around the shop.
Eventually I got her and took her out of the shop and refused to let her have the stickers (she had changed her mind by then).
Dp thinks I should of smacked her. I think that not letting her have the stickers was quite enough to show her I wasn't pleased.
He said i am a pushover and the kids do what they like. I don't agree but do admitt that I feel out of my depth with Dd2 as she often behaves like that when i'm on my own with her and Ds and then i can't chase after her.

Sorry for the wittering, just wondered what everyone thought.

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Hulababy · 01/06/2004 17:01

You could show him the link on the thread on here earlier - the one linking to study findings of negative aspects of smaking???

FWIW I don't think smacking helps. And it sound slike your DD's punishment was sufficient - she didn't get what she wanted and she didn't 'win' - you didn't give in.

DD is only just 2 so I don't have much practical advice I'm afraid but I am sure more MNetters will be along with lots soon

secur · 01/06/2004 17:04

Message withdrawn

LIZS · 01/06/2004 17:09

You did what I would have done and deprived her of the treat for messing around, although it sounds as if she wasn't really being that unreasonable in wanting to choose something she'd appreciate more and perhaps didn't understand why that wasn't possible. Not sure what smacking in that situation would achieve. I feel it is better to give an incentive for good behaviour, such as "you can have stickers another time when you do as you are asked and we have more time", rather than prolonging the negative feeling.

Does he generally think that smacking is appropriate or was it just a reaction to this incident?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

papillon · 01/06/2004 17:21

I think this is the thread the Hulababy means.. the one whose title is repeated about 600 times

here

Original poster

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 17:21

He generally aggres with smacking.

I think he thinks that i'm a pushover because i soemtimes tell Dd2 that she can't have/do something because of her behaviour but then i'll let her anyway to keep the peace.

That is my own fault i know, but i can't always think of anything reasonable to threaten her with and usually end up saying she can't go to grandads or something which will never happen as we always go.

OP posts:

secur · 01/06/2004 17:27

Message withdrawn

LIZS · 01/06/2004 17:29

Would a behaviour reward chart work for her ? That way she can see her own progress, has positive incentives (such as 5 days of stars = stickers) and misses out when she misbehaves. The rewards do need to be tangible though and you need to be firm if she doesn't deserve it.

Original poster

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 17:30

That sounds like a good idea Secur, i will have to think of something similar for DD i think.

Need to be something that only punishes her though and not Dd1 aswell (they share a room and do most things together)

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Original poster

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 17:32

Yeah have thought about doing that Liz, but i think she'd get bored or just say that she wasn't bothered if she didn't get anything. She would be bothered though if she had something taken off her (i think).

OP posts:

aloha · 01/06/2004 17:47

I strongly believe smacking doesn't help at all. Have you seen any of the Little Angels programmes at all Nutty? The psychologist there achieves amazing things without any question of smacking.

Personally - and this isn't a criticism - but I would have said yes to your dd's request, which was IMO reasonable. BUT I would have said, yes you can have something else, but you have to choose very quickly, by the time I count to ten (or something) because the shop is shutting. My dh told me that in raising his dd (now 12) he always said yes to any reasonable request. If he couldn't afford something he would say so. That way he never had to go back on what he said, which is, I think when children often melt-down.

aloha · 01/06/2004 17:50

Nutcracker, I also strongly think you should never threaten something/take something away and cave in later. That's a recipe for disaster. I think the sticker chart might work well for your dd - and don't think in terms of punishment - think it terms of rewards. Ie she gets happy faces/gold stars for being good and lovely (and lots and lots of praise) and a treat at the end of it - IF her behaviour is what you'd like. Remember to keep praising her for any good behaviour. If you give her more attention when she is 'naughty' then she will continue to be naughty just to get your attention.

aloha · 01/06/2004 17:51

Why not at least try the reward sticker chart? You have nothing to lose. Also do remember to praise her a lot when she behaves in a way you like.

Original poster

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 18:13

Sorry i should of said, I did let her have a look at the other stuff but she kept picking stuff that was alot more than what Dd1 had had, and i had already spent a small fortune that day.
I did show her a couple of other things but she didn't want those either. Then i lost my rag and said stickers or nothing. I did explain why she couldn'rt have all of the other things too.

I would love to watch the Little Angels series but I don't have Bbc3 (am hoping that it may eventually be on Bbc1).

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Original poster

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 18:19

I think Dp just upset me really cos it seems like he thinks i'm not trying to sort her out.
I have asked my H.V for help and Dd has been reffered for a hearing test to make sure she can actually hear what i'm asking her to do.
I have also told her nursery that we are having probs but they think she is brilliantly behaved there, which makes me feel like it must be my fault.

I tried to find out about doing a parenting course but couldn't find any near to me.
I do priase her when she's good, and i always explain to her why she's been told off or punished.
I had a long chat with her the other week about how to behave and how it upsets me when we fall out. She really seemed to understrand what i was saying but then 5 minutes later she was kicking and hitting her sister, so i must have that wrong.

Should a 4 yr old be able to understand that ??

OP posts:

aloha · 01/06/2004 18:49

I think she may be able to understand but at 4 she will still be very impulsive and 'unreasonable' and her emotions will easily override her intelligence. I think the puppy training approach works better than explanations, personally, at this age. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and don't get support from your dh. It is hard in shops, isn't it? I don't think at that age they really get the cost thing very well. It sounds a difficult situation.

LIZS · 01/06/2004 18:50

Yes on one level I think they can understand that but also they are still quite impulsive at 4 and level headedness can quickly disappear when things don't go their way. The praising good behaviour does seem quite artificial and empty at first but if you can offer more attention when she is being good than when she plays up you should see some results. However I'm sure it is difficult to think about that with 3 in tow especially if she runs off.

Could you try a chart you might be surprised and if she loses interest after a week then it may still have been enough to tip the balance and you have lost nothing.

Original poster

Nutcracker · 01/06/2004 18:56

Thanks guys. Think i will give the chart a go.
Need to do something before Ds turns into a monster too

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Toots · 01/06/2004 19:36

Aloha - what kind of thing's involved in puppy training method? (I've always wanted a dog )

aloha · 01/06/2004 22:43

Oh you know - doggy treats, keeping them on a leash
No, just the same stuff as dog trainers use - ignoring the bad, praising the good, rewards not punishments, time out for really unacceptable stuff. It works on dogs too, I understand!

marialuisa · 02/06/2004 08:48

We've gone for the Skinnerian approach Aloha mentions and it definitely works. It means that we have been forced to be very calm and any threats are very carefully thought out to ensure that there's no danger that we will fail to follow them up if necessary. I don't understand why anybody would need to smack, but there we go.

Nutty, FWIW I think the way you handled your DD was fine. Do you think it's perhaps an age/background thing with your DP? If he grew up thinking that smacking was the normal way of dealing with bad behaviour he may not have thought about alternatives. Don't worry about your DS, if you start as you mean to go on he'll be fine.

secur · 02/06/2004 10:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Nutcracker · 02/06/2004 11:03

I think Dp does have a different approach because of his age (20 yrs older than me) and he was smacked as a child. I was also smacked but not that often i don't think as i can't really remember it.

I am going to sit down and have a good think about what will work with Dd2. She can be good, so i will try to focus on that and give her extra praise.

Thanks for all the advice, i'll let you know how i go.

OP posts:

tigermoth · 03/06/2004 07:50

nuckcracker, does your dh look after your children much by himself? I just wondered if he had much experience of contrlling them when he takes them out. Are his commnets on smacking based on tried and tested methods or is he saying it more as an outsider? My dh does quite a lot of looking after our two sons at the moment - on school days he picks them up and has them for 2 or 3 hours for instance. I have noticed that the more time alone he spends with them, the more flexible he becomes. It's not that he tolerates bad behaviour (though he does get more relaxed about it) but he does get more inventive in his ways to control it. He came to his own conclusion that regular smacking is not the way to go.

Do you think it would help if you could somehow leave your dh in charge of your children more often?

secur · 03/06/2004 10:40

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Nutcracker · 03/06/2004 11:08

TM - No he doesn't really look after them much at all. Infact the only time he has them on his own, is on a saturday mornming when i take Dd1 to ballet.
I think you may be right though, because when he was married, he used to look after his other two kids alot, and even after the seperation he initally had them after school and in holidays, and he didn't used to have trouble controlling them.

Thats the problem alot of the time, because he keeps saying that his kids never behaved like this, and they they always got a smack.
It's actually not true though as his kids were a pain in the ass and he never used to tell them off at all.

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