worried about niece and nephew

[natalya7]

Hi,
I'm new here so not sure if I'm posting in the right place..
My sister has an almost 4 yr old little girl and a almost 3 yr old little boy. Outwardly it would appear nothing is wrong, they're dressed ok, clean etc. it's more my sister and her husbands routine I worry about. My sister does love her kids don't get me wrong, but she is not the most caring person, she works 44 hours a week & the kids are in nursery 4 days a week, the other day with grandma. The almost 3 year old is not potty trained nor have they attempted to saying they don't have the time. He is very aware and let's you know when he's done something but won't go to the toilet even if we put pants on him. Basically no one has put the time in with him. My almost 4 year old niece is developing a speech problem, she stutters A LOT and still has a dummy.. Again it's 'easier' to let her have it. They're behavior is atrocious, they are not used to the word 'no' and do as they please, if anyone says no they throw a huge tantrum. My sister and husband are lazy parents and live their lives as though they don't have kids, my sister is out most weekends and more interested in her appearance. She spends no time with them in the week but will get someone to have them on a weekend too. I think this could be why they're behavior is so bad, they have no routine. They both fall to sleep downstairs, and are carried upto bed about 11pm and then have to get up at 6.30 to be at nursery at 8 until 6. I'm worried about my niece because she starts school in September and will be at school from 8-6 everyday at breakfast and after school club, she will also be there in the holidays. I feel really bad for her, she is so insecure. They don't sit for meals, they snack. They have no routine.
My sister is chasing money and abandoning her kids.
My mother has tried to tell her, she just doesn't listen, thinks the kids behaviors is fine and as long as she is happy that's all that matters.
I used to love my sister and we were very close, but she has changed so much that I don't even know who she is anymore. I'm not sure what I should do. Does anyone have any suggestions? Am I overreacting? Is this normal?

Wind your neck in. Does the dad also work full time? Then why the fuck is your post about the mother and the mother working full time?

A full time career with two kids who shock horror are going to childcare?

Won't someone write to the daily mail? Won't someone call the social services? Burn the witch that works full time! Burn her!

This is a complete difference in parenting styles and that's it . Who is to judge which is the best way? Regarding potty training, it's completely normal to wait until 3, especially for boys, as they learn much quicker. My DS was showing signs of being ready for 20 months, but we still waited until he was nearly 3. It took less than 2 weeks and he went straight from nappy to toilet, so much easier all round.

so are you back at work or still on maternity leave with time to pontificate on what a perfect parent you are?

Do you know what I feel really sorry for you... all these nasty comments on here. Mumsnet is just full of bitchiness there's no empathy or understanding at all. She wasn't getting at people working full time so why everyone is getting defensive is beyond me. If you all read the post properly working full time is not the problem!!

Half these people just want to have a fight for the sake of it instead of offering some helpful kind advice. Typical mumsnet keyboard warriors.

I can see why you'd be worried. Lack of interest in things like potty training would worry me. It's neglectful. The OP mentions her sister more as she's her sister I expect. It is weird how many people feel defensive upon reading your post. It's not about working full time.

Leaving potty training to age 3+ is not neglectful.

No of course it's not, but showing no interest in it is.

showing no interest or not being willing to talk about it with her judgy sister who thinks she's a shit parent for not having done it? we don't know.

I'm sorry but you absolutely are being judgemental about full time work..... the only thing I see in your posts that is remotely valid is about their routine which is the only thing I could understand you being able to bring up with her

You are worried because you don't agree with her working full time ?? That is beyond arrogant. ...here's an eye opener your opinion absolutely does not matter it is irrelevant to another's parenting unless there is abuse concern

Hmmm a 4 month old?? Let's see how you feel when someone arrogantly questions a decision you have made in the future ....I truly hope you think of this and at the point go and apologise to your sister

Grow up op your perspective is flawed arrogant and frankly unimportant to your aister

So much of this, like the toilet training, might be laughing off in public something they have been trying to sort in private with no success so far. Particularly with judgy relatives.

And it's entirely normal for kids to start (and stop) stammering at this stage in their development.

And yes, I'm another who struggles to see how I don't agree with a 4 year old starting school and having to be there at 8 am until 6pm. To me that's awful, is anything but judgemental.

of course it's judgemental and i have nothing to be defensive about as i don't work full time. as was the phrase about being after the money when clearly she should be at home or doing a little part time job as a woman and mother.

there may be some valid concerns in there but when someone says stuff like this with relish they become an unreliable source imo - how can you know what is true observation in an account peppered with prejudice and ''my ways better than yours'ism?

sometimes envy comes out this way too - i'm not jealous about the money because money is bad, i'm not jealous about their social life because having a social life with kids is bad. unacknowledged envy can come out as denigration of that which one is jealous of.

True on all counts.

I think op is being given a hard time hear. If you read her posts I see a mum who is avoiding spending time with her children as much as possible. 'she was offered a 4 day a week job for more money', so the working full time is not about the money then as some may be saying. She choose to work full time instead so as not to spend time alone with her children. Then she seems to pram them off on anyone who will have them even if they don't take proper care of them. This is slightly worrying, did she have PND at all go back to work early with both of just finding having two close together hard work maybe?

She's avoiding the problem what ever it is and yes while indivialy things like late potty training aren't an issue. I think just sticking a dummy in a child's mouth to keep them happy all the time is lazy parenting (different if they still need it to sleep). She's got two toddlers is a hard stage and sound like she's trying to avoid it rather then actually parent them. Which is just going to cause problems later for them all. She needs some support. And weather you like it or not when you have children you can't carry on like you don't have any getting drunk every weekend and ignoring them isn't on.

It's difficult as I don't know how you'd raise it with your sister without sounding judgemental. Maybe just offer to help with things like toilet training, or enquire how it's going?

OP is inconsistent - her sister is both 'chasing the money' and has turned down a job with more money/fewer hours.

And yes, her sister may be a lazy or overwhelmed parent. Ditto the children's father who is predictably getting a free pass here.

Migrill your post is so dripping with sexism that you don't even see it. What about women working for their own ambitions? What is this fuck about going part time if it's financially viable? And why at all are we discussing mum mum mum and mum alone? Every lawyer doctor engineer researcher scientist should only work full time if needs must and all that? Ah only if they are a female who has reproduced. I see.

She choose to work full time instead so as not to spend time alone with her children

Vomit inducing.

maybe the part time post would have been a career dead end, maybe it was in an area she didn't want to be in, maybe she loves the job she has and it leads on to better. it's the ops opinion she just doesn't want to be with her children because of her value set that says women should go part time if they can because being in childcare is, quote, awful!

no mention of dad, doesn't occur to the OP that he could go part time or not go out etc.

people's own internalised sexism makes them blind to other people's.

incidentally i had cousins who sound very similar (right down to the dummy and potty training). despite my judgement (in my own head only btw) their children have turned out fine and the family seems very happy and are very financially secure and have been able to provide great opportunities for their children due to that.

we just don't know and the account given is totally biased.

The dad hasn't been mentioned one fucking time yet by those women berating the mum. God this thread has depressed me.

It sounds like your sister might not be very good with little children but she might come into her own as a parent when they are teenagers. IF she is not good with little ones it might be good they are being looked after by relatives and nurseries. That is the benefit of modern life where women are not having to stay at home with the children

When your dd starts school the parents may well find they have to go into a routine to cope which is likely to be helpful to the whole family.

Batterscat that's what you see when you read my post. I've work with several men who have happily work this sort of 4 day a week time scale. I think in reality it would be better off we all did. Even those without children. Many studies show it gives a better work life balance and more jobs for everyone.

Two parents working 4 days a week is better from a childcare point of view as well. More affordable, more time with parents.

Oh and it didn't seem to effect their careers either but that's probably because they where men nothing to do with being a parent.

Discimation happens in the work place I don't think we should have to behave like men in order to change that.

so a woman who values her career and doesn't want to go part time is behaving like a man?

yes, it is a depressing thread.