would you report this person and how could I go about doing it!?

[sammyjayneex]

So we live in a culdesac and my children play out on the street. I check on them every 5-10 mins.
My 9 year old told me when I brought her in for tea that this van ( looks like it's some form of transport for dropping Off the elderly or disabled children to their homes) and he was dropping off this lady ( I think she's a member of staff he must work with as she wears a badge but I can't quite catch where she works) in one of the houses opposite to us. My daughter said she was stood with her friend and he started talking to them and they turned around and said something along the lines of 'your in trouble you, or are you in trouble or stay out of trouble you' something along those lines, my daughter didn't quite catch it because he said of and drove off. Now to me this is unacceptable, approaching young girls, making unpleasant remarks and driving off. She said she just ignored him. I've told her she should never talk to strangers and she should come straight to me as soon as it happens instead of ages after. I have seen this van plenty of times. One time a man made a Comment towards me whilst I was walking down the street, I ignored him and put him down to being a rude sad man, but now he's made comments towards my daughter I'm fuming and want to report him but there isn't any company name on the van. It's just a van with Windows. I was thinking of waiting tomorrow afternoon for the van to come up and taking is reg number or approaching myself and asking him who the hell he thinks he is!

[SoupDragon]

I wonder what the popular opinion would be if the man had been on a building site instead of in a van

Why would that make a difference?

[AugustaFinkNottle]

This is what I don't want.. I don't want to walk down the street minding my own business and to be told to 'smile or cheer up' by some random man in a van

Well, you'll just have to get used to things happening when you walk down the street that you don't want. That's life, and it's extraordinary you haven't discovered it by now. When I walk down the street I don't want to breathe in other people's smoke, I don't want their dogs sniffing round me, but I realise that that's just part of being in society and we live and let live.

But why should I be harassed by a man driving a van purposely rolling down his window telling me to smile? That's not being sociable that's being a twat

It might be being a twat, but it isn't harassment. Get over it.

[Buggers]

I wonder what people defending the op would be saying if it was a woman who made the comment.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

It's entitled male behaviour to my mind

No, it isn't. I've heard plenty of women making precisely the remarks quoted here.

[sammyjayneex]

TimeforWhine

Exactly
Why should I have to smile? What if I was having a bad day, had some bad news and I don't want to smile .

[Lovemylittlebears]

Is this thread for real? If so
A - people will make comments to children. We are raised differently and don't all have the same social expectation. Maybe he feels it is fine to say something to a child or a person in passing. If you are worried of anything more sinister then this - you shouldn't let her out by herself and should be out there with her or her friends in the house or garden.

B - if people are looking at you when you are doing something or walking (which children do sometimes) it's normal to fill the silence. This is where a random silence killer phrase like - keep our of trouble you two - might naturally occur.

This man should not be reported unless he has actually done anything wrong. You could talk to him though and say your daughter isn't allowed to talk to strangers and say she didn't feel comfortable but you may come across as a huge nob. I would only do this if I needed to suss him out to see if I felt there was anything dodgey about him and decide not to leave daughters play outside.

[TimeForWhine]

Augusta, it's only 'not harassment' because it's not yet considered unacceptable behaviour to cat call/comment/demean/criticise etc etc a passing female. Maybe one day it will be. Doesn't stop many of us finding it bloody irritating in the meantime.

[pieceofpurplesky]

Wow.
Surely this is a wind up?
So a man said something to your DD and her friend who were stride in a grass verge near to where he dropped a colleague off - but you are not sure what but it could be "are you being good girls?" Or "don't get in to trouble"
Pretty standard comments to kids. I have said them before to children. My 80 year old dad always makes a comment to children out playing - nothing sinister just a comment.

And another man who may or may not be the same but drives a similar van said "cheer up" or "smile".
And you want to report him to his boss for being weird. He's not the weird one here OP.

[PatriciaHolm]

Then don't smile! No-one is trying to force you, just making comments. Sometimes they can be annoying, but short of going to live in the Outer Hebrides, we will interact with annoying people sometimes. Deal with it.

[EMS23]

Don't ever come to Wales - people are very friendly here and speak to each other all the time.

Actually on that note, don't go to Italy either - people actually touch babies they don't even know there!!!

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Maybe, TimeForWhine, but then again lots of bloody irritating things happen to everyone lots of the time. We learn to cope with it. It doesn't help in any way to blow them up into massive issues and make ridiculous mountains out of molehills. I had some idiot hoot at me when he was in the wrong lane this morning, it was irritating. I thought "Twat" to myself and drove on, I didn't decide he was doing it because he derived some benefit from it or was harassing me, and I neither started a Mumsnet thread about it nor did I decide I needed to report him.

[TheUnsullied]

Augusta, it's only 'not harassment' because it's not yet considered unacceptable behaviour to cat call/comment/demean/criticise etc etc a passing female. Maybe one day it will be. Doesn't stop many of us finding it bloody irritating in the meantime.

Most of these things haven't actually happened in this scenario. The man made a comment. One that sounds quite run of the mill and innocent. He didn't catcall or demean or criticise. If the OP has an issue with anyone saying anything to her and her DD, they should both be staying indoors.

[TimeForWhine]

I don't understand why/how people haven't noticed that both op and her daughter didn't like what he said and how he said it. Perhaps, just perhaps he really wasn't just trying to be friendly, perhaps, just perhaps the op is right and he is a bit of a knob who just likes to make strange not particularly friendly comments to women. OK, not saying he needs reporting, but how can any of us, other than the op, have any real sense of the spirit in which the comments were actually made?

[Furiosa]

sammyjayneex I think this man pissed you off with "smile" comment (don't know what he actually said) and while thats irritating you saw him say something to your DD.

You've decided to interpret his behaviour as "odd" "immature" and "inappropriate" but you're not giving any thought that he might just be chatting to people in his own way.

I've said it before but you should never attribute malice to where stupidity will suffice.

You don't have to like this man, or talk to him but accusing him of inappropriate behaviour is unfair.

[starsmurf]

Can I suggest that this man might have autism? If he does, then he doesn't mean anything by these comments, he's simply heard other people say them and so he thinks that what you should say to people. He wouldn't recognise that his comments were upsetting you or your daughter. He might think that telling you to cheer up is a nice thing, like telling you he hopes you'll be happy.

If this is the case, again, he's not trying to upset you or your daughter, he's trying to be friendly. And he really can't tell it's upset you, he's not ignoring it or not caring, he just can't see it.

[blueskyinmarch]

@Timeforwhine* OP isn’t even sure this is the same guy!

[amarmai]

sexist behaviour does give a kick of some sort or it wd not be happening. Not sure if it cd backfire if you speak to him or the woman across the road. def use the opportunity to educate your dd and keep an eye out as you may cross paths with the woman and just chat casually without alerting her that you are gathering info .

[AugustaFinkNottle]

I don't understand why/how people haven't noticed that both op and her daughter didn't like what he said and how he said it

Of course we've noticed it, but OP hasn't suggested it was anything to do with his tone of voice and seems to object to the simple words "Cheer up" which she inexplicably interprets as some attempt to joke. It does appear that she misinterprets what was said and that is why she doesn't like it.

Amarmai, why is it sexist behaviour? As mentioned above, I've certainly heard women saying "Cheer up" and "Don't get into trouble".

[FattyNinjaOwl]

I couldn't quite believe a 9 year old doesn't understand the phrase "stay out of trouble" said in a friendly manner in passing. My 2 year old will reply "no" and cackle her little head off. She doesn't fully understand. She just hears "trouble" and "stay out of it" aka "no" but she is far from confused by it. If your 9 year old really was confused then maybe you should be teaching her better social skills.

[FuckoffDM]

Do you not know your neighbour at all?

[BurnTheBlackSuit]

I think maybe the man in the van was right and the OP does need to cheer up...

[exWifebeginsat40]

because if OP had been told to smile or cheer up by a man on a building site and didn't like it, people would be falling over themselves to say how unacceptable this behaviour is.

you don't have to agree with me. I really don't mind.

[gabbyevs]

i didnt get things when i was that age- my uncle always used to say cya later andi was convinced i would be seeing him later that day-i took it literally

just explain shes not in trouble its just a phrase-it makes me wonder sometimes how this world has become so paranoid-its sad really

[TheUnsullied]

because if OP had been told to smile or cheer up by a man on a building site and didn't like it, people would be falling over themselves to say how unacceptable this behaviour is.

Do men on building sites have worse reputations than men in white vans then?

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

This has to be a wind up, yes?