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Original poster

Would you take a 2 1/2 year old to visit a terminally ill, adored grandparent in hospital to say goodbye?

27 replies

oversted · 13/01/2007 00:07

FIL is currently in hospital - heart problems & a long-term battle with cancer. We live 200+ miles away.

There's been a scare in the last 2 days. Immediate crisis is over, but dh & I have been discussing what to do given that FIL's long term prognosis is pretty poor - sooner rather than later we are likely to have to decide: does dh go alone to be with him for his last few days or do we go as a family?

FIL & ds have a fantastic relationship. I would hate to deny FIL the chance to say goodbye to his gc (dd is only 9 months so obviously has no idea gf is ill). On the other hand, ds is going through a phase of being incredibly distressed if anyone around him is hurt/ill/upset in any way.

I'm envisaging a nightmare scenario whereby we go to see FIL, & his being obviously very ill & not his usual larky self hugely upsets ds, which will in turn distress FIL...

I have upsetting memories of my own grandfather dying, but I was 10ish. I honestly don't know what's best for ds, who will probably be 3 at most by the time the decision needs making.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 13/01/2007 00:15

I would say no myself, but then I've never been put in that situation. I was shielded from those kinds of issues when I was little and I'm grateful for it, I think. Can you try to get your DS to see your FIL as often as possible so that it's not been too long when the sad event does eventually happen?

Soapbox · 13/01/2007 00:17

I don't think they really take it all in that well at this age.

My DD was 2.5 when my father died and my DS 6 months.

I raced from London to Glasgow so that they could see each other - by which time my father was not quite with it. DD and DS didn;t notice, nor do they have any recollection.

OTOH it meant the world to me that Dad saw them again!

Go - it will do not harm to your DCs, but possibly enormous good for your FIL

mrsnoah · 13/01/2007 00:18

Yes I would oversted.
I dont think it could affect detrimentally your ds at such a tiny age but the wonderful warmth it would potentially give your FIL could be worth every moment.
I took 1yr old to see dh's Grandad who was dying and it was the most fantastic last memories we have of him and how his eyes lit up and he forgot his pain for just a little while.
Children have an amazing ability to lighten the most difficult situations.

I also think it would be nice for your dh that you are both there for him too.

My FIl died this morning, sadly and we decided to take dd1 and 2 to funeral (10 and 8yrs) as they have asked to go.

Twinklemegan · 13/01/2007 00:20

I defer to the much better advice you've had from people who have been through it. So sorry about your FIL's illness.

bananaloaf · 13/01/2007 00:22

sorry to hear mrs noah. we are in the same position. fil is terminally ill with a prognosis of a few weeks. decided to take dss own to see him as they live 500 miles away. not that s1 whose3.5 understands as he hasnt seen them much, but ds2 is 10 months and fil hadnt meet him. it was more for fil and dh than anything else

SueW · 13/01/2007 00:23

We took DD halfway round the world - UK to NZ - for about 6 weeks to visit terminally ill MIL. We lived in the same house - a 2 bed bungalow - for most of the time. One particular day MIL was feeling very sick (stomach cancer). DD - aged just 3 at the time - said to her:

"Nana sometimes I feel very sick. And then I am sick and I feel better" whilst rubbing her back. MIL was delighted at this conversation hence why I repeat it. DD cannot remember but a few months on suddenly asked 'Why did Nana die?' in the middle of a shopping mall.

But the trip to us was very important so we 'sold' it to DD positively. I have friends and relatives who would not let a child so young near a dying relative and that is their choice. You have to make a decision based on how you feel, how you can sell the visit and how realistic your 'end product' is. MIL had long stages of being out of it but because we were living there we took DD out and only put her with MIL in the relatively +ve moments. If you have a 2-hour hospital window, it could be difficult.

Best wishes.

yeahinaminute · 13/01/2007 00:23

Oh please please do it .... as Soapy said they will only "see" Grandad - not illness, tubes etc - and his joy will be unbounded - My brother and I saw our grandad when he was in hospital about 3 hours before he died - I was 3, bro about 6 - but I sort of remember it and I can remember giving him a cuddle, Bro remembers us going outside the hospital with other older cousins and flying a kite !!- it made it very easy for my dad knowing his dad had seen his grandchildren.

Original poster
oversted · 13/01/2007 00:54

That would seem to be a fairly overwhelming yes then!

Thank you so much for good advice all- especially mrs noah. So sorry to hear of your loss.

OP posts:
yeahinaminute · 13/01/2007 01:01

Oversted - Wishing you and yours courage and strength.

MrsNoah - so sorry for your's and DH's loss

Thinking of both of your families - Be strong :-)

DetentionGrrrl · 13/01/2007 07:56

having seen my MIL die from cancer, i would say chose your moment. try to chose a 'good' day for FIL when he feels relatively chirpy and 'well', and explain to DS that if there are machines / tubes etc, they're because the doctors want to keep an extra special eye on his grandfather.

Don't leave it too late though- my MIL was like a different woman near the end- confused, upset etc. I personally wouldn't let my child see that extent of terminal illness (i didn't want to see it)

best of luck anyway, follow your instinct.

ChicPea · 13/01/2007 09:05

My dh wanted his aunt to see the children as he thought the end was near (she died 4 days later) and I thought it wasn't a good idea. Ds was 18mths and dd was 2 and a few months. She was drugged up on morphine and my dd looked at her with huge eyes and i knew she was scared. While it may have made his aunt happy for a nano second, I regretted that I exposed my dd to that, my ds didn't understand although we didn't tell dd that she was dying or had died. I know this is your fil not an aunt so different so its obviously your choice. Gook luck with your decision.

Charleesunnysunsun · 13/01/2007 09:13

My DS is 2.4 and he see's his termanily ill GGF everyday almost, i love the fact that he has had such a great realtionship with him before he passes away (he has been given 8 weeks max to live)

DS doesn't seem to bothered by the fact that GGF has obviously got worse aver the past few weeks and still chats and plays like he always did.

Fillyjonk · 13/01/2007 09:15

would take them, i think. choose your moment, obviously.

In this situation I know it would mean the world to any of my dc's grandparents to see my kids. So I would do it.

But I would prepare them thoroughly. I'd also get them a book or two about death.

I do think kids can handle a lot more than we give them credit for.

anorak · 13/01/2007 09:18

Yes I would definitely take them. The child doesn't have to be told all the circumstances, he will just see it as a visit to grandad who is not feeling too well.

For Grandad it's something you can't not do. I treasure the photos of my grandad with my little daughter on his lap. It's one of the last things in his life that made him happy. And DD has loved the photos over the years.

Take photos.

satine · 13/01/2007 09:25

I absolutely would. It sounds as though it would mean a lot to your FIL, at a time when the poor man badly needs a ray of light.

tigermoth · 13/01/2007 09:30

I think you should let your FIL see your ds, definitely. Make it sooner rather than later so your FIL is as well as possible (your FIL does want to see your ds, I take it).

I think, as long as your ds has you or your dh near, it should not be too traumatic for him. I am going on my own experience of my sons here. I assume your ds is not familiar with a hosptial environment so all this will be a novelty anyway. If your FIL is not quite himself this will hopefully seem to yous ds as part and parcel of being in hospital.

If you take your ds for a treat at the hospital cafe or buy him a comic from the hospital newasagent afterwards, this might help as well. (That's what I did with my sons when we visited my mother).

Christie · 13/01/2007 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BibiThree · 13/01/2007 14:53

At two and a half things are very easily explained and accepted, so I'd say yes. I doubt it will have a massive effect on your ds but it will benefit FIL greatly I think.

I would not tell him he was going to say goodbye until later, you don't want him telling FIL he's going to heaven now because then FIL will feel upset at ds knowing he's dying. Just let ds have a nice time with FIL and tell ds afterwards that FIL has had to go but he was very happy to see him before he went and he made him happy.

Your choice of course, and you know your ds best. Hope you can make your decision.

S88AHG · 13/01/2007 15:41

I haven't read all this but my dad died 15 months ago my own ds had fantastic relationship with him didnt get chance to say goodbye as sudden death, I would have taken him, maybe donnt need to tell him why he is there at the time but then when he does die you can just remind him of all the good times and that if he wants to see his grandad all he has to do is shut his eyes and he is there. Thats what we tell ours anyway

WideWebWitch · 13/01/2007 17:40

I would take him too.

NAB3 · 13/01/2007 17:43

I think the children really don't notice all the drips etc or if they do are more interested than distressed. I would say go as a family.

JoolsToo · 13/01/2007 17:45

its a difficult situation. If you took your ds it would be more for your FIL as I personally don't think a 2 yearold would remember much about this in later life.

It would depend on how your FIL looks and his level of consciousness. I'm sure it would be lovely for your FIL to see his beloved dgs but only if he's going to be aware that he's there.

mrsnoah · 13/01/2007 20:00

(yeahinaminute; thank you)

WestCountryLass · 13/01/2007 20:04

I would and I did and DS did not really take it in, though my GM was very pleased to see him.

SenoraPartridge · 13/01/2007 20:08

just a thought - have you asked fil what he thinks? some older men don't like to be seen when really ill. If he doesn't mind then I'd take him.