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Parenting

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Original poster

24 yo daughter's boyfriend practically living at our home.

27 replies

Annalou7676 · 10/04/2016 20:35

I have a 24 year old daughter who has been in her current relationship for nearly 4 yrs. over this time his staying over had increased to 4/5 nights per week... We didn't ever really agree this.. It's just kind of happened. Anyway, it's all got a bit too much, my husband and I feel we are living with another adult couple for most of the time. Daughter's boyfriend does contribute £80pm towards bills/food. They are currently saving money to move into their own rented home... However we think the BF is delaying things. It's far too comfortable and cheap at our house! I'm not in a hurry for my daughter to move out but can't cope with the constant presence of her BF. today we had a talk and said the arrangement wasn't really working and that we need to reduce the amount of time he spends at our home. As a result my daughter got upset and is not talking to is at all. I explained that if that they wish to live together they need to get their own home... We cannot carry on like this. It was all done very nicely, we told my daughter that we love her and her BF, suggested that maybe they stay at his parents house sometimes (she says she can't as he shares a room with his brother and she's allergic to his dog). Just wondering whether I should have kept quiet and put up with it for a while longer? Her BF is not particularly helpful around the house, spends all his time watching tv, he will help with clearing up after meals but never offers to help with anything else. Feeling upset because I've fallen out with my daughter. Xx

OP posts:

PenelopePitstops · 10/04/2016 20:39

My inlaws are in the same situation as you but genders reversed, they are fed up of the girlfriend!

You are 100% in the right. It is your house and you want to relax. £80pm is nothing for effectively living with someone!! You either up the money or he moves out.

You shouldn't feel any guilt at all, you don't dislike him and you haven't fallen out with him. It sounds like you've been incredibly reasonable and your daughter has initially reacted badly. She has no idea what it is like to have someone in your home all the time. When they get a place, move in for a week and she'll understand (I'm joking!).

RNBrie · 10/04/2016 20:40

I'm sorry you're feeling upset but you've done the right thing and I think you know that. It's your home, not his, he was never invited to move in.

Your daughter will be fine once she's got her head around the new rules.

Well done for dealing with it head on in a proper adult conversation rather than just going all passive aggressive on them!

cavedescreux · 10/04/2016 20:40

I don't have much experience op as my children are young. But it sounds to me that you have handled this sensitively and carefully and that the young couple are just a bit selfish. Hopefully she will come round. I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

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Hassled · 10/04/2016 20:43

So is it the case that if he got his act together re clearing up and helping it would be less of an issue? Or is the problem really that you don't want another adult in the house regardless of how helpful he is? That's completely fair enough but it's hard to say what you can do without a major falling out with your daughter. Could you come up with new ground-rules to allow more time for you and your husband to have space - is there anything practical that would help?

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 20:44

Don't feel guilty! She's 24, not 14. They're both too comfortable.

228agreenend · 10/04/2016 20:52

If he contributing £80 per month (even though it's a cheap rate), then perhaps he feels he is entitled to live at yours. He has become a tenant, not a occasional guest.

Maybe give them a date by which they have to find their own place.

LisaRinnasLips · 10/04/2016 20:54

Tell them to get out and rent somewhere before they hit 30 fgs

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 20:54

£80pm a month is a pittance.

Fairylea · 10/04/2016 20:56

I agree with 228, if he is paying £80 pm he probably thinks he is living there! (As ridiculously cheap as that sounds)! I would stick to your guns and say you don't want the £80, just him to stay over less and then they can put that towards saving for a deposit for a flat.

StarUtopia · 10/04/2016 21:05

Bloody hell! Time to put your foot down. Although, in fairness, by evening taking £80 a month in the first place, you sort of encouraged it.

Are you in a position to just pay to do the references etc for a rented property? (obviously draw up a contract so that they pay you back)

Although, I cannot believe it would take two working adults that long to save up £1500 (if that!)

I think they're both taking the piss tbh!

Maryz · 10/04/2016 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingerbreadmanm · 10/04/2016 21:12

This happened with me as in i was the daughter. Although i think my parents struggled with it they never said anything. Although it probably would have been better if they had as we would have moved out sooner.

I wouldn't worry. Your dd will just be concerned she wont get to stay with bf as often but they would soon get used to it and if it was so hard they will get their own place sooner so she's not really loosing out as im assuming she is looking forward to that.

paxillin · 10/04/2016 21:12

You are right. Otherwise, he pays 1/4 of all bills, mortgage and shopping.

CatatonicLadybug · 10/04/2016 21:16

You're not in the wrong and she is probably frustrated because the in between stages from kid to grown-up kinda suck (even when the age is definitely not in kid territory anymore). I was the one living with someone else's family at that age, but I was paying way more than £80 a month and it was twenty years ago!

Would they go for letting you be their personal financial advisor for a bit in aim to get them into their own place? Pick an amount they each have to pay into you each month but have an amount known that they need for first and last month's rent in their own place and when they hit that amount, the money comes back to them as they sign their contract? (Btw, be sure to include extra for the agency fees. We rent and signing our lease this year went up to over £300 for them just drawing up the paperwork.) That way they can't pretend to save but manage to spend on daft things just because it is in the account? (daft things is not a judgement on them and is rather exactly what I do if I leave cash in my current account that is meant for bills!)

Stay strong.

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2016 21:17

Oh I would hate this. And are you saying that for less than £20 per week he has all food and bills paid for? And do you cook the meals? If so, I would love to come and stay with you!

I read this first that he was paying £80 pw and even then that wouldn't be worth it for me. I would get very resentful cleaning up after him.

You don't have to put up with it. In fact, when he and your daughter get a home, they wouldn't put up with it!

Original poster

Annalou7676 · 10/04/2016 21:37

Thanks for all your comments. They've made me feel better; today hasn't been a great day. Having said that, we did need to address the situation and I kind of feel relieved. One of the reasons he stays at our house so much is that he works locally; his home is in a village and he doesn't drive. Now that's another annoying point... He's 24 and won't take lessons.. Clearly it's much easier for him to stay at our home in terms of getting to work.. My daughter is still not speaking to me, but hopefully she'll be better when she's had time to think; most of her friends are in relationships and are moving forward, renting/buying homes etc and I think she desperately wants this; I suspect he's too comfortable here and is dragging his heels.

The clearing up and helping out is an issue as it seems there are four people living here, but one isn't pulling his weight in terms of financial and practical ways. Stupid stuff like going to the bottle bank, putting bins out... His mum does absolutely everything for him at home; makes his bed! I've explained to dd that when they have their own home they won't want to share it with another couple!
The money isn't really an issue, however he eats a lot and I'm not prepared to support someone who earns more than me! £80pm would cover food but not bills etc... As I said that's not really the main issue.. We would be happy to help them financially but they are actually in a position of affording to rent, both work full time. Xx

OP posts:

paxillin · 10/04/2016 21:40

Say something like he can stay every other weekend then. They'll rent somewhere soon enough.

gamerchick · 10/04/2016 21:46

Put his rent up to life lesson levels and lay the law down. It's good you've rattled the cage, sometimes you have to nip them in the arse to get them to fly.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 21:48

He sounds like a freeloading loser.

LisaRinnasLips · 11/04/2016 06:54

Tell him you want £200pcm or to move out as you can't afford both of them there.

Is it possible you can talk to him alone about it?

MeridianB · 11/04/2016 12:59

YANBU.

So he's 24 (too?) and living at his parents' house where he shares a room with his little brother. This made him want to move out and then he discovered that for £80pcm he could move in with his girlfriend. There is no way he is in a hurry to go and rent in the private sector. There is no incentive for either of them to go anywhere.

I hate to say it but your adult daughter's reaction to this is really immature and pretty disappointing when you consider how accommodating you have been so far.

Stick to your guns and ask him to leave.

Floralnomad · 11/04/2016 13:06

You have done the right thing speaking to them about it and do need to stand firm . The mistake you made was taking any money from him in the first place - he has really taken advantage but obviously feels like a paying tenant / lodger . Who came up with the £80 idea in the first place ?

Ifailed · 11/04/2016 13:08

Don't ask for more money, he might pay it and then you're stuck with him! You (and your DP) are going to have to sit down with your DD and have an Adult conversation with her. If you can help out with deposits etc for a rental, then offer.

LaurieLemons · 11/04/2016 13:16

Would you be happy with him staying there for a reasonable amount, say £200 ? Because if not don't suggest this.

I would also talk to him on his own and just say your sorry but you can't afford him to keep practically living there, so they need to think about moving out. They've had plenty of time to save at 24 so don't feel guilty. Your dd will understand.

mercygfu7 · 08/12/2019 22:05

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