Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Baby's first night away from home

29 replies

Rubysmummy2016 · 04/04/2016 21:25

I never thought I would let my baby spend her first night away from home until she was at least 12 months old. And here I am, baby currently at her grandma's and she's 6 weeks old. I feel so guilty, I haven't stopped sobbing since she left nearly 3 hours ago, I feel like the worst mother in the world. She has been so hard to settle for roughly a week, she's hitting her peak with her colic I think and I just couldn't cope. I know this sounds terrible, and it hurts so much to say it, but I needed to get away from her. I didn't have a baby to palm her off on someone else when things got hard, I mean I was the perfect parent before I had children, I can admit I had no idea how hard this was going to be. But is 6 weeks too young to send her to grandma's for a night? Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Pinkheart5915 · 04/04/2016 21:32

Don't feel guilty and you are not the worst mum in the world.
No body knows how hard it is until they become a parent, I believe it's better to have a night "off" and refresh yourself.
I don't think 6 weeks is too young, our ds stay with his grandparents when he was 5 weeks, we did worry but he was fine had his expressed milk and was completely happy with grandparents.

Original poster

Rubysmummy2016 · 04/04/2016 21:42

Thank you Pinkheart, hopefully at some point tonight I can get some rest xx

OP posts:

DreamingofItaly · 04/04/2016 21:52

Don't feel guilty, your baby is safe and sound with her grandma.

Get some rest, have a cuppa. You're a great mum.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 1 year olds Babies & sleep Families

Ratatattat · 04/04/2016 21:53

All mine stayed with my mum from early on. And when ds2 was 6 weeks me and DH has norovirus. We had to get his mum over as really no choice.
I stayed with my grandparents from being tiny and we had a great relationship.
I'm sure it will be fine. Get some sleep!

Bunnybop · 04/04/2016 21:56

Please don't feel guilty! Your baby is with somebody who loves her, it'll do you the world of good. Enjoy a rest

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/04/2016 21:58

She's safe and fed and warm with someone who loves her. she's not abandoned. your not a terrible mother.

stop that right now!!!

and just think of all the lovely things you will be able to do with her after a proper nights sleep and a long hot bath amd feeling human again rather than living nap to nap desperately trying to neck cold coffee.

redcaryellowcar · 04/04/2016 22:02

I think if I had been sobbing for three hours I would go and get my DC?

wowbutter · 04/04/2016 22:03

No you aren't awful.
Go to sleep, you poor thing.

Do it more, so you can rest and be a better mum. I left ds for the first Tim eta six weeks, and have done regularly for the last almost three years.

SmallBee · 04/04/2016 22:06

You are doing the best thing for both of you.
Grandma gets cuddles.
Baby gets attention from a loving Grandma, who isn't sleep deprived.
You get to rest so you can keep on being an awesome mum.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 04/04/2016 22:11

There are no rights and wrongs to the age you first let somebody you trust but who isn't their parent look after your child (at all or overnight) - its normal not to feel comfortable with it until they are 2 years old, and equally normal to need or feel comfortable when they are only a few weeks - all that matters is that the person looking after them loves them and is willing and capable and trustworthy, and that you are comfortable with it.

That said the question is whether you are comfortable? You have nothing to feel bad about, but if you are in an even worse state with her at your mums than with her unsettled at home with you, perhaps you might want to re-think.

Could you go and stay at your mum's too, so that you are not making yourself miserable with guilt or pining for her to such an extent you are not able to rest? If your mum would look after her and you could go to bed and sleep, knowing she is close by and being looked after, you might get better rest and the most benefit from the break.

cookiefiend · 04/04/2016 22:11

You are sobbing because you are tired. She will be fine I am sure. Dint do it again if it upsets you, but since you have tonight- sleeeeeeeep. Then you will be better placed to care for her tomorrow.

KP86 · 04/04/2016 22:13

My parents stayed with us for a few weeks when DS was first born and it was either the first or second night home that he went into bed with them because he just would not settle after two hours of screaming in the middle of the night.

I felt awful! Turns out the little piglet was still hungry, who would have thought a 4 day old baby would have 100+ml of expressed breastmilk in one feed?!? Mum and Dad gave him an extra 20ml which was enough to fill him and he slept for the rest of the night.

What I'm trying to say is don't worry - we've ALL been there, and our moment of not coping came a lot sooner than yours!

Diddlydokey · 04/04/2016 22:14

I did the same thing. It's supposed to take a village. We expect new mothers to do more than any other cultures.

PennyHasNoSurname · 04/04/2016 22:14

Honestly the best mum is the one who recognises what she needs for herself to be the best parent.

You need a break. You deserve a break. You will be better for it.

Have a bath. Have a brew. Have another cry (or better yet put a sobfest of a film on so the tears can be camoflaged), then try and get some rest.

You have the opportunity so make the most of it.

ohidoliketobe · 04/04/2016 22:16

We did the same at 6 weeks! I cried. Had a bath, ate a good meal and had a fantastic nights sleep. Picked up DS the next morning feeling like a new person. I was so thankful to my DPs for that one night. Saved my sanity

Thisismyfirsttime · 04/04/2016 22:22

If you are still so upset that you're not going to get a good night's sleep (hoping you're tucked up now!) any chance you could stay at GP's with her? If not for tonight maybe next time? So they can 'have' dd but you aren't at home unable to do what you really need to (sleep!) without her nearby?

Sades1986 · 04/04/2016 22:33

Honestly, get some sleep. Your little one will possibly be fast asleep now, if not her grandparents are doing tonight's shift and allowing you to get some much needed rest. You will see her in the morning, as others have said, and what I would do as I'd feel just like you (totally normal) is go with her next time. You'll still be near and called upon if absolutely needed.

I have to be honest when I say i that until your child is about 4 years old you will probably wonder if you should've sent them away for the night! That may sound extreme to some mothers who are a bit more relaxed, but then there's me who isn't lol.

Cathster · 05/04/2016 19:56

Oh rubysmummy please don't feel guilty (although i know first hand that guilt!) I hope you managed to get a full nights sleep and are feeling better for it today.

My DD was staying overnight at grandparents by six weeks, maybe even earlier, she was colicky and never slept (still doesnt!) and I had such a traumatic birth and long stay in hospital afterwards that my DH and I just broke. Even now at 6 months she still stays overnight regularly at her grandparents and while the guilt never really goes away it is wonderful to see the relationship forming between them.

Your DD doesn't know any different, she has had some quality time with her grandparents and vice versa and hopefully it has helped your mental health too.

kiki22 · 05/04/2016 20:15

I hate to hear that people feel guilty for letting their baby stay over night it makes me sad that mum's are made to feel that they need to be supermum and do it all alone. DS stayed with both sets of GP from 3 weeks it worked all round GP got one on one time to pamper and spoil him, he got much more attention than I could give him when shattered and I got a sleep and quality time with DP its an all round winner.

I didn't have a baby to palm him off but I didn't have a baby to run myself into the ground, I want to enjoy him and let our family enjoy him. I completely trust pil and my mum to look after DS and anyone that says no one can look after a baby like their mum is talking crap.

uhoh2016 · 05/04/2016 20:46

I think my ds1 was about 3 weeks old when he spent his 1st night at Nans house. Please please please do not feel guilty your baby will never ever remember spending this night away from you.Grandmas are worth their weight in gold imo they love care and nurture our babies as much as us Mums do and in my experience can't wait to have a little Nanna/baby time.
I hope you made the most of the opportunity to get some much needed rest and get Grandma booked in for another sleepover soon

kiki22 · 06/04/2016 08:46

Ive just asks ds (now 4) if he's been traumatises by staying away at granny and nannas so young he says he doesn't think so 😂

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 06/04/2016 09:38

kiki could it be that he said he didn't think so because he didn't understand the question? I agree he won't have been traumatised - at 3 weeks a baby needs to be kept safe, dry, warm, clean and fed, have eye contact and a loving atmosphere, and ideally not too many different carers, but of course it will not traumatise them to be looked after by a grandparent. The only people to be either traumatised or upset or helped by the arrangement would be the parents when the child is so very, very young - to a baby of 3-12 weeks it probably makes not a blind bit of difference (unless they are breast fed exclusively of course).

kiki22 · 06/04/2016 10:33

He says he understands the question he likes having sleepovers it's funner. How many carers is too many?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 06/04/2016 10:46

kiki by "too many carers" I mean children who are passed about from pillar to post with no main carer - really I had institutions in mind as it is damaging (attachment disorder) not to have a small number of constant main care givers to bond with. How small a small number is might be hard to define exactly - 2, 3, maybe 4... I don't have a definitive number. Certainly babies and very small children whose physical needs are met by a raft of ever changing staff around the clock in institutions but have nobody as a constant to bond with suffer - not relevant to kids being cared for by parents and grandparents.

If I asked my 5 year old a question he didn't understand he might say he did, if he felt like it... he might also answer a question he didn't understand with "I don't think so" or with whatever answer he thought I might want... Its irrelevant, I just found it funny that anyone would ask a 4 year old whether they had "been traumatised" - even a child who has actually been traumatised by some incredibly awful experience might not say "yes" as "traumatised" is quite an adult word and concept, and a long term thing - even if you explained the meaning of the word a 4 year old could not realistically evaluate whether some experience they had as a baby had traumatised them!

I am sure your son is 100% fine and loves his sleepovers - I just think its a bit odd to put any weight on the answer a 4 year old gives to the question "have you been traumatised by your experiences as a tiny baby" :o That question is pretty meaningless to a 4 year old! His answer about enjoying the sleepovers he actually remembers are obviously very valid though!

kiki22 · 06/04/2016 11:09

I don't really do baby talk with him I talk to him the way I speak to adults he loves big words and knowing what they mean I don't shy away from explaining things to him. Though in this case I didn't use the word traumatised with him I asked him if he liked sleep overs and if he liked them when he was small and if he could remember any time he didn't like it. Ds is really sharp and a bit of a know it all if he doesn't understand a question he will bug me until he has a satisfactory understanding of it.

I think asking a child if it bothered them is really helpful when deciding if your child is going to do something, if he said I hate sleep overs then I would think that maybe being away when he was little had a lasting effect since for them it's a negative experience, it is him that went away not me so the only way to find out how he feels about it is to ask him.

I agree with the institution thing though babies need a main bond with 1 or 2 people preferably parents and some strong bonds out with that if possible its great for them but deff do need 1/2 constants.

I guess my point by asking ds what he thinks is I needed sleep and head space it never done him any lasting damage as far as he can remember he loved it and if god forbid anything bad happened to dp and I I know that he has strong bonds with other family I would never worry if for some reason someone had to look after him. Babies don't need to be away from their parents but sometimes parents need it and if that's what you need it really wont hurt anyone.

Flip

1 2