7yo DSD spat in her grandad's face

[postmanpatscat]

She was staying with DP's parents for two nights as arranged by her mother. This occurs about 2-3 times a year. They had a lovely couple of days, took her out for lunch, gave her an enormous Easter egg, bought her stuff etc. Last night grandad is lying on the sofa watching TV. Nanny says go and say goodnight to grandad. She goes up to him and says "I've got a surprise for you' then spits in his face. Wtf?!! They were so shocked they just sent her straight to bed. His mum rang later on, very upset and puzzled by this vile behaviour after a nice time together.

We know DSD does not have an easy time at home as her mum is anxious and stressed. She has teenage half sisters and the eldest is very ill. She is due to stay with us for a week from tomorrow and normally she is no bother at all.

DP is not sure what to do about this. We have discussed it at length and decided on sanctions (cancelled a planned sleepover at our house) but what on Earth makes a child do that to someone they love? She is old enough to know it is wrong and it wasn't done in temper.

If it wasn't done in temper it actually does just sound like a badly thought through 'joke' on her part. She deserves to be punished and sounds like she has been. I'd leave it there.

I think it sounds like a bad joke as well. It's hard at that age knowing what's funny and what isn't.

I agree with Stealth. A very ill judged "joke". A stern telling off and explanation of why this behaviour was wrong, plus dsd apologising, should be enough.

Is it something someone has done to her? Step sister or someone at school?

I have a 6 year old and a 9 year old. I can imagine the 6yo thinking breaking wind in someones face would be hilarious (I'd like to point out she's never done this to my knowledge!), despite the fact she's mature and sensible. Ds at 9 would know better, despite being generally silly.

It someone has done something like this to her as a joke, she might have been experimenting acting it out.

Very good point. I think it's worth talking to her about it. Is she upset?

Whilst she certainly needs a stern telling off I can't believe you have punished her by not letting her stay over at your home. Contact with her dad isn't a treat and shouldn't be used as a punishment that's poor form and not going to help her if she's already having a bad time at home. In fact I would go as far as to call it cruel (and I'm pretty strict with disciplin)

So at a time where it sounds like she needs some fairly strong boundaries and guidance, her father is just pushing her away and rejecting her? That's pretty strong

Hm. I can imagine my 6.5yo DD (who is usually extremely well-behaved with everyone else, according to them - obviously just me for whom she reserves the worst behaviour!) doing this as a 'joke' that goes too far, if she has had a lovely, exciting time and been the centre of attention. She just seems to get more and more hyper and then self-destructs, then can't understand why everyone was laughing and indulging her one second and thundering at her the next. My most-used phrase at the moment seems to be "DD, you've gone too far. Again. That was neither funny nor nice, what are you going to do to make amends?" Then I can tell from her face and the wobbly lower lip that she's devastated and embarrassed but defiant and doesn't know what to do. The problem is that the things the other Y2 children find funny in the playground (like yelling "poohead" at each other and giggling) just aren't amusing to anyone else - but in the heat of the moment, a 6/7 yo forgets what's funny to each specific audience.

I think I'd be talking to her gently and asking her what she could do to make Grandad forgive her. Grandfathers are generally fairly forgiving if they can see it was something that went too far and the child is genuinely distressed at causing upset... DD's GF accepted a specially-drawn picture as an apology gift after a similarly ill-thought-through 'joke' - though I'm not sure he's recovered from the realisation that DD is not a little angel after all!

Btw - I think the enormous Easter egg may have been part of the problem!!

Cancelling the sleepover at yours is way too far in terms of punishment. Poor kid.

Sounds like she's not having an easy time and acted with a total lack of judgement. A telling off is enough if it's very out of character imo.

I thought op meant she'd cancelled a sleepover with a friend.

You've cancelled contact at your house as a punishment? That was stupid. How can you address it with her if you don't see her? You talk about her difficult home life and then say you have cancelled her time away from it. It was a horrible thing to do and I'd be mortified if that was my DS but I'd want to investigate why that had happened.

Sounds like a little child being silly and impulsive.

I thought 'planned sleepover' meant with a friend/ family member too.
It does sound like a 'joke', I'd give her a firm talk about not doing it again and then let it go unless it happens again. And it might be worth asking where the idea came from.

I think the op needs to clarify. I assumed dad had invited a friend overy to stay at her dad's

cunty has it.

She did something mould ice and out of character, she's gets a telling off. That's it. Finished.

Sounds like she needs lots of love and positive attention, I'm shocked you cancelled the sleep over- is that not arranged contact time? That's a poor show.

I'm more shocked at the cancelling of contact with her father!
Agree with everyone else regarding the spitting, it's shocking to an adult but unless she's done it before she probably doesn't realise quite how inappropriate a thing it was to do.

Mould ice???

Impulsive!

Get her to write a card to grandad saying sorry. Talk to her about how upset he has been and how awful it was. Tell her she will need to think of someway to make things up. Maybe she could clean grandad car or help him garden

Sounds like the dsd was having friends over for a sleepover at dads house, she will still stay at dads house, but friends sleepover is cancelled.

She's 7 years old she should be able to explain her actions, what did she say when someone talked to her about it and why she did it? Until that is understood its difficult to say what punishment is appropriate.

What's the relevance of the mother being anxious?

Sounds like a bad joke, it wasn't malicious! Way over the top reaction

Absolutely not! There is no way contact would be cancelled over something like this.

She has a friend exactly the same age who lives near us and I also work with her dad. This friend was supposed to come for a sleepover one night this week. They will still spend a lot of time together but we will defer the sleepover until DSD's next visit in the summer holidays. DSD only stays with us in school hols as she lives a long way away. DP sees her every 3rd weekend.

DSD left GPs at lunchtime to go back to mum's, DP is collecting her tomorrow - as planned!

I think an adult needs to sit down with her and talk to her about it before you decide on any punishments.