t feels like dh hates our kids. Please help

[monkey]

We have 3 gorgeous boys, 4, 3 & 6 months. The oldest 2 are great, lively, energetic, normal, fun kids. Lots of people comment on how well behaved they are. If I have an appointment or anything, even a long meeting I can take all 3 along, no bother, unlike most of my friends who always arrange baysitting for any appointment. We can go to cafes & restaurants no bother. they are imo well behaved but lively.

Problem is my dh, their father btw, seems to loose his temper with them at the drop of a hat. He has no tolerance for them at all. There is no build-up it goes from asking to shouting in one second. It is a lot worse the last few months I think. I dread the weekends. If he tells me he has a day off now my heart just sinks because I kow it's just going to be an extra day of listening to him moaning at them or shouting or tears. Every time he does the bedtime routine at least 1 of them cries. All he seems to say to them is 'be quiet, do you have to make so much noise, keep the noise down, shut up'. All day. or 'why don't you just do what you're told?

Everytime practically that he talks to them he has an edge of real annoiance in his voice. It really feels like he hates them.
I jokingly said if he thinks it's noisy now, just wait till the baby is talking & joining in. But actually that's worried me, because I think he will explode.

Meal times are bad. The middle one is a bit bonkers, has no attention span & no concept of when he's gone too far, so dh gets wound up & sends him upstairs all too often.

I feel I am spending all our time as a family walking on eggshells, trying to keep the boys quiet and dh from loosing his temper. it's really getting me down. If we're walking along he gets mad with them for dawdling, even if we're not in a hurry. What kids don't want to walk on the walls or peer at the roadworks and diggers?

I tried to speak to dh about it. He's said he's stressed, but what can I do? I'm already doing the lionshare at home.

Oh monkey , what a sad story. FWIW (and I'm no expert) it does sound like your DH is very strung out over something. Could it be his work ? I know that whenever my normally placid DH has a nightmare day at work he comes home and behaves like a bear with a sore head all night.

I wish I had a suggestion of what to do about it other than try to sit him down when the kids have gone to bed (glass of wine, bite to eat maybe) and just try to coax the truth of what it is that is causing him to behave like this out.

Sorry, I wish I could be more useful, hon.
Big Hugs
NDP
xxx

When you tried to talk to him, what did you say to him?

I think he seems to forget they're only children, and still young. If they were older, then yeah they should know better to be quiet and not to go "bonkers" as you say at meal times.

He does sound stressed. I get like that sometimes and I'm horrible.

Perhaps he could do with learning some communication techniques like the sort of thing described in the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk? It's a great book. It might help him to find better ways of dealing with the children's difficult behaviour (or what he obviously sees as difficult).

Do you know what is stressing him out so much?

oh monkey. This is horrible for you. I have two boys myself and know just how much noise they can make. Yours sound so good too.

Do they play up especially for dh or is he just very impatient ?
Were his parents hard on him ? Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing ?

I agree with Nomdeplume - I know that when I'm stressed it come out as impatience and it takes me to get out of the situation to really see that. If he saw someone else treating them like this how would he feel?

You can't take this all on yourself as I imagine running a family with 3 kids is enough. Does he have any suggestoins as to what would make it better.

Does he spend any time with just one of them at a time that would be easier and less frustrating?

Sorry I can't help but if I think of anything

Oh, monkey, this is sad. I assume the stress is coming from his job? Is he likely to be able to change anything?

My DH used to be wonderfully calm and tolerant with our kids when he and they were younger and he had an almost completely stress-free job - now he is on duty nearly 24/7, always waiting for the phone to ring at home, wakes at night with work going round in his head etc and yes, he is just as you describe your DH, I honestly thought he was going to hit DS2 the other night (for putting more ketchup on his chips than DH had decided he needed).

Our kids are much older than yours though and can mostly cope with it, and he isn't like it all the time. If they were small like yours I don't know what I would do either - they are only being children after all (and sound like lovely children) but men don't always "get" that the way women generally do.

My DH is 51 now and his chances of finding a new good job are remote but I'm assuming yours is younger - is this something to think about? Even a less well-paid job might be worth it if it lets him relax.

Hope you can sort something out - hugs.

Monkey, how sad. I don't have any advice, but if you need anything, let me know.

Another impatient DH here!

As DH and i work at the same place we travel together and pick DD up on the way back. I've noticed that DH has to have at least 30 mins to himself when we get in and even after that he can be incredibly intolerant and at times downright nasty towards DD (who is actually amazingly compliant for a 3 year old)!

I've got no great tips, but if things have noticeably deteriorated it might be worth trying to get him to open up, even if it's just to find out what his expectations of the boys' behaviour are. Bluntly, my DH is just an immature A**ehole about "his" time, "his" needs so not much I can do. He can be lovely with DD though, would your DH find it easier if he could start taking just one of the boys out at a time? It would maybe give him a chance to see what lovely little boys they are, rather than just thinking of them as a noisy bunch?

Monkey, poor you. I'm sure coping with three is hard enough without having to 'protect' them and your dp from each other. Agree you need to talk, specifically about his expectations of their behaviour. I think sometimes you can get into a cycle of negativity with kids which feeds off itself and it's very very difficult to get out of the habit. It can also be very destructive - his relationship with the kids is all about criticising them. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him what a stressful atmosphere he is causing for all of you. Surely he wants his home to be more relaxing and not feel he has to tell the kids off all the time? I would agree some rules for the kids behaviour - what you will be tough on (and agree apprpriate sanctions) and tell him he has to really loosen up on the rest. How much time alone do you both have ie as a couple and individually? I find that regular time without the kids really helps us to enjoy the times we are with them too. HTH

I do feel for you. It must be a horrible situation for you all. I do think you must talk to him, maybe go out one night or sit down at home quietly at the end of the day and say something like, "you seem very stressed atm. I think you are finding the children hard work" and see how he reacts. I think if you appear to be blaming or attacking him he will close down and be very defensive.Also talk to him about how he feels when he loses it with the kids - keep the focus on him. He will probably admit to being irrational and impatient because of his work stress and maybe then you can come up with some strategies so he is less wound up - ie when he starts to feel frustrated, maybe he can literally walk away for a while. I think it is fair to also talk about how the kids absolutely love and worship him and that it is confusing for them for their dad to be shouting at them. He can't be enjoying this situation either. Maybe talk about how proud you are of them all and how you see other people's kids behaving wildly and that other people praise them a lot - let him see their good side.

And I agree with everyone else, if the job is doing this to your family life, he has to either get another one or reorder his responsibilities so he can cope better.

Oh monkey, bless you. I don't know what to suggest. One thing is for sure he does sound stressed but taking it out on the kids will just perpetuate things. I can only suggest you sit down, talk properly and work out a solution. I think when you choose to talk to him is imporrtant if he's stressed and snappy. Take him out for dinner, have a bottle of 3 of wine and talk calmly to him about how you feel his stress levels are affecting all of you and find ways to help each other make all your lives better. Suggest he take up a a sport like squash of cycling to thrash out and switch off or something.
HTH????

One other thing, I suspect his anger is fuelled by attributing motives to the kids that they don't feel - ie that they are disrespecting him, or are deliberately trying to hold him up etc, and this is what is triggering his rage. It might be worth trying to raise those points with him - ie "how do you feel when you get angry with the kids?"

I find that dh gets cross with ds 'being silly', as in finding the simplest made up things screamingly funny, or pretending he can't do something, just to tease us. So dh loses his cool, and yells.

When we talk about this dh says he honestly can't remember what it was like being a small child. Which I find really really sad. So dh can't appreciate the enthusiasm that ds has for life.

Monkey, can you try to get your dh to think back to his childhood? See if he can remember what it was like, and how upsetting it is to get yelled at just for having a laugh.

I sympathise entirely, My children are now 20, 19 and 16 so similar gap to yours. My ex dh was exactly like this and i tried various things, eg persuaded him to go to anger managemnt/stress classes and to start sailing to de stress from work. These sort of things each worked for a while. Tried to persuade him to give up his job, unsuccessfully. I found I had to be much harsher with the kids so that his horrible temper was less of a shock and when it was time for him to come in I was desperately trying to keep them quiet etc. Do try and talk to him to improve things. In our case he was always saying "I 'm always bottom of the heap" and was very controlling. I just came to the conclusion like you that he didn't like us much. He did recognize that he had such a short fuse but didn't seem to be able to do anything about it. Sorry this isn't positive, but your post sounded so familiar.
Your children sound fantastic, I hope someone else says something really helpful.

I also think you should stop 'treading on eggshells' - it isn't helping and it's making you miserable.

Wibbsywoo's comment reminded me that DH was much better after i made him watch a few episodes of Little Angels/Who rules the roost? DD is the only child he has any contact with so he his ideas about how kids should behave are weird at times.

Monkey, this sounds like my house about a year ago - dh was a total nightmare to live with and in fact we almost split up over it. He made my life hell and it was all down to stress. He ended up almost having a breakdown and being signed off work for a month to recover. I felt really resentful because not only was I having to deal with the children myself, but also deal with all his crap as well (sorry, that sounds really harsh but that's how it felt at the time). Stress is a recognised illness and GPs do take it seriously - it's just a case of getting him to the surgery to discuss it. Lots and lots of sympathy, I can imagine how you're feeling all too well.

thank you all so much for your warm messages. I really appreciate them & there have been many useful comments.
We also are moving house but unlike you wibbsywoo, not tomorrow - get off the computer, mad woman, but in 4 weeks. I've done all the organising, am doing all the packing, so I can't see the stress affecting him. In fact, we're moving because atm he has 3 or 4 days a week, a long commute, so we're moving so he can be much closer to work and therefore spend more time at home - that was the plan, but now the thought of him being at home 2 or 3 hours a day more makes me feel ill.

It's not all bad, I mean we as a couple get on very well still, we're still very happy together, (although this is making me start to fear for the future - if he finds being at home so stressful, eventually he will stop coming home - that's my 'logic' anyway).

He does play with the kids and rough & tumble etc, but then 2 minutes later it's time for the fum to stop & get ready for bed & then the shouting & tears begin.

We went out for dinner on Saturday for the 1st time since the baby & I did discuss it. he said he was stressed but couldn't say if it was work or home - probably both. He seems to find any noise unbearable, everything seems to jar him & he also seems to be very very tired, even though I get substantially less sleep than him.

We always go out for the day at weekends - he can't stand sitting round the house . Getting our is stressful enough - the tears and fuss about getting shoes on is incredible.

I agree about him having over the top ideas about kids. He never sees other kids either. i try & tell him how good ours are - my best friend's son is a horror! But he just says he's not interested in how bad other people's kids are & ours should do as they're told etc etc. I don't know where it comes from becasue his mum's not like that at all & can't believe it when she hears him going on, saying what a little troiuble maker he was as a boy.

On Sunday we did try the idea of going our separate ways in the zoo, so he went with n. 2, I went with 1 & 3, then we met for lunch & went opur separate ways again, this time with the other boy. He seemed to find that much more bearable.

So, if this is stress-related, what do I do about it? If he is having a difficult & tearful situation he stubbornly refuses to give up & let me take over. He'll see the job through no matter how miserable everyone is.

How do I turn this around so he is less stressed/ less rude impatient & unpleasant to the boys.

Like I say, I'm already doing so much, running the home, doing the housework, doing the move, looking after the boys, getting up in the night, blimey, can't see what else I can do, but there must be some way of me helping him. It wasn't always like this.

I really feel that this is something you have to talk about. Try getting him to open up as I suggested - ask how he feels when he gets angry, ask about his expectations, ask about what he thinks the kids motives are in their behaviour. I also think you need to make it clear how upset you are by this level of anger in your home and how intolerable you find it and that you must find a way to reduce it for all your sakes. It is not acceptable IMO for four of you to feel under siege from one of you. The stress he is experiencing will make his temper much worse, but there are ways of controlling it - IF he wants to. His desire for control over the kids ('they SHOULD obey me' 'They SHOULD be quiet' etc) may signal that he feels powerless in other areas. It's also plain faulty thinking that he could challenge if he was interested, which I why I think it is important to address this with him again, he must realise how distressing you and the children are finding his temper tantrums.

I really feel that this is something you have to talk about. Try getting him to open up as I suggested - ask how he feels when he gets angry, ask about his expectations, ask about what he thinks the kids motives are in their behaviour. I also think you need to make it clear how upset you are by this level of anger in your home and how intolerable you find it and that you must find a way to reduce it for all your sakes. It is not acceptable IMO for four of you to feel under siege from one of you. The stress he is experiencing will make his temper much worse, but there are ways of controlling it - IF he wants to. His desire for control over the kids ('they SHOULD obey me' 'They SHOULD be quiet' etc) may signal that he feels powerless in other areas. It's also plain faulty thinking that he could challenge if he was interested, which I why I think it is important to address this with him again, he must realise how distressing you and the children are finding his temper tantrums.

dh used to get v stressed, but less so these days. i agree about putting shoes on etc - i often put them into the car/pram without theirs or just let them wear what the hell they like or try and make it into a game (easier said than done). parenting is so much about control (think sheep dog & pen/liontamer with chair & whip ) that the fun is hard to find sometimes. dd1 found one of my lipsticks the other night & circled her eyes and lips with red gunge, I am sure I would have been really cross a couple of years ago, instead me & dh just laughed as we lifted her from our bed back into her own (with a quick wetwipe on the way )

Monkey, so sorry you're going through this.

I haven't read all the threads, so forgive me if someone has already mentioned this.

Do you know how his own parents were with him when he was growing up. Perhaps if he was always being told to stay quiet, stop it, behave etc etc, this may be the only way he knows how to interact with the children when they're boisterous.

I wondered, because your description is very much like how my father was with me and my brother and sister when we were children. Now we're all grown up, we tell him how lucky he was to have such great kids.

He worked very, very long hours and was probably utterly worn out by the time he got home.

It sounds as though the house move will be helpful - good luck with it.