Do you regret making a "rod for your own back" with your DC?

[Hootthatnanny]

Most people on here seem to dismiss the idea but then when I read a thread about things you'd do differently with your 2nd dc a lot of posters said they would not feed to sleep the second time round.

I'm a ftm with an 8 week old, I currently co sleep and breastfeed to sleep, i also pretty much get my boob out whenever she's upset and i can't seem to comfort her with cuddles despite knowing she's not hungry. I tend to pick her up the minute she starts grumbling too.

Just wondering if there is any truth in the rod & back thing? I'm pretty much happy to go with the flow but at the same time would love to have more than 4 hours uninterrupted sleep at some point!

Just do whatever feels right for you.

I tried to do everything the 'right' way with DC1 and soon realised I should just go with my instincts and that that was in fact the 'right' way.

The hardest part is ignoring the people around you with well meaning advice about not making life hard for yourself. I learned to agree with everything they said, smile and then carry on doing it my own way.

I had a framework of routine in place after the bonkers first 8 weeks or so with regard to a bedtime. My DC all seemed to like this but they were all breastfed to sleep until they were ready to stop. I loved every minute of it, half an hour, just me and DC, feeding and listening to the Radio 4.

In the grand scheme of life they are babies for such a short time. Enjoy all the time you can cuddling them. What on earth are babies for if not snuggling?

My mantra was 'When they're stroppy teenagers, will I wish I'd spent less time cuddling them as tiny babies?' Nope.
Just enjoy this time. It's gone in the blink of an eye.

Yes, I do.

I always tried to let DD lead the way. I said that I would always explain everything to her, and if she wanted to disagree with me then we would always talk about the issue and resolve it.

I truly made a rod for my own back, but worse, I made it for hers too. She can be so difficult and she has not settled into school or made any friends. It breaks my heart and it is so hard trying to re-teach her.

DD was a v easy baby - I woke her up just before I went to bed to feed her, DH woke her early in the morning and fed her, otherwise she slept all night. When she made "I'm tired" noises I put her in the cot (or on friends floor, or in pram, or on any other flat--ish surface) and she went to sleep.
If I was cuddling her and she cried, I left her alone and she'd be happy. If it was noisy and she started fussing, I'd get her somewhere quiteter, then she'd be happy... and vice-versa. it was all easy and obvious.

You know what's coming next, right...??!

Once she was about 8 months old, that was the last of it. She became a Child Of Mystery, and I still have moments when I have precisely no idea what the heck is up with her, or what to do to make it "better".

It's luck! All just plain dumb luck. There's no earthly point in worrying about it.

You know I agree with most of the other pp's parent the child you have.

But I think the saying "rod for your own back" is only said by people who say "when I had my child/you/your brother/sister" and the might have successively raised their child and now they are only remembering thier wins and proably never going to tell you what they failed at.

I've changed some things with dd2 but kept other things the same. Sleep habits being the main one.

I fed to sleep dd1 and never really gave her the opportunity to self settle, I don't know for sure but I believe this led to her being a terrible sleeper and waking every 1/2hours through the night for months on end after being a fairly good sleeper previously. She was waking more often than she did as a newborn. In the end I did cc and she went from waking multiple times a night to 1-2 times a night and then eventually started sleeping through on her own accord.

With dd2 I was terrified of going through the 1-2hourly wake ups again, it was probably my biggest worry as it really was a horrible time. I mean you expect it in the very early days obviously but things generally improve over time. So although I did feed to sleep when she was very tiny (unavoidable really), I also tried to encourage her to fall asleep whilst in her basket/cot with the help of a dummy. She's now 7months and unless she's really tired when having her last feed she rarely falls asleep when nursing. She still needs someone there to fall asleep which I don't mind at all but she's been a better sleeper than her big sister was at this age. Whether it's related or not I don't know but it's definitely easier not having her rely on nursing to sleep in the sense that dp can put her down for naps as well and it doesn't all fall to me all the time.

I think as a parent you learn as you go and it's okay if there are things you would like to change next time around because that's all part of learning.

If God willing we have a second child,I would stop listening to bs parenting terms like "making rod for your own back".It means nothing and serves only to make mums feel bad about whatever they are or aren't doing! As a parent I feel guilty enough about everything, unsolicited advice can sod off!

DS slept on my chest for the first couple of months and co-slept for the first 6. Now at 18mo he won't co-sleep even I want him to - he falls asleep much better on his own in his cot, if I am there it just distracts him and he gets upset. Babies change! We used to feed to sleep, but it stopped working so we rocked him, which stopped working so we taught him to fall asleep in his cot.

The only thing I would do differently if I had the time over would be try to nudge him away from reliance on rocking a bit earlier. To an extent you need to go with what works, but they do need to learn to sleep and you need to help them learn.

I breastfead my 2nd dd whenever and wherever including to sleep and I find it a gentle easy way to do get her off. It's also a nice time for me to have a little cuddle time. I still feed her to sleep now and she us at preschool but again it's just a nice easy calm end of the day thing to do now.

Second time round I found I had many more strategies on tap when my baby and I were both ready to stop feeding to sleep. So it felt easier. But I still fed to sleep and do slept with him just like his big sister. No such thing as a rod for your back with kids.

For the first 3/4 months I pretty much attachment patented - co-slept, breastfed on demand constantly day and night, boob out at the tiniest whimper. However after that I slowly transitioned to encouraging more independent sleep (by stopping rocking, stopping feeding to sleep, not allowing naps on me etc) and encouraged feeding on a bit more of a regular schedule. I'm glad I did this as now my almost 2 year old is a brilliant sleeper!

So under 3/4 months - no such thing as a rod for your own back

Over 4 months - I believe you CAN start to create them and that's a good time to slowly make good habits

(Just my personal experience/opinion)

Mrsmugoo -would love to know how you encouraged more independent sleep? I've an almost 3 month old that I'm feeding to sleep and co-sleeping with. I'm happy with this at the moment, but I don't want to be doing it when he's 2!

As per my post I bit by bit removed the sleep crutches such as rocking, allowing to sleep on me and feeding to sleep.

I put him in his cot and introduced new sleep cues in the form of a nap routine - into darkened bedroom, into grobag, feed, song, into cot. Rubbed back until asleep. Gradually stopped rubbing back to sleep and eventually got to the stage of doing milk in living room so completely disassociated with sleep altogether and simply grobag, song, into cot, shut door.

Involved keeping my nerve as there was a fair bit of grumbling and frustrated tired crying/grizzling. Never proper crying I hasten to add.

Once he mastered self settling we've never looked back - he is a champion sleeper now.

Also - I was (am) ruthlessly consistent. Once we started naps and nights in the cot we never went back. Except illness, never just for an "easy life" - in my opinion it's worth doing it right to reap the long term benefits.

Thanks mrsmugoo! Will give that a go in another month or so.I've been spoilt by ds1 who at two months would grizzle himself off to sleep in the cot. Ds2 will only sleep with his face pressed up to my boob.