Do you regret making a "rod for your own back" with your DC?

[Hootthatnanny]

Most people on here seem to dismiss the idea but then when I read a thread about things you'd do differently with your 2nd dc a lot of posters said they would not feed to sleep the second time round.

I'm a ftm with an 8 week old, I currently co sleep and breastfeed to sleep, i also pretty much get my boob out whenever she's upset and i can't seem to comfort her with cuddles despite knowing she's not hungry. I tend to pick her up the minute she starts grumbling too.

Just wondering if there is any truth in the rod & back thing? I'm pretty much happy to go with the flow but at the same time would love to have more than 4 hours uninterrupted sleep at some point!

I absolutely agree, the "rod for your own back" is nonsense. I love timelytess post! I would respectfully disagree with one of Chrysanthemum 's points though - you don't have to carry on doing what you're doing forever - when the time is right you'll change things, if you want to. At 8 weeks I'd say no need to change a thing. I remember something in Penelope Leach's book about tiny babies' wants and needs being the same thing, you can't possibly 'spoil' a baby by responding to her cries, what you're doing is making her feel safe and secure by meeting all her needs to feed, to cuddle, and be close to you.

When it comes to longer term feeding and sleeping, you'll find you start to make some changes without even realising it, e.g. one day you might realise that the last few naps have all been in the pram rather than feeding to sleep. And if/ when you decide to make more changes, you will - I gradually stopped bf my DD1 age 2 (she was still feeding to sleep then and during the day) - it was at my instigation but we did it slowly and she was ok, I cuddled and comforted her as much as she needed me to and she sleeps just fine now.

In summary, enjoy the moment, do what works, get as much rest as you can however you can, and only change things when you want to, not because of what other people say or think. Congratulations on your baby

Actually, I think it is fine and normal to change things as your dc grow up, even if they don't want you to. Their needs to develop skills and independence, and your own needs and wants as a parent do come into it too.

Hmm, yes, we also made changes later when we needed to, e.g. night-weaning at 2 was a doddle, despite kids not wanting to as such, because they could be reasoned with. It's always a balance of what works for the whole family.

I love sitting with my toddler while he drops off but it is a bit inconvenient now he has a little sister and I wish he didn't need me there to go to sleep.

I've not read other people's replies so sorry if I'm repeating what's been said already but the fact is that it's YOUR rod for YOUR back and you'll cross that bridge when you get to it, but right now, you're parenting in a way that suits you and your child.

I had very little choice on the feeding to sleep matter. I could either feed to sleep, stand rocking her in my arms for an hour, or accept that she wasn't going to go to sleep at all!

I did try to avoid feeding her to sleep for naps as she got older but she was still fed to sleep at bedtime until she was a year old and I stopped breast feeding.

8 weeks old is still so young and they really need you for comfort. All babies are different so I reckon just do whatever works for your family.

My DS is 6 months. Usually self settles himself in his cot for bedtime and naps and pretty much sleeps through. Sometimes I rock/feed him to sleep if necessary. At 8 weeks though I was mostly still feeding to sleep and comforting with boob whenever possible. Things naturally evolve as your baby gets older so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Do what you think is best for you!

I definitely did and with DS2 I made a conscious effort not to rock him and put him in his cot/Moses basket as DS1 is a PITA when it comes to sleeping. DS2 (6 months) sleeps through and a dream to put down for naps. Aside from sleeping the other rod I made for my own back was eating - DS1 is lazy, wants to be fed (2.3) and fights sitting at the table for dinner. He's also going through a fussy phase with food. Grr. At CM he will sleep and eat nicely . With DS2 I'm going to be firmer about the table and feeding himself to save myself the hassle!

My SIL found the same thing with her second. Part of me wonders though if it's down to personality type, DS1 seems more highly strung but less so than friend's children but he's a toddler - they're all highly strung!

Nope. With both of mine I've fed to sleep, on demand, co-slept, carried in a sling, etc. DD. is 4.5yo and still co-sleeps, doesn't bother me either way she can move into her room when she wants to. DS has been a much easier baby than DD but I think it is all down to their character than anything I did.

Also what is a rod is very relative. DD wanted to be fed until quite late, about 3.5yo I think. DS is 15mo and insists on feeding himself with a spoon and fork. If I make any attempt to help him he stops eating. As FIL said when DS eats yogurt it's not clear whether he is eating or plastering! Not sure which version of behaviour is the rod! At least DD didn't need to be hosed down after each meal.

The only thing I regret is worrying so much about whether or not I was doing it right.

DD was an awful sleeper, but I went with my instincts and co-slept, fed/cuddled to sleep etc. She continued to co-sleep until she was around 5ish, then moved into her own bedroom by her own accord. I also bf until she was ready to stop (shortly before 3 years old), and picked her up every time she cried.

People continually told me I was making a rod for my own back. They were wrong. She is so happy, confident and well-adjusted now. I have no regrets at all!

I was the opposite. Listening to other people's advice first time around, worrying about making her too clingy and trying to separate myself from her etc. She was an awful sleeper and quite clingy, especially with me.
Dd2 I just did whatever worked at the time. I wore her, bought a co sleeping crib, wished she would feed to sleep (she had awful reflux and barely ate) and always let her fall asleep on me.
She has been a much better sleeper, more independent although still likes cuddles and she was happier to go to sleep on her own from 3-7 months but then wanted cuddles again so we did that again.

I regret trying to 'play by the rules' with dd1 as it was far more stressful for us both.

Ps sounds like you're doing just the right things and being a fab mum.
At 8 weeks old 4 hours is probably the most sleep you're going to get however you do things.
I'm still lucky if I get 4 hours uninterrupted sleep with dd2 at 11 months and she's a far better sleeper than her sister. She was every 45 mins all night every night for 5 months argh.

When it comes to sleeping, I'm of the opinion that the majority of babies need some kind of 'prop' to help them get to sleep. Dummies, boobs, thumbs, blankets, teddies, being rocked, being pushed in the pram, in one of those swing things etc. etc. Some of these will suit different babies and families better than others.

DD was a sleepy newborn, and it was all I could do to keep her awake for 10 minutes to feed, so feeding to sleep happened without me really choosing it, but it was a useful tool for us, even as she got older. And once she stopped feeding to sleep, the bedtime feed was the best way to get her to lie still long enough to realise she was sleepy. But DH struggled to get her to sleep. When DS came along, we realised that if he knew I wasn't available for milk, he would go to sleep really happily snuggled up to someone.

I think most babies/toddlers/children have nights where they find it difficult to sleep for whatever reason, so even if I didn't feed to sleep, that wouldn't necessarily mean that it would always be easy. The grass is always greener and all that.

Words I tell myself often - 'it's probably just a phase'

I did it both times around like you - and the second time was twins! The only difference was as they got older and dc1 went to school, there was more routine. They also had to be more independent because there were 2 of them, and another child. I think it's pretty hard to think, "What would I do if I had another couple of kids?". It's different for you, different for them, just the circumstances of having an older child. I think I would have worried less, especially about food. I would have worried less about stimulating him endlessly. I would have had a bit more routine from around 1yo. But it's very hard to hold back on your first.

I fed my dc to sleep, co slept for ease of night feeds- didn't wake up sometimes, just feeling a little hand squeeze my boob to hurry the milk up:) sadly ds abandoned bf at 18 months but dd kept on til 2.5:)

They sleep all night, occasionally creep in with me and tbh I just wanted them to be happy- babies are so reliant. As they got older I was a sahm so just did things as I wanted and helped them all the time to be nice.

For instance my mil ( sorry and she's a childminder) told me my 3 day old baby needed to learn who was boss and to let him scream if I was eating and it coincided with his 4 hourly feeds. She said I was making a rod for my own back.

I said he needed to know I was always there and he was safe. And I just had my dinner at 7.30pm not 8pm. Why not? And who could eat whilst listening to a newborn screaming hysterically to be fed and cuddled. Well, I know one person. Not me, though.

I read Penelope Keith and " your child from 0-5" which was amazing and made lots of things really easy:)

My DCs are older now (not adults but 8yrs +) and the only things I regret are not doing more cuddles, later nights, cuddles and less routines. I did co-sleeping and feeding to sleep, etc and don't think I made a rod for my own back at all. My three are slept fine in time and I loved having my little babies down stairs in my arms and treasure those cuddling moments. They go so fast. Just enjoy them and this special time. It's precious.

snuggly babies are gorgeous... no regrets... at least not looking back. can't promise I have not forgotten the horror though. went backto co-sleeping with dc2 when he started having nightmares/terrors around the age of two. it was better to have a slightly wriggly toddler in bed with me all night than a terrified toddler clinging on and using me as a mattress for the rest of the night.

Honestly I think you can make a rod for your own back with older babies/toddlers but you can only parent the child you have. Unfortunately I think that sometimes, with the benefit of hindsight there will always be things you will wish you hadn't done or had tried instead.

I'm only 7 months in to parenting and thus far have had an easy baby. But there are many hurdles to overcome yet so I just take each day as it comes.

8 weeks is tiny op and four hour blocks of sleep are really good.

I shouldered a lot of responsibility too young as a child and teen, so have erred in the opposite direction with my DC and don't enforce chores enough. (According to dh, anyway)

However, with babies I loved cosleeping and feeding to sleep and ime the child outgrows it pretty easily. My 2 yo dd is very happy and doesn't fight sleep (much). She will tell me when she is ready for a nap rather than me enforcing a scheduled time onto her, which I think is a valuable self care skill. She's never slept in a cot, so I can't force naps on her anyway!

Do what works now, because things will change in a few weeks anyway so you'll have to change tactics.

I continued making a rod for my own back. 2 year olds pouring their own drink make a huge mess, 3 year olds leave the fridge door open. All of a sudden I realised the 7yo sits on the sofa and says mummy I'm thirsty and it dawned on me I've poured drinks for at least 3 years longer than needed. Couple of growls sorted it out.

You'll do this all your life. My dad made my sandwiches for school at 16 and I turned into a well functioning adult nonetheless.

I never let my daughter cry and demand fed her. I used to wake up when her breathing changed and she'd start sort of grunting and stirring prior to crying. I loved the fact that breast feeding mean't I didn't have to see much so no lights and faffing about. I think that was lucky as she remained semi-asleep and night feeds were very calm and quite quick, - she was a windy, puky, fighty feeder by day. She had classic 6.00pm-10.30 pm colicky grouchiness for a while after the newborn phase, but that aside she was a settled and happy baby. She transitioned from Moses basket by our bed to cot in another room without issue and there was no bother when she was a bit older and approaching toddlerdom and we had a proper bedtime routine. She always slept in her own bed from bedtime until morning.
As others have said, I think they are all different and it's difficult to identify any one approach as "the key".

I think the rod is just another stick to beat mothers with. It doesn't exist.

I did the same things with both mine - now 8 & 4.

EBF, a gentle routine. Once they were weened I did keep a fairly solid bedtime (still do).

Despite doing what suited me, and mostly doing the same thing with each baby, they are both very different now but both good sleepers.

They are opposite eaters - you can pretty much split a plate of food down the middle and they would eat half each and turn their noses up at the others meal. The whole "family meal" and "they eat what you eat" has been the biggest myth/disappointment for me.

Do what suits you I reckon.

My 4yo now sleeps in her own bed but she gets in with me in the early hours. I love it.