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Parenting

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Original poster

9 year old still sleeps with mum, is this normal?

30 replies

Zayna99 · 14/12/2006 12:58

Apologies, this is in another forum as well, didn't know which forum to put it in.

My DP is concerned that his dd sleeps in the same bed as her mother every night. He's tried everything to persuade her to use her own bed but her mother doesn't want her to.

It's not the child's fault. Her mother seems to be having the child in her bed for her own comfort.

I find it a bit creepy to be honest. I mean, there's nothing wrong with getting in for a cuddle now and then, but to have the child move into your bed permanently... well, I don't think it's right.

Mother has not found a new partner since my DP left her two years ago. She seems to be using the child for comfort.

What can my DP do? He does not want to upset his dd, he does everything he can to make her happy as he feels so guilty for leaving in the first place...

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PinkTinsel · 14/12/2006 13:01

my aunt kept my cousin in her bed til very recently, he's 10. she's a single mom too. and my mom used to take me into bed with her when dad was away on business til i was about 12. don't see the problem myself, if they both enjoy it then why is it creepy? do you have kids?

if the dd doesn't want to be in the bed she won't sleep there trust me, 9 yo girls are strong willed enought to say if they don't wan to cuddle mommy

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 14/12/2006 13:04

It's not creepy at all,IMO.
Most children probably sleep in their own beds at this age, but if they are happy to share with their parent, and the parent is happy too, then fair enough!

anniemac · 14/12/2006 13:08

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anniemac · 14/12/2006 13:18

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poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 14/12/2006 13:18

If the mother doesn't mind and the child doesn't mind then where is the problem? In other parts of the world adults and children share beds all the time and its part of normal life.

It would be a different matter if the mother was making the child sleep in her bed but it doesnt sound like thats the case.

It may become a problem if the mother finds a new partner and then wants to kick the child out into her own bed though.

Original poster

Zayna99 · 14/12/2006 13:19

Do you not think it's wrong to take the child from her bed for your own comfort though?

OP posts:

poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 14/12/2006 13:20

It depends on whether the child minds or not. The child may find it comforting too. Don't forget, a loved one has left them in the past so they both may enjoy the comfort from each other.

Kelly1978GotRunOverByAReindeer · 14/12/2006 13:21

I don't think it is wrong at all. My 6yo sometimes shares my bed when I'm home alone, she likes it and I liek the company. Also agree with the statement about other cultures - my asian dp's aunt shares with her mother and she is aged around 40ish! They both like the company. There is nothing creepy about it at all, I think it is unfair to make an issue out of it.

Mumpbump · 14/12/2006 13:26

This could be my thread!! My dsd sleeps in her mum's bed and is 9 as well! My dh is really p*ssed off with it because he says it is wholly for his ex's comfort, same as you, but what can you do, hey?

We have managed to get dsd to sleep in her own bed at our house (used to sleep with her brother) after an awful lot of hassle. Dh and his ex have both tried to persuade dsd to sleep in her own bed at home, but she won't. I suspect her mum hasn't tried that hard for the same reasons. Problem is you can't control or expect to control what happens in someone else's house, so I think you just have to put up with it.

BTW, I don't think it's creepy, just not entirely normal and I feel a bit sorry for my dsd that it has become a really big issue for her.

MadamePlatypus · 14/12/2006 13:27

Does she come to stay with you over night? If she is OK sleeping on her own away from mother and she (the 9yo) doesn't mind I think its fine.

Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 13:28

100 years ago this would have been completely normal. You wouldn't just be sharing a bed with one child, but probably all 8 of them!!
Its only because we have higher standards of living it is considered "normal" nowadays for Western first world children to have their own beds/ bedrooms.

MerryMegandSnowySoph · 14/12/2006 13:38

I wake up almost every morning to find at least one of my dd's in with me. It doesn't bother me at all. When my boyfriend comes to stay (1/2 a month) then they don't.

anniemac · 14/12/2006 14:08

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brightwell · 14/12/2006 15:36

I'm battling to get my almost 9year old ds to sleep in his own bed, we've agreed that he can sleep in with me one night a week. I would far rather have the bed to myself, my feelings are he must find it a comfort and he will grow out of it. Hopefully soon!

Sakura · 18/12/2006 05:12

I live in a country where its normal for the whole family (dad and teenagers included) to share a bed. If I say its on the floor, it might give the game away as to which country it is. I don`t know if its my cup of tea, personally. I co-sleep with my dd (12 weeks), and Dh has been relegated to another room because hes a snorer. But its not necessarily abnormal, and if everyones happy...

QuootiepiesChristmasName · 18/12/2006 05:16

I was in and out of my mums bed until about 11/12 I think... depends on if I was poorly, or cold, or just wanted to go there! Same with my sister. Its only a spft place to lay your head and go to sleep... all this "etiquette"... goodness me.

QuootiepiesChristmasName · 18/12/2006 05:16

*soft

kiskidee · 18/12/2006 06:23

how can you be so positive that it is for her own comfort?

is this 3rd person information or have you been part of a conversation with his dd and/or his ex to be so positive.

kiskidee · 18/12/2006 06:25

the majority of children of all ages across the world co-sleep either with parents or siblings. age is irrelevant. it is only in 'richer' countries that children have their own room or own bed etc.

santasweetdreamer · 18/12/2006 07:20

oh god, I thought ds-5- would grow out of this soon

maybe not

christie1 · 18/12/2006 20:08

It is not creepy at all. All my kids fight over sleeping with me but they do have their own beds. I don't mind really but as long as the relationship is healthy . IT is just the 2 of them now against hte world so they may be closer given the loss of your dp in the family unit. To be honest, to save everyone more pain, you should stay out of it and let mom and her child decide when the child should move out of mom's bed. I am sure they will be just fine. As well, it is none of your business whether the mother has a new partner or not. It is not about filling up the bed, I have a long and healthy marriage but I love curling up with my children with our books and settling in for the night. I used to creep into my parents bed as a child as well. Sorry to sound harsh, I am sure you are concerned but my adice is leave them alone and work on making your time with your dp's daughter happy when she is with you and not strained over something silly like this.

christie1 · 18/12/2006 20:19

sorry, I don't mean to sound like I think you are trouble making, I don't, I think you are generally concerned, as is your dp, but, if this is the only thing of concern, just let it go. it is definately not creepy.

GhostOfMumsnet · 18/12/2006 20:21

I used to sleep with my mum a lot when I was younger. We both liked to read and so I could jump into her bed and if I got stuck at a word she was on hand to help me out. And no it wasn't last week-I'm careful to pick books at the correct level these days.

drosophila · 18/12/2006 20:32

Isn't comfort a good thing????

RantInEMinor · 18/12/2006 20:42

my ds aged 4 regularly sleeps in with me and dh. I would be deeply offended if anybody told me that it was creepy.

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