In a dark place :-(

[winterlake]

Baby cries on and off all day. He has a few brief happy patches but mostly he cries and grizzles. He's 3months. This morning he screamed for 4hours without a break, after the first hour I was sobbing too. I get so angry and frustrated and desperate. Think it was reflux/colic as he kept vomiting curdled milk. I walked round the house with him in sling until my back hurt, cuddled him, rocked him, bathed him, fed him, tried to put him in cot, changed nappyx3, nothing worked he was just screaming and thrashing and scratching me and headbutting. I got scared as he cried so hard he started coughing. It's the same in evenings, hours of screaming and crying (GP said its colic/reflux but meds haven't helped). Everyone said it would improve by 3months but it hasn't.

I love DS intensely but get so upset with the endless crying. DH works long hours isn't home till around 8pm.

I try to get out every other day as he likes being in sling and usually sleeps when we're out, but it takes so long to get ready we often stay in. When he's crying I can't eat/shower/get ready/dress him and all the baby groups are in morning.

My NCT group are great but I put on a brace face and they assume I'm coping. I always dress nicely and wear make-up to go out but inside I feel like I'm at breaking point.

DH helps a bit in evenings but he has a very stressful tiring job so I try not to burden him or thrust crying baby on him straight away. I have little energy to cook so he gets ready-meals for dinner most nights.
DH says he needs home to be his 'happy place' which I understand but I'm struggling to make it a happy place and cry all the time. He always helps if asked but I feel bad asking him and feel like I should be coping. He thinks he does 'more than most dads' though he doesn't know any other dads so nothing to compare. He says I'm a SAHP while on Mat leave and therefore my job is not just caring for baby but running the household and looking after him. I so want to be a good wife and mother but feel like I'm failing. I can never get on top of housework or laundry and he has to do his own ironing and always runs out of clean shirts because I have a back-log of baby stuff. Even the Xmas decorating is half finished.

My back hurts all the time and I feel sick every eve.
DH will take DS to give me a break but I feel I have to take him back when he cries as DH has been at work all day. I think he thinks I have a great life as he comments how he would love to go to baby yoga and meet up with friends for coffee.

Please tell me it will get easier soon? Everyone said 3months is the turning point but I feel like it's just getting harder :-(

Sorry for the rant.

I work full time in an office whilst my huband is a SAHP - but I have just recently finished my second bout of maternity leave (and thus this last one involved looking after a 3/4yo as well as a newborn) and I can tell you that being at home is DAMN SIGHT HARDER than doing 8 hours in an office.

Obviously some days are harder than others in both places but in general I see it as my job when I get through the door to a) be grateful he's kept the kids alive and happy all day, b) disregard any mess. The messier it is, the more fun they've probably had (in fact, when it's tidy I suspect him of plonking them in front of CBeebies all afternoon ), and c) whisk the kids off to do bedtime whilst he has a moment's peace.

Mostly after that we'll tidy/cook dinner together but if one of us is obviously knackered they'll have a sit down and the other will pick up the slack.

Would you like me to explain this in words of one syllable to your husband?!

Massive hugs OP Some things that helped me when my 3 babies were that age I don't know if these will help or not:

• baby bottle fed if I was beyond tired with breastfeeding /struggling with it

• try a pacifier/soother/dummy

• hold baby upright against you while you sit on sofa, wrap baby in blanket soother in and hum tune gently while striking the back. TV on for you and relax. The rhythmic stroking and the blanket calmed them it doesn't happen immediately around 15 mins but make conscious slow deep breathing movements and they do respond to your slower heartbeat
• I sometimes propped baby head up with a pillow beside me on the bed so I got a lie down too once they had fallen asleep on me

prob you're both overtired so once you can settle baby into a sleep of any length then things will improve

• ignore all comments from husband you are doing a brilliant job that no one else can do as this baby needs his mother most at the moment (sorry but you are so valuable dont let anyone make you feel worthless)

my God stroking the back , not striking the back so sorry

oh and if you can get out for an afternoon by yourself tomorrow leave baby with DH and a bottle then you won't have to say a word to DH and he'll KNOW how hard it is for you all week

Your dh is a twat. You need a break. His happy place? arsehole

I thought colic usually gets better at 4 months?

He chooses to go to work late and come in late so he can have a fucking lie in? Beggars belief.

Op, for perspective; We have 4 dcs. Dh leaves for work at 6.45 and gets back at 7, so he can help and spend time with his dcs. When they were babies he would take them before as soon as he came in. I hope his colleagues are giving him shit. Pathetic

Practical stuff first. I'm thinking Cows Milk Protein intolerance or other food allergy if BF. Mine reacts to egg, is inconsolable, mega voms both curdled and fresh.

You can take over food shopping - go online - once the first one is done it's doable one handed but DH needs to step up. I tend to hand over child duty when DH gets back - housework/cooking is a change. Put on music and ignore yelling need to take own advice

Definitely go to groups and definitely talk to HV/GP. Needy babies are hard work and mine's only really needy during/after a reaction to something I ate. Surestart groups are afternoon in my area.

Also remember you have needs too. They include eating, drinking and going to the loo/showering Baby can yell on the floor if they're yelling while on you - what difference does it make, you're still close.

Take care!

I am absolutely gobsmacked that he goes to work at 11 am so that he can have a lie in. No, no, NO!

If he's going to work at 11 am then he needs to be up at 7.30 with you. You should then have a shower and get yourself ready for the day, so that you can get out with the baby. You should go out for an hour on your own - to the library for a read, to a coffee shop, or for a walk. You need some time in the day when you can be yourself.

He sounds really lazy, rather than really hardworking. I'm not convinced, either, that someone at work on their own for three hours after everyone else has gone is actually working.

You're DH is a twat. Not sure what you can go about that right now.

Baby - have you tried cranial osteopathy? DD didn't have reflux but she had dreadful trapped wind and was in Infacol for ages - one trip to the osteopath and she was right as rain. Could take longer for your baby but maybe ask your HV or look on a local forum?

Obviously weight gain is important but so is excessive screaming. Have you recorded your son? Perhaps the GP has not understood the length and intensity of the crying. Of course there are arguments against medicating, but it made such a difference to my DS2 and DS4 and by extension the rest of my family I would definitely persue. Have you outright asked for a paediatric appt? Is your HV any good? My DS4 was prescribed Gaviscon and Ranitidine for his reflux and the change was huge and pretty immediate. Tbh it was more so the Ranitidine.

I think your H's offer to have his own son for a full day is a bit hollow, especially as you're expressing and breastfeeding. I mean it's an easy offer to make when he knows you'd probably say no, but let's him take himself off the hook. He hands the baby back when he cries as he doesn't know what to do but will use a day's holiday to look after him? It's still ducking out of giving meaningful, consistent help even if you did call his bluff of the 1 day care offer.
Are you planning on returning to work?

Ok have read quickly and seething for you.
Firstly - hubby is shattered after work as he's being a twat and sitting up late!! If he's sitting up late anyway then leave the baby with him and go to bed at 8.30pm and catch up on some sleep before you need to get up with baby during the night.
If he's not willing to do that then he needs to change his hours. I'm sorry but EVERYTHING needs to stop for that first few months while you survive. You don't get to watch movies or have time together or have a 'calm' house or do your nails or read or get a bath etc. It sounds like you've accepted that but he hasn't.
It sounds like he does fuck all compared to most dads and is also heaping pressure on you about how you being upset is making HIM feel instead of trying to help wth the issues that are making you feel so down and stressed in the first place. Therefore he's making it all out to be your responsibility to both care for the baby and to then create a happy home and is completely negating his own responsibilities in that. He may be shattered at work but you're just as shattered at home with a colicky/refluxy baby!

My hubby isn't perfect but here is an example of what he does in a typical day.

He gets up 7am and gives dd1 her breakfast and let's me lie later as I've been up with the baby.
He often puts on the dishwasher or washing in that time.
Then I get up before he leaves at 8am and do breakfast for me and baby. If I manage it I do a washing and put ydays away etc. I usually batch cook meals or have easy meals planned so when he comes home from work he takes the kids and I prepare dinner which gives me a break from the kids and means he has dinner made for him (compromise).
We then both play with the kids til bedtime where he gets them in his jammies while I prepare the baby's bottle then he puts dd1 to bed with stories while I put baby down. He then washes the bottles and cleans the kitchen while tidy the living room and put washing away. Then we have an hour of tv or chatting and go to bed.

When dd2 was tiny she had horrendous silent reflux. She wasn't gaining weight and cried constantly. I would go to bed at 9 and Hubby would sit up with her til midnight when she would eventually conk out from screaming and then come to bed and I would do her night feeds.

You need someone supporting you, not adding to your load.

I found the reflux and colic got better with dd1 at 12 weeks but with dd2 it was more 16/17 weeks. Really hope things improve for you. Xx

Lots of good suggestions above. I feel for you as listening to a crying baby is really stressful. I recognise some of these issues... it took me 10 months to persuade husband that he should get up with baby one morning rather than staying in bed while I got up every day... now he gets up every Saturday and I have a lie in. So it can get better....
Some ideas:

• give your husband very specific tasks to do with baby, rather than generally asking him to help more. eg 'please can you take him out for a walk for an hour while I have a nap/go to the shop/meet a friend etc'.
• Make sure you get some time away from the baby at the weekends or in the mornings when husband is there eg husband gets up at 9am, you spend 9.30-10.30am going out for a walk while husband looks after baby. Even if you are exhausted some fresh air and time away from the crying will help you. My husband can't help with bedtime or cooking dinner as he gets home too late so he has toddler for half an hour in the mornings instead while I have a shower and do some jobs.

-Make sure you spell it out to your husband (and make sure you are fully convinced of this too) that the crying is not because you are doing anything 'wrong', it's either just one of those things, or a sign of a medical problem. It will improve but you need to work together to get through it. -Check you're not 'mind-reading'. It means assuming you know what somebody is thinking without actually asking them. It may be that your husband does just have a bad attitude but check you haven't taken a throw-away remark from your husband when he was frustrated and interpreted it as his overall view on you and your parenting skills. I do this a lot, especially if I'm tired/anxious, and often find if I pin husband down and actually talk to him when we're both calm he isn't thinking what I thought at all, and just said something flippantly/angrily that he didn't really mean. Obviously this isn't ideal but none of us are perfect! Likewise, if you don't ask him to help with things because you 'try not to burden him' or assume he will say no, you might miss something that he's actually happy to help with that would make a difference to you. Really hope things get better soon.

Winter lake. My baby was suffering with colic, reflux and lactose intolerance. Three months of no sleep. I insisted on gaviscon (infant one) she went to formular and also dr Browns bottles. It did not all help but small improvements. Eventually after three months she was happier. She is 6 months now and only last week stopped gaviscon .

Colief removed lactose otherwise it's not worth giving if not intolerant. Get baby checked the easiest way is doctor prescribes lactose free formular literally a couple of feeds and you will know,

Grip water can play up reflux tummies so use sparingly . It will get easier

It's awful but I am sorry to agree with everyone else you partner has to take more responsibility she is the father you are the mother it's a joint effort. I appreciate he works but what does he think you are doing? You are working with one huge difference your job is 24 hrs 7 days a week. When's your annual leave or a lay in?

If he wants a happy home then he needs to make some changes to himself. Or one day it will be a lonely home.

I really feel for you OP and agree with lots of PP. Your job on maternity leave is to look after yourself and your baby, of to keep a perfect home.

My hubby has his daytime job, I have mine as a mum. Evenings and weekends we're both at home and we both parent and do housework.

I do what I can during the day as it has been getting easier as DD gets older, but if I can't get a single thing done because I've had to prioritise the baby then so be it.

When DH gets home I give him DD for a cuddle and I make us both a cuppa, then we all spend an hour chatting about our days while playing with DD. He looks after her while I cook - its their time to bond!

Weekends I get up for a long bath or shower while dh has DD then we switch places.

I feel as though your dh has a totally unrealistic view of what he should be doing. He's chosen to have a family and its inevitable that there will be changes, he can't just carry on as if nothing has happened.

*not to keep a perfect home.

My ds was on ranitidine and omeprazole for reflux.
Colic is not a diagnosis btw, it just means your baby cries and your doctor doesn't know why.

OP I'm sorry you are going through this. I haven't read all the replies but I have had 2 reflux babies and it's hell. I could write your post TBH. DS is 2yo and things dramatically improved when we weaned him and he was sitting up most of the time (6mo ish). My DD is 4mo and after being in and out of GPs we finally got a referral to a Paed and she's been diagnosed with reflux and cows milk protein allergy. Special formula and tweaking of meds has made a huge difference. She actually smiles now! I would go back to the GP and keep pestering or change GPs until someone listens to you. Trust your instinct.

Also, I've found it tough this time around and found myself spiralling into despair/constant crying etc etc. The GP diagnosed post natal depression and I'm now getting a huge amount of help with meds/counselling and things are getting better. I'm able to cope a bit better. It might be worth reading up on it and see how you feel? There is also a charity called Home Start who provide volunteers who come to you for 2 hours a week to help take the pressure off. They will hold the baby whilst you shower/clean up etc. Would that help? I don't have any family nearby to rely on for that type of practical help but I need that respite to feel like I can carry on. Hope you're ok xxx

Ps I saw that you were asking more about allergies. Here is a useful website: cowsmilkproteinallergysupport.webs.com

Look at the symptoms and print out and take to your GP. There isn't a blood test but if they suspect CMPA then they will trial a special diary free 'hydrolysed formula' or exclusion diet for yourself if your BF. Reflux and CMPA go hand in hand. My DS put on weight beautifully but he had horrendous silent reflux! Honestly call the GP everyday if you have to!!

OP, treesandbees is right that there is not a blood test for CMPA, but there are for 'true' allergies.

Thanks everyone I'm feeling a lot more positive after reading your replies

Treesandbees I'm glad you're getting help for the PND and things are getting easier. I had wondered if i might have PND but think I'm more reacting to the stress of the crying and not having much of a break. I had a look at the CMPA link and my baby's symptoms all seem to fit. He's also had cold symptoms for months (runny/blocked nose, sneezing, coughing) which fits too. I did ask GP last time if he thought it could be milk allergy but he said no, baby would be constipated with blood in stool if that was the case... I'll see a different GP next time!! I'm BF so will try the exclusion diet and see it that helps. I don't eat much dairy anyway so would be easy to do.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not expecting too much of DH by asking him to help more. Thanks for giving me confidence to challenge him and make changes!

We don't have any family or friends locally (apart from NCT group) as new to this area. My sister lives a train ride away but she can't travel easily due to disability.

Getting out the house definitely helps. I'm going to wake DH up in a minute and suggest we go to the park while there's still some daylight!

Wake him up?! It's ten to one! Get his arse out of bed and give him the baby while you have a nice long shower and blow dry your hair!

Um shouldn't you be the one having a nap ? He needs to take baby to the park not you.

I'm glad you're feeling better for posting Op and do keep on at the GP. Your H just sounds worse and worse. He's still in bed at 1pm?!? I'd love to know what his stressful, tiring job is I'm guessing Victorian Lady

I am absolutely shocked to hear that your DH has a lie in every single day (by going into work at 11am and sleeping in till noon at weekends) and still believes he does more than most dads. I don't know anyone else who does that - or anything even close to it!! I would be so furious if my DH was choosing to go into work late rather than come home early and help out in the evenings. I'm so angry on your behalf OP!