In a dark place :-(

[winterlake]

Baby cries on and off all day. He has a few brief happy patches but mostly he cries and grizzles. He's 3months. This morning he screamed for 4hours without a break, after the first hour I was sobbing too. I get so angry and frustrated and desperate. Think it was reflux/colic as he kept vomiting curdled milk. I walked round the house with him in sling until my back hurt, cuddled him, rocked him, bathed him, fed him, tried to put him in cot, changed nappyx3, nothing worked he was just screaming and thrashing and scratching me and headbutting. I got scared as he cried so hard he started coughing. It's the same in evenings, hours of screaming and crying (GP said its colic/reflux but meds haven't helped). Everyone said it would improve by 3months but it hasn't.

I love DS intensely but get so upset with the endless crying. DH works long hours isn't home till around 8pm.

I try to get out every other day as he likes being in sling and usually sleeps when we're out, but it takes so long to get ready we often stay in. When he's crying I can't eat/shower/get ready/dress him and all the baby groups are in morning.

My NCT group are great but I put on a brace face and they assume I'm coping. I always dress nicely and wear make-up to go out but inside I feel like I'm at breaking point.

DH helps a bit in evenings but he has a very stressful tiring job so I try not to burden him or thrust crying baby on him straight away. I have little energy to cook so he gets ready-meals for dinner most nights.
DH says he needs home to be his 'happy place' which I understand but I'm struggling to make it a happy place and cry all the time. He always helps if asked but I feel bad asking him and feel like I should be coping. He thinks he does 'more than most dads' though he doesn't know any other dads so nothing to compare. He says I'm a SAHP while on Mat leave and therefore my job is not just caring for baby but running the household and looking after him. I so want to be a good wife and mother but feel like I'm failing. I can never get on top of housework or laundry and he has to do his own ironing and always runs out of clean shirts because I have a back-log of baby stuff. Even the Xmas decorating is half finished.

My back hurts all the time and I feel sick every eve.
DH will take DS to give me a break but I feel I have to take him back when he cries as DH has been at work all day. I think he thinks I have a great life as he comments how he would love to go to baby yoga and meet up with friends for coffee.

Please tell me it will get easier soon? Everyone said 3months is the turning point but I feel like it's just getting harder :-(

Sorry for the rant.

winterlake sorry this is so hard. It will get better. In your shoes I would:

Get to the docs or midwife or whomever and see if I had post natal depression. If I did I would think it was 100% understandable and woudl do whatever docs advised. If not, I would probably think I was super woman.

Get baby to docs or midwife or whomever to see what can be done for constant crying. It is not usual for babies to cry so much and it could be colic or other difficulties and there could be a something that can be done to help. Please keep a diary of how much baby cries and sleeps and how often milk comes up. This is not to depress you but to explain to doc how bad it is. If you say 'baby cries all the time' doc may think what does all the time mean... if you keep a diary even for 24 hour you have something to show.

Please sleep while baby sleeps so you are refreshed. If you go to shops or walk and baby falls asleep in pram, will they stay asleep when you get home? If so when you get back can they stay in the pram, in living room if necessary and you nap on sofa? Just don't nap on the sofa with baby. It's dangerous to co sleep on a sofa with a baby.

As far as your husband goes well, I feel angry one your behalf, presumably you both wanted a child. This means you are both responsible for the baby. Yes, his job may be tiring and difficult but it includes coffee and lunch breaks when he gets food or drinks that he can eat/drink hot or possibly even prepared by someone else.

How does he know he does more than other dads? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Why not ask him how so? What is he doing other dads do not do. You do not need to be confrontational you just need to challenge the idea he seems to have, which you are perpetuating, that his job is so hard it is your job to look after the baby all the time. If the baby cries and you take baby back, how will your husband know how hard it is to look after a crying baby. Make sure you are on the loo or in the bath when he looks after' baby so he cannot just hand baby back. And don't assume it is your job to take baby back. How will he full understand what to do if he always hands baby back?

You could also:
-find the nicest and most approachable member of your NCT group and suggest coffee just the two of you and be honest with her. You may find she fees the same
-or if you feel brave enough to say in your coffee times in front of others I find it so tough baby cries a lot, then wait, pause, see what others say.... do not make a joke or take it back. If the other mums say nothing or disagree so be it. It means their babies do not cry as much. But I expect someone will be able to agree and you can start to be honest with each other more.

He wants me to be happy and calm when he gets in, create a good atmosphere at home etc so he can relax after work

What the actual fuck?

He seems to think your baby's birth magically transported you back to the 1950s.

What an absolute cunt to be demanding that kind of shit from you when you have a baby with reflux.

And your maternity leave does not make you a SAHM. You are not his housewife.

Never, ever, ever agree to give up work while you remain married to this prick.

Sounds as though your DH has some rather unrealistic expectations of parenthood...

I have a baby about the same age as yours. We're lucky in that DS is mostly a happy little soul, bar some (usually evening) colic/wind issues - nothing near the level you describe. There's still no way I could do everything at home while also looking after him!

Top priority is keeping DS fed, clean(ish), in clean nappies and entertained, along with keeping myself fed and, ideally, showered. Anything I achieve in addition to this is a bonus! I do usually manage laundry every other day, but this has only been possible since DS became willing to go in his bouncer. I also do the food shopping, which is a mixture of online orders and actual trips out, and some feeding of the cat. On a really good day, I might make dinner, or start it. (We eat quite a few jacket potatoes, I'm not talking gourmet cuisine here.) But evenings are DS's fussiest time, with lots of cluster feeding.

DP does pretty much everything else, and he works full-time. But he works his hours, unless he really has to stay late, and starts earlier in order to finish earlier. So he usually does dinner, most cat care, washing up, bins, hoovering at weekends...you get the idea. Not much cleaning gets done at the moment! He is sometimes a bit grumpy when he gets in and is effectively starting his second shift - but guess what, I'm on a permanent 24/7 shift which is never-ending!

I find it helps to get out of the house each day, even if it's only briefly and/or later in the day. DS, on fussy days, will often calm down and go to sleep in the sling or pushchair, once I've powered through the screaming and got us out of the house. On a really bad day, it can help to go out for a sandwich rather than make it yourself if funds allow... Also, what has helped me has been finding groups which are drop-in rather than a fixed time, so it doesn't matter so much if you're running late. But do get out, and vent to other mums - it helps.

And stick a rocket under your DH's arse. Out of interest, what's he like at weekends? I found a fussy Saturday invaluable for hammering home to DP quite why taking a shower could be difficult some days....

Echoing pp- I work in an office two days a week, my partner is home with baby those days. She makes up a bottle so that as soon as I come in the door the following happens:

• I take baby and play, shhh to sleep or feed her
• ask her how her day has been and listen to what's been going on with her and our baby
• I share anything from my day
• she gets to do emails/gym/whatever she wants for an hour or two
• I defrost a meal that we've bulk cooked (or heat up one partner might have defrosted in the day.

I'm not saying this to be smug- I'm just saying that is what I would expect a non SAHP to do. It is so intense and relentless looking after a baby, however joyful it can be as well.

I recommend a book called 'what mothers do' can't remember author. Hopefully you can dip in and out- so useful in highlighting that housework and everything else is peripheral to mothering. Even if 'mothering' is intangible and often feels like 'doing nothing'. You're not doing nothing, you're giving your baby, who is having a tough time by the sounds of it, endless love, even though you're frustrated and exhausted!

Oh and It does get better- hang in there! It got worse before it got better for us.

My sympathies OP. I am the WOHP and when I come home I share doing tea and bath for the kids then cook tea for us whilst my wife feeds the kids to sleep. We alternate doing washing up and laundry and cleaning. I don't expect a calm house unless I help to make it that way... I also changed my working hours to leavehole earlier and then come home at the best time for the kids. If I'm late my wife has to do tea and bath on her own and that's not fair. And I have a cushy time because she doesn't work and does the night wakings.

Your DH needs to step up, work is only part of his responsibilities, and if its harder for you during the day then he needs to help when he's at home.

Babies can be really hard work and make you feel like a complete failure. Dd1 cried ALL the time. She had colic and reflux. For us it improved when I ignored my hv and listened to my mum and tried her on solids at 17 weeks and a day. She was much more content. Around 6 months she improved again and I felt like I was getting the hang of it. Her toddler years were easy in comparison. My next pg was twins and being prem they were sleepy and seemed to just get into a routine. Ah easy new borns - suddenly I realised dd 1 was not the norm so all the mums coping brilliantlyweren't dealing with the horror that was dd1. Dtds were fab newborns but very challenging toddlers! Those who have easy newborn and toddler will clearly have terrible teens (this is what I tell myself! ). It gets more fun I promise

Might be worth investigating if the baby has any allergies. My friends DS was like this, turns out he was allergic to milk.

Your DH can now do some feeds so you can get a break and some sleep. If he is awake he can be looking after the baby. And if he wants a happy home he can start pulling his weight to make it a better place.

Bollocks to housework, when DD was that age I don't think the hoover left the cupboard from one week to the next unless DH did it.

And do speak to your GP. Call them and book a double appointment so you can talk about how you are feeling and your baby's crying. Hopefully a medical professional being involved will kick your husband in the arse and get him to realise he is a lazy sod around the house.

Is your husband selfish in other ways?

It sounds like he wants to do next to nothing, make his happiness the centre of your universe AND shut down your rightful anger by telling you he is a good man and you should be grateful for his pathetic crumbs. Loathsome.

What other ways are there to be selfish?

He is ignoring that his wife is struggling to look after a sick baby and all he gives a shit about is his fucking "happy place".

What a contemptible shit he is.

I know a lot of other people are suggesting talking to NCT mums to be reassured they are going through the same, but really, this wasn't my experience. My baby wasn't like theirs and having other mum's widen their eyes and go , 'really?! My dc isn't like that!' 'Well my dc never cries like that!' And so on just made me feel like crap. None of them understood at all and how could they when ds was so different?. I found mumsnet a much better source of support because here I could find women whose babies were the same, who did understand the physical, emotional and practical drain and who could offer empathy and advice.

Aww your poor love, this isn't right.
You need your dh to support you and not just help but do what he is supposed to do as a father.
Parenting isn't your job that he can just help with.

He needs to request leave and be at home for a while and share the workload and get to know his child and how to care.
Otherwise you are going to be the only parent who actually parents.

Aww op, i was broken with 3mo Dd, and she was a sunny baby with a supportive husband. I can't believe your DH thinks you should be doing more with a newborn who is poorly and you doing night shift and day shift.

OP I echo everyone's sentiments! Also, have a look into cranial osteopathy for your DS. I've heard of several success stories of treatment helping calm babies down. That is, of course, once you've ruled out any medical things.

Second recommendation for "what mothers do". A beautiful book that completely spoke to me when my DS was very small. I downloaded onto my kindle and read during night feeds. Helped me feel I was not alone

OP I'm so cross and sad for you, my blood is boiling. I have been there twice with fussy babies and it's SO hard, it is a million times harder than any office job.

I think your DH is in denial a bit about parenthood. I think he secretly has a bit of an inkling of how hard it is for you, and how hard parenting is, and he doesn't like it. It's given him a bit of a fright that he might be expected to use up his precious downtime/happy place on doing stuff that's hard and unpleasant and not comfortable or relaxing. It's about learning resilience, isn't it?

We mothers don't get a choice about this putting off parenthood/adulthood, but some fathers do. He might well come around and get a clue - he probably will - but you'll have to get tough with him first I'm afraid. Try not to ask him to do stuff, just give him DS and tell him that you're going for a bath and are not to be disturbed. He will do everything wrong but THAT'S OKAY - LET HIM. Let him do and get things wrong over and over again. That's the only way he will learn and he will eventually have his own way of doing things.

If all else fails show him this thread. I think some clued-up fathers and WOHPs have posted on it so maybe he will be shamed into sense

And I agree about getting some meds for the baby. My second baby had bad reflux and we never medicated her but in hindsight we should have, it was hell. Babies do mostly grow out of reflux but why not make DS more comfortable right now. And keep posting on MN, it's invaluable - people here get it!

Keep the baby upright at all time, head above belly, stops acid burn, helps with wind, towel under cot matress, cushion under for nappy, you`ll have a new baby in two days.

Tell DP to f...off .. he gets lunch breaks tea breaks, lie ins... wish there were dad only classes!!!

** this is because the mussel at the top of the stomach doesnt close properly, usually 6 months and quite normal, well known in america but not in UK

Another recommendation for "What Mothers Do". Wonderful, affirming book. Not that you'll have much time to read it....
Maybe you can do that while your DP takes a turn at being the Stepford Wife.

I really agree asking for a paediatric referral - what meds is your DS2 currently on? My refluxy sons liked the baby swing but it was just another thing my high-maintenance eldest did not like.

As for your H, he really is doing a number on you. Using his flexible hours to duck out of doing any real parenting and then demanding home be his happy place... I would be pricing up what you'd get for his brass neck!
Seriously though, don't let your want to be able to manage it all be a reason to feed his bizarre notions. Do you have any concerns over his ability to care for DS? Is going to stay with family (with your baby) for a couple of days an option for you? You sound (very understandably) stressed and worn out, but perhaps a minibreak will give you the boost to lay down a much needed ultimatum.

Wow, it never ceases to amazes me that arseholes men like your H still exist, OP.

My DH is no saint but he's devoted to DD and her parenting is completely 50/50 and always has been. He would think even less of your H than I do. If opening his eyes up to the reality of being a parent is going to cause a huge row I'd seriously consider how the rest of your life is going to pan out.

As to your baby, I'm sorry I have no advice but I really hope things get better soon

My little girl also cried and cried for months when she was little-i just tried to get through each day, one at a time, things that seemed to help were a dummy, swaddling and as a pp recommended a baby swing, battery operated. Get out of the house as often as you can and start to build in time when you leave the baby with your dh.

I'm so angry at your DH on your behalf. My DH works long hours and a stressful job too (as do I when not on mat leave) but he tried his damndest to get home as early as he could and give DS an expressed bottle when he was tiny as he knew DS tended to cry from about 3.30 or 4pm most afternoons and I got super stressed about it (and that sounds nothing compared to you having that all day).

Being a SAHP IS a job. You are doing that. He is not morally superior/more in need of a rest/'happy place' because he works outside the home. And if he's not starting work until 11am he should have the baby in the morning for an hour or so, so you can shower and chill a bit before he leaves.

I echo others saying go back to the GP for a check on the reflux meds. And I'd urge you to see the GP or your HV for yourself - you sound very down. I was quite anxious for a couple of months post birth & my HV came for 30 minutes every fortnight. It was nice just to offload a bit tbh. It was also nice when she told me I looked a lot better just when I started to feel a bit more myself, as I felt validated that I hadn't been quite right, and wasn't just being a 'silly woman'.

Best of luck xx

Thanks everyone

That FP swing looks great, going to order one today. DS likes to nap in his rocker but it takes a lot of energy rocking him to sleep!

He's on Colief and Infacol with every feed, Dentinox and Gripe Water intermittently but tends to spit out the gripe water. GP won't prescribe anything for reflux as he's not losing weight so he says it doesn't need treatment

He usually screams after/during feeds but has 150-180ml expressed milk approx every 3hours, or breast when he'll take it. When he's sick even right after a feed the milk comes up v.sticky, slimy and creamy coloured, is that normal? (Sorry if TMI) Sometimes he just vomits clear liquid. Usually only small quantities though can be enough to splatter down my back onto floor. He also has lots of green slimy nappies, I thought it was too much foremilk so started expressing to ensure he had hindmilk too (also using compression to increase fat in milk). Hasn't made much difference though he prefers bottles to breast. And he's had 3 colds back-to-back, always seems to have a blocked nose and cough.

I spoke to DH last night, he suggested private paediatrician as GP seems to think it's all normal. We can't really afford to go private but his parents might help out.
What are the tests for allergies? Is it just a blood test?

I was sobbing when DH got in last night, so he took DS and walked him around while I cooked. DH kept him while I ate mine so I had a couple of hours break. He also offered to take DS for a full day when he has annual leave, though TBH I just want more regular breaks rather than a full day. If he would come home at 6pm even 2nights a week it would make such a difference! He'll always take DS if I ask and he's great at soothing him/entertaining him (he's a lot more fun than me) but I feel guilty asking. I feel like he thinks DS is my job and he's having to help me do my job as I'm not good at it yet. He always looks shattered after work. If DS is crying he'll usually hand him back after a bit and say he needs a break, or bring him into same room as me and say he doesn't know what to do. We were only married 6months before I got pregnant so he's used to living alone, having his own time, setting his own hours etc. I think he is genuinely oblivious to how other couples share the workload of a baby!
At weekends he often stays up (watching films) until 4am or later so then doesn't get up until noon, then he wonders why I'm in a bad mood!
I find myself catching up on housework, laundry etc while he watches DS at weekends (DH isn't fussy about house but I feel more stressed if it's a mess as I can't find anything). So I feel like I rarely get a break to myself as always playing catch-up.

DH used to keep DS in lounge at night and do night feeds until he came to bed, but now DS usually sleeps from 11pm-5am so I sleep with him in bedside crib and get up with him at 5.

He does nap in pram but not many places to walk round here. I take him out in sling a lot.

People who've had colicky babies, can I ask when yours started improving? I used to think DS would be better by Xmas but now need another bright spot to aim for!

And has anyone found switching from breastmilk to formula or mix feeding helped colic/reflux? I've heard there are lactose-free anti-reflux formulas that help some?

Can you arrange for a friend/relative to have the baby for a couple of hours, maybe on a weekend, and have a serious discussion with him about roles and responsibilities, and the fair division of labour? He sounds like a man-child, and it isn't good enough. It isn't ok to hand the baby back to you, unless he thinks the baby is hungry and you need to breastfeed. If you know the baby can't be hungry then don't take him back - give him ideas on how to sooth/distract and then leave him to it. It isn't ok to stay up till 4am and then have a lie in till midday - unless you get to have a lie-in till then on the Sunday too!

He needs to understand that your job during the day is to care for your DS, that's it. No other jobs around the house. Plus you don't get a lunch break or other breaks either. At the weekends it should be completely equal with regard to baby care and household tasks. At the minute, he isn't stepping up to being a father, and it's not fair on you.

I know you don't want a confrontation, but it sounds as though it is time to have one.

As Culture suggests, is there anyone who can have your DS, even just to walk him around the block for half an hour, so you two can have a serious conversation?

He needs to buck up, seriously buck up his ideas. You both have a child, and you are both parents. Yes, you are off on maternity leave. This generally means that while he is at work, you are doing the parenting (not the housework!). But while you are both at home, you are both parents.

The first thing you have to focus on is how you are feeling about this.

I feel guilty asking. I feel like he thinks DS is my job and he's having to help me do my job as I'm not good at it yet.

This is not true. You are good at it, you just have an unsettled baby. But he is not your job. He is both of your job. He is both of your son. Both your lives have to change.

Your DH needs to understand that his life cannot continue the same. He can't work 11-7 because that means he gets a lie in after being up late (seriously, that's bloody ridiculous). If he can work hours that suit you better, he needs to work them. He needs to do equal amounts of housework and childcare at the weekend. Because you both need time to recharge on the weekend if you can. Him taking the baby doesn't mean you doing housework if he's not doing housework when you have the baby.

You have a newborn who is unsettled. This means that playing computer games, blowing through box sets and watching films all night has to stop for a while.

You need to stop and think about how long you are prepared for him to carry on behaving like this. He needs to understand and then step up. if DS is crying, he needs to sort it, not come to you as the magic parent.

Only you know what will work on your DH to get him to change. But if he doesn't change now, this is going to continue like this - you as a parent, him as someone who has a wife and son living in his house. What happens if you want to go back to work?

Tell him. Try and do it calmly and as non-accusatory as you can, as that will probably work better.

But what will you do if he doesn't change?

This probably sounds like a dramatic leap - but if he's not bringing some improvement into your life, what's the point of living with him?