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Parenting

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Things you didn't know BEFORE having a baby?

56 replies

OhMakeMeOver · 24/11/2015 10:36

Just anything really!
I think it's ridiculous that I know more about pregnancy, labour and childbirth NOW than I did BEFORE and WHEN I had my son because NOBODY mentions these things, not even midwives during your antenatals! No one goes over what can potentially happen so you can be a bit more prepared and have a heads up!

I didn't know...
...you could tear muscles.
...you could tear your anal sphincter.
...there was such thing as a 4th degree tear! (just didn't think it was possible - WTF!)
...what 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th degree meant - I thought a tear was a tear.
...that episiotomies deliberately cut through muscle and the injury was also INSIDE!
...that episiotomies can cause further tearing!
...you could have other injuries as well as a tear, eg. laceration, graze etc.
...you could tear inside as well!
...that sometimes your stitches come apart and you will be left like it!
...that they don't always suture 1st degree tears - I thought they suture ANY injury!
...that they sometimes do c-sections unnecessarily as it's major surgery that interferes with subsequent pregnancies and births - I thought they considered it a bit more!
...the damage forceps deliveries can cause!
...that they sometimes intervene unnecessarily!
...that not ALL midwives are nice, caring, sympathetic or compassionate.
...that maybe you might NOT be told what injuries you have and what stitches they've done.
...that you wont always have full knowledge of what's going on because they wont tell you. EVER!
...they don't always explain why they intervened!
...that they can sometimes accidentally stitch into your rectum, then have to re-do the stitches! Shock
...they did an internal exam afterwards and might not tell you what they're doing or why!
...that they don't always ask or wait for consent!
...that they sometimes do a manual removal! (thought you got taken to theatre or wait for retained placenta to come out on it's own! Why is it usually male doctors that do it as well? They have bigger hands!!)

The only reason I knew you bled after having a baby is because when I was about 11 or 12, I saw my sister in hospital just after she had her 2nd. She got up and dripped all over the floor.

Despite the typical stereotypes of babies crying 24/7, you can have an easy-going and quiet baby too that WILL sleep!

I also didn't even think about the fact that wherever you tear or get cut, you will have scars! And that scar tissue will be tight, uncomfortable and annoying, but you're stuck with it (even if you don't know why they cut you in the first place!!)! I guess I didn't think about the biology or physics behind having a baby!

I think that's everything, might think of more, but... anyone else not know any of this stuff? Or is it just me?

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 24/11/2015 12:43

Jesus wept, thanks for that OP!

I did know all these things actually. They're in the books Hmm

DulliDulli · 24/11/2015 12:46

I had a 4th degree tear. I'm really glad I didn't know about it in advance. I think there are only so many scenarios that MW's and consultants can prepare you for.

The only thing I wish there was more (realistic) information about, is breastfeeding. Not once during antenatal classes was pain discussed.

OhMakeMeOver · 24/11/2015 12:47

Yes, I had a birth debrief 3 years later (after finding out you could have one) now I'm having therapy. I wont see a consultant as going anywhere near the hospital or anyone that works for them will make me have a panic attack and vomit! Having PTSD is great! Especially when it takes ages to get help because no one believes you...

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

CupofBoo · 24/11/2015 12:50

I had a shitty birth if you go by everything going wrong, which it did. Long labour, got an infection, back to back, EMCS. It was frightening but I have no lasting trauma because I had great midwives. And they DO have time to explain stuff to you. Having that control, being informed, makes all the difference and it's so important. Although being rushed in for a section was terrifying I understood why it was happening.

mmmuffins · 24/11/2015 12:53

It's not "being offended by the truth." After years browsing Mumsnet, I have read threads about all the things you listed, and it's fine if you want to talk about your experience.

But your thread title is attractive to those of us in late pregnancy looking for wisdom on how life will be once the baby arrives...when the actual contents are something a lot of us wont want to see right now.

Bishboshbash · 24/11/2015 12:56

I think maybe you would been better starting a thread somewhere to talk about what happened to you rather than what appears from the title to be a general chat about babies.

OhMakeMeOver · 24/11/2015 13:07

I started it to compare what I knew at the time to what others knew at the time.

Not everything is in books actually. I had to get a big fat book from the library to read about what can actually happen but even that didn't have everything. The dumb Pregnancy Handbook they give you is sugar coated.

OP posts:
Diddlydokey · 24/11/2015 13:11

I was petrified about tearing when I was pregnant and did know about tears. The whole experience was less painful and better than I anticipated because I had heard and read too many horror stories.

I did have a third degree tear but I actually didn't know it had happened until I was examined after the birth. The examination finger up your bum was really the worst bit of the birth experience and DC arrived quickly and I hadn't had any pain relief.

If you do have a third degree tear at least you get repaired in theatre by a surgeon rather than by a midwife. You also get the good drugs so by the time I stopped taking them I was healed and I never felt in any pain.

I would agree that the communication was lacking from my midwives but they were just so busy.

I didn't know before I had a baby that if your DC arrives ten minutes into a shift change you have double the amount of people looking at your fanjo.

Hope your therapy helps OP. I found the newborn stage the most difficult. I had focused on the birth rather than what came after it - for instance, I didn't know that if a baby is tired you will have to get them to go to sleep. I didn't know that by the time a baby looks tired, they are overtired and are going to really fight that sleep that they need. I didn't know about let down pain. You learn quickly though.

Embolio · 24/11/2015 13:12

OP I wonder if your birth experience is still quite fresh in your mind? I had a v traumatic birth experience with DS1 and had PTSD as a result. I can remember seeing pregnant women walking around, seemingly in blissful ignorance, and thinking along the same lines as you "why didn't anyone tell me?" And wanting to tell everyone what could happen.

The reality is that of course things can go wrong/complications happen but it's not inevitable that they will. Looking back I didn't really want to know the gruesome details when I was pregnant, I probably would have been even more tense and anxious about giving birth! There's a lot of information out there in books and online if people want to find it.

I found the loss of control during labour very distressing and as a PP said I think there should be way less emphasis from midwives on the ability of everyone to have an intervention-free natural birth if you only make the effort. Without medical intervention ds and I could both have died.

In an emergency (which it is getting to be by the time interventions happen) there isn't always time to fully explain a procedure or why it's being done. But having said that you should be able to ask for a debrief if needed.

Definitely think it's horses for courses with midwives - what is the right approach for one woman will be wrong for someone else. I had a midwife that I really disliked antenatally but she was BRILLIANT when I was in labour, no nonsense and completely capable.

And finally I had a very straightforward easy delivery with ds2, no stitches, no pain relief (it was too quick) except gas and air. I know several people who have had 'easy' first deliveries with no complications too - it can happen!

OhMakeMeOver · 24/11/2015 13:14

Diddly Thanks. I don't think it's a good idea to tell EVERY pregnant woman they will be absolutely fine. Because if they're not then...

See I wasn't bothered about tearing, I heard about it from my mum, but wasn't worried about that or the pain. I accepted that I might tear, I just didn't want to be cut.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 24/11/2015 13:18

I don't think it's a good idea to tell EVERY pregnant woman they will be absolutely fine.

But I don't think they do. Every single pregnancy book I've read/midwife appt I've had they've been quite upfront about what might happen. Perhaps that is not the experience everyone has, but the information is out there.

My mum's had four babies and has also spoken to me in great detail about each birth so perhaps I am more prepared than most! But I don't think it really helps to be honest - every birth is different and some are going to be traumatic and some aren't.

OhMakeMeOver · 24/11/2015 13:20

My biggest fear was intervention. Had it been explained AFTERWARDS!! I may have seen my birth as a positive experience despite what happened. She had time to tell me, they just didn't consider it. Not only that but they didn't tell me what injuries I had, I had no idea I had stitches inside, round the side and also off the epi. No, they left that to me to figure out with a hand mirror because I couldn't walk or sit properly!

OP posts:
OhMakeMeOver · 24/11/2015 13:22

maybe I mean friends and family. But no midiwife every told me 'it might not go that way'.

OP posts:
Merlin333 · 24/11/2015 15:20

My post is basically the same as didlydokies!! Hope yr therapy helps! Its all done now and it cant be changed so try and focus on the positive things 😊x

FFTransform · 24/11/2015 19:19

I didn't know that once all your hair fell out after birth it all starts growing again all at the same time so I have a stupid wispy 2 layered effect from dc1 and 2 who are 2 yeArs apart

FFTransform · 24/11/2015 19:21

Totally agree with all the shock of the birth stuff, I just got used to being pushed and poked around - and who knew about c-sec overhang!

But the wispy hair thing is what bugs me now Grin

Ragwort · 24/11/2015 19:30

What I can never understand is why any woman goes on to have another baby Grin - I also agree that midwives are far too 'lovey dovey' & 'it's such a natural experience' about the whole thing ............ even friends of mine said 'we didn't want to tell you before what it could really be like'. Sad. My midwife actually said she was 'disappointed' that so many in her baby class went on to have C Sections I was delighted to have one.

poocatcherchampion · 24/11/2015 19:55

See I didn't know half of that and I've got 3 children. Imbin yhr rather not know too much camp tbh.

But I hope you feel better soon, i sounds like its been rough Flowers

poocatcherchampion · 24/11/2015 19:56

Sorry bf

*I'm in the rather

ohthegoats · 24/11/2015 22:56

I wish I'd known just how crap and grumpy my partner is without a full night's sleep. I have ended up doing nearly all the night stuff with a bad sleeper, just because it makes our lives so much more pleasant. Even though I'm tired. Ridiculous.

I wish I'd known how much a child changes your life. Not in the day to day logistics type way, but with regard to your frame of mind about almost everything. How little some things would matter , how much other things would matter. How ace it all is.

OhMakeMeOver · 25/11/2015 13:07

I've finally got help for it. I'm still getting help for it. I didn't want this thread to be about me and my experience. I only wanted to know what others knew about the realities of having a baby at the time.

After reading women's experiences on the Birth Trauma Association, I felt angry for how they had been treated and how it could have been prevented from potentially ruining their lives, for some it has.

You can have a traumatic birth with good care but still be traumatised, you can have a not so good birth as well as crap care and be traumatised. Or you can have a good birth with crap care and be traumatised. You can't just "get over it" because it's in the past. Not that easy at all. The symptoms of PTSD after ANY traumatic event are debilitating. You can't process it because you're stuck and can't make sense of it. No, you can't change the past but you can get help to change your perspective of it with what you know now. In hindsight, you can start to understand why it happened with the information you have found out that you didn't know, but should have known, at the time.

In my situation, I didn't have the right information to be able to make sense of it, move forward and process it, therefore I was stuck in the moment. I felt attacked, thought my baby wasn't alive, they didn't tell me anything, didn't answer me and made no effort to comfort me so thought they over-reacted for nothing.

A collision. An attack. Witnessing a death. They can give people PTSD but do they just "get over it"?

Yes, some women don't get it because they could have dodged the bullet and not even know what they potentially escaped. I believe that whatever happens, the majority of the time it's how it's handled and how you're treated. If you're told the right thing at the right time, you can understand better. But if you're told nothing at all, you're left with unanswered questions.

11 out the 21 things listed happened to me, not all of it. There are things I've read on BTA that I could put but I wont. They are also way TMI!!

I did actually try to have this thread deleted because some were offended, but it hasn't been. Why can't you just delete things yourself? It's hassle.

OP posts:
MrsBalustradeLanyard · 25/11/2015 13:10

I didn't know that some mothers like to deliberately scare the shite out of first timers. Yep, looking at you OP. Hmm

OhMakeMeOver · 25/11/2015 13:35

Yes, that was obviously my aim here! Hmm

OP posts:
SouthYarraYobbo · 25/11/2015 20:06

Ffs. Is knowledge not power? If hearing birth stories 'scare you' good luck with the real deal.

SallyStarbuck · 26/11/2015 11:03

I do get what you are saying, OP.

However I suspect the issue is that not every woman wants to know the same things before, during and after birth - so how to HCPs manage that?

Some women want to know every possible thing that might happen during their birth, read up about them, feel prepared. That might help them cope better during their birth if interventions start occurring, as they feel they know what is happening and why decisions have been made.

Other women don't want to know everything that might happen. Hearing what they perceive to be 'horror stories' might scare them and make them more anxious towards birth, which could have a serious knock on effect during a difficult labour.

Some women want to have everything explained to them during their labour and want to know what is happening and have time to digest and agree to or disagree with what is happening.

Other women prefer to let HCPs make decisions and aren't interested to know what is happening, as long as the person they see as more qualified feels it is the right decision.

Some women want to talk through their birth in great detail afterwards.

Other women prefer to put it past them (and are able to) and don't want to discuss it.

For the first four points, I don't know what the answer is. Especially the "forewarned is forearmed" aspect. It is genuinely such a personal response and, often, a response you don't know you're going to have until you are in that situation.

In my situation, I didn't have the right information to be able to make sense of it, move forward and process it, therefore I was stuck in the moment. I felt attacked

Again, personal to you (not that I mean that to suggest it is either a bad thing that you feel it, or that you share it). I had a similar birth, lots of things going wrong very quickly and decisions made that I don't remember being explained to me, but my personal reaction to that was to feel the experienced people were making decisions and that was ok with me.