So how do you deal with 'back chat' from a 3yo ?

[99redballoons]

Ds is 3.5 and has become soooo cheeky with his back chat that I don't know whether to reprimand (what I've been doing) or ignore him during these moments. He says things like 'you naughty little girl' (to me) and 'I want to make you die' and 'I'll put you in your room' etc. The usual stuff you'd expect from a 3yo, but it's nearly all the time atm. I try not to get drawn into it, but do say something like 'that's not a very nice thing to say' or whatever, but I'm sure I should be ignoring this. But how do you ignore it when you feel you should let them know it's not something nice?? I'm very confused on how to approach this.

(I know the examples I've given may seem quite lame, but in the heat of it he says things with such meaning (in his little way) that you really see the daggers coming from his eyes!)

DD gets "WHATDIYOUJUSTSAY????" (followed by colour draining and "nuffin mummy nuffin!!!") and then "quiet time" (shut behind the stair gate in her room)... depending on her mood she goes up and cries for s few minutes, or she yells NO in my face (cue face from me), and goes and yells and fires barbies round her room (don't know where she gets that kind of temper from )... she comes out after 3 -5 mins, or when both of us have calmed down.

Or when I have been on MN for ages and realise that I forgot to let her out

I just poke ds in the chest and say don't be cheeky. He grins and that's the end of it. But I guess he hasn't got to the stage where he really means it yet.....he is coming up for 3 soon. There are always new challenges aren't there, that is the joy of parenting.

DD is in her room foot stamping now... tis fun in the flame house tonight

I have got on the phone to Santa when things have got really bad..

DD "your giving me a headache you, you cheeky Bd" (dd aged 3.1)

but I usually do the, please dont speak to me like that, I dont speak to you like that, it isnt really a very nice way to talk is it?

Or I ignore it.... choose your battles.

Wouldnt make DC's kiss granny tho , I hated kissing my granny, her lips were always really sloppy on my face and she smelt of germolene... loved her to bits tho.

Suppose it depends upon how hard faced they had been somtimes if you have a kissing granny stand off it can be a bit embarrassing for granny, "you will kiss Granny boodbye"
"but mummy she smells funny"

disclaimer.....not implying everyones granny smells funny btw

I'm with the cod on this one - one warning then off to bedroom or naughty stair "until you want to behave like a nice person!"
I find saying "do you think that is a nice thing to say/nice way to behave?" in a firm voice, with equally firm stare at offending child usually provokes a sheepish face and downcast eyes! but if it happens again, off you pop my child!!
they don't call me evil for nothing you know....!!

My 3.5yr DD had a day of tantrums, I couldn't take anymore and just sat on the floor and cried. She cam eover to me and said sorry, but when I didn't stop crying immediately she said ' alright, you can stop crying now, I've said sorry!'

She is getting worse, time out makes no difference, neither does confiscating toys. She has also started getting spiteful, pinching me, biting DS(10wks) and hitting at playschool.

When she is nice she is adorable, very loving, caring and kind but when she is grumpy she is just plain horrible!

I really struggle with her some days, so will be watching this thread with interest.

FB x

I'm with Cod on this one. Have never tolerated anything from very early ages, the "I beg your pardon" frostily and you had better backtrack quickly stare always works. They just know it's not allowed. I'm old fashioned too but absolutely will not put up with disrespect from the children (bah humbug ). Hah - ask me again when they're teenagers!!!

My 3.5 year old ds told me last week that "I dont want you to be my mummy any more!". Cue my heart breaking into a thousand tiny peices - but I didnt react and said "Oh, well who do you want to be your mummy then?" and he said "Daddy!" When he needed help with going to the loo he wanted me to be his mummy again. Cosmic. I think one of the issues is not to let them see you react - I realise this is very difficult when you are tired, wound up, hurt etc. but if you dont react they will lose interest. For really naughty behaviour/back chat, I take toys away or turn off the dvd & on 3 occasions have used the naughty step approach...although i am not sure the last one works.

My favourite of the moment is (from DS, just 4): "I'm not having this conversation" - except he can't pronounce conversation. I know I must have said it to him, but can't honestly remember when.

The good news for those with 3 year olds is that they seem to reach the stomping off stage at 4 - peace and quiet while they go and sulk - it's great!

Thx everyone, it's nice to know it's not just my 3yo!!

Well, I've been more firm the last couple of days, unfortunately not completely consistent. Sometimes I've said 'do not speak to me like that again or you'll find yourself on the naughty step' and other times I've just put him straight on there. I've been trying so hard this last month to be calmer with him (which has worked really well btw) but we seem to be back tracking lately, mainly because of his cheekiness. I think it may be a phase (she prays!) but I also think it stems from jealousy of his 1yo dd. Very similar to you, flumpybumpy, I'm sure it's for attention.

Will try and get more consistent and see what happens by the end of the week.

[I'm also finding his behaviour is getting worse due to the excitment of Christmas... didn't think it would start until Xmas Eve! How naive was I!]

At preschool, we have one very cheeky child, but it is deffo attention seeking. When she gives backchat, I just calmly say ''I will not talk to you unless you are polite to me'' and walk away. I get an apology within seconds, as she wants my attention and she is just pushing boundaries. her mum always makes a huge big angry upset song and dance when she does it, and of course, any attention is better than no attention so little Minxy laps it up...
Am sure i did this with ds - but he is so polite now, it's hard to remember

dd is 2 1/2 and has now started with the back chat.
i get ' no mummy you are naughty, im a good girl'

along with the worst one ' shut up please you are doing my head in' i know she heard me tell dh that.

99, if you have a one year old make sure you aim the 'don'y do that' type intructions at both of them (even if it is meaningless to the younger one). I have even been known to do time out on a bemused 6mth old - for the benefit of fairness to big brother.

It really helps with jealousy if the older one can see the rules apply to everyone.

Totally agree with raggydoll, I'm sure that dd1 (nearly 3) likes dd2 (3 months) as she also gets 'told off' and there is no favouritism - though I know there is still plentyof time for the jealousy to kick in!

I have that kind of bhaviour from dd2 (nearly 7) and am getting desperate. SUCH rudeness / shouting / winding up her sister / us etc. Have tried sending to room / incentivising behaviour with sticker charts / trying to let some of it go but feels a bit unfair on DD1 as the behaviour can be so outrageous. After an apalling weekend last weekend I'm starting to wonder what kind of teenager she'll be. Are the ideas suggested above ok to get the message over to a 6y11m child or is there anything else please? I realise she's very wound up about Christmas followed by her birthday a month later.

How about not giving any attention to the naughty child??????? Attention is what they want.
If you lavish attention on the child that has been physically or verbally hurt but none on the perpetrator, not even a word, they will soon get fed up and see that it gets them nowhere.
Also refuse to engage in action/conversatoin with them if they are rude to you, just don't talk to them, they'll soon work it out.
It's certainly worked an absolute treat in my family, even with a very firey just three year old. The thing that children hate the most is to be ignored and they will avoid that situation whenever possible.

Do you recognise yourself in any of the back chat? I don't think a 3 year old understands totally that there are things that mummys can say, that are no acceptable for them to say. Ignoring is a bad idea IMO, because you don't want your ds to ignore you when you tell him to do things.

Ds will go through periods of telling me off - and I recognise his preschool teacher's tone of voice!

The idea is that ignore what is unacceptable and give attention to what is good. For a child to ignore their parents at anytime isn't acceptable. There are not the same rules for adults as children, that much is incontrovertible.

What a relief that it is not just my DS who has suddenly started this (he is 3y4m) and I have been quite upset by his behaviour. Things like back chat if I tell him off "dont you be cheeky mummy|!" and violent exclamations like "I hit you" (we dont hit) I cant ignore it - good to know that it is most likely just a stage. He has been quite a laid back, easy child up until now.

BeksMum - I'm glad its not just me with a stroppy daughter! Mine is just 8 and has always been a high maintenance, demanding, difficult child to be around. She is a total drama queen (a pin prick can be life threatening bleeding!) and actively seeks out attention of any sort.

She won the swimming trophy this term (first term of new junior school). She basically won it for 'most improved swimmer' on the basis that on her first lesson she (pretended to) "drown" because she didn't feel she was getting enough attention from the teachers. I should add that she did her 100m swimming badge in 3 different strokes shortly before starting junior school. She has now made miraculous progress in school swimming lessons and has progressed to the middle group! I had to bite my lip hard whilst watching her collect her trophy in assembly!

I've even got the school nurse having weekly chats to her because I find her so difficult to deal with. Of course she does her 'angel' impression to the school nurse who now thinks I'm a paranoid overbearing mother.

Anyway .... the point being that some kids are hard work (my daughter!) and others are easy going (my son!) and most are somewhere in the middle. The thing I've found works the best with my DD is going into 'entertainer' mode where you actively seek out good behaviour however small and ham it up big style. "Oh you're SO kind to help your brother, thank you SO much" etc. The only other thing that has any minor effect is to remove priviledges - if you speak to me like that again then I will cancel your riding lesson tomorrow (of course you have to be willing to follow through, but you only have to do it once for them to get the message).

In Sept she had a friend home to tea from her new school. DD got in a strop about something and screamed non stop at full volume for an hour. I told her to stop, sat her on the step, shouted at her, etc. Nothing worked. So I rang the friends mum and asked her to pick up her kid. My DD was devastated, distraught and screamed for another 2 hours about how horrible a mother I was and how I'd ruined her life. Needless to say she has never acted like that again when a friend is home for tea. I think I made my point.

BexMum - just another thought ... have you tried taking your DD to one side and quietly & calmly explaining to her that arguing with her and her behaviour really upsets you. She is old enough to understand that even if she doesn't agree.

I cried once recently because my DD was so horrible to me and she then realised how much it hurt me and back tracked a bit. For the following couple of days, peace reigned and it was lovely!

Just read this thread - not on here too much at moment because so many bloody buggering Christmas cards to write - and had my first and only LOL moment at "What did you do at nursery today? Poo poo painting". Going through exactly the same thing with my DS (3.3) atm. I tend not to let the back-chat go because it IS naughty and disrespectful and I think it has to be addressed. But, at the same time, he is just the most loving gorgeous wonderful little boy. I always forgive him, but don't let him get away with it iyswim. I think grandmas get very hurt if they don't get a kiss and it's not nice to hurt people.