fathers seeing their chidren

[m0m0]

heya all, i am new here and i am really interested to hear what peoples views are on a Mother stopping a good father seeing his children, for no reason other than a relationship break down.

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The thing about these scenarios is, that one day the children will be old enough to understand what has gone before.

So when your husband says "I fought for a relationship with you" and their mum has no redress, she's going to be in a sorry state.

I've seen this happen with a close family friend. His son is now 15, no contact from 2-10years because his mum was unhinged.

He choses to live with his dad. Kids aren't little and clueless for ever.

Sounds bollocks. Not all abuse is physical violence.

It's fucking hard to prevent contact with actually abusive fathers. If your DH is having a hard time then he must have actually done something wrong. It really doesn't matter if he doesn't think he was abusive, or if he "only" abused his ex wife (impossible - abuse of the mother IS abuse of the children.) Bleating about how "he's a good dad, she's playing the system" is just incorrect. I've seen too many people trust the system to protect their children and it doesn't. If it doesn't even protect the children it's put in place to protect, how can somebody play it to their advantage?

Either he's not telling you a giant chunk of crucial information, or you have a really skewed idea of what relationships and/or men are like. Honestly. CAFCASS and contact centres don't get involved unless there has been abuse. You're not even allowed to go to court unless mediation has been unsuccessful. And if she was the one who made mediation unsuccessful, then this would have been noted.

Obviously when there is no history of abuse and no danger to a child the children's relationship with their father should continue. I don't think anybody would disagree with this. It's a straw man argument, though, because that doesn't happen. If it does the father can go to court to obtain access.

I agree, BTW, that there are bad mothers, there are vindictive exes, but assuming that this is the case as the first scenario is tiresome. It's far more likely that the father has been abusive but the mother doesn't have proof.

i am gobsmacked! i have stated that my husband was not abusive, the ex agrees he was never abusive to either her or the child. she started not turning up to arranged contact dates, then refused to speak to him, he tried every week, a year and a half later she agreed to let him see their child, she tried to get back with him, she he said no, she stopped contact again. he became depressed and gave up for a year, then realised he could go to court without a solicitor so decided to do things properly, so she couldn't keep going back on contact as it wasn't fair on any one. he has won contact center due to a large gap in contact so the child wasn't to worried as mum claimed high anxiety, contact centers went amazing was ment to progress to next level mum never turned up, then never filled out the forms to let it progress, then she made up a serious of illnesses for the child(all proven in court to be lies by peadiatric consultant)

I think the problem with your post is all these men are angels... I know a few children who don't see their Dad.. ...I am yet to hear a man say I don't see my kids because I am a useless Dad, I was abusive and that damaged the kids.

There are 2 sides to this story and maybe she is using her kids as a weapon but there may be other stuff too. Your question wasn't about your case...If there are no issues then obviously the child would benefit from contact from both parents...

my question was a generic question, some one asked me if i was the mother or the father so i answered that i was the wife of the father, then suddenly people are saying awful things about my husband, thats not fair, i only asked how many people thought that it was ok to stop contact where there are no issues.i understand there are 2 sides to every story, but in this case, there really isn't. even the mother admits this.

and to be honest the only reason i posted on here was because i have set up a petition and was trying to gauge wether it was worth posting it on here or not, i don't think i will be posting it though because it is obvious that women can never be wrong and no matter what the dad wil always be the bad guy. such a shame because kids deserve a mum and a dad.

What on earth do you think a petition would achieve?

If he is genuinely being stopped without valid reason then he needs to go back to court.

Yes the scenario you describe happens, it's awful. But all too often there is the other side of the story which many of the women on these boards, myself included, have lived through and it's hard not to think about what the other side of that is.

I accept you're saying that you're partner isn't abusive however, your opinion on that is utter shite if I'm honest. I as a general rule I don't allow my DD to have contact with abusers so anyone who told me that my daughter ought to see her abusive father I'd suggest they go play a game of hide and go fuck yourself. Assuming your not a parent or you'd maybe realise how utterly naive and ridiculous you sound. HTH.

A petition that oughta sort that shit right out. Wonder why nobody has ever thought of that before!

How about a legal route with y'know professionals. Maybe like a solicitor and a court?

Sorry OP but this is either a wind up or you seriously are deluding yourself.

I got a letter from my exh's wife when DD was 8 pleading with me to allow exh to have contact with DD, going on about what a good father he was, how he was heart broken at not being allowed to see her, how he thought about her every day, how he'd do anything for her yadda yadda yadda.

He was an aggressive bully who used to terrify me, to the point where I still suffer from PTSD 20 years later. He refused to see her at a contact centre because he wasn't in control. Eventually the judge told him that if he ever came near us again he'd throw him in jail, after smashing his way into the house in the middle of the night 'to talk about contact'.

20 years later DD arranged to meet him, flew back to the UK to do so, and he didn't bother turning up.

I've never come across a woman who's stopped contact for no reason. But I've come across many men who spin new partners a line and many new partners who swallow it hook, line and sinker.

some adults just rub each other up the wrong way

Is that seriously Your argument for suggesting DV doesn't make a bad parent? I suppose I must have rubbed my ex up the wrong way which is why he beat me in front of our son How inconsiderate of me to annoy him. Of course he should have access to our son after that

Domestic violence makes a bad parent, end of imo.

Anyway, I think single parents very rarely stop contact for no good reason. It'd make my life a lot easier if I had DSs dad to help out occasionallly. And of course it would benefit DS to have a decent father figure in his life, unfortunately that's not the case.

Hi OP,

I can see that you have asked a question and people have then made assumptions as to why the mother is refusing access you have then answered some generalised statements on when you think dads should be excluded/have supervised visits and people assume your DH used to beat his ex-wife... Wow that's a lot of negative assumption you, you poor thing.

Now I'm going to go on your post and comments to which it sounds like you have been in a relationship for 6 years married for 4, your partner before that was a "good" dad and he split up from their mother and he has then paid maintenance as any absent parent should and would like to see his children but the mother stops this.

You asked for an opinion and in my opinion it is very very wrong for a parent to stop the other parent having any contact if the children want to see the other parent and the other parent will not cause harm to the children. Regardless of how vile the parent thinks the other one is :)

What can you do? Well you can only go through the court, having been through 18mts of a court case (my situation is opposite Dad has full custody, mother doesn't ever turn up for visits, cancels last minute as something better comes up) I know it's very very tough and this doesn't sound fair in the children

Unfortunately dads have no rights until it goes to court but her not allowing access will not look good in the court. Your husband needs a good lawyer he needs to see is kids regularly (get lawyers to talk to lawyers) and stick to it to start a pattern and he needs to fight for them. I'm guessing he has already gone through the mediation stage? You have to do that now I think

Wish you much luck - and is suggest giving more facts to begin with otherwise your end up defending yourself as lots of people automatically side with the mother without all the facts.

i am a mother of 2 beautiful children actually, and i will always put their needs 1st, even if that means doing something that may hurt myself,but if i was ever in that situation like i say it would have to be in a controlled manner so i could ensure safety.

Also I don't think anyone is saying women can do no wrong. But you're quite clearly of the view 'a father should see his child' no, a child should have the opportunity for a relationship with both parents, providing it is in their best interests.

I've had exs friends tell me how awful I am, how heartbroken he is, how can I keep his child from him etc.
I say 'Ah yes I am terrible, keeping my baby safe from the man that made him watch as he beat his mother. Offering contact in a contact centre that he refused. Yep, I'm the bad parent' They have all apologised to me and eaten their words once they knew the truth

OK fair enough. Personally I would fight tooth and nail to keep my daughter away from her abusive Dad.

I did fight tooth and nail and only just came through it. So you'll excuse me for not giving the opinion of someone who hasn't been through it much credit.

Good luck OP. Hope you get the answers you're looking for. Not sure it'll be here.

The OP has categorically said her husband never assaulted his ex-wife or children.. Others jumped in with that as a reason not to see a child and then she agreed

but her husband hasn't done this from what she has said

Am in a relationship with a man who has full custody of his children and who's ex wife constantly cancels, let's them down, breaks their hearts on a whim, she's never fought for custody and I do wonder if she's that bothered. However, substance misuse is a factor. Supervised access only.

I'm very much of the opinion that women can also be terrible parents.

But who WOULD think there was a case to stop contact if there are no issues?

You are asking the wrong question. If the ex-partner is acting wrongly then you need to seek legal advice. It's nothing to do with the rightness or wrongness of withholding access. Of course it's wrong to withhold access where there is no danger. Anybody can see that. The problem is that the abuser - who is disproportionately male but who of course can be female - typically doesn't see that he has done anything wrong. You can't ask "Is it okay to stop contact when the father has done nothing wrong" without ascertaining whether that's actually true.

Sorry I am being blunt and perhaps harsh but your first posts really come across like the deluded views of a man who believes he is not abusive. Abusers normally don't know! They don't sit there making evil laughter and wondering how best they can next torture their wives and children. They just act out crappy relationship models and believe that they are entitled to act that way, because that's how relationships work. They're also very, very good at playing the victim - usually because they feel a victim - and so the new partner usually jumps right onto this narrative as well.

Commonly in this situation there will be some unhealthy beliefs about relationships themselves, two of which you've already mentioned. One being that abuse towards a partner is irrelevant as long as the father wasn't directly abusing the children. This is false because domestic violence (which also encompasses emotional and verbal abuse) is abusive towards children, does affect children, does traumatise children. It doesn't matter if it's "not aimed" towards them. They witness it, they live with it, they show signs of psychological damage after this, even when both parents think that it hasn't affected them or that they've never witnessed an incident directly. The second belief is that domestic violence happens because people "rub each other up the wrong way". What made you think that?

Knowing "loads of guys" in this situation isn't a supportive fact. It's yet another sign that it's very likely you've been taken in by somebody who believes that he is not at fault. It is very very tragic that people cannot see the outcome of their own actions. Perhaps your husband is not at fault in this case - but wake up. What's the balance of likelihood between a man who doesn't understand his actions are abusive vs the woman being a totally unreasonable insane harpy who is withholding contact for no reason?

I also know a great LP Dad and useless mum, however...This has nothing to do with the general question you asked.

I would never sign such a petition because assuming you DH does have a wife who is simply not allow contact because she is denying her kids...I know far too many stories of abusive partners fighting through court. there are many occasions where DV is not recorded... It is so difficult then to prove.

My Ex lied on his court papers, although it was obvious to CAFCASS because I managed to have enough evidence contact was not granted...I consider my DS lucky I had the evidence.

Brilliant post Bertie.

If it was proven in court that she lied, what happened next?

Oh, and as I said on another thread yesterday, if you met my ex you would think I was one of 'those' women too.

He has not made any effort to see his son since he left, but likes to insinuate that it's because I block contact. If by blocking contact he means I don't drive to his house, wrestle him into my car, bring him to my house and stand him directly in front of his son, which is would it would take for contact to take place, then yes, I suppose I'm guilty! He has always had an open invitation to see his son, I repeatedly suggested we set regular routines. He has had no interest, and DS has finally given up on him now.

I expect it suits him wonderfully - no responsibilities, no disruption to his life, and he gets to bitch about me to each and every sympathetic pair of ears...

My nephew's ex threatened to accuse him of being abusive to get him to agree to the access she wanted.

The upset of divorce makes people malicious sometimes.

She left him. She'd never loved him apparently.