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Original poster

dealing with other people's reactions about having an only child

54 replies

debido · 09/12/2006 12:20

I'm quite new - and this is my first post. Its about only children. I have an only DS - just 4. It's not through choice really but I am coming to terms with it just about and in myself feel content with DS, feel stretched enough with him and DS is happy.

Finding it really hard dealing with other people's reactions to him being an only. Each time it gets to me that bit more and I feel so guilty and makes me feel that every 'bad' thing he does is due to him being an only. ie a friend came with her daughter aged 3 and baby son 5 months and ds was stand-offish at first, my friend kept on about DS being an only. Yet her DD didnt seem that interested in playing with DS in any case.

Another friend goes on about isnt it lonely for DS at christmas being the only child.

DH and I spend loads of time with DS, yet even there, this same friend commented that it's not good for DS. We do try really hard to get him to see his friends too, but obviously he spends more time with us as a family.

Dont know what I mean to say really except I dont know how to deal with other people's reactions to ds being an only child. Especially when we dont know anyone else with an only child.

Thanks for reading this far.

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sunnysideup · 09/12/2006 17:01

have to go out, will come back to this later as it's a subject close to my heart, having one gorgeous boy!

Anybody who asks you if you're having another just say "don't need to; got it right first time!"

Mummymonster · 09/12/2006 17:02

I have 1 DS (3) he is the light of my life, love him to bits. He's happy, friendly and generous and I intend him to be a singleton.

I have pangs of guilt about this choice, I mean, have I denied him the right to siblings etc. But I have to focus on my reason for this choice. and yep, it may be selfish; DS is the unexpected souvenier of a fantastic holiday, I had a great pregnancy, a wonderful delivery and a DS. I feel why push my luck any further.

I am not in good health physically and I find DS is morte than enough to cope with at times . DS is enough and I'm immensly grateful for him. Plus I feel (terrible to say this) if the pg/birth experience was any less, I'd feel cheated on all fronts.

But it gets to me when you get the litany of 'only one?' 'he'll be selfish' "he'll grow up spoilt' 'have another, they can bring each other up' (eh???) and the like.

I'm sured that DS will be a one and only and , no there's nothing wrong with that. It's good to know that other singleton mums get the same flak. don't feel so alone.

One is fun

Original poster
debido · 09/12/2006 17:25

thanks for all your comments.

think I have been getting my feelings of loneliness and wanting DS to have lots of friends/extrovert/really happy with himself mixed up with him being an only. And cos it's a raw point for me cos I would have loved another, I fear I am too sensitive to others comments.

oh how I wish I could say some of those things you've said to say. perhaps I will surprise mySelf one day.

I do need to be thick skinned and not obessed with his being an only and not attribute all his characteristics to that.

I need to build up some supportive friendships - god knows how (cos dont seem to done this since having DS) but must try.

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cruisemum1 · 09/12/2006 21:55

Before my ds was born three months ago I used to get enraged when people said "only one?". The "only" always implied to me that I had somehow fallen short of expectations. Now I have two (after being told I could not conceive etc), I still maintain that it is far harder in many respects having one because the onus falls entirely on you to be there one stop entertainment shop. If dd wasn't talking to me she wasn't talking to anyone. . It is still the case to a certain degree as there is such a huge agegap. But hats off to all you mums with one lo to care for. It is harder work than multiple mums realise or give credit for!!

lupo · 09/12/2006 22:38

mum with one hapy, gorgeous ds signing in. I am happy and fulfilled with one, he is lovely and all I ever wanted. Have friends who have two close together and have really struggled to enjoy any of the first two years, whereas I have enjoyed having one child, not sure i would have wanted to cope with two los.

Not planing any more, do get people making comments but those same people are not going to be putting in all the hard work of sleepless nights and coping with a toddler and newborn are they?

I am happy and feel fulfilled and quite frankly its none of their business.

hester · 09/12/2006 22:52

Hi debido, I've got one child and sadly am highly unlikely to get another. People do say stupid things, I think mainly based on the prejudices of yesteryear when only children were far rarer. I know loads of women in my position and it is a comfort to know that my dd will grow up knowing lots of other onlys. There's no research evidence that only children are precocious, spoilt, lonely etc - so don't let your narky friend get to you.

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 09/12/2006 22:56

I do think that it's more difficult when you can't have any more as opposed to when you don't want any more. I too have a ds who is 4, and again it is not through choice that we don't have another. My mil has always been very negative about only children, my dh has a cousin who is an only child, and her family is possibly the most disfunctional family I have ever come across, and mil often puts this down to the fact that she's an only child. similarly dh had a friend at uni who was an only child and he was socially inept, but IMO it wasn't because he was an only it was because his parents were so odd! , but again mil puts this all down to him being an only child. As yet she is unaware that it's unlikely we'll be able to have any more, but I'm not looking forward to telling her.

as for other people, when they ask (and they do ask) "so when will you be having another one then?" I simply reply "well I'd love another one, but the fertility God doesn't smile in my direction", and generally they don't know what to say after that so it works well to shut them up

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 09/12/2006 23:00

I only have one. At first, I wanted more and dh didn't. Caused a LOT of grief for a while. Ds is 5 now and I'm really enjoying having more independence now he is at school. People always say stupid things. When dh and I were living together it was, 'So, when will we be hearing wedding bells?' (dh didn't want to get married which caused another problem!) Then it was, 'When will we hear the patter of little feet?' (dh didn't want children for a while!)

TwinkleInSantasEye · 09/12/2006 23:02

Oh no! Before I had my DS I felt like I was being judged all the time for not having children. Am I now going to be judged for only having one? DS took 4 years to conceive so I'm not hopeful of another, and I'm not sure DH would want another anyway. My boss has already commented that it is "selfish" to only have one child.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 09/12/2006 23:03

Twinkle - f*ck him. None of his blooming business

imaginaryfriend · 09/12/2006 23:22

I've got one dd and am constantly asked 'when are you having another then?' as though it's a must. I've no intention of having more for all kinds of reasons and it bugs me that I'm made to feel a wimp / weird / selfish for only having 1. Fortunately for me I know a few other mums with just 1 child so we huddle together and enjoy our relative sanity with just one little one to watch over on days out.

kickassangel · 09/12/2006 23:31

another mum of one here, again through lack of choice. depends how rude people have been to me, but i save 'do you have £10k for the next lot of fertility treatment then?' for people who really get up my nose, or even, 'it nearly resulted in me & dd daughter dying- do you fancy helping out' both a bit of an exaggeration (but not much) & they deserve it. none of their business & only negative comments like theirs will do any harm to your child (you've touched a nerve here - can you tell?)

Blondilocks · 10/12/2006 00:12

I've only got one child - my DD. I was an only child (well had older half-siblings, but they were grown up anyway so don't think it counts).

I get lots of comments like, well plenty of time to have another child, or you must have another so your DD doesn't get lonely :-S It's really annoying.

I think that sometimes it does really help to develop selective hearing & try to ignore some comments as much as possible.

Peridot30 · 10/12/2006 00:46

Each to their own. If thats what you want then f**k everyone else and their stupid comments.

ellasxmasshoppingmadmum1 · 10/12/2006 00:47

My dd is nearly four and has commented a few times on wanting a brother or sister, so I think she feels a bit lonely sometimes when alot of her friends get to go home with their siblings. I do feel selfish but could not have faced having another up to yet. Thats not to say I haven't enjoyed my dd. She's the most wonderful precious thing in the world. I Just never feel that our family is incomplete or crave another. I may still try for another at some point, but selfishly, as I have to do the pregnancy labour and sleepless nights it will be when I feel ready. I get asked on a almost daily basis by all and sundry when i will have another. I totally understand how you must feel debido, but your ds is so incredibly lucky to have a mum who loves him so much she is posting this in the first place.

Skribble · 10/12/2006 01:28

Its bad enough having two, people always ask are you having any more. Eh no the first was 11lb7oz enough that I had a second.

So I can imagine how much worse it must be to have two. People always think they can pass comment, don't worry if they weren't able to comment on DS being a single child they would comment on some other major parenting flaw.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney · 10/12/2006 01:42

the thing about only children is that they have opportunities to pick up other 'brothers and sisters' along the way of their lives...

for example, i am one of four and both my sis in law and my dh are only children. coincidence? i think not. both dh and SiL have zillions of friends and have been chosen i think by my brother and i precisely because they are great at handling the little sibling squabbles that come up.
both have a brilliant 'life's too short, you love each other, so be friends' attitude that has calmed a few storms in our family. and because they married into a family with loads of children they now have brothers and sisters (in law) aplenty for the future.
i think your friend is being a nob and i think you know that too. are there any mums groups you could go to so that you can ditch her?

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 10/12/2006 08:15

My ds keeps saying, 'Mummy, I want you to born me a little girl.' He's desperate for a sibling, but then again, he doesn't know the implications! I think dh and I would split if we had the stress of another child.

GodRestYeMerryNORTHERNERs · 10/12/2006 08:27

My ds is 4.5 an an only. I am an only child and was never lonely and am a perfectly well adjusted adult with plenty of very good friends.

Yes people always ask me 'will you have another?' I had a miscarriage this year, and that normally shuts them up

There are quite a few only children in my ds's class at school, which is good I guess. The best answer to any questions would be 'I am blessed to have ds, thankyou, that's all that matters'

Or even say to your friend 'Yes, but my ds benefits from constant 1 to 1 attention from his parents,'

hulababy · 10/12/2006 08:32

I have an only child - age 4y8m. Not entirely through choice, but that isn't the point. My daughter is not suffering from being an only child at all. She is never lonely - we encourage friendships and always have done. Started school this year and we have 2 or 3 playdates a week, and she has lots of friends, making friends hasn't been an issue. Prior to schools he went to nursery and met children there and we encouraged friendships with our friends with children. She gets lots of attention form us and family members, but all in a positive way. She happily shares her things, and appears no different to her peers when it comes to being bossy or whatever (that's just 4-5 year old girls IMO).

DD is a well rounded, happy, sociable child. I can't see anywhere in her character that has been flawed by being an only child at all.

People are rude. I have been told allsorts of rubbish about why it isn't fair on DD to be an only child. Not only does this hurt (especially when we were TTC for '2 to no avail) but it is also utter cr*p!

I never comment on people having 2+ children - and obviously most of the arguements against having 1 child can often be turned on their head for those with 2+ children. I wouldn't dream of doing so! It's none of my business.

edam · 10/12/2006 08:33

I haven't had any negative comments but EVERYONE seems to ask 'when are you having another' or 'do you want another'. Which is downright rude IMO. Or insensitive given they wouldn't know if I was trying but having problems.

WethreebobKings · 10/12/2006 08:40

I could be way off base here - but do you think that your friend (in an insensitive manner) is reflecting your feelings about having an only child? Sort of she is sympathising with you.

I have one ds (nearly 4) and nobody says anything to me, which could be because I have more tactful friends - or maybe because I'm happy with my decision, and they reflect that back to me.

Both dh and I are eldest children - and we both don't get why having siblings is supposedly so important!

LucyJu · 10/12/2006 09:21

For a long time, I thought that dd1 probably would be an only child (took 4.5 years to conveive dd2). Most of my friends knew that I wanted a second child, so didn't get any thoughtless comments there. In general, I found the best response to any derogatory "only child" comments was to say quietly "Well, actually, I would like another, but...". That usually shut most people up and maybe made them realise how thoughtless they were being.
BTW, even when children have siblings, there is no guarantee that they will get on together - or even like each other. A sibling is not necessarily going to be a live-at-home friend for the firstborn.

aragon · 10/12/2006 09:34

Hi,

I get this too. My DS will be 4 on the 20th December (I planned that well didn't I )
and I'd so much like another one but I am nearly 41 and am beginning to thionk that it'll never happen (and am coming to terms with this). My DS was pretty much a miracle birth as we had been told we wouldn't conceive without help. So another child is unlikely. I get comments from my Mum, a friend and regularly at work (I am a HV) from the families I work with. I don't ever go into details I just usually say "I'd love another" and leave it at that.

As far as I can see the only problem this has caused my son is a dislike of sharing toys etc and turn taking but he's still very young and this will come.

I try not to let the comments get to me but sometimes it is hard so I understand what you mean. You're not alone - the trend now is for a higher number of familes having just one child - sometimes through choice. Your son will be in good company when he's older.

sunnysideup · 10/12/2006 09:59

debido, if you search the archives on here there are a couple of very big threads on here discussing only children and they are so useful. iirc, one has a link to a piece of research that shows that basically only children do better than children with siblings in most areas of life! Your ds will be fine, he will be happy and he will reach his potential.

He will have the luxury of your time and attention and he will LOVE it.

There are threads on here nearly every day from mums who are stuggling with the behaviour of an older one when the sibling comes, when they are trying to breastfeed etc.....the children are behaving awfully because they FEEL awful about the change when a sibling comes along. Of course the other side to that is the fun and love of having and being a brother or sister so of course most people adjust in the end, and knowing that you are not the centre of the universe is not a bad lesson to learn; but there is some REAL misery out there, from children, when their siblings come along. It's not all holding hands and playing together so don't over romanticise it for your ds.....

And I have a brother, we were extremely close as children. But my central relationship was with my parents....

I'll stop rambling as I can go on for ever but what I mean is that there are SO many good things about being an only and most people I'm afraid are simply thoughtless, there is a very strong pressure from people to do the same thing as them...people get threatened by families that are everso slightly different sometimes.

It's a case of being happy with what you have got, I really believe people will comment more if you almost apolgetically tell them he's an only..if they sense you love it they back off.

I've got a couple of friends who were only children and they tell me they had a great time and loved their childhoods.

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