What does good attachment look like?

[nephrofox]

I keep hearing and reading about how important good attachment in the early years is, but how do you know if you've got it right? And how do you promote it?!

I have a 2.5yo and a 6 month old. I care for them and (I think) meet all their needs. I have never left them to cry, altho can have a quite 'no nonsense' style with toddler tantrums. Obviously I've had to get used to splitting my time when the baby arrived.

So why can't I shake off the idea that they're not going to grow up "well attached" or whatever that means?

It's figures like the 40% that I see banded around which make me question myself more and more. Noone at nursery has ever raised any issue, there is no logical reason for me to feel this way. I do feel rejected by toddler sometimes, particularly when he's clinging to grandparent instead of wanting to come home with me. But it's alright for them with their free days to spend hours playing, I have another baby and a house to run

To the poster a while back who questioned my anxiety, there is probably some truth in that. I'm sleep deprived, feeling a bit unsupported by DH and generally just finding the daily grind hard going. I don't regret having second DC but it has certainly made this year tough going. Maybe that is clouding my judgement and encouraging negative thoughts

Flip this on its head - what's at attachment disorder?

Just read Obs2015 link.

Surely many of the list of "symptoms" could describe a normal toddler too? That's what I mean by my original question, how can I actually know what's normal and what's indicative of an issue?

None of the described "causes" are valid to my family.

I've just read that link too. Blimey. There's loads on that list that young children just do anyway - eating issues, lying/telling stories about things, accident prone...

Exactly Thurlow. Which just brings us full circle to my original post.

IME babies under about 9 months are usually fairly happy to be passed around. It's after they develop separation anxiety that you get the wailing and the "Mummyyyyyyyyy" thing. I don't have experience with fostering or adoption but I have read similar - that babies and toddlers who have not developed proper attachment appear very "strange" and there is a marked difference to what you'd expect, perhaps in ways which are difficult to put your finger on unless you've been trained in what the signs actually are. I do remember one friend's baby who was living in a very stressful DV environment, and the mum had severe social anxiety and literally never left the house except occasionally to go to the supermarket with her boyfriend (I was really worried about her - they later split up) was slow to gain milestones like walking and talking, and when I used to pick him up he wouldn't cuddle into you or cling on like most babies do but he would sort of lean passively away, as though he had no muscle tone. I don't know whether that was attachment related but it was definitely odd.

40% sounds massive I wonder what it's based on? I do vaguely remember from A Level Psychology that in one of the big attachment studies (the strange situation), they found that different cultures had different attachment styles. The typical Western attachment is a secure attachment and the typical Chinese/Japanese attachment looks more like what we call an avoidant attachment, but they consider that healthy. Bear in mind that the labels are given from a Western perspective.

I'm quite sceptical of anything saying autism is attachment based because it smacks of the "refrigerator mother" theory, which is blaming and not based in truth.

I think that the fact you're worrying about it, and there's been no catastrophic events like huge isolation plus PND, domestic violence, illness, chaotic environment in the first few months, drug addiction, etc, probably means that it's unlikely your children have "bad attachment".

The thing about that list of symptoms is that it doesn't specify what age child they might apply to.

The lying or "crazy" lying is something that I've seen in secondary school age children - for example, claiming not to have done something that you saw them do, right in front of you. The kind of lie that just cannot be true. That's not the same thing at all as a toddler trying out ideas and stating something that is part of their current imaginary world.

The "accident prone" thing to me would again apply to older children not toddlers. It's usual for toddlers to have accidents as they are learning their physical skills and limits.

To me that whole list seems to apply to older children.

Is there something, nephrofox, that is making you worry.

In my completely unprofessional and unexperienced opinion, if you spend time with your children, meet their needs, do whatever constitutes showing affection within your family (kisses, cuddles, playfighting etc) then I wouldn't worry.

I find with DD, she far prefers a nanny or grandad when they are around. They're more novel and more interesting than me at that moment in time. She also would run to her CM or nursery carer if she hurt herself at drop off time, rather than me - I think there's something in her head that tells her now she's at nursery, she gets her cuddles from her key worker.

The 40% is not children with an attachment disorder - attachment disorders are uncommon and related to abuse, neglect and trauma.

40% is just the number of people categorised with an insecure attachment style. Children might develop an insecure style because their parents have an insecure attachment style themselves, their main carer is not very responsive to them or is inconsistent (eg. has mental health problems, didn't bond with the child, has drug or alcohol issues), or because the carer is deliberately unresponsive for example because they believe it will stop the baby being overly dependent or that it is important not to comfort a crying baby to teach them something, or because they follow a rigid feeding schedule etc.

You've got to keep it in perspective though - a few nights of sleeping training an otherwise secure 1 year old will not damage their attachment. Routinely not responding to a baby from birth, or responding inconsistently, probably will cause insecure attachments if there is no else providing consistent, responsive care.

Attachment disorders can look like autism (have some of the same symptoms) but they are not the same thing.

My child is adopted.

40% of children having even an insecure attachment "style" is nonsense, in my very humble opinion. Unless they had a very biased population.

If you are a relatively normal parents who meets their childs needs and you haven't lived apart from them for long periods your child is really unlikeley to have an attachment problem (assuming they are NT).

As a parent who had genuine grounds to worry about this I really don't understand why you would worry about it in normal circumstances. What unusual behaviour is your child displaying that worries you?

Why would you think the 40% is nonsense? In communities under stress the percentage is higher.

Because if they based their 40% only on "communities under stress" then it's not the norm is it?

No, the 40% is representative of society as a whole, and the percentage of insecure attachments where families are under a lot of stress is higher. The same attachment styles are seen in adults as well as infants btw.

Not everyone grows up in great circumstances with good, emotionally available parents - just read the relationship boards here to see the number of people out there who struggle with relationships.

'Why would you think the 40% is nonsense? In communities under stress the percentage is higher.'

Is there any evidence for this? I work in education and I'm becoming concerned about this.
I have worked with teachers who, having noticed that a child may have some underlying difficulties, decide that the the cause is attachment disorder due to CPD training (which is usually delivered by educational psychologists who are NOT qualified to diagnose attachment disorder).

The report talks about a variety of different studies, and consistently identified insecure attachment at levels between a third and a half of all children:

"But, overall, studies tend to find that between a third and a half of children are insecurely attached. In very high-risk populations – where families face multiple problems – up to two-thirds of children are insecurely attached."

Very good point about the Relationship boards Snossidge. There are so many people on there who find it hard to trust, or who have incredibly low standards for what they feel they can expect from others, who don't recognise their own needs, who can't trust themselves and their capacity to make good decisions, who end up in one unhealthy relationship after another.

Is there any evidence for attachment? Yes, lots. There's a book called Attachment in the Classroom that you might find useful if you work in education.

It sounds like you colleagues may be confusing attachment disorder with insecure attachment styles - if this is an ongoing problem then maybe see if the ed psych can clarify for them.

All this fretting about attachment is, in my opinion, complete bollocks.

Attachment problems can happen in children who have been neglected and abused (as Kewcumber mentions, this is more commonplace in adopted children) but I'd wager it's virtually non existent in children with loving parents and stable backgrounds.

Attachment theory has been totally misinterpreted and bastardised in order to make parents believe that tiny parenting "wrongs" (like letting them cry for a few minutes occasionally) is going to scar a child for life.

You see it on MN all the time - "I do attachment parenting because I want my child to be securely attached..."

I'm no expert in Bowlby or attachment theory, but it's really not as basic as that.

Having an insecure attachment style doesn't mean those children/adults are completely unable to get along in life, form relationships, experience attachments or whatever - maybe that is why some posters are having trouble with the percentages?

For example a child with an ambivalent style (so maybe one whose parent found it difficult to prioritise the baby's needs for whatever reason, and responded inconsistently and mostly on their own terms, or were insensitive to the baby - maybe they were very depressed, or had an insecure attachment themselves) might find separation very difficult, might be quite attention seeking and clingy and quite controlling. They might be the child whose parent is quite needy and vulnerable, and they take on almost a caring role towards them and are frequently kept off school to be with the parent.

It doesn't mean they have huge difficulties that leap out at you, but I'm sure most teachers would recognise a few children like this in their class.

Of course, most children (60+%) with stable backgrounds and loving, responsive, consistent parents have secure attachments, no one would deny that.

I think what posters are saying is that it's a wide spectrum - a child with an attachment disorder is not the same as a child with an insecure attachment. And a child with an insecure attachment is categorised as a child who won't go to the 'main' caregiver if they're hurt or upset.

I did skim the report last night but I still couldn't see if the research was based on general population (I get it was a review of stats from all over the place). I find the thought that nearly a half of children in the general population, ie not in high-risk population, have insecure attachment, to be horrifying actually.

And a child with an insecure attachment is categorised as a child who won't go to the 'main' caregiver if they're hurt or upset.
I'm sure you're just generalising, but it's certainly not as simple as that.

The report has pulled together stats from a variety of different bits of research, hence the figures varying being between a third and a half of all children with insecure attachment. The main one was a US study on a general population sample.

Well I didn't think it was as simple as that Snossidge but doesn't the report cite the 'Strange Situation' observation as its measure for insecure attachment? I wasn't meaning the consequences or causes of attachment/disattachment, but the evidence for the %, isyswim.